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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be concerned my DD's BF didn't send her a card

94 replies

Busybodymummy · 17/10/2015 12:58

Okay- I know I need to step back but am looking for red flags in DD's new relationship. Her latest BF has not sent her a birthday card. My DD is a really 'nice' person ( late-20s). She is kind, thoughtful,goes the extra mile for friends etc. She doesn't live at home with us- lives about 200 miles away.

She was dumped by a long term boyfriend a couple of years ago- known him during uni- and she really 'lost' all her early to mid 20s by staying with him. He suffered from depression and it ended up with him blaming her for his 'issues'.

Anyway, I am getting to the point! She has been dating a new guy for 9 months and it seemed to be going well - he was a friend to start with. He's recently moved- within the last few weeks- and when it was DDs birthday last week he didn't send a card. She says they are going to mark her birthday when they meet this weekend. I mentioned I was a bit surprised he'd not sent a card and she shrugged it off. I know on its own this is not a huge 'deal' but overall he doesn't seem to treat her as nicely as she treats him. Is this just a blokey thing? I'm just worried she is setting the bar too low for herself having been in a relationship before where the guy tried to undermine her and it affected her self esteem. I KNOW it's none of business and my role is to be there with the tissues if it goes tits up- but I just want her to think about what is acceptable behaviour.

OP posts:

OfficeGirl1969 · 18/10/2015 09:51

Honestly don't sweat it. If he otherwise treats her kindly, loves her and makes her happy then forget it, it's her relationship. Yes, step back

ppeatfruit · 18/10/2015 09:56

Abbleanders the ops dd is NOT A LITTLE GIRL she in her late 20s ffs. My 3 adult dcs would be mortified if I referred to them as "my little children"

Sometimes as a joke maybe

Cel982 · 18/10/2015 10:11

You're applying the customs of a previous generation to your daughter and her contemporaries. People of that age rarely post birthday cards, especially to someone they'll be seeing in a matter of days. Honestly. You're reading something into this that simply isn't there.

Incidentally, referring to your daughter as having 'wasted' years of her life is awful. Of course it was upsetting for you to see her in an unhappy relationship, but those sorts of experiences happen to lots of people and help to shape the adults they become. Please don't let her see that that's how you think of that period of her life.

Crazypetlady · 18/10/2015 10:13

I like cards I hoard them. My oh's birthday is two weeks before mine so he has to buy one really as I get him one, plus I tell him I like them so he buys one. He doesn't always gets one though and although I like them it doesn't reflect at all on our relationship.

TRexingInAsda · 18/10/2015 10:25

You are massively over interested in the ins and outs of her relationship. How would you even know whether or not he posted a card unless you specifically asked her that question (and why would you)? It's weird. Young people don't do posting cards like the older generation. Direct messaging is much more personal, direct, quicker, cheaper - it's just how it's done now. I know a lots of people, if I posted everyone a card, I'd never do anything else with my life! A text message or FB message says happy birthday, and then for someone close I'd give them a present when I saw them. Stop worrying about this it's a total and complete non-issue.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 18/10/2015 11:04

"I know on its own this is not a huge 'deal' but overall he doesn't seem to treat her as nicely as she treats him."

Busybodymummy, can you elaborate?
I actually think sending and receiving cards is a little nicety that can help oil the cogs of relationships. I really appreciuate the effort people make to send me a card that arrives on or just before my birthday, and I do get suspicious when there are too many little niceties that people don't bother with. To me it's always a combination of the lack of these things that slowly erodes respect and love. Thankfully my BF sends cards, and I even have the one he sent when I moved house (because it was such a surprise and so sweet of him to even consider it!). He's the opposite of nasty and controlling. An old friend sent me a congratulations card when I did well in exams because she was proud of me. I still look at them and smile.

What is your DD's attitude to giving and receiving cards?
Do you think she cares that she didn't receive one and is just trying to be the "cool girlfriend" or is she honestly not remotely bothered?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/10/2015 11:29

I think you've been given a hard time OP and after watching your DD go through one bad relationship, I can completely understand why you're worried about her repeating that pattern. It's impossible to tell whether the non-sending of a birthday card is an issue. It might be. It might not.

I also think there's no harm at all in encouraging her to think about what is acceptable in a relationship and what her boundaries are.

I wasted years in a crap relationship at a similar age and I'm sure my family and friends would have said I was a 'nice person, caring, thoughtful' - in a way that perception of me meant I didn't look closely enough at what I had done wrong in the relationship.

I equated being a kind person who went the extra mile with having very poor boundaries in a relationship. What would have helped me and I realise I'm not your DD so may be completely off the mark here was learning that being kind doesn't mean always going the extra mile; that being nice doesn't mean you can't say 'this action makes me unhappy' and that it's not only fine but actually desirable to walk away from anyone who makes you feel lesser than. Support your DD in learning how to have healthy boundaries and trust her instincts not your instincts!

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 18/10/2015 12:00

^^ totally agree with APlaceOnTheCouch

Babbafish · 18/10/2015 12:09

Busy..... Your NOT overly invested ... You are a mum!!!
I think if you are not going to see the person on their birthday then you SHOULD send a card!

It is a bit odd but as long as she's okay about it don't stress. I know you've had to watch and feel her pain from the last break up!

Fingers crossed it just a generation thing !!!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/10/2015 12:19

What APlaceonthecouchsaid Do people really stop fretting about their kids when then they grow up? My 20 something's will always be my precious ones.

So many women get into crap relationships and crap relationships are life ruining. It makes sense to be doing all you can to help you kids make good choices.

SilentBob · 18/10/2015 12:29

OP you say that you don't need patronising yet you have been extremely patronising to PPs here 'if you don't have adult kids you won't understand?! Wow!) and to your daughter- unbeknownst to her maybe but patronising still- by assuming she can neither pick a suitable life partner nor celebrate her birthday when/how she would like.

I would step back if I were you.

ppeatfruit · 18/10/2015 13:03

Tinkly You have to trust your children to make the right choices IT'S THEIR LIFE fgs you can't live it for them. There ain't any perfect relationships, well I don't know any, you just get along or you don't. One can never know what happens in a relationship whether a friends' or a childs'. And that is how it should be.

Plentychilled · 18/10/2015 13:17

You sound like my mum, who was absolutely outraged that my husband didn't get me a birthday card from our 1 month old baby (pre-agreed because I don't get sending cards from babies but each to their own).

Lots of people would rather ring/text/use social media rather than buy a card. It's really not a big deal. Yabu

Baaaaaaaaaaaa · 18/10/2015 13:29

I have to laugh at all the posters deriding people sending cards and/or claiming people don't do it now - it's so passé

My son and his wife (37 and 28) they send cards to family and friends, but especially to each other.

My youngest daughter and her boyfriend (18 & 19) they send cards to family, friends and each other - even bigger .

So yeah, it's not the done thing any more - really? Not in our experience. Just because some of you don't do it doesn't nean everyone else doesn't or shouldn't.

As a mum you never stop caring, no matter how old your kids get. You're right to take note. You're right to keep an eye on her. You're right to be there when needed. And most of all, you're right for caring.

YANBU

Carry on .

coolaschmoola · 18/10/2015 13:32

He didn't get a card - he's in the middle of MOVING. They are celebrating this weekend....

He isn't bu - you are expecting him to sort out a card when he's so busy and they already made plans. Moving is one of the most stressful things we do, yet he didn't forget her birthday, they made plans to celebrate it together later. Which probably means lots of food and filthy sex - which I doubt your daughter will tell you about will probably result in you leaping to the conclusion that he did nothing. You have no idea what is truly going on with them, so you are looking for red flags through a big black sack.

Over investment.

Atenco · 18/10/2015 14:19

In my experience the type of man who is flamboyant with cards,gifts and flowers tend to be the ones who are waving red flags. Emotionally manipulative types tend to be good at the shallow crap

This is totally my point of view, as well as exaggerated opening of doors and suchlike. I have even dropped men who bought me flowers.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 18/10/2015 14:50

And 9 months in, the EA manipulative types can have dropped the extravagant gestures over some perceived slight . . so really card buying on its own isn't an indicator of the health of a relationship.

ppeatfruit · 18/10/2015 16:45

It's good to care Baaaaa but not to suffocate.

MrsTedCrilly · 18/10/2015 17:04

Never had a card off my partner of 8 years but I couldn't care less, he's a brilliant DP. If your daughter is happy then leave them to it.

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