To not want to ask BIL and SIL to take care of DD because of their views on WOHM?

[RevoltingPeasant]

DH and I are making our wills and at the same time, we thought we should discuss what would happen to DD if neither of us was around to take care of her. Pretty remote contingency as we are in our mid 30s and fairly healthy, but seems sensible to have a plan!

I want to ask my mum. She is 67, very fit, has a large house and is comfortably off. She was also a great mum to 4 kids. I realise it would be a massive ask, but it would only be in the very extreme situation of us both dying, so I don't think it is hugely entitled. Plus if she got frail as she got older we could review the request.

DH would prefer to ask BIL (his brother) and SIL. They are early 30s, finished having DC and BIL has a good job as a manager. In that case DD would grow up with her cousins.

I am not keen because I think they both, SIL particularly, have quite sexist views. SIL is very nice but we have different values. She thinks it is wrong for mums to work unless they are absolutely on the breadline. Before we had DD, she would often make comments about a friend of hers who happens to work in the same profession I do: "she leaves her DC in nursery for 12 hours a day...I don't know why they went through IVF just to leave them like that...I could never do that" etc.

When DH and I got married she assumed I would change my name. When we had DD she assumed I would quit work, "or at least take a couple of years out, just till she's in school". To her credit, she immediately shut up when she realised I was making different choices. She does not bang on. But from these and other comments, I gather she believes all women should give up work to look after their DC.

I don't judge her but her decisions are not ones I'd make myself. I don't want my daughter raised in an environment where her ultimate destiny is automatically regarded as marriage and babies. AIBU?

At one point DD and DS had my parents and their aunt (my exSiL) as joint guardians. DD asked me when she was about 6 what would happen to them if I died and I said she would probably live with auntie but spend holidays with nana and grandad. 'Ok, it would be good if you were dead' was the response. Bless.

If she doesn't bang on about it though she obviously now respects your views are different.
I think whoever you asked should the unfortunate happen would have different views to you though on some things.
FWIW I worried about this with my dd, I'm a sahm and didn't want her to think that there was a right or wrong view on mothers working.
I think they find their own way and even at 11 she has no plans to be a sahm ever and is very ambitious.
Sometimes they look at what you do, so in this case your sil and do the opposite.

Definitely go with your dm if your dh will agree. You can change it at any time and as often as required if you need to as circumstances change. We've had the same conversation, I wanted my Mum who is still in her early 50s and dh wanted his sister. However for almost entirely opposite reasons (she works in London and often doesn't see her own dc from mon-fri, I'm a sahm) plus she lives in an entirely different part of the country and figured if my children were suddenly orphaned it would be tough to move house and school too. You have to be comfortable with your decision.

Missy that's something my dd would say!

Please don't ask your mum. As much as she loves your DD, it would be unbearably cruel for an orphaned child to be put in a situation where they form an attachment to a new primary carer who realistically is likely to pass away before their mid-teens. If the worst were to happen, I think your daughter would be better served living with young 'parents' and cousins who will provide as normal a family environment for her as possible.

Also, whatever about the stereotyping of girls, which is certainly undesirable, I really don't agree that your SIL's views on WOHMs make her sexist, or misogynist, or even unambitious. I had a fairly high-flying professional job before my daughter was born; if you were to read my CV I would probably come across as extremely ambitious. My choice to stay home with my DD doesn't make me sexist, or anti feminist, or any less ambitious for me or her. I just think it's what's best for her in her early years.

Isn't it more important to have people who teach you to dream?

While your DD is tiny, the most important consideration is that her new carer at such a traumatic time would be a constant caring presence in her life and comfortable with caring for small children. Your DD would have a lot of healing and adjustment to do. That comes way higher up the list than someone's views on working mothers. Your SIL is much better geared up to offer the nurturing your DD would need than someone who has no children and is very career orientated.

As she gets older, perhaps those priorities would change, your sister may have children of her own and it might make sense to ask her to take her should the worst happen.

Agree you are missing the point. The question is not what IL's views are (most children grow up with different views to their parents in any event) but whether they will be love your DCs - slightly different values is not the end of the world so long as they broadly agree with you and your DH. FWIW I would say that the fact she respects your decision to work says that there is something good about her and she is open to changing her mind.

We have sil and bil down as legal guardians. We don't agree with them on some things which are pretty important to us but at the end of the day I'd rather ds was with them rather than my ds who is very, very difficult and who lives the other side of the globe.

You could always go with sil and bil now and change your guardianship wishes at a later point.

My parents said they would be happy to take ds too but they also live on the other side of the world and while in good health now, they are getting on.

It's a really hard decision and we considered good friends and godparents too but virtually all of these are single and don't intend to have kids. So sil and bil are the best choice (even though sil doesn't like me she does love ds).
Our legal executor knows our wishes regarding schooling and upbringing too.

Don't know why you wouldn't just put your sister down now. It's not as if, should you and your DH both unexpectedly die tomorrow, she'd say 'Well, if this had happened in a year's time when I had a house bought, I'd take DD like a shot, but it's just too inconvenient right now'.

Have you asked your DM her opinion? Looking after dgc occasionally is lovely. Doing so full time is not something most 70 year olds would be thrilled about.

Whoever you ask should be someone who would not find the role of guardian too much from a physical, mental or financial perspective.

I asked SIL but will probably have to revisit that now we have a second dc as she finds dcs quite stressful and has decided against having a second of her own. Having two extra thrust upon her would probably be an ask too far.