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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be concerned my DD's BF didn't send her a card

94 replies

Busybodymummy · 17/10/2015 12:58

Okay- I know I need to step back but am looking for red flags in DD's new relationship. Her latest BF has not sent her a birthday card. My DD is a really 'nice' person ( late-20s). She is kind, thoughtful,goes the extra mile for friends etc. She doesn't live at home with us- lives about 200 miles away.

She was dumped by a long term boyfriend a couple of years ago- known him during uni- and she really 'lost' all her early to mid 20s by staying with him. He suffered from depression and it ended up with him blaming her for his 'issues'.

Anyway, I am getting to the point! She has been dating a new guy for 9 months and it seemed to be going well - he was a friend to start with. He's recently moved- within the last few weeks- and when it was DDs birthday last week he didn't send a card. She says they are going to mark her birthday when they meet this weekend. I mentioned I was a bit surprised he'd not sent a card and she shrugged it off. I know on its own this is not a huge 'deal' but overall he doesn't seem to treat her as nicely as she treats him. Is this just a blokey thing? I'm just worried she is setting the bar too low for herself having been in a relationship before where the guy tried to undermine her and it affected her self esteem. I KNOW it's none of business and my role is to be there with the tissues if it goes tits up- but I just want her to think about what is acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:

cashewnutty · 17/10/2015 13:00

You are worried about your DD's relationship ( a DD who is very much an adult) over lack of a CARD?? I am speechless.

iklboo · 17/10/2015 13:01

My mum's lucky if dad remembers to give her a card and they've been married 47 years.

Maybe he's going to give the the card & her present together when they get together?

PurpleDaisies · 17/10/2015 13:02

If this is the only thing about their relationship that worries you then you're really lucky.

I think you're reading far too much into this.

SaucyJack · 17/10/2015 13:03

On its own I don't think it's a big deal at all tbh.

Sending actual cards through snail mail is a thing of the past for many people.

Did he wish her happy birthday on the day? Maybe wait until after he's seen her to see if he made a fuss of her.

Original poster

Busybodymummy · 17/10/2015 13:03

I don't see how her age is anything to do with it Cashew. I'm 60 and my mum still worries about me!If you don't have adult children you won't understand.
Maybe my BF's spoiled me, but a card and even a bouquet was the norm if we weren't able to meet on the day.

OP posts:

cashewnutty · 17/10/2015 13:06

I do have adult children. My DD1 is 23. I would not be worried if her boyfriend didn't buy her a card on her birthday. I wouldn't give it a passing thought. There are many things that might be worrying in a relationship but i don't think this is one of them.

SquadGoals · 17/10/2015 13:07

I'm a couple of years younger than your DD and have been with my DP for 6 years.

I have had one card from him in that time.

His family just don't do cards and never have. It's not the way he's been brought up.

He is incredibly kind, caring, thoughtful and loving. He shows this daily.

I would look at how he treats her the rest of the year and not just on one day.

ilovesooty · 17/10/2015 13:07

I don't think it's any kind of big deal. Presumably he contacted her on the day?

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2015 13:09

My goodness, are you this over invested in everyone's lives and relationships, or just your adult daughter's?

I was very close to my Mum but I couldn't imagine for a second, that she would be so involved in my relationships that she would 'look for red flags', describe my early twenties as 'lost' because I didn't remain with a boyfriend, and be so bothered by a lack of birthday card, that she'd take to the internet to discuss it with strangers.

I'm actually shuddering at the thought.

Be there for her with the tissues etc, but try to occupy yourself with something else.

Gruach · 17/10/2015 13:09

I doubt many people of that age are aware of card shops or would step into one without parental reminders!

Are you sure she didn't receive a million birthday wishes via Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp etc?

ValancyJane · 17/10/2015 13:10

I don't think it's a big deal, would assume he'll be bringing one with her present when the next see each other? I am rubbish at cards and only really do them for immediate family!

cuntycowfacemonkey · 17/10/2015 13:10

Jeez this is why MIL get such a bad name! You're right you will always be her mum and will always worry about her and want the best for her BUT it really is none of your business. If your dd isn't bothered then you shouldn't be.
Your actively looking for red flags and if this is worst you've found then I think you can calm down a bit. Very few people in their 20's send cards through the post these days as long as he spoke to her on the day or sent a text then I think that is fine

cuntycowfacemonkey · 17/10/2015 13:11

You're not your

SilverBirchWithout · 17/10/2015 13:13

In my experience the type of man who is flamboyant with cards,gifts and flowers tend to be the ones who are waving red flags. Emotionally manipulative types tend to be good at the shallow crap.

My DH (together 30 years) had to be taught by me to know how to celebrate occassions. His DM told me she knew there was a GF in the background when she received her first Mother's Day card from him!

Now a man who is actually kind and supportive when needed is much better for your DD, rather than one who can hand over £5 in Clintons.

Seeyounearertime · 17/10/2015 13:13

OP, don't get upset but.....
My gfs birthday last year, she didn't get a crd or present, we marked it with a meal out and a special night in... If you know what I'm saying?

Cards are pointless, wasteful and unimportant. Don't worry about it.

Salmotrutta · 17/10/2015 13:14

Without making sweeping generalisations about the average male I often think men don't "do" cards much?

Or maybe that's just the men in my family!

And keep out of it OP! She's an adult...

PurpleDaisies · 17/10/2015 13:14

If you don't have adult children you won't understand.

That's incredibly patronising.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2015 13:16

I don't see what having/not having adult children has to do with it either.

We're all someone's 'adult child'.

Salmotrutta · 17/10/2015 13:17

And yes, I too have adult offspring.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 17/10/2015 13:19

I am an adult child, I would think my mum unhinged if she wrote your post. Also I HATE cards either birthday or christmas, don't like buying them, don't like displaying them so not a big deal at all IMO.

NerrSnerr · 17/10/2015 13:20

How do you even know who sent her birthday cards? You sound really over invested. He's said he's doing something for her birthday so I don't see what the problem is. In the years my husband and I didn't live together we wouldn't send cards through the post, we'd give them when we saw each other.

choli · 17/10/2015 13:23

I would think my mom unhinged if she ASKED me if my boyfriend sent a card! Really, you need to get a life and mind your own business. Your poor daughter!

formerbabe · 17/10/2015 13:23

I know someone who's bf always got her amazing birthday cards which he wrote romantic poetry in...He was a right c*nt.

My lovely oh never gets me a birthday card...He does get me presents though. He just genuinely thinks greetings cards are pointless.

Birdsgottafly · 17/10/2015 13:26

""I know I need to step back""

Yes you do.

I looked for Red Flags in all my DDs early relationships, but stopped at around 19, I set them up to then make their own choices and mistakes.

On the other issue, I hate card giving, unless that is the only way to communicate, so I say it for elderly relatives (who I also phone).

If you want a card and flowers, that's fine, it doesn't mean that other people (Women) would.

You shouldn't be putting pressure on other adults to take part in wasting money and increasing Landfill, if that's not their thing.

AmberFool · 17/10/2015 13:26

overall he doesn't seem to treat her as nicely as she treats him

AIBU can be brutal! On it'ts own no card doesn't mean a thing but you seem a tad worried about this relationship - maybe people will be more understanding if you elaborated a bit more on the above. What are your issues with him?

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