To struggle with house guests?

[Marcher]

We have my parents stay for 4-5 nights regularly.
I really struggle with having to cook, clean, entertain and deal with them for the duration.
Is it just me? How do other people do it without destroying the relationship??

About 5 days every 2-3 months.

Sod that! I just could not cope with that, I really couldn't but I am an anti social bugger at the best of times and I like the haven that is my home. I have my siblings and their partners staying overnight next month and the only reason they are is because they are coming here for dinner and we will have a glass or two. I shall want them off next morning straight after breakfast!

If I knew I had 5 days regularly I would probably move and tell no one where

My goodness, they do sound difficult. My Dad is a bit like this, but fortunately he doesn't come very often. I think you are going to have steel yourself to be honest with them, and let them know that they are only welcome for a short time unless they do x,y, z. You need to tell them straight. Subtlety is not working. I think that people who's children are grown up seem to forget how tiring it is and how limiting it is never to go out.

What was your relationship like when you were younger? It sounds like they're very insensitive to your needs.

OP, the problem is not 'house guests'. The problem is that your parents are horrible. They are lazy, selfish, manipulative bullies. I bet they've bullied you all your life. Their behaviour is not normal - all the game-playing and the demands and particularly that business about ordering you to apologise and then coming back anyway.
You might find some of the Stately Home threads on MN helpful for strategies on standing up to your parents. You do not have to let them visit. You can refuse to host them and the sky will not fall in.

And when I said we are having leftovers tonight (spaghetti & meatballs, meatloaf etc) they said to me "oh that's okay", "it's no problem". I wasn't apologising!!!
I feel better venting

They certainly sound annoying and I sympathise. My mum died in 1993 aged 88 and I really missed her coming to stay. She lived a two hour drive away so DH had to fetch her and return. She was no trouble and always came armed with cakes and jam and chutney. When my boys were small she could always be relied on to entertain them and would toddle off to the kitchen to whip up some rock cakes or jam tarts. She liked to prowl around the town with me, always exclaiming at the price of everything and happily sipping what she called our 'reviving gin' when we got home. She wasn't perfect but compared with some MNers' DMs and MILs she was pretty damn good.
It sounds as if we were very lucky and I hope my family will have equally fond memories of my visits.

Do they contribute in any way? It can be expensive entertaining guests. Do you ever go to stay with them? How are the visits arranged? Do they just announce they're coming and that's it?

YANBU.
i would refuse to have them any more. and i'd tell them why.
they're selfish cunts.

They do occasionally buy a loaf of bread or milk etc.
If they ever buy beer/wine it's just enough for themselves (even though they're more than happy to drink ours).
No, I don't go to stay with them. They ask if certain dates work for a visit. And I say yes.
I'm a sucker aren't I...
I honestly thought that this was normal, but I've never sat and thought about it properly before.

You don't enjoy the visits. Your kids by the sound of it don't either, as it's 'too difficult' to take care of them. So next time they want to come over, just say no.

I think you need to develop a long-running problem with your spare room. Maybe a leak somewhere, or a mysterious smell, which requires extensive investigations and then renovations. This could take up to a year to sort out, you couldn't possibly have anyone to stay during that time, now could you?

I loved KitKat's cat - vomiting in the guests' shoes, classy :)

These threads always help me a find a positive about my crappy little house that visitors don't want to stay in.

OP, this isn't normal and you need to put a stop to it.

Cruel to be kind if they wont take hints -
I think you need to make them less comfortable. Just enough hot water for you and family. Bedding not warm or long enough. Food that is not too good which they dont like and serve kids first so small helpings for them. Run out of tea, coffee, toilet paper. Open windows wide in winter, close up for heat in summer. Yes some of it you will suffer too but when they decide not to come so often it will be worth it. They are users.

Remember the thread in the summer about the family of 4 who came to visit for two weeks, didn't contribute a thing, and then hassled the OP to re-imburse them for £1.80 for some bread they'd bought (and eaten, presumably)?
Eventually the OP sent a carefully worded email to them but I don't think we ever heard if they'd responded.

I have had similar issues, we don't live in the UK, and my parents would visit for several weeks at a time. I found that having three stranger hating giant breed guard dogs helped a lot, surprising how being pinned down by eighteen stone of snarling dog seems the cure for laziness and rudeness.

The stately homes thread is very helpful though.

I feel so much better reading all the above posts. I thought it was just me who gets jittery about having guests for more than two or three nights. Or about being away from home for more than a couple of nights. I love having friends and family over for lunch but by late afternoon, I am longing for them to leave although I never show it. DH, DM, DSis and DB cannot undestand why I feel like this but are very tolerant of me. Thank goodness I now know I am far from alone. Thanks everyone

They are using you. And will continue to do so until you stop their doing so.

Just because they are family isn't a green light to be treated like shit.
Would you allow strangers/non family to treat you like this? No you wouldn't.
Stop thinking of them as family and start standing up and saying no those dates don't work. Don't even bother with excuses.
On the rare occasion you do allow them, tell them before they come you will sort out a chore rota for them and that you expect them to make their own cuppas, remove tea bags from sink and countless other things. You are not their servant.

You have my sympathy OP. My MiL is a nightmare guest purely because of the length of her visits. She's just invited herself for Christmas and this is fine, she hasn't been for a few years. However, she wants DH to collect her (lives 200 miles away) and so she either comes the weekend before Christmas meaning a 3 week stay or DH takes time off work to go and get her and the stay is about 2 weeks. She likes to come for Christmas and New Year!

I am find if her but after 4 days it's too much. The last Christmas she was here I had a thread running as I was holed up in my bedroom with a bottle of wine. I'd been shopping for New Year dinner with DH, came home laden with bags, still had my coat on and she follows me into the kitchen to tell me my ironing pile was too big. The shopping bags were dropped and I went upstairs, DH followed with wine! I didn't emerge until the following afternoon.

I am dreading this year!

If you can't put your foot down about their behaviour, then I'd suggest stretching the time out between visits by not accepting suggested dates that are sooner than a timescale you think more appropriate. Hopefully they won't then want to stay for 10 days to "make up for it"...

I wish I'd seen this thread earlier. Mil is staying with us "between houses".
Apart from the odd lecture, she's not too bad, but we can never relax.
Alohamora, she sounds just like yours. I've also been known to hide, anywhere convenient. Mine sees it as her duty to commandeer my time, as if I'm not busy enough!

My PIL are separated and live other side of the world. We had DD this year both MIL and FIL have been over separately. MIL came for 6 weeks, spent 4 of them with me. DD was only 14 weeks at time. DH works away Mon to Fri so it was just me and his mother 24/7.....I felt like I was running a hotel, she cant cook, would crash around the house in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep waking everyone up but then nap all afternoon, then be surprised i was tired, wouldnt drive the car so I had to take her everywhere and entertain her and got judgy because I wasn't giving her clean towels and bedding every week ( I thought every two weeks was fine apparently not).It was a very long 4 weeks. She adores DD I think that is why she is still alive!!
FIL is over for 8 weeks been with me for 6 of them. Actually been fine as he gets his own towels, changes the sheets, does some occassional shopping, cooking , cleaning, drives and takes himself off for walks or finds DIY projects to do. He bends my ear about the NZ educational system but overall been dream guest but I'll heave a sigh of relief to have my house back.

I wish they could just come for the weekend a few times a year. They both want to come back next year and FIL wants to bring girlfriend.........AIBU to say just one set, either MIL or FIL plus GF per year from now on??

Am afraid I generally put my guests to work. MIL is v elderly but she happily clears up in the kitchen after 4 of us - although we now have a dishwasher so it will be easier for her. We are trying to find a few things to do while she is here over christmas this year as it has been getting frustrating as we can't go out for long periods and cant walk far - she doesn't do shopping (not that I do) so we are trying to find some specific things as it looks like she will be here a week this year. My parents are not so easy as there are two of them - Dad isn't so well but can still chop up pallets and do a few outside jobs but nothing major and not anything crawling round on hands and knees or into tight spaces so I try and save him a few useful jobs (saves me having to do them) and Mum is OK but a bit lally sometimes - we caught her making a toastie by putting the lid of the aga down on it (you know like a toastie maker - only thats not how you do it) but she cleans my kitchen and usually has a mop of the floor which I never have time to do. I must remember to line a few things up for her properly next time - lol. Sisters I usually plan some sort of sort out of toys or clothes or my more practical sister some sort of outside job that needs two and either we do it or hubs and she does it.

My brothers have stayed clear - not sure why....

Marcher that sounds horrendous.

We handily live within an hour's drive of both sets of parents, so we avoid all overnights.

I think every time they suggest a date, suggest one about 3 weeks after. You might have to work up to it. And could you start having other commitments that reduce their visits to 3 days and gradually even less?

I think no harm would come of 'offending' them again tbh, maybe that is exactly what you need. Does your DP do his share does most of the extra work fall as wifework? If the latter, that can also change. I think you could start setting them specific jobs - could you lay the table now, could you come and chop some veg, here's a chopping board and knife. It is not necessary for you to be dictated to and made to do all the work for such regular visitors.

Could you suggest they babysit while you go out, then when they say it's too hard, suggest THEY go out for dinner so you 2 get some space?!

I am with you, I'm highly introverted and I hate having people in my space or being a visitor. But these people have a lot of other annoying behaviours that are not normal in such regular visitors - not least, that they overstay. Take back some control OP, you can do it!

They find your kids too hard - tell them you find them too hard.

My friend has people to stay lots. About once a month. Then they're often at other people's.
It tires me out just listening to her planning it all. She never seems to enjoy it either. I really CBA and glad most of our main family/friends live within an hours drive.