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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this friend to get lost?

103 replies

thebeezneez · 17/10/2015 00:56

I have quite low self confidence and self esteem. I have somehow acquired a 'friend' over the past few years that has cottoned onto this and constantly criticises my appearance; to the point that I worry now about what to wear when I see her, and dread bumping into her during the school run if I am wearing anything different or new. I got a new coat a month ago and haven't dared to wear it yet as she'll be nasty. She prides herself on her honesty though.

Basically we have a few mutual friends who all dress nicely, and friend has decided that this is fine and that they can 'get away with the things that they wear'. She is very gushy about them all and says how pretty they all are. One always wears nice vintage clothes and dresses really eclectically and my friend is always saying how nice she looks. However my friend is always telling me that I can't get away with various things that I wear. I think she wants me to just wear baggy jeans and a baggy t shirt all the time.

She has, amongst many other things, told me that I should not wear skinny jeans as I am too large (size 10!), my hair makes me look old, I shouldn't wear scarves as they don't suit me, and she laughs at other things that I wear.

I feel like telling her to fuck off. I wish I had the guts to.

OP posts:
amybeth11 · 17/10/2015 09:19

I had a toxic friend like this, she latched herself on to me and would say things about my appearance that would destroy my self confidence, especially when I was trying to lose my baby weight. It got to the point where I had to write a very long and honest letter to her about how she makes me feel, I explained that this "friendship" didn't feel particularly natural anymore and that I'd appreciate some space for a while. She reacted badly and bad mouthed me to all our mutual friends all over FB, but since I stopped having her in my life my confidence in my appearance has rocketed, and I love my body again. I'm a size 10, I was a size 6 before my DS, but I'm healthy and I love who I am and what my body has achieved- stretch marks and all! Don't ever feel that you have to put up with someone that makes you feel bad. Tell her how you feel. And I hope you wear those skinny jeans- I bet you look gorgeous! x

Tallyloolah · 17/10/2015 09:22

I've got a friend like this. Waits till she's in my home and then starts throwing subtle comments and insults cause she knows I've not got the balls to boot her out. (She does leave obv!)

Aeroflotgirl · 17/10/2015 09:32

She sounds nasty, spiteful, jealous and rude. I would let her go as quickly as hot Cole. You don't need people like that in your life.

perfectlybroken · 17/10/2015 09:34

Ooh I had a friend like that a few years ago, she had me peering get into the mirror thinking, am I really that bad? She used to tell me I wouldn't find a man if I didn't wear makeup. I'm not at all confrontational but there was one such conversation too many and I told her that I didn't like her style either but unsolicited advice about appearance is just rude. She stopped. It was a few years later I described this to someone and they suggested it was jealousy.
I think something about you makes her feel very insecure.

AyeAmarok · 17/10/2015 09:45

Something tells me your self-esteem and confidence would improve immediately upon ditching this friend.

Tell us more about her? She's obviously jealous of you.

MrsDeVere · 17/10/2015 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 17/10/2015 09:51

I have never had a friend as overtly rude as that. I've had to ditch a handful of humdingers in my time, but no - not had this one before. I think it's outrageous bad behaviour.

Yanbu. Start being busy for one on one time, remain polite within the group. I am assuming she doesn't dare say those things to you in front of other people.

Avoid where possible, skim over where not.

BerylStreep · 17/10/2015 09:57

Next time she says something you could wince a bit and point out that she has a bogey hanging out of her nose. That would be funny. You could even offer her a tissue.

I had a male friend years ago who always had some comment to make about my body or clothes. He would say he had seen me out and what I had been wearing made me look really fat etc. I eventually said to him 'is there any chance of having an evening out together when you don't make negative comments about my clothes & weight?' He was a little contrite, but the friendship fizzled out after I challenged him on it.

tobysmum77 · 17/10/2015 09:57

She's just nasty. Why does she think her opinion on what people wear has any bearing to anything anyway?

We all have personal taste, we therefore will prefer peoples style when its similar to our own. But who cares? Women should wear what they like and feel comfortable in without judgy shite about it making them look 'older' I mean what's wrong with that anyway? I have a very good friend who dresses quite old, but she is happy/ really couldn't care less about clothes and if she wanted fashion advice would ask.

Please tell her to fuck off op and find a nicer, less shallow friend.

Damselindestress · 17/10/2015 11:17

I bet you look great and she's sabotaging you so she can look and feel better in comparison. YWNBU to confront her but if you aren't comfortable with that then just distance yourself. I also like the classic mumsnet response "did you mean to be so rude?" with head tilt.

bertsdinner · 17/10/2015 11:49

Another here who thinks she's jealous. I bet she never compliments the other's to their faces, only to you, because she's using it to put you down.
Carry on wearing what you like, I bet you look great and she just dosnt like that.

RaspberryOverload · 17/10/2015 11:58

My DD is a size 8-10 and looks absolutely fabulous in skinny jeans, so I bet you do too.

This does seem like jealousy to me, as others have said. I'd certainly ditch her, why have somebody like this around?

Bambambini · 17/10/2015 12:09

And what are her good points? Why do you like her? I never comment on my friends clothing unless it's to compliment them or they are asking for an honest opinion.

She really doesn't sound like a friend, just get rid or have a robust conversation with her about her behaviour. I'd have got rid long ago though.

lorelei9 · 17/10/2015 12:21

why are you wasting time being "friends" with this woman? She just keeps you around so she's got someone to be mean to.

genuinely flummoxed by this. Confused

what do you say when she makes these comments?

shutupanddance · 17/10/2015 12:23

She is NOT a friend. Shes a big old cowbag. Tell her to fuck right off ghen fuck off some more. Twit.

ChilliAndMint · 17/10/2015 12:28

She's a bully.

She's cottoned on to the fact you have low self esteem and criticizes you as a means to vent her own insecurities.

Next time she makes a comment, I'd follow it up with; " Really? I think I look great in skinny jeans and mad scarves and I'm sorry if my appearance offends you in any way".

liquidrevolution · 17/10/2015 12:30

tell her to FOTHFSOFOAFOSM

She not a friend.

I would love your size 10 figure! Dress it how you want.

iklboo · 17/10/2015 12:47

'There is no limit to amount of off to which I would like you to fuck'

Roussette · 17/10/2015 12:53

I bet you look fabulous but I also bet you are having trouble nipping this in the bud.

Think of your new coat as your "power coat". Wear it with pride, and every time you have it on, slowly learn how to deal with her snarky comments even if it's walking away or just saying "I love it" when she brings up about your coat. Then next time she tries say "I like how I look in it, thank you". Then next time interrupt her and say "STOP now" and walk away. Bit by Bit OP... in a months time you'll be telling her to fuck off Grin

Original poster
thebeezneez · 19/10/2015 13:22

Thank you all for the replies! I really need to grow some balls and a backbone and stop worrying about what she thinks of my clothes don't I.

The other thing she always does, is ignores anything nice I have that happens in my life, yet gushes over mutual friends things. I have recently been on a special holiday and she did not comment on one photo of my holiday on FB yet if friends have days out at theme parks or go on holiday or do anything she is commenting as if it's the best thing ever.

The only thing she has said to me acknowledging my recent holiday is that my tan is fading and will peel soon....

God she is a bitch!

OP posts:
SouthWesterlyWinds · 19/10/2015 13:29

Does she say PA put downs on the quiet/sly of does she post it up on FB?

Original poster
thebeezneez · 19/10/2015 13:31

More on the quiet and sly. Occasionally she will verbally say something fairly mild in a group of friends. No comments on FB just passive aggressive ignoring me.

OP posts:
flustercuck · 19/10/2015 13:35

She sounds exactly like my mother.

The more disparaging the comments, the more fabulous you look, I bet.

Your "friend" hates herself and is massively insecure and jealous.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 19/10/2015 13:38

Then you have three choices

  1. Carry on as usual
  2. Pull her up on it. And I mean pull her up. Even better if there's someone there who heard what she just said and can back you up.
  3. Cut her out. Why put up with her shit if it doesn't make your life happier or nicer. Friends don't come out with cuntnuggets to make you feel bad about yourself. Go for the new fabulous assertive you with coat to make yourself feel better about yourself.
  1. Means she'll carry on the way she has because there's no change
  2. Will either mean that she'll change or will act all self righteous (probably the latter) but wouldn't dare do it again, especially in company
  3. Means you don't have to put up with her shit again.
Original poster
thebeezneez · 19/10/2015 13:44

Option 3 sounds the best one I have to say

OP posts: