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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my husband is planning a surprise party

123 replies

yummymango · 16/10/2015 21:15

I have found out that my husband is planning a surprise party for my 40th birthday. I'm not a massive party fan in general and absolutely hate the thought of a surprise party. I had a baby a few weeks ago, I feel fat, have issues with becoming 40 and don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all really. When my husband asked me what I wanted to do I said not much, maybe cinema and meal out just the two of us - that's all I wanted. I was really looking forward to having a night out together as we don't get to do that much these days. I am gutted that he has disregarded what I wanted on my birthday. I have issues with anxiety and hate being the centre of attention. The thought of everyone looking at me to see my reaction makes me feel sick. He should know this, we have been together 10 years! How can he do this to me? I now have to either ask him to cancel it, which makes me very uneasy knowing that everyone will think I'm a big party pooper, or I just have to endure it and therefore will not be looking forward to my birthday very much.
I feel terrible as I know he is doing it because he loves me and because I wasn't really planning anything myself and I know he thought he was doing something nice for me. I don't want to upset him but at the same time I am upset with him that he has done this. Either way I feel like I loose out. Am I being completely selfish?

OP posts:

zipzap · 16/10/2015 22:11

I'd tell him that you've booked tickets to see the film you really wanted to see, you assume he has got babysitters sorted as you'd already said about the film, and that you're really looking forward to it, and so glad that you're spending it with just him.

If you're feeling up to it you could even say you've booked the weekend away and that you're pretty sure that xxx would be able to have the dc, that you're really looking forward to it, etc etc. And then see what his reaction is...

Might be a mechanism to force him to confess the plans and in turn ask him to cancel them.

dstream · 16/10/2015 22:14

I feel your pain. DH organised one for me, IN SPITE OF ME TELLING HIM THAT I NEVER WANTED ONE. He had invited about 40 people. I hate being the centre of attention, and have never given the impression that I enjoyed surprise parties. I don't know for whose benefit the party was. Certainly not mine. I spent all of that night not able to sleep, I was so much in anguish about what happened. In spite of the big show it just showed that I didn't matter at all. Not one little bit.

Don't do it. Just go somewhere and do your own thing. It's his mess to deal with.

Mmmmcake123 · 16/10/2015 22:30

YADNBU but it depends where you think DH is coming from when deciding whether to make sure it doesn't happen.
If normally he is a really good guy and just got things wrong I might be tempted to go along with it. I would need to walk in with DH or a good friend following a quick drink elsewhere. Also, be half an hour late, that way everyone else will be less intense on you when you get there. They'll be wanting to get the party started and before you know it the buffet will be on.
If you downright feel he should know better, do you think it's possible he just wanted to do something special, especially after new baby coming along, he might be feeling that you are in the background and wanting to 'big you up'.
If he always pays no attention to where you stand on things like this book something for that evening that can't be cancelled, such as theatre or overnight in a hotel out of town, Groupon if funds are low. Book soon but don't tell him details so he can't cancel.

WoTmania · 16/10/2015 22:33

YANBU. I hate parties (most parties but particularly parties for me) and I hate surprises and would hate the two combined but even if I liked them you would not unreasonable as it's your birthday. Foolish DH.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 16/10/2015 22:36

Well this was me a few years ago. I really wanted to just go to the cinema with dh (major treat for us since dc) I found out when a friend blurted out how sorry she was to miss Saturday night on the playground...

I wasn't able to hide it from dh that I knew (and all my friends came up to me on the night and said "ah you knew didn't you?") but I did have a lovely evening.

So not sure what to advise really...

Lauren15 · 16/10/2015 22:38

My dh tried to do this for me but I found out in advance so it just became a normal party. The worst part was he invited people I didn't even like! It may not be what you want, but he is trying to do something nice for you.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 16/10/2015 22:44

Id sit him down, say, look love, I know about the party, and although it's lovely and sweet of you, what I really want most in the world is an evening with the man I love most in the world. Why not go out on another night with (best friends) for a meal. But I'm really looking forward to us just being a couple. Give him a big kiss and a big smile. He thinks he's done good, no need to be horrible to him.

captaincake · 16/10/2015 22:46

I have been in this situation once. I didn't say anything. I decided it was with the best intentions and went along with it to make everyone else happy. It was horrid and if I could go back in time I would have told DH I had found out and ask him to cancel it. He didn't even invite anyone I knew only his extended family and some people I didn't even know. Not that they aren't all nice but...

VeganCow · 16/10/2015 22:55

I would hate a party, and a surprise party even more.
It will hurt his feelings but why do his feelings matter more than yours? Tell him you dont want it and he must cancel.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2015 09:46

The man is supposed to know her.
Why does she need to pander to his ego when he hasn't really thought about her at all?

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/10/2015 09:59

I absolutely love surprise parties, but if you don't and he knows this, he should respect it. A surprise party SHOULD be all about the person whose birthday/event it is, not the person organising it....so it should be done only for people like me who really enjoy it, and not people like you who have made it clear they really don't.

Since you've somehow found out about it, perhaps a quiet word in which you explain that you understand why he's doing it and you really appreciate the thought and intention, but it just won't make you happy.

oneowlgirl · 17/10/2015 10:18

It's your birthday so if you don't want the party, then tell him clearly to cancel it.

Damselindestress · 17/10/2015 10:27

YANBU, it sounds like something he is doing for him, so that he looks like a good husband in front of friends, rather than for you. It's your birthday and you made it clear you wanted a quiet one. I think you need to say something to him, either directly telling him you found out about it and are dreading it for all the reasons you said here or indirectly by dropping hints:

'I'm a bit stressed about turning 40, I'm so glad we're just having a nice quiet meal so there's no pressure.'

'Since the baby was born we haven't had a chance to spend much time together as a couple so I'm really looking forward to my birthday meal. It'll be lovely to spend some time together just the two of us.'

'What restaurant should we go to on my birthday? Or did you want it to be a surprise? Because you know I don't like surprises.'

Or tell him a funny story about the time your colleague's husband threw her a surprise party and it turned out to be a total disaster because she's shy and hates that kind of thing, throwing in that you know how she feels, you'd hate that too.

puddymuddles · 17/10/2015 10:49

I would love it if DH dd this for me (as long as he did all the work/clearing up etc!). He is just doing what he thinks is the right thing. Go out and get an outfit and your hair done, you will love it when the time comes am sure!

Tinklewinkle · 17/10/2015 11:02

YANBU

I'm currently going through something similar with my DH.

I'll be turning 40 soon too, and I've been crystal clear that I DO NOT want a party. I'm not big on parties anyway, but I'm not over keen on turning 40 so I'd rather have a nice meal out with my family and spend the money we'd spend on a party on something I'd actually like (I have a craft shed out in the garden which is really just an old manky summer house but is getting a bit tatty so I'd like to pull it down and build a new one)

He knows this, yet I've recently had my Mum ring me to warn me that DH is in the early stages of organising a surprise party. Mum, and my brother have tried a couple of times to put DH off but he seems determined to go ahead with it.

I am actually really quite hurt about it. DH is a party person, so to me it feels like he's high jacking my birthday to do something he wants, rather than accepting it's my birthday and I want to do something else.

We're having some issues at the moment so this is just another thing that makes me wonder if I really matter

RaspberryOverload · 17/10/2015 11:11

It may not be what you want, but he is trying to do something nice for you.

So what if he's trying to do something nice? He could have simply listened to what the OP actually said she wanted, after all, it is her birthday.

To me, it's the same sort of metality that you get when people ask you for a list of potential birthday presents from you and then decide they don't want to get you something you ask for but what they want to buy you, even if you don't like it.

Sparkletastic · 17/10/2015 11:13

I'd tell him you know and tell him to cancel it as you want to go out just the two of you. Inform friends / family it is cancelled just to be sure your wishes aren't ignored.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 17/10/2015 11:28

Go and have a nice massage and chill out and switch off the phone in case he calls u
Who will have the baby?

BathshebaDarkstone · 17/10/2015 11:34

My 40th birthday was spent taking my DC out for lunch at McDonalds as it's in the summer holidays. I wouldn't have swapped it for the world. Tell your DH that you really just want it to be you and him.

Janeymoo50 · 17/10/2015 11:38

I understand your anxiety.....is there however a compromise to be had? Does he know you know? If perhaps you had more control over the party (attendees, location) do you think that would help make the whole thing more bearable?

yorkshapudding · 17/10/2015 11:53

I would loathe the idea of a surprise party at the best of times but a few weeks after giving birth?? I would absolutely be dreading this so I completely get where you're coming from, OP.

I have to disagree with those telling you to drop hints to your DH about being really glad you're having a night just the two of you, wanting to see a particular film etc. Do you really think he'll pick up on those hints? He's known you for years and yet didn't pick up on the fact that a surprise party is your idea of hell. Don't play games. Don't drop hints and then feel stressed or upset when he doesn't get it. Just be honest. "DH, I know about the party. I'm sure you meant well but, honestly, a big party is the last thing I want right now and the thought of it is stressing me out. Please cancel it and let's just have an evening out by ourselves like I suggested before". Job done.

IWasHereBeforeTheHack · 17/10/2015 11:54

janethegirl2: I'm going to buck the trend, I'd love my dh to arrange a surprise birthday party for me as long as he did all the planning, food, entertainment etc.

As long as he doesn't do what my DH did: he invited people whose details he found in my address book. My OLD address book. The ones scored out had been transferred to my NEW address book, which I kept in my bag, the ones who'd not been scored out were my 'B' list.

I've never told him

Anyway, OP, it's no longer a surprise party, is it? Could you make it more about thanking your guests for being there for you throughout your 40 years, advising you, being a shoulder to cry on, celebrating the good times? Maybe you could turn the tables and make some of them the centre of attention instead of you.

PS I can understand why you don't fancy this when you've just had a baby. Can you do the quiet night as well?

jay55 · 17/10/2015 12:08

I'd hate it. I'd go ahead to the cinema and see 3 films in a row alone.

Salmotrutta · 17/10/2015 12:09

I'd go the honesty route too yummy.

How did you find out? Did someone tell you knowing you'd hate it or was it an accidental slip of the tongue?

Because that might dictate how you play this to some extent.

Would the person who told you be the target of annoyance from your DH?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 17/10/2015 13:08

The people telling the Op that her DH is just trying to do something nice for her and she'll enjoy it in the end, I'm sure they mean well but its actually really dismissive of the Ops feelings on the matter. She has said that the idea of it makes her feel sick. I and others on the thread would feel the same and no one should be overruled on something like this by someone who decides they know better. What exactly is nice about that for the Op?

It's the sort of thing maybe a misguided friend might do but your husband? The person you are sharing your life with and should know you better than anyone? At the age of 40 she really does now her own likes and dislikes and shouldn't have a party inflicted on her because someone decides she should like it.

I would actually be quite hurt if DH did this as I'd feel bulldozed into doing something I'd find very stressful and would wonder does he even know me at all. Op is now in a position where she either has to tell him to cancel and possibly be seen as no fun, ungrateful etc OR she has to paste on a smile and fake her way through it. Some birthday treat!

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