To tell this friend to get lost?

[thebeezneez]

I have quite low self confidence and self esteem. I have somehow acquired a 'friend' over the past few years that has cottoned onto this and constantly criticises my appearance; to the point that I worry now about what to wear when I see her, and dread bumping into her during the school run if I am wearing anything different or new. I got a new coat a month ago and haven't dared to wear it yet as she'll be nasty. She prides herself on her honesty though.

Basically we have a few mutual friends who all dress nicely, and friend has decided that this is fine and that they can 'get away with the things that they wear'. She is very gushy about them all and says how pretty they all are. One always wears nice vintage clothes and dresses really eclectically and my friend is always saying how nice she looks. However my friend is always telling me that I can't get away with various things that I wear. I think she wants me to just wear baggy jeans and a baggy t shirt all the time.

She has, amongst many other things, told me that I should not wear skinny jeans as I am too large (size 10!), my hair makes me look old, I shouldn't wear scarves as they don't suit me, and she laughs at other things that I wear.

I feel like telling her to fuck off. I wish I had the guts to.

She sounds like my mum!!

Wear your new coat! Be proud of yourself and have the confidence to know you look great in what YOU choose. Who made her bloody Gok Wan.

Next time she says anything just say
"Honey, when I want your advice I'll ....... I'll never want your advice"
And do a little hair flick.

Also - consider removing this toxic person from your life.

I had a similari(ish) problem with fil telling me I was fat (when pregnant) everytime i saw him (eg "who ate all the pies?" Chortle chortle). I eventually put a stop to it when we went for dinner one night, he asked what I was going to eat so I replied "ooh best not have too much, don't want you telling me I'm fat do I?". His face dropped as he realised what a knob he was being and he apologised. It was the last time he ever said anything similar. Perhaps a similar approach would work? Wear your skinny jeans and all the things she doesn't like that no doubt you look fab in and announce as she comes over "ey up, here she comes to tell me all my clothes look shit". Should make her think twice before doing it again.

She's jealous. She's no friend either. I would wear what the hell you like and decrease contact with her gradually and if she asks you why, tell her. Tell her that she makes you feel bad and you've made up your mind to not have people around you who try to bring you down.

Just roll your eyes and say "God your not gok wan darling."
Then raise your eyebrows and laugh.

Stand up to bullies!

Well since we are being honest with each other, youre a fucking bitch who adds nothing positive to the world.

I can just about guarantee you dress better than I do, and I not a single person that would say anything like this. It's not normal behaviour!

'Oh, not again! You're a bit obsessed with what I wear. I like it and that's all that matters'. Point out she is the one who keeps going on like this. But she isn't actually a friend. What does she do that is so great that outweighs this?

I'm sorry you have met up with someone like this, who only puts you down to make herself feel better.

However, despite your own low self-esteem, why do you think she has a better idea of how you look than youdo?

Next time she says anything just counter it with "well it's a good job it's me wearing it, not you, since you don't like it but I do"; or "who do you think you are, my Dad? I stopped paying attention to him when I was 15 (or however old), why do you think I'm going to listen to you?"

I also like the idea of pre-empting her unpleasant commentary with "let me guess, you hate it, it doesn't suit me, I look terrible - so sad, too bad, I like it" or similar.

Is she complimentary about the clothes the others wear to their faces? Or is she telling you how fabulous they look while keeping an option of dragging them down to their face?

Don't stop wearing the skinny jeans and scarves - the way she attacks them means you look fabulous in them.

Start priding yourself on honesty and tell her

'For goodness sake stop criticising everything I wear....are you feeling a bit frumpy yourself? Want to talk about it'?

Big smile and head tilt at end

Her comments are everything to do with how she feels about herself and nothing to do with how you look. Don't let her self-esteem issues affect yours.

There's no way you're too large for skinny jeans at size 10. Loads of women bigger than that look great in them.

The thing is - bullies are like a homing beacon on low self-esteem. Your friend who dresses eclectically has confidence about her dressing, yes? No target there for her.

Do not put this person in charge of your self-esteem.

I think a silver bullet would be the Fuck. Off. suggested above - but a tired "oh piss off" and walking off would do it too. And then do not apologise. She is not your friend. Just tell your mutual friends yes you've told Bitchfeatures to piss off, and it's because you were fed up of her telling you you looked fat in your clothes. No-one will argue with that...

She is bullying you. Stop getting into conversation with her, wear a headset, be on the mobile ( although put it on silent so it doesn't ring:)

Did you ever become too friendly and ask her opinion and now she thinks she's your stylist? I can't imagine anyone thinking they could criticise my clothes.

And when you turn up looking fabulous in your skinnies, coat etc and she shoots you down, look puzzled, laugh and keep walking, and go and talk to someone nicer.

simple honesty - actually i'm really sick of you putting me down and insulting me all the time and walk away. she can choose whether to realise she's been a bitch and apologise and try to make amends or not and you can choose whether you're interested or not if she does.

please don't put up with it, it's clearly not helping you and she is essentially 'feeding' on you.

I think if you can't bring yourself to be nasty to her, justtell her that you are happy with what you wear/you dress for you not her.

She's not honest, just nasty!

I mean even if you could look better in something else, it really doesn't matter, does it?

At the end of the day it's incredibly shallow to be so focused on looks. Does anyone remember that thread a few weeks ago about "complisults" (insults masquerading as compliments). The vast majority of them were to do with people's looks, well women's looks, I doubt men's looks are constantly critiqued in the same way. I think everyone, both men and women, feel it's fair game to comment on women's looks and even assume that how we look is a primary concern for us.

So if you want to say something that isn't too antagonistic just get all feminist on her arse and say "Look, I dress for me. I choose the clothes I wear because I like them and they express who I am, not because I am worried about what I look like to others." and then turn the spotlight on her by saying "Maybe you need to stop worrying about how you or anyone else looks and" (whilst pointing patronisingly at her heart and tilting head in concerned fashion) "concentrate on what's in here".

She's the one with the problem OP not you.

"You don't like it? That's funny. Dh loves it. In fact last night I wore it just for him and well..... Sorry TMI!"

And a big grin and a wink!

(Obviously only works if you are married or have a partner.)

The key point to remember is that she is being a rude cow. I always get very annoyed when I hear people talk about how they have to be "honest" as though their opinion is the "truth". It's not the truth, it's an opinion. Do you know what is sometimes a really blunt way of saying "fuck off"? Just looking at her with raised eyebrows, sighing and turning away! I have occasionally done this when i can't think of something to say but want to make it clear I'm pissed off!

I bet you look fine, but even if you didn't, would it matter that much? Is there some law that says everyone has to look their best before they can leave the house? If there were it would be unenforceable, because "best" can only ever be subjective.

I think the trick is to show that you're completely unbothered by her opinion, by for example replying "oh really?" or "d'you reckon?" to every rude comment, with or without a faux-polite smile, and then carrying on wearing exactly what you choose. If she sees she isn't getting to you she'll either give up or escalate to the point where her vicious nature is clear to the whole group.

I make sure I'm not smelly or too obviously dirty before going shopping, whilst others look as though they expect to be discovered by a model agency any minute. I can't be doing with all that fuss for a mere supermarket trip. Of course it's theoretically possible that the millionaire of my dreams is just waiting for the right woman in the right dress to amble through the detergent aisle, but fairly unlikely if the truth were told. If some "friend" decided to comment that I looked frumpy I'd just stare in bewilderment because, yeah, and? "Your flies are undone" or "you've got a smudge on your nose" is something I probably want to know and therefore helpful. "You have not dressed in a way which I personally believe would maximise your attractiveness" is not - even if it were true rather than a put-down technique. The put-down wouldn't work on me because I simply don't care. Faking not-caring is nearly as good!

I wouldn't say fuck off or piss off to her because it shows you're rattled. And gains her some sympathy 'She swore at me, I was so offended....'

I'd go for a quizzical look and 'you never say anything nice do you?'

She sounds like a desperately unhappy person. I wonder what has happened in her life to make her feel so inadequate that she has this need to put others down.

Next time you know you're going to see her, put on your skinny jeans (size 10, too big for skinny jeans?? You're tiny FFS!) and your new coat. When she makes one of her ridiculous comments just look her in the eye and, very calmly, reply "you always seem very concerned with how other people look. Why do think that is?" with a sympathetic head tilt that let's her know you realise how insecure she is and actually feel a bit sorry for her. Then walk away before she has time to answer. Hopefully it will encourage a bit of self-refection.

She won't bring it up again.

Priding oneself on one's honesty is just an excuse for being rude and hurtful.

Do other people hear her do this, or does she wait until you're alone?

All of the above suggested answers are great. I would try them out in turn every time she makes a comment.

If it were me, I would say "You do know it's rude to comment on someone's appearance don't you?" And when she gave me the spiel about being honest I would either refer her to my first sentence, or say, "Well, actually, I would rather you were polite - your honesty is just plain bad manners".

Bet she never says it in front of your other friends. Next time you are all together say to them, what do you think about jeans/scarf/coat, because mrs snidy arse thinks they make me look crap.
Or like everyone else has said, hold your head high, tell her to wind her neck in and ignore.