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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell this friend to get lost?

103 replies

thebeezneez · 17/10/2015 00:56

I have quite low self confidence and self esteem. I have somehow acquired a 'friend' over the past few years that has cottoned onto this and constantly criticises my appearance; to the point that I worry now about what to wear when I see her, and dread bumping into her during the school run if I am wearing anything different or new. I got a new coat a month ago and haven't dared to wear it yet as she'll be nasty. She prides herself on her honesty though.

Basically we have a few mutual friends who all dress nicely, and friend has decided that this is fine and that they can 'get away with the things that they wear'. She is very gushy about them all and says how pretty they all are. One always wears nice vintage clothes and dresses really eclectically and my friend is always saying how nice she looks. However my friend is always telling me that I can't get away with various things that I wear. I think she wants me to just wear baggy jeans and a baggy t shirt all the time.

She has, amongst many other things, told me that I should not wear skinny jeans as I am too large (size 10!), my hair makes me look old, I shouldn't wear scarves as they don't suit me, and she laughs at other things that I wear.

I feel like telling her to fuck off. I wish I had the guts to.

OP posts:
ThruUlikeAshortcut · 19/10/2015 13:53

I would laugh, look her up and down and say "maybe your energy would be better spent worrying about your own appearance"

Perfect Grin

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 19/10/2015 13:53

I'd tell her sod off, but I can see that's not always easy.

If you don't feel brave enough to confront her, option 3 is a good idea. You don't have to actively ignore her, just don't engage her in conversation. When you see her, say good morning or whatever then walk on. If she approaches you, say you're too busy to talk. Be polite in the way you would to any other random person, but don't let her take up your time. She sounds deeply unpleasant and no one needs that kind of nastiness in their life.

troubleatmillcock · 19/10/2015 14:01

Yup, you need to tell her to fuck off.

Find some new friends who are actually nice, and by the sounds of it, fun.

You can tell her that, too.

RiceCrispieTreats · 19/10/2015 14:14

Why do you still keep her around? Is there a part of you that feels safer when someone is bossing you around? And do you want that part of you to continue being in charge?

GuyMartinsSideburns · 19/10/2015 14:19

My god she sounds like someone I was 'friends' with. Always making sly digs but then feigning being a bit 'ditzy' if I called her up on it, or turning it back on me and that I was so insecure I was seeing all these digs when really they're werent any... Funny how I only perceived the 'digs' from her tho, surely if it was me being insecure Id be seeing them left right and centre. She acts all prim and delicate when in company and people are all "noooo she's just a bit daft" etc but she's not as silly as she makes out. I got engaged - my ring was 'quite nice', 'dainty'. I got married (quick reg office do, just me Dh and kids, no 'wedding' dress etc) - I got "oh Id DEF need a wedding dress and proper wedding" - what happened to a "Congratulations, really happy for you" etc? I had children - "oh Id never have children before marriage", I got moved to an estate and I got "I wouldn't want to bring my kids up there" (she now lives on said estate but has forgotten she said that...) Everything with her is 'quite nice' - oh your hair is quite nice but I'd never cut mine etc etc I could go on but I think I've said enough! What's wrong with being happy for people and letting them feel good about themselves?

We've since moved and so I don't see her anymore and I stopped replying to her messages recently - didn't hear from her for months and then dh was diagnosed with cancer (she found out from her husband) and then texted me with "how's the house coming along?"! No 'sorry to hear your news, how are you/the children'... I hate to think badly of people but half of me wonders if she's had a good old gloat over the fact that my darling dh is ill and hers isn't.... But that way bitterness lies I know.

Sorry to rant and hijack. Wear your skinnies and your scarves and your coat and enjoy how lovely you are xx And I'm going to get my hair cut short! Grin

Unreasonablebetty · 19/10/2015 14:27

I'm just a bit jealous of you OP, size 10?! Too big for skinny jeans?
Get your skinny arse back in them skinny jeans, put your new coat on and every bloody scarf that you own.,,, make sure you run into her and when she says something tell her that being honest means she's not a liar, but to air an unwanted negative opinion constantly, makes her a very rude person, and you don't want her skewed opinion of what suits you and doesn't.

I bet you look lovely OP.

LovelyFriend · 19/10/2015 14:33

This person is not your "friend".

AnotherEffingOrangeRevel · 19/10/2015 14:45

Yep, she sounds envious and insecure.

Quick check though: how do you act towards her? Are these opinions ever requested? Do you ever compliment/criticise her? Do you talk a lot about this holiday you've mentioned? Is there any particular reason you think she might act this way? (not excusing her, but examining this briefly could potentially help you decide where this behaviour is coming from and therefore what you can do).

CoraPirbright · 19/10/2015 16:46

She is an out and out bullying bitch!! Here are some suggestions off the top of my head:

"Oh, you don't like this either? Quelle surprise" Hmm

"My mother always told me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" Angry

(On hearing her say you are too fat for skinny jeans which of course you aren't) "I may be fat, but you are a cow and at least I can lose weight"

Or possibly just reach the end of your tether and say "will you bloody well stop criticising me. It is constant and I am fucking fed up with it!"

All extremely satisfying but likely to have some fall-out. Perhaps just avoid avoid avoid!!

MintyChops · 19/10/2015 17:07

Too large for skinny jeans? As a size 10???? That's so bloody stupid! I'm a size 20 and I wear skinny jeans with a long tunic and if someone told me I was too large I'd laugh in their face. She's jealous and nasty. I agree with not telling her to fuck off, just keep pointing out how negative she is and remind yourself that she is a bully and her opinion is nothing to you.

Grapejuicerocks · 19/10/2015 17:24

I'd feel sorry for her. It's her problem, not yours - and it's going to cost her your friendship.
Only surround yourself with people who enhance your life. Don't bother with drains.

Whereyourtreasureis · 19/10/2015 19:01

verypissedoff
people who "pride themselves on their honesty" are using the code for "I'm a massive twat and couldn't give a shit what anyone else thinks "

This, with giant multicoloured bells on Grin

RebootYourEngine · 20/10/2015 08:52

Do you ever socialize with her and your mutual friends? If so how is she when they are around, does she still say those nasty jealous comments. What do your friends think about it.

Grapejuicerocks · 20/10/2015 09:02

No, they are only said in private.

CrumbledFeta · 20/10/2015 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScribblerOnTheRoof · 20/10/2015 12:09

Life is way too short to spend it surrounded by people who make you miserable

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2015 14:55

Op she us focus and extremely jealous. I woukd have nothing to do with her. She dissent sound like she likes you very much.

CoraPirbright · 20/10/2015 15:47

CrumbledFeta that is beautifully put!

pictish · 20/10/2015 16:21

She's just not your friend, that's all.
Bye bye.

MistressDeeCee · 21/10/2015 00:56

A truly awful sounding woman. Id avoid her like the plague she is. You owe her no time or attention. Avoid, and if you do come across her a smile (if you must but not breaking step will do..if she wants to stop you to talk you are "busy". Don't let yourself be bullied like this OP there really is no benefit to you whatsoever. So if you can't tell her outright then just do not be friends with her, do not get into conversation with her. Life is far to short to put up with obnoxious people especially those we owe nothing at all in terms of loyalty given their unkind behaviour. Whats the point? That is all.

MistressDeeCee · 21/10/2015 00:57

A truly awful sounding woman. Id avoid her like the plague she is. You owe her no time or attention. Avoid, and if you do come across her a smile (if you must but not breaking step will do..if she wants to stop you to talk you are "busy". Don't let yourself be bullied like this OP there really is no benefit to you whatsoever. So if you can't tell her outright then just do not be friends with her, do not get into conversation with her. Life is far to short to put up with obnoxious people especially those we owe nothing at all in terms of loyalty given their unkind behaviour. Whats the point? That is all.

Stormtreader · 21/10/2015 16:46

Maybe a cheery "I guess we'll have to look terrible together again today!" every time she does it. She might stop when she gets included in her own insults.
Or you could go straight for the "You've got a cheek when you've come out in that!"

evilcherub · 21/10/2015 18:03

Block her on facebook. In real life just give her back what she gives you (the suggestion up thread is best) - "I would laugh, look her up and down and say "maybe your energy would be better spent worrying about your own appearance". Don't be "friends" with people who are not your friends and are just using you to make themselves feel better/using you as an emotional punching bag.

Olddear · 21/10/2015 22:17

She's jealous of you. Fact.

Rachel0Greep · 21/10/2015 22:26

Maybe a cheery "I guess we'll have to look terrible together again today!" every time she does it. She might stop when she gets included in her own insults.

Love this! I love seeing someone called on their own bitchiness, and watching them flounder.
Ignore, ignore, ignore OP, with friends like her, who needs enemies!