Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be upset that my husband is planning a surprise party

123 replies

yummymango · 16/10/2015 21:15

I have found out that my husband is planning a surprise party for my 40th birthday. I'm not a massive party fan in general and absolutely hate the thought of a surprise party. I had a baby a few weeks ago, I feel fat, have issues with becoming 40 and don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all really. When my husband asked me what I wanted to do I said not much, maybe cinema and meal out just the two of us - that's all I wanted. I was really looking forward to having a night out together as we don't get to do that much these days. I am gutted that he has disregarded what I wanted on my birthday. I have issues with anxiety and hate being the centre of attention. The thought of everyone looking at me to see my reaction makes me feel sick. He should know this, we have been together 10 years! How can he do this to me? I now have to either ask him to cancel it, which makes me very uneasy knowing that everyone will think I'm a big party pooper, or I just have to endure it and therefore will not be looking forward to my birthday very much.
I feel terrible as I know he is doing it because he loves me and because I wasn't really planning anything myself and I know he thought he was doing something nice for me. I don't want to upset him but at the same time I am upset with him that he has done this. Either way I feel like I loose out. Am I being completely selfish?

OP posts:

Baconyum · 18/10/2015 03:53

I'm actually really cross with those saying she should just deal with it as 'he's done a nice thing'

NO HE HASN'T! He's done the exact opposite of what OP asked and ignored her wishes and feelings entirely. That's not nice its selfish!

OP tell him you know and he'd better cancel now as you won't be attending. It's your birthday you get to do what you want.

SilverNightFairy · 18/10/2015 03:53

I would rather stick a fork in my eye than have a surprise party given for me. My 50th birthday just passed and there was some noise about a partay but I quickly squashed that nonsense. I think you need to be real with your dh about your feelings. It is your birthday, you just had a baby, you are the one that matters. You really should have the birthday you want.

Mehitabel6 · 18/10/2015 07:26

I would tell him that you know about it, don't like it but since it is too late to cancel take control of it yourself.

scrappydappydoo · 18/10/2015 07:42

Oh this so my thread - I feel your pain op but I don't quite know what you can do about it. I have spent years battling everyone I know about how I should spend my birthday. I hate that my birthday is all about everyone else. I now don't tell anyone when my birthday is and that is just perfect for me.
I guess i would sit down with dh and talk it through - what he has planned might not be what your anxiety has built up in your head and you have enough time to make some changes to make it bearable.

seastargirl · 18/10/2015 07:55

My husband did this for my 30th when I was pregnant. I found out and was gutted as we'd booked to go to my favorite restaurant, instead, I was going to a party where a load of people would get drunk and there would be a crap buffet instead of the food I'd been craving. However, I had a great night and it was lovely to see the effort he'd gone to. You'll enjoy it far more than you think.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 08:06

"You'll enjoy it far more than you think."

No, you enjoyed it far more than you thought - that has no bearing on how the OP feels or will feel.

CactusAnnie · 18/10/2015 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

helenahandbag · 18/10/2015 09:10

I would hate this. In fact, I even hate other people's parties! I have terrible anxiety and despise being the centre of attention, to the point that I've pissed off much of my family by announcing that DP and I will be married alone next year and not a single person is invited. There will also be no party after the ceremony, which has gone down like a lead balloon.

The OP's husband hasn't done a nice thing!

Chrysanthemum5 · 18/10/2015 09:18

My BIL did this for his wife's 50th. She thought they were going out for a quiet meal, but we all turned up! Knowing my SIL I knew she would find it hard as she is a quiet, shy person - I think she had a nice enough time, but not nicer than she would have had at a quiet meal. What made it worse was that at the end the hotel played 'Happy Birthday' through loud speakers and everyone in the hotel sang to her - at that point she was pretty embarrassed! In the car on the way home I told DH that if he did that to me I'd kill him.

I think the OP's DH may think he's doing a nice thing, but he's just not listened to her or what she wants. I find the idea that she should just suck it up baffling - it's her birthday why should she put the feelings of other people ahead of her own?

Waltermittythesequel · 18/10/2015 09:46

It's really annoying to read countless posters be so dismissive of OP's feelings.

It's not too late to cancel because she's not posting from the party! She can say no and that's the end of it.

If dh planned this I honestly wouldn't go.

Bunbaker · 18/10/2015 09:56

"It's really annoying to read countless posters be so dismissive of OP's feelings."

I agree. Where has the OP gone? I am dying for an update.

LeafyLafae · 18/10/2015 10:26

OP - YANBU in the slightest.
My OH had planned a surprise birthday party for one of my 'landmark' birthdays, but I have never been that kind of person. Thankfully, a boastful friend was telling me all about their contribution to the planning (hmm, if my friend knew I hate surprise parties and assumed DH had told me about it) so was forewarned DH invited a couple of friends, but not others, but invited mine and his parents (to make up the numbers, perhaps?). Overall, it was a terrible evening and sat in the loo crying

I suspect that DH wanted to make a fuss of me, but was too lazy to put any proper thought into it didn't go the best way about it.
I guess if you've just had babba, you won't have the opportunity to just drown your sorrows at the party instead like I ended up doing ?

Topseyt · 18/10/2015 10:30

I agree with Waltermitty.

I hate parties as I said earlier in the thread. The OP has mentioned that she suffers anxiety, so doesn't really like parties or being the centre of attention at the best of times.

Add the fact that she has recently had a baby into the mix and that must make it a million times worse.

Surprise parties are fine if you know you are dealing with a person who loves that sort of thing, but OP has made clear that she isn't one of those people.

I suspect her DH does believe that he is doing this wonderful thing, but he is totally misguided. He needs to be told that in order to avert a disaster.

theycallmemellojello · 18/10/2015 14:11

YANBU not to want it - that's completely reasonable. But YABU to be resentful of him when he's just trying to be nice, and cheer you up as it sounds like you're having a hard time. Be grateful for what you have, which appears to be a husband who loves you and friends who want to celebrate your birthday. By all means cancel the party, absolutely nothing wrong with that. But make sure you do so with tact and showing your gratitude for the thought.

CactusAnnie · 18/10/2015 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/10/2015 15:28

If he were trying to be nice he'd have done something for her, something he knew she would like.

Not go out of his way to hijack her birthday with a party which makes her anxious.

Be grateful? I'd be furious!

theycallmemellojello · 18/10/2015 16:04

Well ok, if there's a massive backstory and it's likely that the dh knows that the op would hate this and is organising it specifically to make her uncomfortable then it's clearly a different matter! But in most relationships, if someone goes to a great deal of trouble to organise someone a party, it's because they're trying to make them happy. I get that he is misguided, I get that he should have listened, but I don't think that him having got the wrong end of the stick means that he is horrible or that he has done something wrong. Lots of people say oh I don't want anything for my birthday, but that doesn't mean that the people around them don't want to make a fuss or that it is horrible for them to want to do so. The dh has misjudged the situation, the op should explain this kindly rather than being angry. And yes, I do think that a loving partner and friends are something to be grateful for! Didn't realise that was controversial

noeffingidea · 18/10/2015 16:12

Yes, but why would you ask your partner what they want to do, and then go and arrange the complete opposite? Why not just give them the thing they actually want?

CactusAnnie · 18/10/2015 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theycallmemellojello · 18/10/2015 16:17

Because some people have a tendency to undersell themselves, not make demands, say they don't want a fuss etc etc and the people around them might want to do something nice for them even though they haven't demanded it? I get that dh has made the wrong choice, but unless there's a huge backstory about him being the type to be weirdly passive aggressive or to love showing off his generosity or something else that the op hasn't alluded to, I think it's safe to assume that he is organising the party because he's trying, however misguidedly, to do the right thing.

theycallmemellojello · 18/10/2015 16:19

No cactus, but you need a backstory of some description to decide that someone is the kind of person to organise a birthday party out of spite! That's quite extreme behaviour, and isn't what the op has suggested. It's far likelier IMO he's just tried to do the right thing and cocked up.

YakTriangle · 18/10/2015 16:20

I know it's supposed to be a nice thing to do for someone, but I'd never plan a surprise party for anybody for the same reasons as the OP gives for not wanting one. Unless you know the person is the life and soul and would be delighted, it's a dreadful thing to do to someone.

My DH would never plan one for me because he knows me well enough to realise that I'd be mortified. I'm surprised that he would ask you what you wanted and then do the opposite. It's weird to make such an effort to plan something for your partner that they've already said they don't want.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/10/2015 16:21

There doesn't need to be a 'massive backstory'.

She has anxiety issues and has just had a baby.

I don't know her and I know a surprise party wouldn't be a good choice!

CactusAnnie · 18/10/2015 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theycallmemellojello · 18/10/2015 16:32

I agree it was inconsiderate, but I don't understand how it can be selfish. That implies it was for his benefit not hers, and I do think that there would have to be a backstory for me to accept that was the case. I also don't necessarily think that it would occur to someone that inviting say, 3 friends and some family members over unexpectedly would be triggering to someone's anxiety. If it's a 50 person party then that's a different matter, but if the dh knows the op is a fairly quiet person, it's surely likelier to be a small affair? In any case, I do think that the husband has misjudged things but for as far as it's possible to tell (and I do accept that more information could change this impression) is coming from a loving place.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5