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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my husband is planning a surprise party

123 replies

yummymango · 16/10/2015 21:15

I have found out that my husband is planning a surprise party for my 40th birthday. I'm not a massive party fan in general and absolutely hate the thought of a surprise party. I had a baby a few weeks ago, I feel fat, have issues with becoming 40 and don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all really. When my husband asked me what I wanted to do I said not much, maybe cinema and meal out just the two of us - that's all I wanted. I was really looking forward to having a night out together as we don't get to do that much these days. I am gutted that he has disregarded what I wanted on my birthday. I have issues with anxiety and hate being the centre of attention. The thought of everyone looking at me to see my reaction makes me feel sick. He should know this, we have been together 10 years! How can he do this to me? I now have to either ask him to cancel it, which makes me very uneasy knowing that everyone will think I'm a big party pooper, or I just have to endure it and therefore will not be looking forward to my birthday very much.
I feel terrible as I know he is doing it because he loves me and because I wasn't really planning anything myself and I know he thought he was doing something nice for me. I don't want to upset him but at the same time I am upset with him that he has done this. Either way I feel like I loose out. Am I being completely selfish?

OP posts:

theycallmemellojello · 18/10/2015 16:33

And no I am a very shy person who does not like parties! Fortunately so is my dh. But I do just think it's important to look at the intent behind something when judging it. I think that there's no question that the party should be cancelled btw.

Elledouble · 18/10/2015 16:42

I feel for you, OP! What a dilemma. I've got a big birthday coming up and the thought that someone might do this to me gives me the dry horrors. No-one would (I think!) because I don't 'do' birthdays particularly - don't think I've even invited mates to the pub for about four years - but the idea is still bloody hideous. Hope it all works out, whatever you decide to do.

CactusAnnie · 18/10/2015 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baconyum · 18/10/2015 19:40

Hello the OP was very clear that her dh KNOWS or should given their/her history that this is an awful idea and something she'd hate!

Also you don't seem to understand anxiety - the size/significance of an anxiety inducing problem is irrelevant, the anxiety is still there and usually with no significant difference in effect.

Original poster

yummymango · 19/10/2015 00:01

Sorry, I haven't been on here all weekend as I have been busy arguing about this friggin party - as well as running around looking after my baby and sick 4 year old whilst DH has been recovering from the flu.
Just wanted to say thanks for all the supportive comments.
So I found out something was going on as he was being a bit cagey about stuff, asked to look at my Facebook on my phone to check if I could see something and then a few days later I saw a message pop up on his phone from my sister which said 'let me know if you want me to invite anyone' or something. Then another friend asked me what I had decided to do for my birthday, even though I hadn't discussed my birthday with her (as I was keeping it quiet) and I don't think we have known each other long enough for her to know when my birthday is.
I decided to confront him about it. He tried to deny it at first which just made me cross. Anyway, it turns out it's not a 'party' but a 'gathering of around 14 friends'. He seemed to think there was a big difference, and also thought my anxiety of these situations was limited to people I didn't know and not friends. When I explained how I felt he thought he could change my feelings towards it. That pissed me right off! Anyway, he clearly didn't really understand where I was coming from. But it transpired that when he asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday he had already booked and paid for the venue and invited everyone so it was too late to do anything about it. And he was so sure that I would love the actual venue that he still thought it was a good idea. I still don't know who is coming or where/what it is - although I think he would have told me if I had asked.
After all this, I am still annoyed as it just proves he really doesn't listen to me half the time but I do believe he was genuinely trying to to do something for me in good faith and to make me happy. So definitely not planned in spite. He offered to cancel it, so I am now in the situation where I either just accept it, paint that smile on and hope it isn't too bad or I ask him to cancel it which means he will presumably lose money and I feel bad that friends have arranged babysitters etc to come and spend my birthday with me. I feel like either way I lose :( What is even more annoying is my sister is in on this as well despite me telling her a surprise party would be worst nightmare. What on earth is everyone thinking!

OP posts:

herderofcats · 19/10/2015 00:05

Oh op, what a nightmare.

ohtheholidays · 19/10/2015 00:09

OP,if you want him to cancel then tell him that.It isn't your fault you'd made it very clear and very obvious that it's not something you wanted and you should have been listened to.

If he lets people know today(once the sun has come up )then that should give them plenty of notice to cancel any babysitters they've booked.

ohtheholidays · 19/10/2015 00:11

sorry posted to soon and I honestly think it would be better to loose what ever he's already paid for the hall than for him to carry on spending on something you really don't want.

Just think if it was the other way round I bet you'd do what he wanted rather than what you wanted for his birthday.

Baconyum · 19/10/2015 00:12

You do what YOU want.

And yes give your sister a talking to as well! If anything she should have said 'don't do it, she'd hate it and you'll be in the doghouse'

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/10/2015 01:28

Oh dear, Yummy - what a PITA! But they probably thought along the lines of the few posters in here who think "Oh you'll enjoy it when you get there".

You know what, I think if you decide to let it go ahead, then at least get the details from your DH so you avoid the surprise aspect; then you can gear up for it better because you know what to expect.
But it also depends on how bad your anxiety will get, and how much money he will lose.

Your sister should definitely have known better, but mine would have done the same as yours. :(

Jenny70 · 19/10/2015 03:13

Do the details change things? Are the friends ones you would like to see and catch up with, or does it still make you anxious and upset? (I am guessing it does since you didn't say, "all OK only few friends, not too upset about this").

I would get him to cancel, yes money is lost, but your happiness/comfort is compromised if you go ahead.

People with babysitters can organise their own night out if they want, or cancel if they don't want their own night out.

If I went ahead, grinned and bore it, I would resent it - every birthday, every time I didn't feel listened to etc.

And to me, going ahead tells him that it is OK to run over your opinions on things, and would be a thorn in my side.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/10/2015 07:09

Better to lose a small amount of money now than waste more on something you'll hate.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And there's plenty of time to cancel people.

CactusAnnie · 19/10/2015 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 19/10/2015 08:22

Get him to cancel. Hopefully the loss of deposit will help him to learn his lesson!

RaspberryOverload · 19/10/2015 20:37

I'd get him to cancel. He should have gone ahead and just cancelled when he asked you what you wanted and he found out that it wasn't a party.

I'd also be tearing a strip off the sister. She should have put the brakes on this idea after you'd said a party would be hell.

TalkinPeece · 19/10/2015 20:57

I love parties.
I HATE surprise parties.
YANBU

Your sister and DH need some sense knocked into their heads.

hebihebi · 19/10/2015 21:08

If it's a venue you like and people you like, how about just having a casual get-together rather than a surprise party? Your husband can just tell everyone that you found out so you don't have to do the embarrassing "Surprise!" thing. You could then invite who you wanted and do things the way you wanted. If even that doesn't sound appealing then just cancel.

ThatsDissapointing · 19/10/2015 21:21

It's no longer a surprise party. It's just a party.

Mmmmcake123 · 19/10/2015 22:11

You could still cancel and I think you should, but obv now people know about it you will look ungrateful. If you can front this and not care then go for it as other posts suggest, but that is easier said than done if you don't have a particularly forceful personality.
Obv dh's cinema suggestion was just a ruse to have an excuse to get you out of the house but has backfired as you would have enjoyed it more.
Feel for you, it's a tricky one.
Think DS may have just been a bit excited that dh was actually planning something special for you and maybe didn't want to out an instant downer on it.

overthemill · 19/10/2015 22:12

I think you should either pluck up your courage and tell him that you've found out and honestly cannot bear the thought of it, you know you will hate it and feel guilty afterwards about time, effort, expense he went to . OR ask a good friend/ family member to tell him.

My DH is a social butterfly. I am not. His idea of fun is huge party, centre of attention. My idea of hell. I have primed all 3 kids and all my sisters to make sure that he doesn't plan me a party for my 60th which in about 2 years. He spoke to me about it 6 months ago and said how fab it would be to have a huge party and combine it with our 20th anniversary. I said slowly and clearly: for my 60th I want a family holiday, us and the kids somewhere really nice in a place we love eg France or Greece. And maybe nice meal and night away just us 2 on day itself ( my birthday isn't really European holiday season).

Mmmmcake123 · 19/10/2015 22:13

put an instant

overthemill · 19/10/2015 22:19

Sorry I didn't see your update post when I did mine. I think you should try to tell him that it doesn't matter how kind he thought he was being, you don't want it. Everybody else can go but you want him and you to go for a nice meal. I honestly think you have to or it will always be a source of conflict between you.

Why do men do this? They always bloody think they know us better than we do. Makes me very annoyed

zipzap · 20/10/2015 20:27

Just seen your update...

I think I'd tell DH that all I'd like to do on my birthday is go to the cinema and have a meal with him, with no stresses.

It's really not fair of your dh to put the decision for this into your hands and make you the party pooper if you cancel the party. He should love you enough to make the right decision - cancel the party himself and do what you would like to do on your birthday. In fact I'd ask him straight out if he loves you enough to let you do what you want to on your special birthday or is he going to put himself and everybody else first and do what he wants to do, you can't understand why he wants to make you so unhappy on your birthday...

If he loses the deposit for the venue then so be it - he should have known better than to book it. And it's better than paying for the whole thing and hating it but having to put on a brave face and pretend you're having a nice time.

I'd also drag your sister into it as she seems to have egged him on. Say that you are desperately upset that he seems determined to have this ruddy party and that you can't understand why he (and she!) are so determined that you have the party even though you've told them that you really don't want it and you have already told him that you want to do something different. Get her to understand that it's really important to you that it gets cancelled.

I'd be really tempted to actually buy tickets to the film that you want to see on your birthday (whether you buy one or two at the rate things are going is up to you!) and then post a picture of it on your facebook page, saying that you're really excited about going to the cinema on your birthday. And then watch what happens - it will show your dh that you are serious about not wanting a party.

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