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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be concerned my DD's BF didn't send her a card

94 replies

Busybodymummy · 17/10/2015 12:58

Okay- I know I need to step back but am looking for red flags in DD's new relationship. Her latest BF has not sent her a birthday card. My DD is a really 'nice' person ( late-20s). She is kind, thoughtful,goes the extra mile for friends etc. She doesn't live at home with us- lives about 200 miles away.

She was dumped by a long term boyfriend a couple of years ago- known him during uni- and she really 'lost' all her early to mid 20s by staying with him. He suffered from depression and it ended up with him blaming her for his 'issues'.

Anyway, I am getting to the point! She has been dating a new guy for 9 months and it seemed to be going well - he was a friend to start with. He's recently moved- within the last few weeks- and when it was DDs birthday last week he didn't send a card. She says they are going to mark her birthday when they meet this weekend. I mentioned I was a bit surprised he'd not sent a card and she shrugged it off. I know on its own this is not a huge 'deal' but overall he doesn't seem to treat her as nicely as she treats him. Is this just a blokey thing? I'm just worried she is setting the bar too low for herself having been in a relationship before where the guy tried to undermine her and it affected her self esteem. I KNOW it's none of business and my role is to be there with the tissues if it goes tits up- but I just want her to think about what is acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 17/10/2015 13:27

who sends cards nowadays? Certainly no-one in their 20s that I know. He probably sent her a text/FB message/whatsapp or similar.

And as others have said, you sound very over-invested in her relationships.

Tartyflette · 17/10/2015 13:27

i think it can definitely be a bloke thing.
I send cards, always have, and DH whom I have trained over the years generally does likewise. But DS -- no way. He thinks they're a ripoff by the massive greetings card industry, (so does DH, really) doesn't see the point of them and is unlikely to be arsed anyway.
So I don't get cards on Mothers' day or whatever but I do get extra phone calls. He's thinking of me, so I'm happy.

HorseyCool · 17/10/2015 13:29

I get where you are coming from, 9 months in he can't be arsed buying her a card doesn't smack of a caring and considerate bloke does it.

However if he treating her well and they are happy then it's not a problem. I wouldn't say anything but maybe try to get a feel for how their relationship is.

Are you concerned about her maybe not being confident after last relationship? Issues with self worth?

Axekick · 17/10/2015 13:30

Personally I think cards are pretty rubbish. I usually just add a little card to a present to say 'happy birthday from Axe' on them.

I don't do Christmas cards etc.
She isn't bothered so neither should you. Also you said yourself .....they are celebrating when try meet up this weekend. Probably neither feel the need to mark the occasion twice.

Ita not like he has ignored it completely.

And please stop with 'is it a bloke thing' shit. Men are individuals, like women are. Gender stereotyping is crap when aimed at both men and women.

Original poster

Busybodymummy · 17/10/2015 13:31

Anyone care to take notice of my user name for this post :)
I did ask AIBU.

I have a very full life thanks- no need for all the insults. I work full time, running a business, have other children, elderly parents to care about and a DH.

I had to support my DD when she was devastated after being dumped by a total arse. She did waste a lot of her 20s on him and missed out on doing loads of stuff with friends (and making friends) because she was supporting him through his issues.

I am not overly invested. I don't need patronising.
Thanks.

OP posts:

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 17/10/2015 13:32

It's not a big deal. I'm sure he hand and spoke to her on the day.

I'm not a card person. I rarely remember to send them and when I do, they're late .

I get why you're worried but you need to step back.

Yarboosucks · 17/10/2015 13:33

I know plenty of men who are great at the gestures; cards, flowers and presents and who are actually nasty, controlling manipulative scumbags. Be careful what you wish for!

I hope that you have not expressed these concerns to your DD or made that motherly disapproving hmmmm noise about the absence of a card. The subtext of your post is that you think that your DD is a crap judge of character and therefore you are judging both of them.

formerbabe · 17/10/2015 13:33

In my experience the type of man who is flamboyant with cards,gifts and flowers tend to be the ones who are waving red flags. Emotionally manipulative types tend to be good at the shallow crap.

Oh this is so so true!

Seeyounearertime · 17/10/2015 13:36

Busybody, I fail to see why you posted then?
I also don't see how you have time to post with all that going on.

ppeatfruit · 17/10/2015 13:38

I agree with all the OPs and another thing there are lovely animated musical cards that are sent online nowadays !

We live in another country 50% of the time and our dcs always ring us up and maybe sing greetings to us on our birthdays which is nicer than cards! I do miss the cards a bit but count my blessings I certainly wouldn't care if their partners sent them cards, that is just a bit OCD IMO .

EllyHigginbottom · 17/10/2015 13:39

I almost never give cards. I'm just not a card-giving person. I have considered starting as of late, though.

HackerFucker22 · 17/10/2015 13:40

I also wondered how you knew he hadn't sent a card? Did you ask? or did DD volunteer this information?

Context is important.

If DD rang you upset about his lack of thoughtfulness about the card and in general then I can kind of begin to understand your worry

If you had to ask DD if he sent her a card and DD then had to say "nah but we're going to celebrate in a week when we see each other" then YABVU.

ilovesooty · 17/10/2015 13:41

I noticed your user name but felt it would be impolite to comment.

You ask if YABU. I think you are and most of the posters seem to agree.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2015 13:42

I am not overly invested

I beg to differ. Even you yourself have said, "I know I need to step back", "I KNOW it's none of business and my role is to be there with the tissues if it goes tits up"

That and the fact you've named yourself Busybodymummy, tells me that even you know you're over invested in her relationships.

Sparklingbrook · 17/10/2015 13:43

Busybody you clearly care and don't want your DD to be hurt like she was before. That's only natural for a parent. Things that happen in the past shape your thinking, I get that.

I assume you posted on MN because you didn't want to say it in RL.

Fairylea · 17/10/2015 13:43

Are you sure it's even as serious as you think it is? Maybe serious isn't even what she wants? I don't think the lack of card says anything at all to be honest either way but I do remember just having come out of a divorce aged 29 and casually dating someone new and my mum being all horrified at the way she perceived he was treating me but what she didn't realise what that I had agreed that was fine by me, it was very much a casual fling with someone I was friends with (or fuck buddy as some might say). My mum just couldn't understand that I might want that and she permanently had me down as some hard done by....! Just saying I wouldn't read too much into your daughters relationship.

Pancakeflipper · 17/10/2015 13:47

What's the other issues of his behaviour that's bugging you?

If his only crime is no card on the day (did you ask her if he sent one???) Then it's a teeny thing. But if there's other stuff then you may have reason to be concerned.

Anyway do mums get a sixth sense of their daughters/sons partners?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 17/10/2015 13:47

I know exactly why you feel like you feel about this. I'll probably be the same when my DC grow up. :) I think not sending a card is pretty lazy, too.

If you think your daughter is too "nice" with men and gets walked over a bit, buy her copies of The Rules books by Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein. They're all on Amazon. They'll be an eye-opener to her and hopefully help her become a bit feistier.

Yarboosucks · 17/10/2015 13:48

but I just want her to think about what is acceptable behaviour

…. Because buying a card is WAY up there on the acceptable behaviour criteria!

You can't control her thinking. You can't control her relationships. Reading your follow-up reply it seems that you need to move on from the past relationship - DD has!

HackerFucker22 · 17/10/2015 13:50

DO NOT BUY ANYONE A COPY OF "THE RULES"

It's a hideous book, full of tips for manipulation and game playing.

Yarboosucks · 17/10/2015 13:53

BTW I had a relationship with someone with MH issues in my 20s. I don't count it as wasted years, I cared for him and although the break-up was not nice for anyone and was quite dramatic, I learnt an important life lesson. I would have preferred a better outcome for him, but I do not see it as a waste of my time.

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2015 13:56

This isn't about a card is it OP? Deep down you don't think he's good enough for her.

SmokingGun · 17/10/2015 13:56

As a PP said, if your DD has rung you to say she's upset he didn't get her s card, that's one thing. However, if you asked or she mentioned it is passing but isn't bothered then I don't know what your issue is.

Many many people spent years in their late teens/20's with a partner they aren't with later in life, it doesn't mean she missed out on stuff. I certainly had 2 horrendous relationships during that period in my life, but it meant that I learnt from them and I now know how to look for certain red flags myself. Doesn't mean I wasted those years, in fact they taught me a hell of a lot!

I think it's a bit strange that you are actively looking for red flags in someone else's relationship, it's really not healthy.

Yarboosucks · 17/10/2015 13:56

Oh sweet Jesus! Buy her a book on relationships? Really??? Ignore that advice! I would do that if only you want your relationship with your DD to be limited to the exchange of birthday and Christmas cards!

kali110 · 17/10/2015 13:57

My dp is lucky if i remember a card.

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