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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be concerned my DD's BF didn't send her a card

94 replies

Busybodymummy · 17/10/2015 12:58

Okay- I know I need to step back but am looking for red flags in DD's new relationship. Her latest BF has not sent her a birthday card. My DD is a really 'nice' person ( late-20s). She is kind, thoughtful,goes the extra mile for friends etc. She doesn't live at home with us- lives about 200 miles away.

She was dumped by a long term boyfriend a couple of years ago- known him during uni- and she really 'lost' all her early to mid 20s by staying with him. He suffered from depression and it ended up with him blaming her for his 'issues'.

Anyway, I am getting to the point! She has been dating a new guy for 9 months and it seemed to be going well - he was a friend to start with. He's recently moved- within the last few weeks- and when it was DDs birthday last week he didn't send a card. She says they are going to mark her birthday when they meet this weekend. I mentioned I was a bit surprised he'd not sent a card and she shrugged it off. I know on its own this is not a huge 'deal' but overall he doesn't seem to treat her as nicely as she treats him. Is this just a blokey thing? I'm just worried she is setting the bar too low for herself having been in a relationship before where the guy tried to undermine her and it affected her self esteem. I KNOW it's none of business and my role is to be there with the tissues if it goes tits up- but I just want her to think about what is acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:

Isitchristmasyet4 · 17/10/2015 14:00

It's nice that you're concerned OP. You are just worried. The first thing that came to mind as someone on similar age to your DD is that our generation just don't send cards lol! We really don't, it's so dated. I bet she got a lovey text message or email when she woke up on her birthday. Times have changed, so do you think that's what it comes down to? you're her mum so you know better than us lot but it could be no big deal really.

Roussette · 17/10/2015 14:03

Busybodymum. I do have adult children - DDs and a DSS. I am thinking carefully how to word this because I know you've had a bit of brutal posting and I don't want to add to it.

However, you have to let this one go. Do not look for red flags. I could see red flags littered all over my DC's relationships if I went looking for them. But on the whole they are happy kids. One of my DDs is years with a thoroughly nice bloke in a relationship that is going absolutely nowhere (hugely different cultures that will never ever come together on his family's part) but I have to keep my sticky beak out because she is an adult.

If there is more to your post, that's fine, if he is treating her badly and you are worried about her wellbeing, my god I get that (been there, done that, got the T shirt in DC's past relationships).

If it's just a card, forget it. There's funny emoticons and singing wotsits that can be sent online, or just a text saying 'Happy Birthday' with a couple of smiley faces. It wouldn't occur to me to worry about a lack of a card, young adults often don't bother with that sort of thing.

toldmywrath · 17/10/2015 14:03

I can see why it bothers you Bbmummy - it would me as well. But we're probably old fashioned & we would always send a birthday card in these circumstances.
So, don't worry about it -as long as your daughter is alright with it, then that should be ok with you as well.
fwiw some countries (Germany springs to mind) don't 'do' birthday cards to people that see.
As usual, it doesn't matter what you post on mumsnet, someone will have a go at you.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 17/10/2015 14:04

Jesus Christ, how would the mother of a grown woman even know her adult daughter hadn't received a card?
This is one of the most insane threads in ages. I thought the OP was going to tell us about her ickle biddy 5 yr old and her Best Friend.
You must be so embarrassing to your daughter OP.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 17/10/2015 14:07

I haven't sent anyone a card since 1998 and I'm lovely

PaulAnkaTheDog · 17/10/2015 14:07

Yabvu.

toldmywrath · 17/10/2015 14:08

And a lovely cross post there to prove my point

cardibach · 17/10/2015 14:10

It's not just Young people and not just blokes. I hate cards and only send them if I know the recipient is really bothered. DD (19) is the same. We don't usually send cards yo each other. I really don't see the point in them - they are to convey hood wishes, I get that, but there are other less wasteful ways to do that now.

PuntasticUsername · 17/10/2015 14:13

Wow, some mean replies here.

OP, if it is just the lack of card that's bothering you, I wouldn't give it another thought. But you've hinted that this is part of a wider pattern of behaviour - can you give us any more examples to go on?

Roussette · 17/10/2015 14:14

I don't think the OP is necessarily embarrassing to her DD. I'm known by my DCs for over worrying, it never stops and in fact it gets worse! Because you have to bite your tongue and let them get on with it, because you are absolutely helpless and you can't do anything. Adult children don't just make the right decisions all the time, there's lots of angst and cock ups and more often than not they ask opinions but don't listen to it! (But then months later you realise they have taken on board some of what you've said)

Actually on reflection, my DCs know I'm embarrassing, it's what I'm famous for and they love me for it

scatterthenuns · 17/10/2015 14:18

DH didn't get me a card for my last birthday.

We were in the middle of a house move, and my birthday was celebrated by trawling round shops on a rare day off work to find a new sofa.

I don't give a fuck, and neither would my mum! I don't even think she knows how I spent my birthday! We live over 300 miles apart.

Nataleejah · 17/10/2015 16:20

I have to kick my OH out. Never ever given me a card! What a despicable man!

BojackHorseman · 17/10/2015 16:29

I thought that this thread would be about a six year old or something, OP you need to mind your own business.

abbieanders · 17/10/2015 18:44

I'm going against the grain here, OP. I think you were pretty clear that you don't think he treats her very well as a rule and not even bothering with a card when they still should be in the honeymoon period doesn't look like the most thoughtful.

I suspect that you think she's more invested than he is and this represents a detachment that worries you.

if this was my little girl, I'd be furious. She deserves some thought and effort.

PegsPigs · 17/10/2015 18:58

Yes would be a red flag to me unless he delivers this weekend when he sees her. Jury's out till then as he could still pull it out of the bag.

BestZebbie · 17/10/2015 20:37

You would be very worried about us, this wedding anniversary we got cards from both sets of our parents, but didn't exchange them between ourselves.....
I think sending or not sending cards is a generational difference.

Roussette · 17/10/2015 21:18

My parents and ILs would have no desire to send anniversary cards nor would friends or relations. It's something between a couple surely...

Cards are nothing. It's how you treat someone that's important.

tedhis · 17/10/2015 23:49

No-one sends anyone cards these days. Mine are late teens and mid twenties- they are in touch constant with each other by app, text etc but never send cards. Its passé.

Roussette · 18/10/2015 09:10

I'm thinking of going that way too! I sent a card to a friend the other day, I picked it up because it was her sort of humour. It was £3.50!! Nothing fancy about it and only realised when I got to the till. Daylight robbery.
Rant over.

helenahandbag · 18/10/2015 09:14

DP and I have been together for years and don't really do cards. I also wouldn't post someone a card if I was seeing them shortly after, I would simply hand over their card with the gift.

What an odd thread.

Snoopadoop · 18/10/2015 09:22

My mum (late 50s) is weird about cards, says they mean more than presents. I love cards if from DS because his writing and spelling are adorable. Anyone else and I'm really not fussed. I think it's a generational thing.

Sparklingbrook · 18/10/2015 09:25

My Mum buys all her cards for everyone at the beginning of the year and has a card diary thing with slots for each month. If she didn't send you a card you would need to worry.

helenahandbag · 18/10/2015 09:39

Sparkling

My granny buys a mixed pack of cards at the beginning of the year and uses them as needed. If you have a birthday before June then you're pretty safe but anything after that is a lottery. She has been known to run out of appropriate cards and send a blank card with just a photo of flowers on the front, or even score out 'deepest sympathy' with a handwritten greeting in its place

nocabbageinmyeye · 18/10/2015 09:44

"You are LOOKING for red flags"

Indeed you are and going out of your way to find them it seems

KoalaDownUnder · 18/10/2015 09:47

Cards are ridiculously expensive and pointless. They are a marketing scam. The only time I see value in them is if the person lives far away and you don't be seeing them for a while.

In your daughter's situation, I would neither expect not want a card.

And I don't think it's all that generational - I'm 42!

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