To be utterly sick of this child.

[Singsongsungagain]

Long long story...
Dd1 has known a girl since they were at nursery together. They're now in year 4. This girl has repeatedly been horrible to her (stealing her shoes and throwing them across a field when she was on a swing/hitting her/kicking her/saying utterly vile things about her unborn sibling- just awful).
There was a big show down a while ago when we had spoken to the school and ended up speaking to the parents who were friends of ours. As a result the parents stopped speaking to us- told us their child was "angelic" and blamed our daughter for not wanting to play with her (I wonder why?!) and therefore emotionally damaging her.
After this things settled down, my child was left alone with her lovely friends who are every bit as kind as she is and wouldn't harm a fly.
Today, this child decided my daughter "had" to play with her. She literally dragged her by the arm away from her friends. My daughter said she daren't say no as she's scared of what she would do to her.

Now what? I've spoken to school loads of times. The parents think she's wonderful- despite actually witnessing some of her nastiness towards my child.

Half the issue is my daughter is too nice to her and doesn't stick up for herself but I don't want to change that or tell her to hit back- she's lovely and should be allowed to stay that way!
Ahhhhhhh!!!!

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It is an awful thing to be faced with.

If I were you I would 'helpfully' minute the meeting with the deputy head, so that it is in writing, summarising what your dd said, and email it in. That adds to your paper trail, and means that the Deputy Head can't 'forget' or minimise what was said. If you are expecting them to act on this information, you need to make sure it is written down and available to everyone, to show the length of time, the number of incidents, and the pattern of the bullying. I have found that conversations get forgotten or minimised or deliberately misunderstood. Letters (usually v effective, especially when others are copied in and the letter shows that) and emails work. Good luck.

That's a good idea. I'll do that over half term and email it in so that it's seen before my next conversation with them.

Have you got a copy of the school's complaints procedure?

I'd get that started as soon as you can, I think there should be timescales within that so things can't just drag on.

Have you got a copy of the bullying policy? Have you asked them what they are doing to implement it.

I think you are absolutely right to mention their safeguarding duty, and you need to keep stressing that as there is so much emphasis generally on that duty these days. For all that they might want to minimise the problem in school, they can't be seen to be dismissing a safeguarding issue. Ask who is the governor with responsibility for safeguarding and, if this isn't properly sorted out soon, go to that person and the council safeguarding team.

I haven't got a copy of it as such but the prospectus states you should first speak to the head then gives the number for the LEA. I'm really hoping that it doesn't have to go that far and that I can make them get it but we'll see.
Thanks all for your advice and support. I'll keep you posted

Every school has to have a bullying policy. It details how the school will address it.

Get a copy of the policy and go through it highlighting where they are failing to follow their own policy.

That can be the basis of your complaint to the governors and the LA.

Also, write a list of the events so far, including notes of all your conversations, in a timeline format so it is clear that you have dealt with it appropriately up until now and shared relevant information with the right people.

I've got the bullying policy. The issue is they are not accepting that it is bullying. Their policy states that the definition of bullying involves malicious intention- ie the intention to harm. They think when my child was getting kicked/hit/dragged/knocked to the floor/pushed off chairs/having pencils stuck in her ears etc etc it was all in play. The fact that it was always one sided doesn't seem to matter. If I can convince them it is bullying then the policy will kick in and I will be much happier.

My complaint will be centred around their unwillingness to acknowledge it as bullying.

Read this uk government definition of bullying. There is nothing about intent.

www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html

I've seen that before but it's from the US.

I would quote and link them to the definition of bullying. Also you need to write how the girls has repeatedly manipulated your DD in to saying it was play because she's too afraid of the consequences. Keep banging on about your DD being deeply upset with the constant bullying and manipulation

OP does the girl treat others as badly? There must be intent to hurt your DD I'm sure. An 8 year old has enough control over her body/mouth. It's not like she's 3!

Some children like this girl can appear sweetness and light to staff but to peers can be bloody awful

There shouldn't be the expectation that they all play together. The expectation should be that yes there are different friendship groups but everyone is polite to each other.

As I said earlier hitting etc isn't always bullying. My son who hits, isn't a bully. At that age if it isn't bullying then I would be pretty sure there is some form of sn which the school should be dealing with. Either way the school has a duty of care to your daughter.

Indeed. The girl has very few friends- I don't think that she has been physical towards others but she is bossy and manipulative to all. The others don't want to be her friend and so aren't. My daughter is, as far as I know, the only one who gets dragged and "made" to go with her. I suspect that my daughter's nature doesn't help and I am talking to her lots about how she can be stronger and more assertive. She's made herself an easy target by being more willing than most to tolerate it.

It is possible socially she may be 3 but the school shouldn't be passing it off as playing.

Follow up the meeting with an email of what was discussed and a deadline for further meeting etc
DO ask.for the complaints procedure ... even of you dont use it ... it gives you rights as a parent and schools time scales etc.

So obviously the school has a vested interest in not acknowledging it as bullying.

Along with the other things you are pursuing, have you considered speaking to the police community officer (that's what we call it here, not sure of the UK equivalent) to get their take on this child's behaviour. Perhaps they have some written materials or suggestions. Because honestly, if she were to be doing this to your child on the street I'm sure an officer would intervene, probably march the child home and have a 'discussion' with the parents. And if an adult were doing this, they'd be arrested!

As I mentioned before, it took an appearance with a lawyer and the implied threat of a lawsuit to get the school to take action. In our case it was played down as 'Oh, now, boys will be boys. You know they can be rough and tumble. Your son needs to toughen up'. DH nearly came unglued at that.

Good luck Singsong hope the school accept that this is clearly bullying and that your poor DD gets the support she needs and deserves

The school has a duty of care to the bully too - not to allow her to bully but to find out why she needs to bully/hurt others. It's not the sign of a happy child.

OK. If this is boisterous play and your DD is getting hurt, they still have a duty of care to protect her from harm

Therefore they need to either impose sanctions in order to change this dangerous behaviour or, if the child isn't capable of adapting her play to make it safer for others, they need to provide adult supervision at all times of the day specifically to ensure that she doesn't hurt the other children.

Whatever excuse they come up with for this behaviour, your child has been injured several times and is frightened of it happening again. However they would like to label the behaviour, they have a responsibility to stop it.

Ask them how they would respond if this child continually left bruises on teachers as a result of her playing exuberantly. You can bet your bottom dollar they wouldn't tolerate that.

OP. you've had some great advice from some very experienced and knowledgeable posters here. It sounds like you intend to do your utmost to do the right thing by your DD and sort this out.
However, a deputy head who is fully aware of the head-banging incident yet blithely talks about things 'getting difficult' later on clearly has her head in the sand. Best of luck getting them to do a total y-turn on their see-no-evil, hear-no-evil approach, but:
Your poor dd shouldn't have to deal with this at school. I pointed out that if I went to work and an adult hurt me I'd be pressing charges! Why should kids have to put up with it.
^ this with knobs on. I'd add that, as an adult, if we experience bullying in the workplace, we can at least exercise our free will and look for employment elsewhere. Your DD has no power to leave this damaging environment, and I would urge you not to keep waiting and pressing for the school to exercise their duty of care if it's still looking like they have no intention of doing so.
Best of luck.

Oops meant u-turn not y-turn!

Tbh I think you have given the school's leadership team more than enough opportunity to sort this out.

In your shoes I would be arranging a meeting with the governors, either Chair and/or govs responsible for safeguarding. I think the suggestion of a PP that you make a table of events is a great idea. At the same time I would be notifying the LEA of everything that has occured to date, and after the meeting with govs, follow up with an email to them, the leadership team & the LEA informing them that if you do not see a plan of action and clear results within a month you will be reporting to Ofsted.

The school seem to be under the impression that their current outstanding Ofsted rating makes them bulletproof.

It doesn't.

I agree. The first day back is my cut off. I intend speaking again to the head and if I'm not satisfied with the answers then the chair of governors will be contacted that day.

Honestly, if my daughter wasn't otherwise happy there I'd have moved her already but she has lots of lovely friends and doesn't want to move. If I have to I will but it will be absolutely the last resort after I've tried all else and failed.

If they continue to query intent, you can say their response is preposterous because the bully herself knows it is abusive behaviour since she tells your DD not to tell about it.

I would be very tempted to include the suggestion in any letters to the school that the bully may be dealing in her own life with someone who is treating her badly and telling her not to tell. The school has a duty of care to the bully too - not to allow her to bully but to find out why she needs to bully/hurt others. It's not the sign of a happy child. Yes indeed, ScoobyDoo.