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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to ask BIL and SIL to take care of DD because of their views on WOHM?

85 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 16:23

DH and I are making our wills and at the same time, we thought we should discuss what would happen to DD if neither of us was around to take care of her. Pretty remote contingency as we are in our mid 30s and fairly healthy, but seems sensible to have a plan!

I want to ask my mum. She is 67, very fit, has a large house and is comfortably off. She was also a great mum to 4 kids. I realise it would be a massive ask, but it would only be in the very extreme situation of us both dying, so I don't think it is hugely entitled. Plus if she got frail as she got older we could review the request.

DH would prefer to ask BIL (his brother) and SIL. They are early 30s, finished having DC and BIL has a good job as a manager. In that case DD would grow up with her cousins.

I am not keen because I think they both, SIL particularly, have quite sexist views. SIL is very nice but we have different values. She thinks it is wrong for mums to work unless they are absolutely on the breadline. Before we had DD, she would often make comments about a friend of hers who happens to work in the same profession I do: "she leaves her DC in nursery for 12 hours a day...I don't know why they went through IVF just to leave them like that...I could never do that" etc.

When DH and I got married she assumed I would change my name. When we had DD she assumed I would quit work, "or at least take a couple of years out, just till she's in school". To her credit, she immediately shut up when she realised I was making different choices. She does not bang on. But from these and other comments, I gather she believes all women should give up work to look after their DC.

I don't judge her but her decisions are not ones I'd make myself. I don't want my daughter raised in an environment where her ultimate destiny is automatically regarded as marriage and babies. AIBU?

OP posts:

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 18:29

she leaves her DC in nursery for 12 hours a day..

I think most people would raise an eyebrow at a baby in nursery 12 hours a day!

Leavingsosoon · 16/10/2015 18:29

Why would they Brioche?

ScarletRuby · 16/10/2015 18:30

YANBU in the slightest. I wouldn't want anyone so misogynistic to bring up a child of mine. Your mum and then your sister sound like a good plan.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 16/10/2015 18:32

If your DD is orphaned she will need a lot of emotional support and having your SIL consistently there might really help her emotionally. I hate the idea of no mud and no sport, however if your SIL has the capacity to really love the child it counts for a lot. If it's likely your SIL will return to work once the kids are at school, then she will be modelling 'working motherhood' which you want your DD to aspire to.

Put your Sister down as main carer if that's who you feel most comfortable about long term. Your mum is too old

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2015 18:33

Because it's a very long time Leavingsosoon. More than an average adult even spends at work.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 16/10/2015 18:34

I would definitely raise an eyebrow at a baby being in nursery for 12 hours while both mother and father work

ScarletRuby · 16/10/2015 18:35

Some people wouldn't be so judgemental @minimalist*

Original poster

RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 18:36

TripTrap I don't see where I said anything about things being "against feminism"! Don't think I've even used the word. I said SIL and I are different. She has a real aversion to physical exercise (eg, riding bikes, walks, swimming) and she is passing that on to her DD such that they have started to say they don't want to walk on muddy paths or go swimming either. I thnk that is sad in primary aged children. It is just one example of,how we parent differently.

I'm sure SIL thinks it's sad that DD is "made" to go to swimming lessons and FT nursery!

Also obviously her friend doesn't leave her Dc in nursery for 12 hours a day. I don't even know any nurseries open that long. That is SIL exaggerated idea of what being in FT nursery means.

It is interfering yo see how many people have had similar dilemmas. I am trying to come to some consensus with DH prior to asking people though, as of course they might well refuse, but I can hardly ask someone and then say "actually no, we don't want you after all".

I think multiple people and/ or asking my DM to decide are interestimng. Thanks for those ideas.

OP posts:

stillhereafteralltheseyears · 16/10/2015 18:37

I had exactly the same issues with inlaws and opted to ask Godparents as they knew our views on the things which we felt important.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/10/2015 18:38

You can't leave your daughter to be parented by sexists if both her parents die.

Pick your sister. Or a non-sexist friend.

Not someone who will raise your daughter to think you were a bad mother for working.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 16/10/2015 18:43

I think you're totally missing the point and haven't thought about it other than superficially.

If your DD is orphaned the one thing she will need much, much more than anything else is a loving, stable home with parents who would treat her as one of their own.

Your now 67 yo mother absolutely is not the person to provide this. What on earth would you be thinking? Getting your DD attached to an increasingly elderly woman who will likely pass away while DD is still a young woman?

Your DSis is also not the correct person; she doesn't have a partner yet, what if he is somebody who absolutely would not treat your DD as his own? And why would you saddle your young unmarried sister with a child, to the detriment of her getting on with her life?

I think if you're going to do this, you need to do it properly. Really think it through. It's an awful process to go through and requires a lot of thought and discussion between all parties involved. You may well find that the answer is that it will all be sorted out amongst your hopefully loving family appropriately. After all, you won't be around to witness it...

Brioche201 · 16/10/2015 18:48

If your mum dies or can't look after your DD anymore, you would have NO say in who she went to

MrsBartlettforthewin · 16/10/2015 18:49

why don't you ask your DSis? You'd probably be more comfortable with her on the will. My Dbro is the guardian for our kids if anything happens to us, he's not settled as in married etc. but we know that he would bring the kids up in a similar way to us.

Leavingsosoon · 16/10/2015 19:25

Plenty of people have to work 12 hour shifts. Especially if you include commuting times.

TooManyMochas · 16/10/2015 19:41

She has a real aversion to physical exercise

Shrug. Seriously? Does that really matter in the great scheme of things.

squidgyapple · 16/10/2015 19:44

OP, we are in the same boat in not being able to decide who would be best to have our DCs if anything were to happen.

SIL happily admits that she doesn't much like other people's children (and SIL/BIL have v different views to us), the grandparents are too elderly really and closest friends are too stressed with their own children, never mind 2 more on top. Hence we haven't sorted out anything.
Our DCs are a lot older than your DD and hopefully at least one of us will be around until they are both adults!

Original poster

RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 19:50

Sushi DSis does have a partner. They are not married yet but likely to do so soon IMO and they want dc. DSis is concentrating on her career for now but I believe she will soon land a good position as she has been shortlisted for a couple of things and I know she is well regarded in her area.

You are right I haven't thought it through - thsts what this thread is for :)

I am torn between thinking DD would have a loving stable childhood with SIL and thinking how much I as a child would have resented being around people who thought being a girl meant keeping nice and neat, and not being too ambitious. I just don't know. Isn't it more important to have people who teach you to dream?

OP posts:

Littlecaf · 16/10/2015 19:50

I sympathise OP.

My DM & DP have the closest values to mine to raise our DS if we carked it. But they are 70. It's not fair on them to ask them to do so. There are many things they just wouldn't be physically able to do in a few years time.

My DSil & BIL are materialistic. Lovely people whom I enjoy spending time with, but they have the big house with the big car and BIL has gone for the money career rather than social values or enjoyment. They don't do outdoors either. But both their children are lovely, kind and well rounded. They are bright and sociable and well behaved. They enjoy lots of other activities other than playing outside including musical instruments, cooking, painting etc. They will both go to Uni and are both ambitious and the family has a wide range of friends from all walks of life. We have chosen them as we looked as the bigger picture rather than one aspect of their lifestyle.

Maryz · 16/10/2015 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CPtart · 16/10/2015 19:59

I can't imagine your DM would want that responsibility 24/7 in her late 60's/70's. And who could blame her. I think you'd be quite unreasonable to expect it of her tbh. However, would your SIL be prepared to take your DD on either? What actually happens in situations where no-one is agreeable.?
I may be selfish and I love my nephews, but would baulk at taking on full time responsibility for them if anything happened to SIL.

Maryz · 16/10/2015 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

RevoltingPeasant · 16/10/2015 20:05

CP no idea! SIL might tell us to eff off except she never swears

Mary I think that is emerging as the most sensible plan, and one I hadn't thought of myself so glad I started this thread! Thanks to all who suggested similar.

OP posts:

TattieHowkerz · 16/10/2015 20:11

Your Mum is too old. It would be devastating to lose parents, and then your main carer, all in childhood. Which is perfectly possible in this (thankfully highly unlikely) situation of your Mum taking on DD. Just go straight for your sister now if she is willing and you don feel comfortable with your ILs.

I'm a WOHM and I do agree with your sister in law that 12 hours per day nursery is too much for a baby! Though I suspect she is exaggerating for effect.

missymayhemsmum · 16/10/2015 20:14

I'm not sure that thinking that it's a good idea for parents who can to take a career break when kids are small makes your SiL a terrible sexist, it probably means that she and your BiL would prioritise being great guardians should the need arise. I'd be more worried if BiL and SiL were very sexist in their parenting- Only girls help with housework, only boys do sport etc?
You can appoint multiple guardians and review arrangements- at the moment it might be best if DD went to your mum, but at 67 she needs a back up plan. You could arrange that (for instance) she lives with BiL and SiL but that your mum and Dsis share parental responsibility, and maybe rope in your feminist best friend as well to provide some subversion.

summerainbow · 16/10/2015 20:18

When my kids were ex and I had this debate. We pick out one BIL and SIL but before we got round to asking them the got divorce.
So we never did any thing .
Parents were out in both cases . So I dicided that I would leave anything kid relate to my sisters and the ex would the same with his siblings as you don't what stage of life they will be in when the worst happens. We never did do though. I would never name an inlaw as every other marriage ends in divorce.

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