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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my husband is planning a surprise party

123 replies

yummymango · 16/10/2015 21:15

I have found out that my husband is planning a surprise party for my 40th birthday. I'm not a massive party fan in general and absolutely hate the thought of a surprise party. I had a baby a few weeks ago, I feel fat, have issues with becoming 40 and don't feel like celebrating my birthday at all really. When my husband asked me what I wanted to do I said not much, maybe cinema and meal out just the two of us - that's all I wanted. I was really looking forward to having a night out together as we don't get to do that much these days. I am gutted that he has disregarded what I wanted on my birthday. I have issues with anxiety and hate being the centre of attention. The thought of everyone looking at me to see my reaction makes me feel sick. He should know this, we have been together 10 years! How can he do this to me? I now have to either ask him to cancel it, which makes me very uneasy knowing that everyone will think I'm a big party pooper, or I just have to endure it and therefore will not be looking forward to my birthday very much.
I feel terrible as I know he is doing it because he loves me and because I wasn't really planning anything myself and I know he thought he was doing something nice for me. I don't want to upset him but at the same time I am upset with him that he has done this. Either way I feel like I loose out. Am I being completely selfish?

OP posts:
areyoubeingserviced · 17/10/2015 13:11

I would hate it
Dont blame you OP

NorbertDentressangle · 17/10/2015 13:18

YANBU - I would hate a surprise party too.

I'm only a couple of years off 50 ( eek Shock - still comes as a surprise to me that I'm that old!!) and have told DP and the DC NOT to organise any sort of surprise party or else!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2015 13:21

I feel for you, I do. DH threatened to do this for my 40th but did nothing as it would have been wildly inappropriate, my mum having died a couple of weeks prior to it.

He's threatened again for my 50th, but knowing his track record in organising stuff, it ain't going to happen. I wouldn't like it at all.

OurBlanche · 17/10/2015 13:24

Yummy, do you think it is possible that someone in your family has had a chat with your DH - Oh Yummy needs a good cheer up. Lots of women need a bit of a push to get back into the swing of it after a baby. She's always said that but she loves a good party really, she will love it!

I'd hate any kind of party but know that DHs shit-for-brains brother worked hard on DH to arrange my 30th as a huge bash. DH just laughed and shoved me into the car and drove me away for the weekend.

I just thought your DH may have had similar outside interference!

noeffingidea · 17/10/2015 13:43

I would tell him to cancel, and if he didn't I'd go out on my own. There's no reason why you should be forced to do something you hate just because he thinks it's a good idea.

noeffingidea · 17/10/2015 13:46

Oh, to answer your question, no, you're not being selfish. Going to a party isn't compulsory Smile

wotsitsmaltesers · 17/10/2015 13:52

I think one of the issues is that you know about it - which means it's the same as if you were doing a planned one which is why you feel anxious. If it was a genuine surprise and you just turned up you'd have had no time to worry about it beforehand, which is what your husband thinks is happening. It's a shame you found out as you'll never know how you'd have felt if you turned up and didn't know about it - you actually might have loved having all the important people in your life in one room.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 17/10/2015 14:02

DH did this to me for my 40th
I have made it clear he is never to do it again
My anxiety took days to settle and I felt like a bitch for hating it but it was horrible

quietbatperson · 17/10/2015 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 17/10/2015 14:27

You need to drop heavy, heavy hints about how a surprise party would be horrendous and thank god he knows you better than that and you're really looking forward to a quiet evening together.

That's exactly what I'd do! Better this way rather than confronting him

noeffingidea · 17/10/2015 14:30

Why, another time ?
I just don't understand this attitude. It's your partner, why not tell him directly?

Bunbaker · 17/10/2015 14:41

Years ago we threw a surprise party for BIL who loved it. Afterwards OH said to me that he would hate a surprise party and if I organised one he would just walk out and go to the pub.

You need to put your foot down and either admit that you know and won't go or that you hope he hasn't organised one because you wouldn't go. When DD was a few weeks old there was no way I would have wanted to go to a party as I was breastfeeding and she cluster fed all evening.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 17/10/2015 14:42

noeffingidea I don't disagree and generally yes I'd talk to him straight but tbf if he had the nerve to do something like this a few weeks after i gave birth while he knew my insecurities , for me not to go insane and loose the plot, i d play it like I mentioned earlier.

Waltermittythesequel · 17/10/2015 14:51

He is just doing what he thinks is the right thing. Go out and get an outfit and your hair done, you will love it when the time comes am sure!

His feeling don't trump here, especially on her birthday!

It's so dismissive of your feelings, OP.And I actually think it's quite selfish.

How did you find out? I would either tell him I knew and he was to cancel it or I'd refuse to go along with whatever ruse he uses to get you out.

It doesn't matter what other people would like. It's not for you and that's fine.

diddl · 17/10/2015 15:06

Why does OP have to "suck it up"?

She's told herhusband what she would like to do & he thinks he knows better!

OP, is it definitely a party?

For example if I wanted a meal out with him & he also invited my mum, dad, sibling, niece & a ouple of friends I could put up with that.

Or a party of just them at ours or one of theirs iyswim.

Topseyt · 17/10/2015 17:30

I am not a party animal either, so I wouldn't like this even though I would appreciate that it had been done with the best of intentions. I will be 50 next summer, and I do hope that DH and the DDs will take my preferences into account (I believe they will).

I would prefer the quiet night at a restaurant, cinema etc. I hear the new James Bond film is worth seeing, or perhaps a long weekend away either as a family or just the two of us, but that is me.

It is full-on partying, being expected to make merry and being the centre of attention with lots of people around that would bother me. If DH organised a surprise meal out with just closest family (who I miss and also hardly ever see) then I would be fine with that. Not the full monty though, which it sounds like the OP's DH may be organising.

I think in the OP's position I would have to try and say that I had found out about it, and that whilst I appreciated the sentiments, I was absolutely bricking it at the idea of what was expected.

museumum · 17/10/2015 19:38

Honestly you will only be the centre of attention for about a minute. Maybe two. Then everyone will just get on with socialising and you can chat and mingle and relax.
If that's really really too much just tell dh you know and that he's to tell everyone it's just a normal party with no big "moment".

quietbatperson · 17/10/2015 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Busyworkingmum71 · 17/10/2015 20:11

I do feel for you OP, he probably thinks he is doing something nice but perhaps hasn't appreciated how you're feeling since giving birth, or thinks that you just need to get out a bit more - misguided I know but not uncommon.

I don't know how you've discovered about the party but is there someone (who will have been invited) who is close to you that you could confide in and ask them to steer him away from the idea of a big party - could you enjoy a smaller gathering of a few friends or close family for a nice meal out instead? You could keep quiet and let him organise that as a surprise (whilst being guided by your 'insider'), he then feels he has done something special for your birthday, and you get to do something nice without the fanfare of a party?

Hope you can work it out. Xx

Happy 40th btw Flowers and fwiw, I'm on the plus side of 40 now and it doesn't make a jot of difference (I still feel 17 inside!)

RaspberryOverload · 17/10/2015 21:33

Why are some posters still trying to peddle the "It'll be fine" line?

The OP has said she does NOT want a surprise party, and as it's her birthday, surely she gets the final say in what she wants?

I have issues with anxiety and hate being the centre of attention.

Did people miss ^^ this bit of the OP?

If there's ever a day when it should be "all about Me" then it should be a birthday.

DP knows damn well this would be a dealbreaker for me. But then, he'd hate this too.

NorbertDentressangle · 17/10/2015 21:50

After reading this thread I've just reminded DP and the DC that a surprise party would be my worst nightmare.

I have told them that before but felt it was worth reiterating!

Sazzle41 · 18/10/2015 00:11

I am same, have anxiety, parties make it worse , i hate being centre attention. I think you need to speak to him. Does he normally disregard your feelings because you sound like you need TLC and someone who will give you what makes you happy on your birthday, not what works for him. I would go as other posters say, do the i am so glad i dont have surprise party to worry about etc if you dont think he could hack outright i dont want a party. Then when you are calmer and if this disregard for your feelings is the norm, it needs addressing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/10/2015 02:05

You are not being selfish, by the way.

But you do have to tell your DH that you've found out and that you absolutely can't bear the thought of it. If he has any regard for your feelings at all, then he should understand and change the plans.

As a minor tangent, if there's one thing that really annoys me, it's tv shows/films that show someone saying "Oh I really don't want a party", then not getting one and throwing a strop about it. It just adds to the whole "you don't really mean it when you say no" attitude that people have; or the "oh you'll enjoy it when you get there" - No!
Some people might try to play those sort of mind games but most people, when they say they'd hate the idea, REALLY MEAN IT.
And it's hugely disrespectful to try and force someone to do something that they would hate just because you think they "don't really mean it, you'll enjoy it when you get there". Bollocks.

I know I've been a bit repetitive there but fuckit, people need to GET IT - it's NOT FUN if you hate being in the limelight, hate being the centre of attention, hate parties etc.

I had to have words with my sister about this kind of thing - my Dad and I are similar in our dislike for public displays of birthday stuff etc., but my sister and Mum both loved it. Sister was always buying huge balloons with dates on, trying to go to places like TGI Fridays and having the birthday cake and song (Oh God how I hate that) and my Dad loathed it. So the word was to say: "look, we get that you like it but Dad really doesn't and you're being really unkind to force him into that situation. You can't make people like what you like just because you think they should, it doesn't work that way".

More people could do with taking that message on board - luckily my sister did.

NameChange30 · 18/10/2015 02:45

Why on earth did he ask what you wanted to do and then plan the completely opposite?! He is stupid or selfish or both.

Tell him you've found out about the party and that it's making you feel sick. Ask why he planned it even though it's not what you wanted. Ask him to cancel it. If he's a decent partner, he will. If he refuses to cancel it, he'll only have himself to blame when you don't turn up. (You should book yourself a treat like a night in a spa hotel!)

kungpopanda · 18/10/2015 03:00

^ what anotherEmma said.

Why if you supposedly know and love someone do you do exactly the thing they would most hate? Either you're buying into some fantasy script shaped by the media - in which case feckin' well grow up - or, you want to be the wonderful person that arranged the 'wonderful party, and isn't so&so wonderful, and so&so's OH never knew a thing, you could tell, s/he could barely stand up in their shoes' - in which case you are an egotistical and vainglorious git.