To be utterly sick of this child.

[Singsongsungagain]

Long long story...
Dd1 has known a girl since they were at nursery together. They're now in year 4. This girl has repeatedly been horrible to her (stealing her shoes and throwing them across a field when she was on a swing/hitting her/kicking her/saying utterly vile things about her unborn sibling- just awful).
There was a big show down a while ago when we had spoken to the school and ended up speaking to the parents who were friends of ours. As a result the parents stopped speaking to us- told us their child was "angelic" and blamed our daughter for not wanting to play with her (I wonder why?!) and therefore emotionally damaging her.
After this things settled down, my child was left alone with her lovely friends who are every bit as kind as she is and wouldn't harm a fly.
Today, this child decided my daughter "had" to play with her. She literally dragged her by the arm away from her friends. My daughter said she daren't say no as she's scared of what she would do to her.

Now what? I've spoken to school loads of times. The parents think she's wonderful- despite actually witnessing some of her nastiness towards my child.

Half the issue is my daughter is too nice to her and doesn't stick up for herself but I don't want to change that or tell her to hit back- she's lovely and should be allowed to stay that way!
Ahhhhhhh!!!!

You need to follow procedure regardless of other parents position.

1. formal complaint to the govenors factually listing all the incidents to date including the wishing baby dead. Also including being told off/made to apologise to bully for shouting when attacked recently. Highlight the bullying is ongoing.

2. explain the problem is that the head is claiming there is no bulling and there for the bullying is not bring dealt with. The governors may wish to discuss the issue without govenor parent being present, so as not to bias the outcome. Ask how the governors are going to resolve the bullying and the heads failure to recognise bullying is taking place

3. link to some uk website about what bullying is and quote some official blurb describing what is considered to be bullying.

4. ensure you state somewhere that the school have a duty of care to your DD and are loco parentis in your absence.

5. tell them you will need to make a formal complaint to the LEA and OFSTED about the leadership of the school, if real strategies aren't put in place to end the persistent bullying

6. after the govenor meeting outcome, if necessary make a formal complaint to OFSTED and LEA and copy in the governors and the school

Your poor DD. Good advice below about keeping records and getting heavier with the school. Just wanted to say I know parents can be like this, it amazes me but they can. I adore my DD of course but I am willing to be told she has her faults!

She had a "frenemy" type friend who was doing things like this - being hurtful and mean, telling her she couldn't play with other friends. We had a playdate lined up with the girl (initiated by her mum) and DD wanted to cancel it, so I did. I didn't say anything about the girl herself, just that we needed to take a raincheck. I got an email back from the mum about how it couldn't be her little darling's fault, she was "so innocent" and "so sensitive and lovely to all her friends!" Errrrr right love. I couldn't believe it, it was so ridiculous, but this mum genuinely had to convince herself her DD was perfect. It's incredibly frustrating.

It's not your DD's fault but I think you're right to try to encourage her with the assertiveness as well. There will be people like this throughout life and it is important to learn you can say no to them and you don't have to be bossed around.

That doesn't mean it's her responsibility to stop this girl, it's the school's. But knowing you don't have to kowtow to bullies is a good attitude to help her learn. Keep telling her it is not OK, you are going to try to fix it and you're on her side.

The LEA will expect you to have gone through formal procedure.

There is a good chance the goveners will act appropriately (depending on who is on the board of course as they are sonetimes real nobs). If the governors act unfairly because they are swayed by the parent, that is a third issue on top of the bullying (first issue) and the head failing to recognise/deal with bullying (second issue)

Also if the school is a Cof E school, you could make a formal complaint to the dioceses. After the govenor meeting outcome of course.

Also you do need to point out in your letter to the governors that the parent of the child is a govenor, so that if the complaint is made to LEA is clear in black and white

Complain in this order. Link to government website

www.gov.uk/complain-about-school/state-schools

In your shoes I'd email the head/school and ask for the formal complaints procedure Monday morning

Also is it worth getting the problem logged with your GP if it's causing your DD deep anxiety and stress

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Bullying/Pages/Bullyingfacts.aspx

Interesting site about the complaints procedure

www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/what-to-do-if-the-school-doesn-t-resolve-the-bullying/

What is it with schools? It is so much easier to get the victim to change get their behaviour or just shut up about it rather than actually deal with the issue.

I had this throughout my childhood. I was always theasy one told to change rather than the bullies. My mum complained a few times but it just made the issue worse so I found other ways to deal with it. I internalised it. Didn't trust pepole. As a teenager I self harmed and ended up with depression.

Victim blaming and victim denial causes real problems for the victim - it really messed with my sense of reality. I knew what was right and what was wrong but was constantly given a different message because it was easier for the school (my mum didn't help this either - I was bullied for my size and her response was always that I could do with losing some weight. It never occurred to her that the weight wasn't the point; being overweight isn't a reason for people to be mean).

I am glad you are resolved to not let the school minimise this.

I know your DD is happy at the school, but this is unlikely to stop. My son is now at a very nurturing private school because he was the victim of this type of behaviour. Our sole choice of school after he moved on from infant school was going to be the same one as this child was going to and there was absolutely no way that i would allow my ds to be at school with him any longer. The mother of the other boy refused to admit that her child could behave in this way.

It is taking awhile, but his new school is helping him to be more vocal and assertive. Any incidents are nipped in the bud quickly.

It is most unlikely that this is the first case of bullying at the school. Perhaps the fact that they have NO record of any bullying or how they dealt with it might flag this up as suspect with the local authority (or whoever is next in line in education issues). (assuming this is the case)

The thing is, my daughter when not being hurt is a happy little thing. She loves her friends and enjoys school. She would be friends with everyone- she's said she'd be friends with the bully if she stopped hurting her.

The school seem to want to play a game whereby everyone's all friends together here. The deputy even started telling me that "when children are in year r and year 1 they usually all get on and as they get older it gets harder". I had to remind her that when my child was in year r we were called in because this bully had pushed our dd's head into a wall. She stopped talking at that point (she was well aware of this happening as she was the class teacher at the time).

I hate that thing where school insist everyone is friends. It's all well and good to insist on respectful behaviour, but NOT that you have to be friends with or play with people who hurt you. That's a terrible message.

I would make a grid, landscape - 4 columns:
Date. Incident. School's response. Impact.

Create a timeline of what has happened. Then put in the grid your interventions (phone calls, emails, meetings - what happened and the outcome.). Also include photos if you can. Can you get your child to keep a diary of what is going on?

Once you have this clear in your mind I would ask the school for a final meeting to see what can be resolved before you seek legal assistance. You need to do your very best (hard though this is) to be clinical and emotionless about it. Their response has not been satisfactory; your child is distressed and frightened and you want this sorted.

Wishing you lots of luck. As a teacher I have dealt with quite a few bullying issues. I have made it my absolute mission that I have followed up to the nth degree any complaints so that there is no repetition of it. The girl and her parents sound really unpleasant.

Op I'm so angry on your behalf! My ds had the same issue with a boy in his school. They were in reception upto yr1 together but this boy constantly hurt ds. He was autistic and to be fair to his parents they were good and the main issue was he got jealous if my ds wanted to play with anyone else. It was a viscous circle of they'd play then my ds would play with others so the boy would lash out and my ds didn't want to play with him. My ds actually liked him but couldn't deal with his problems which he shouldn't have to! We spoke to the school a lot and they did put steps in place but one term he hurt him first day back so I went straight in to spk to the headmistress and she took it very seriously. They actually dealt with the boys problems which helped both of them. His mother had said for ages he shouldn't play out as it was too much for him. They put him in a nurture group and changed their classes and my ds hasn't mentioned anything since.
I'd definately make a list of everything that has happened and take it further. Your poor dd shouldn't have to deal with this at school. I pointed out that if I went to work and an adult hurt me I'd be pressing charges! Why should kids have to put up with it.

vicious circle lol! I've just woke up, forgive me!

I was physically bullied like this in primary school by one girl. I remember regularly being cornered in a toilet cubicle and kicked by her. It was absolutely terrifying. I was also badly bullied in secondary school.

Looking back I have always wished that I had hit back. I think it would have made a world of difference to my self-esteem. I don't believe that if your daughter gives this girl a shove or shouts at her to back off that she will stop being lovely, she might start feeling empowered?

Im sorry your Dd is going through this. My DD was the same, also had an angelic bully ... who three years in has been expelled. (High school) shame ... it started in year four. DD confidence was on the floor, the teachers couldnt deal with it, and unless you see the effect it has on not only the child but the whole familly, the tears, the refusing school,not sleeping constantly worried, im not surprised kids go on to self harm, anorexia, or simular MH issues. Its that serious. I wished id moved her. I wish schools had proper training, understanding.
Fight for her. She should be happy at school.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your DD. I know you don't want to move her as her school is "outstanding", but to me this does not sound like an outstanding school. If you do have to go through the full complaints procedure, it will no doubt loose its outstanding status anyway. I would move her - it sounds like she will make new friends easily anyway.

The complaints procedure is an interesting read for any parent, and should be freely available. Its like a parental rights guide.

Have you got a copy of the school's anti bullying policy? It should be on the school website. It should set out how they will deal with any alleged bullying and the way it is worded may help you. If you want pm me a link to the policy. I'm the anti bullying lead at our school and like posters have said up thread any school who says they don't have bullying are deluded.

OP, we experienced something like this. My DD was bullied in primary school by one girl, not physically though. It got to the point where my DD was suffering from terrible IBS which the hospital consultant said was due to stress, as there was nothing wrong that they could find.

The school didn't want to know, the bully seemed very sweet and angelic in front of the teachers, but was manipulative and spiteful. Nothing was ever done, and I'm sure it didn't help us that her father was also a headteacher (in a different school) and one of the governors of DD's school. In hindsight I wish I'd made a lot more fuss.

We moved DD at the beginning of secondary school. She started loving school again and the IBS stopped.

I've heard that the other girl is still a bully, and still getting away with it.

I hope this gets sorted for you. Your DD should not have to move schools. I've never heard of the bully being forced to move though, sadly it always seems to be the one who is bullied that ends up moving.

I think all schools should have an anti bullying person, who deal with all.incidents so there is a clear picture. Worth asking for.

There is normally a deputy head for pastoral. But in large schools they need heads of year for that as well.

the bully seemed very sweet and angelic in front of the teachers

I wonder if this is the problem here too. It certainly was for us.

The girl who made my DD's life hell for two years was a very pretty, charismatic, little blonde girl who has a slight lisp and a very sweet voice. It was hard for me to picture her doing the things she did when the teachers' backs were turned but she most certainly did do them.

The school kept saying they would deal with it but never did.

Eventually, they both moved onto the next school and the head teacher there dealt with it swiftly and effectively. It turned out that the first school had mentioned it in passing to the parent just the once. They had said at a parents evening that she didn't suffer fools gladly. The parents took this as a compliment to their DD, i.e. she wasn't a fool and was therefore superior to her classmates.

I wish I had made the sort of fuss you are making now, OP. It could have saved my DD a lot of trauma.

The steps I have asked to be put in place are to ensure that my daughter has minimal contact with the girl and that all staff are made fully aware of the situation. That's why them accepting it is bullying is so important because then, according to their policy which I have read, they will monitor the behaviour, keep a log of it and ensure all staff are briefed as well as parents. At the moment they continue to deal with each incident in isolation.
The meeting with the deputy was at the end of the day just before they broke up. I could see from her expression when my daughter was talking that she was perhaps a bit surprised at the extent of it and that is directly a result of their unwillingness to log things. My daughter didn't tell them anything new at all- just repeated the history and her feelings with me next to her so that she felt confident enough to tell it how it is.
It seems that when she is spoken to alone by the head she tends to downplay it a bit. This is partly because the bully has told her not to tell (and has hurt her in the past when she has told) and partly because she is scared she will be told off for being mean (and she has been told off for not playing with this girl). They ask questions like "do you want to play with her?" and she replies "sometimes". They take that as read rather than digging deeper and finding out that "sometimes" means "when she's not hurting me". With me asking the extra questions she gave the fullest versions of the answers possible and I think hope that may have helped them to get it. I will ask them what they plan to do now they have the full information straight after half term and I will give them a chance to do it before taking the huge step of looking elsewhere.
It is so important that staff in schools ask the right questions of the victims of bullying. The bully had told my daughter that she had to say it was a game when she was charged at and knocked over. Of course my daughter did as she was instructed- she was scared of the consequences of not doing. I discussed this with her in front of the deputy, asking her who decided who the runner was and who had to stand there, was there a plan to change roles, does the game have a name (the kids name all their games at that school- they're obsessed with it!!), have you ever played it before, have you ever seen anyone else play it?? You can imagine what the answers were. Again the deputy was silent.