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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle with house guests?

78 replies

Marcher · 18/10/2015 07:27

We have my parents stay for 4-5 nights regularly.
I really struggle with having to cook, clean, entertain and deal with them for the duration.
Is it just me? How do other people do it without destroying the relationship??

OP posts:
Defenderwife · 18/10/2015 08:25

Yanbu this would start to Pisa me off too but yabu for having not said anything up to this point. It's not hard, when they are staying this often they cant be considered guests anymore and you shouldn't be pussy footing around them. If you need them to empty dishwasher, set table etc tell them!

Sounds like they know they have a easy life at your house during visits and are taking the piss

namelessposter · 18/10/2015 08:27

Blimey some of you are so nice! Extended family guest in my house get their own drinks, and are assigned chores if they don't show signs of volunteering enough (table clearing/ setting and washing up, and kids bed/bath are the usual ones). Everyone is asked to strip and remake their bed on departure, and bring the used bed linen to the machine. I have zero tolerance on bags of crap around the place, they get moved upstairs pronto. If you stay over 3 nights or more, then you'll def be volunteered for a babysit. They all keep coming back though, so can't mind too much!

DeepBlueLake · 18/10/2015 08:33

I don't mind guests like my mum, close friends and PIL, as I know they don't expect to be waited on hand & foot and I love socialising, talking with people etc and as my home country isn't the UK I have had heaps of various friends / class mates / distant relatives etc stay over the years when they have visited the UK, some of them have taken piss and expected me to be a B&B combined with a tour guide and taxi serve. Er no thanks I have my own life to live.

We're hosting Christmas this year, BIL, SIL & their two pre schoolers will be staying at ours along with my mum and our toddler and newborn, it's not so much the space but the noise - it will drive me up the flippin wall. Thankfully they are the types to muck in but it's going to be so busy and the kids will make a racket.

Ledkr · 18/10/2015 08:36

Me too! And Id never thought of the smell thing but that's so true!!
I actually considered divorce at one point when PIL tried to stay EVERY WEEKEND. Even when DH was working Hmm
Eventually a combination of us being more assertive and sil giving birth to the future queen a baby, it has reduced to a more comfortable level.
My gripes were thus.

Wet flannels draped over the bath (that had probably been around fils balls Grin

Fil needing to discuss plans for the next meal at the end of the current one.

Fil expecting pudding after every meal!!

The time it takes to go out anywhere, exchanging slippers for shoes, seeking out coats, wallets, glasses and all that pocket patting.

Discussion about taking one or two cars (no mil we still cannot fit 6 of us into your five seater Confused

Chatting to me when I'm obviously engrossed in something and not picking up the signals thst I'm not up for a chat.

Having to chat or be offered porridge at 7am when all I want to do is drink 8 cups of tea and tell mumsnet about my annoying house guests.

I enjoyed that, thanks.

wanderings · 18/10/2015 08:46

Ifiwasabadger
"After three days, fish and visitors begin to stink." Chinese proverb. Quoted at the beginning of "The Man" by Raymond Briggs: a story in which a six-inch man installs himself in a boy's bedroom and demands to be fed and clothed (among many other things).

We had a situation with some guests who were not staying in our house, but were staying nearby, and we had to entertain them every day. Because of changes in circumstances, they stayed for THREE WEEKS. It was very hard having them for so long, even not as house guests; although they were lovely people, they had quite intense personalities. They couldn't easily travel independently, so we had to drive them to lots of places. We were very glad to have our own space back at the end!

Original poster
Marcher · 18/10/2015 08:48

My husband tried to talk to them once, and he took me out for dinner. They started calling an hour after we left to see if we were coming home as the kids "missed" us. They won't do it again as it was "too hard".
They don't do their own thing. I feel like they either follow me around or sit around waiting for me to entertain them.
They leave their empty coffee cups around. They leave tea bags in the sink. I'll go to put a load of washing on and they'll be washing - I don't see why they wash so much when they're here!

OP posts:
Merguez · 18/10/2015 08:53

Well you need to be more assertive with them.

I am shocked that people think it's OK to behave like this actually - where are their basic manners?

eddielizzard · 18/10/2015 08:54

my rule is only guests during the week who muck in. if they don't they can only come at the weekend for fri / sat night.

of course during the holidays i've got no excuse!

this would drive me mad too, so i would put them off so that they're only coming once or twice a year. it's clearly too much!

KitKatCustard · 18/10/2015 08:55

I'm not a fan of house guests either. Having said that, my adult son just stayed for 2 weeks and was a delight. Helped round the house, went off on his own for whole days, offered his dole money towards keep, brought chocolates...He can come again.

Worst guests came to stay as they "couldn't afford a holiday", got irritated that I couldn't have time off work ( first week of new job), expected me to cook every night, despite being out of the house for 12 hours. Best bit was that our cat must have agreed with me as he kindly threw up on visitors feet. Perhaps I shouldn't have laughed...

KitKatCustard · 18/10/2015 08:57

Oh, and despite the " can't afford holiday" thing, they announced they were off to Sri Lanka later in the year!

Original poster
Marcher · 18/10/2015 08:58

I tried assertive once. They packed their bags and said I was rude and uninviting, and that they were going home early. I said fine.
And then they rang me from the train station and said they were happy to come back if I apologised. I refused to apologise as I did nothing wrong. So they kept texting me. I kept ignoring them. Then they came back like nothing had happened. I think they were just playing games Hmm

OP posts:
HaydeeofMonteCristo · 18/10/2015 08:59

I find it hard to cope with guests too, especially those who don't pitch in and help. Those who help are very welcome! But i am still an introvert and need to go off into own space when kids are in bed, and guests that I can't do that around neeed to come very rarely.

This weekend we have dh's friends with four kids staying! I was a bit nervous but actually it has been OK as they are no "stand on ceremony" type of people.

wickedwaterwitch · 18/10/2015 09:04

4-5 nights is a long time! Can you cut it to 2-3?

I love having people to stay but we have plenty of room and extra bathrooms, which makes all the difference.

Have rtft and they are rude, get your dh to talk to them, I would

merrymouse · 18/10/2015 09:04

My Parents have a 3 hr drive and so can't stay less than a week, usually 2

??????

A 3 hour drive means you have to stay a week?

echt · 18/10/2015 09:07

Three-hour drive = overnight, max.

Original poster
Marcher · 18/10/2015 09:09

They are nosey too. Every time the dog barks they run to the front door to see who might be here. They always ask me what the neighbours are doing. Etc etc. Drives me crazy.

OP posts:
ovenchips · 18/10/2015 09:13

Christ! Marcher after your latest post you have my sympathies. They sound impossible.

2tired2bewitty · 18/10/2015 09:13

Would they still come if you told them you had plans?

Could you develop some all day family activities that they won't want to join in with and them let know you won't be around much next time they are planning to come down? Or would they just sulk on the sofa until you returned?

Moonax · 18/10/2015 09:16

I remember reading somewhere that there's a Chinese proverb along the lines of "guests and fish stink after three days".

OP your "guests" (and I use the word with extreme caution) sound like the giddy limit. They're not guests if you don't invite them. If they're not guests, you don't have to treat them as though they are. I would do as others are suggesting and give them chores. If they leave, text or make your life miserable by guilt-tripping you, then you at least have something to discuss next time they try to stay.

WitchWay · 18/10/2015 09:18

How often do they come? Four or five days is a long time but if only once every six months might be more tolerable.

Original poster
Marcher · 18/10/2015 09:20

If we went somewhere without them, they would sulk. And then I'd come home and be greeted by a messy house too!
I tried the chores thing. I said they would cook organise and cook dinner one night. They didn't do it. So I cooked because I had to feed the kids at a decent hour.

OP posts:
Roussette · 18/10/2015 09:22

We are 2.5 to 3 hour drive from one DC and we have been known to go up and back in a day! If I go on my own the most I do is stay overnight and get up and go home the next day.

A 3 hour drive does not = 2 week stay, I've never heard of anything so ridiculous!

Unless I had rellies living abroad I just would not put up with this shit! Why does everyone have these people staying so long? The only ones I would have staying for any length of time is my DCs.

Original poster
Marcher · 18/10/2015 09:22

About 5 days every 2-3 months

OP posts:
Roussette · 18/10/2015 09:24

Marcher if they promised to cook dinner, I would honestly sit there at the table expectantly with a knife and fork in hand saying "Yum, I am so looking forward to this".

Flambola · 18/10/2015 09:27

I like having house guests but I hate being one.