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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to ask BIL and SIL to take care of DD because of their views on WOHM?

85 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 16:23

DH and I are making our wills and at the same time, we thought we should discuss what would happen to DD if neither of us was around to take care of her. Pretty remote contingency as we are in our mid 30s and fairly healthy, but seems sensible to have a plan!

I want to ask my mum. She is 67, very fit, has a large house and is comfortably off. She was also a great mum to 4 kids. I realise it would be a massive ask, but it would only be in the very extreme situation of us both dying, so I don't think it is hugely entitled. Plus if she got frail as she got older we could review the request.

DH would prefer to ask BIL (his brother) and SIL. They are early 30s, finished having DC and BIL has a good job as a manager. In that case DD would grow up with her cousins.

I am not keen because I think they both, SIL particularly, have quite sexist views. SIL is very nice but we have different values. She thinks it is wrong for mums to work unless they are absolutely on the breadline. Before we had DD, she would often make comments about a friend of hers who happens to work in the same profession I do: "she leaves her DC in nursery for 12 hours a day...I don't know why they went through IVF just to leave them like that...I could never do that" etc.

When DH and I got married she assumed I would change my name. When we had DD she assumed I would quit work, "or at least take a couple of years out, just till she's in school". To her credit, she immediately shut up when she realised I was making different choices. She does not bang on. But from these and other comments, I gather she believes all women should give up work to look after their DC.

I don't judge her but her decisions are not ones I'd make myself. I don't want my daughter raised in an environment where her ultimate destiny is automatically regarded as marriage and babies. AIBU?

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 16/10/2015 16:26

YANBU. Go with the person or people who would parent like you do.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 16/10/2015 16:29

YANBU on her views being not the ones you want to be taught to your DD.

But this could be a big thing to ask and ageing woman.

herderofcats · 16/10/2015 16:31

How old is dd now?

hesterton · 16/10/2015 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 16:37

DD is only 8.5 mos.

Yeah I know it is a big ask of DM. My own sister will probably get married and try for a family in the next 3-4 years so it was in my mind to ask DM for,now and then if/when DSis is settled, transfer the request to her.

We are talking about it now as I am about to go for major surgery and of course there is always that slim chance that DD might be left with only her dad after that.....! Unlikely of course, but it makes you think Confused

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 16/10/2015 16:39

I'd go with your mum and change if her circumstances change.

You want the person to have your ideals and morals, if your mums the closest fit to that it makes sense.

brokenhearted55a · 16/10/2015 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Preminstreltension · 16/10/2015 16:41

Honestly I think you're overthinking this. In a scenario where both of her parents are dead, your DD would need love and care and support during a desolate time. It won't really matter about people's political views or their views on marriage or whatever.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 16/10/2015 16:43

What you do is appoint more than one guardian, and request in the will that they decide between them who is the best person to care for the children - which may not be the guardians personally. So if you appoint your mum and your BIL, they may decide between them that your sister is the best person to care for them.

That's what we did as DH and I couldn't agree either.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 16/10/2015 16:44

I'd just go with your sister now OP.

Bearing in mind your mum will be 80 when your DD becomes a teenager, I think it's unrealistic to expect her to take on a child.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 16:44

hes actually SIl and BIL live in a very rural area a coule of hundred miles away from DM. I'm sure she would make lots of effort to see DD but I doubt she'd see her face to face more than a few times a year.

It is other things, too. SIL is very "girly" in the traditional sense of being averse to exercise - eg she does not like cycling, getting her face wet etc. she is raising her DDs the same way, so that her eldest is currently having a major trauma about having to go,swimming with school (she is 8) as she is scared to put her face in the water. Or, her DD will not go for a country walk "in case they get their white shoes muddy".

It's a bit hard to describe but this not like some "policy" that SIL has. It's more just the way she is. I wouldn't know,how to say, "please make sure that DD is given opportunities, encouraged to run around and get messy and encouraged to confront her fears" as it is just not the way they do,things.

I also do find it quite sexist as BIL is very active and I am pretty sure if they had primary aged boys not girls, they would not be sitting inside refusing to play out for worrying about spoiling their nice clothes!

That probably sounds dreadfully judgmental. I'd never breathe this IRL not even to DH. But it makes me sad to think of my sparky little daughter being raised that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 16:47

broken I don't think they become parrots but I do think parents and guardians shape your views quite fundamentally. Mostly, anyhow. Mine certainly did.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 16/10/2015 16:50

Yabu! In the unlikely but horrendous circumstances of your dd being orphaned, I would have thought that it would be beneficial for her to have a regular full time care giver rather than being put in childcare. What's more important? That or some bizarre feminist principle?

TeenAndTween · 16/10/2015 16:51

Your mum will be 80 when your DD is a teen, so I can't see her looking after your DD as sustainable. One permanent move would be better than being moved from pillar to post.

Who would give good emotional support at a time of loss and ongoing?
Who would be able to maintain links with the 'other' side of the family?
Who would have the time and energy to support her in education and hobbies?

If all you have against SIL is her views on working Mums, then I don't think that's enough to rule her out.

TeenAndTween · 16/10/2015 16:52

xpost with your longer response.

It doesn't have to be immediate family you know. Could be a close friend or cousin.

laundryeverywhere · 16/10/2015 16:54

I think it is a remote possibility so don't stress over it. Whoever you ask won't be the same as if you do it yourself. The most important thing is that she is loved and cared for, so whoever is best able to do that is the one you want. But it is really not something to lose sleep over.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 16:55

babe why would the alternative be childcare? Confused it would be my mum or sis.

teen that is it, I don't think SIL would particularly support her if she wanted to do something non-traditional with her life. Eg she will not take her own Dd swimming. I guess I juts feel more generally that she has quite narrow horizons and that's not something I want for DD.

OP posts:
VegasIsBest · 16/10/2015 16:55

This is an absolute last resort issue that will hopefully never be needed. Best to go with younger people who could be a real family to your DD if something did happen. The most important question to ask yourself is would your BIL and SIL love your daughter and do their best to give her a normal childhood if this was ever needed. If the answer is yes, then go for them. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 16:57

laundry :) I am not losing sleep over it as such, we just decided to ask someone before my surgery. Obviously unlikely anything will happen but you never know!! Then it turned out we had very different views on the matter so I turned to AIBU, as you do!

OP posts:
scarlets · 16/10/2015 16:57

Your mum is a little too old I think. Total responsibility for a primary school child at 75 is pretty tough, even with support from your sister and friends.

Your daughter won't necessarily adopt her primary carer's views, whoever that person may be.

formerbabe · 16/10/2015 16:58

Would you prefer an orphaned child to be put into an after school club or other form of childcare rather than being cared for at home by one consistent family member just to set what you consider a good feminist example?

I lost my mother when I was young and I'm now a sahm...I find your comments extremely judgmental.

hackmum · 16/10/2015 16:58

It depends, I think, on who you feel comfortable with. If you knew you were going to die, would it give you a nice warm feeling to know they were being cared for by your mum, or by your BIL and SIL?

In our wills, my DP and I said that we would want DD to be brought up by my best friend and her husband. They're both lovely people and would make a good job of it.

Original poster
RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 17:01

formerbabe but why do,you think that would happen? That is not what is being suggested. If my DM did it - though I see what Pp say about her age and am rethinking that one - then she would be a consistent family member. Why would DD be in after school club in that case?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 16/10/2015 17:01

babe why would the alternative be childcare? confused it would be my mum or sis

Sorry I only just saw this part!

ForChina · 16/10/2015 17:02

Just choose whoever would love her the most. It's really simple.

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