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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to kneecap people when they say "Oh, she will HATE it one day" when they are talking about DD's hair right in front of her?

135 replies

EmMcK · 16/10/2015 01:09

DD has red ringlets. They are amazing. Below shoulder length, deep auburn with burnished lighter ones on top. We cannot leave the house without someone stopping to comment on them.
On the whole people are lovely, but a fair few also say "what amazing hair but she'll hate it one day won't she". I do rictus smile and say that I hope not/think not, but AIBU to want to whip out a softball bat and take out their knees* for making her question whether her hair, which is already a distinguishing factor, is also something to hate.
*Having never kneecapped anyone, I am also not sure that this is the correct technique.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 16/10/2015 08:06

YANBU

Her hair is probably the most beautiful toddler hair I have ever seen!

however I can see two reasons why people would say it

  • curly hair can be really hard work, adult friends with curly hair curse the effort it takes to keeps it tip top plus the difficulty in changing style. Not my view but I've heard the moans many times.
  • DSS has beautiful auburn hair.... but hates the colour. Has since he was a teen (now 30). I've never known anyone hate their hair colour as much as him.

But it is totally unreasonable for anyone to say this in front of your daughter and place any seeds in her mind & I hope that she doesn't grow up to feel either of those issues and appreciates the beauty of her lovely locks.

Jaxsbum · 16/10/2015 08:11

her hair is beautiful

Original poster
EmMcK · 16/10/2015 08:11

Brilliant Occams!
And Catsize, DS2 is 6 and had the same colour hair but straight. DS1 has the curls but his hair is brown. Neither my husband or I have redhair so I was amazed when we had DS then thought we had struck the jackpot with the curls and the colour in DD. I don't know when the hair stroking will stop.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 16/10/2015 08:12

YANBU* gingerism is the last 'allowed' prejudice. Many people take all the cultural and race hate thoughts they have and express them as anti ginger as though expressing all that bile against a hair colour is okay.

*obviously YWBU to actually go through with the knee-capping

Original poster
EmMcK · 16/10/2015 08:13

It's is the saying it in front of her that staggers me Chewbacca, thank you. It would never occur to me to criticise a child over some aspect of their body.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 16/10/2015 08:20

Wow! Her hair is incredible! If I was going to make a follow up comment it would be that it reminds me of Merida from Brave, and I hope your daughter is as awesome as she is.

But I'd probably just say it was beautiful!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/10/2015 08:25

"gingerism is the last 'allowed' prejudice."

I know what you're saying Gnome - but it shouldn't be allowed. It should be stomped all over just as much as other types of prejudice, because it is ridiculous that it is "allowed" to continue - it hurts people, people get bullied for it, they are shouted at in the street, sometimes beaten up for it - it's UNACCEPTABLE.

Crabbitface · 16/10/2015 08:30

YANBU

Honestly some people have a weird reaction to red hair. I am from a long line of red heads and my DC have inherited it (thankfully). I have always LOVED my hair. It was the only part of myself that I have never hated. I would have been disappointed if my kids didn't have red hair too.

BUT we have had our fair share of comments....including an American couple peering into our son's buggy and saying to my husband (mousy brown hair) "Oh what a shame he didn't get your colouring" EH????

ohtheholidays · 16/10/2015 08:30

They are all jealous her hair is Amazing! Your DD looks like the princess out of Brave.Smile

MammaTJ · 16/10/2015 08:32

OMG! That hair is gorgeous!! I don't think I'd be able to resist touching it or patting her on the head.

Please do resist. It is an invasion of body space and I hated it as a child. Where most people enjoy a good pampering at the hairdressers, I am unable to bring myself to go. I cut and colour my own red hair, all because of the adults who could not resist patting me on the head.

OP, her hair is beautiful! My DD2's hair is that colour but dead straight! I do not allow people to touch her head!

Crabbitface · 16/10/2015 08:32

And also why can't see her gorgebags hair like everyone else. I wanna see Merida too!!

Crabbitface · 16/10/2015 08:38

Ahhh saw it - AMAZING hair. Hopefully she'll be just like my niece who asked at the age of 7 if she was famous because people keep wanting to talk to her about her hair...haaa...! No self-esteem issues in this family haaa!

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 16/10/2015 08:39

Her hair is glorious! Nobody should make negative comments in front of a child about their appearance or anything else.

I have very curly hair though, and have hated it since I was a child. The amount of money I've spent on blow-dries, permanent straightening treatments, trying to 'embrace the curl' but failing, would sink a battleship. My own personal curls are a pain in the rear end.

My boys both have a headful of curls which are constantly commented on (positively), they get embarrassed by it.

Fluffyears · 16/10/2015 08:41

Absolutely gorgeous I'm so jealous I have poker straight fine hair that doesn't curl (they fall out quickly) and always wanted curls. She's not ginger though she's more auburn and it will get darker so she'll have the most amazing colour and hopefully keep those curls.

MrsMook · 16/10/2015 08:43

I love red curly hair and have a secret desire for my hair to be like that (I'm obviously in total ignorance about the practicalities of keeping curls looking their best)

Original poster
EmMcK · 16/10/2015 08:46

She spent the morning with my sister the other day, and my sister said to me that DD would think that it was entirely socially acceptable for people to comment on others. I am kind of used to the comments, I just get riled by the pointless meanness.
She totally is Merida - she could take down any bear. Third child and all, it's in their nature.

OP posts:
Verypissedoffwife · 16/10/2015 08:47

Her hair I'd absolutely beautiful. My eldest is also a red head. She's 15 now and no one has ever said anything other than how beautiful it is, and how women would pay hundreds on a salon for hair like hers. Maybe you should move here? It must be a "ginger friendly area" as quite a lot if us seem to have settled here!

Blu · 16/10/2015 08:50

YANBU, and they are passive-aggressively showing their own prejudice.

People are twats about what they say, and in front of children, about having a boy or girl baby, about physical characteristics, and in our case trips out were to a background chorus of 'ooh, what's WRONG with him?'. As an opening greeting from strangers. I used to say 'he's perfect, since you asked , but if you mean ....his particular condition ... We're getting along with it very well, thank you'.

mimiasovitch · 16/10/2015 08:52

A girl in my dd1s year (10) has hair just like that, but bum length. Every time she walks past my 4 year old niece on the way home from school it's ' look mummy!! Merida!!!'. She's been fine with her hair so far, whilst a lot of girls her age have already coloured and straightened their hair to death, so there's nothing to say your dd won't feel the love either.

Antlily · 16/10/2015 08:57

I had hair like that as a child, I don't remember negative comment other than how difficult it must be to brush. I do remember the compliments, I was short and fat so having those compliments did wonders for my self esteem. Maybe I just didn't remember the bad comments. Although this was in the 90s and dying hair auburn was a thing for a bit. Woman used to come up to me in the street and ask how is get it that colour, 10yo me would launch into an in depth explaination of genetics.

As I've got older it's lost the red and its doesn't curly any more, probably because I've had it long for years and the weight has pulled out the curls. Although I like my hair now, I'd love to have it back.

CarlaJones · 16/10/2015 08:59

YANBU. My dd has similar hair. A school mum once came up to me and was telling me about another mum who was about to have a baby and worrying it might be ginger. Confused Another time at the park some mums i didn't know were laughing about someone they knew who was pregnant and worrying their baby might be ginger. Hmm

OnlyLovers · 16/10/2015 09:00

I too would act surprised and say 'What do you mean?' and force idiots to explain themselves. How rude of them. Beautiful hair too.

motherinferior · 16/10/2015 09:05

I am a lifetime redhead and have NEVER hated my hair. I've hated virtually everything else about me at various times, but my hair? Never.

pudcat · 16/10/2015 09:15

I am a red head with lots of silver now. I was bullied at school because of it. My granddaughter is a beautiful red head but has been bullied so much about it that she has dyed it so many times. Her mother is a red head but hates it and is always dying it - again because of bullying. Granddaughter is now accepting her hair and standing up to bullies and letting her natural colour shine through. Why on earth people think it is OK to ridicule and comment of the colour of hair I do not know. Jealousy perhaps as you cannot get true red from a bottle. If we commented on the colour of skin we would be classed as racist.
So YANBU - an adult should know better. I would say to them - "You cannot buy this colour in a bottle", while staring hard at their over bleached locks.
So YANBU

CheesyNachos · 16/10/2015 09:20

Her hair is divine. I desperately wanted red hair when I was growing up because my heroine was Jinny Manders from the Arab Shantih horse books.

I'd also say with a quizzical look ; 'But why? It is so beautiful'.