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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think mil should pay?

129 replies

Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 20:41

Dhs youngest sister is 14 and lives with his mum, in the October half term mil is going on holiday with her partner and has asked us to have sil. Not a problem but we have said we can't afford the extra costs etc so she will need to give us a contribution, she has offered £50 which will cover her food costs and extra electric, gas etc for the 9 days just.

In that week it's also our dds birthday and we have planned to go to a localish family attraction park which costs about £25 each (not dd as she's under 3). We have set that money aside as we are on a very low income and have to budget things carefully. We explained we will be doing this to mil and would she be able to pay for sil to come as we can't stretch to another £25 easily.

She has said she can't afford to do that.

So our options are:

A)change our plans and not go
B) find the extra £25 ourselves
C) leave sil at home (which seems really mean!)
D) say tough, we won't be able to have her for the week then.

Aibu to think if mil can afford to go on holiday, she can afford to pay £25!

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/10/2015 22:07

So pleased your mum was able to help with the extra entrance fee, what a star she is. Have an amazing time with SIL at the safari park, I'm sure she'll love it too.

Don't be too quick to think she won't want a stable home in 3 years time (when you say you might be in a position to have her permanently). She might not need to live with you then, but I'm sure the offer of a truly loving home will be greatly appreciated by her. Sounds like she needs all the love she can get.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:07

Yes, your probably right actually Catcus. I do resent having to change our plans, or having to be the bad guys saying "no, you will have to stay at home" but not because I resent sil staying with us at all. But I do resent the selfishness of mil, regardless of my fairly good relationship with her (Christ, some of the stories I read on here make mil look a saint!)

anyway, all sorted now! Dm to the rescue!

OP posts:
jo9090 · 15/10/2015 22:09

Hi, looking for some advice from the tactful ones amongst us, me not being one! Going on a walk with a meetup group (online thing, where I know some, most are strangers) which involves a 6.15am drive to start a walk at 8.30am. There are 20 people going and one of the newbies is driving and has made plans to pick people up so that they reach the start for 8.30/9am. I know this as the comments section is open to all, but his conversation is just between his passengers. I think it's extremely rude to already plan to arrive late with the expectation perhaps we will wait around. How do I/or do I neb into that convo and say Hi, this has come up on my wall, it would be great if we could all start together for the 8.30 start - without seeming patronising or setting the wrong tone for the day. I have thought about saying nothing, but I don't want to be waiting around in the cold for him (really it's his passengers) when he can't be arsed getting out of bed. Any tactful way of putting this appreciated :) thanks!

CactusAnnie · 15/10/2015 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJorahMormont · 15/10/2015 22:12

The tickets have been bought already according to OP. I wouldn't resent my SIL in this situation but I would be well and truly fucked off with MIL if:

  • I was skint but had saved for a treat for my DD's birthday
  • A treat DD was looking forward to ('Roaaaaar!' :o)
  • MIL was going off on holiday but expected me to pay for her DD's treats when she knew I was skint.
I wouldn't want to change my plans which I'd saved for and looked forward to because of MIL's selfishness. Luckily Op's DM has stepped in.
Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:12

Jo, could you say something like "oh, I thought the plan was to meet/start at 8.30am but I see there's maybe a misunderstanding as some people are planning to start at 9am? Could we all clarify what time we are meeting as I don't want to be too early or late! Thanks"

Would that work?

OP posts:
Dontlaugh · 15/10/2015 22:13

I don't think this is a MIL bashing thread. I do think MIL sounds, from OP, like there is LOTS going on and there is history. Fair enough.
SIL is still a child, she deserves not only to have a mid term break but to fell like she is wanted, welcomed and not a burden. Much and all as low income dictates life (and I very painfully know this) I am a bit of a sop and would rather SIL could participate fully in a family outing or I would probably rearrange.
So, this translates into 2 options: 1 being the preferred one btw.

  1. MIL, cough up. You can go on holiday, then you can pay for this girl to have a break. For a fraction of the price of the holiday. This is by far the preferred option, to the point of raising past history etc. Why should a 14 year old suffer being passed from pillar to post (OP's words) because someone want a break on the child's well flagged and signposted mid term? Bit manipulative.
  2. Rearrange birthday plans. DD is 3, she'll live. But beware resentment and fallout with yourselves if you do this. i suppose this option depends on how much you prioritise the SIL. My own softie self may well go for this when my bitchy self can't make option 1 work. i would say this will create a, shall we say, emotional relationship with your SIL. Are you ok with this? What it may mean in the future? Will this pattern of behaviour from your MIL continue in the future and if so, how do you think your family will deal with this?
MrsJorahMormont · 15/10/2015 22:13

Giant x-post!

Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:13

Catcus, with her history if anything, I completely overcompensate and would never make sil feel unwanted!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:15

Thanks Dontlaugh, but it's all sorted now!

but do think mil owes us 9 babysitting days Wink

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 15/10/2015 22:19

Who are these MNers who don't believe a healthy 14 year old doesn't cost at least £50 for 9 days' worth of food and bills?? Barking, the lot of you.

I've had 2 teenage boys. That didn't happen in my house.

Dontlaugh · 15/10/2015 22:20

Great!
She absolutely does owe you 9 days, if you'd trust her with your precious baby, the wandering wagon.

TheFairyCaravan · 15/10/2015 22:26

I do get where you're coming from OP.

Your MIL sounds like my sister, you give her an inch and she'll take a mile. I remember one Summer she asked me to look after her boys because she was stuck for childcare. We live 2.5 hours away and I'd just spent 6 months in a wheelchair following major surgery. I agreed to 3 days.

They were dropped off on the Saturday, by my parents. Come the Tuesday I thought where the hell is she? I text her and she said her DP was stuck at work and was coming the following Saturday!Shock DH had to take emergency leave from work. I was bloody fuming, she couldn't see she'd done anything wrong, and it cost us a fortune because her youngest was 3 and our eldest was 14 so it was hard to entertain them all!

holeinmyheart · 15/10/2015 22:30

Lj8893 there wil be many here who will not realise how tough monetarily your life is.
I think you and your Mum are saints and your MIL is unbelievablely selfish.

14 year olds graze continually, leave lights on, turn the radiators on full blast, have hot baths at inconvenient times and everything is all about them, bless them.
They also can be very lovely.

I wouldn't want to look after one for nine days though.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:36

fairycaravan Shock although I could kind of imagine mil pulling a similar stunt!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2015 22:37

In your shoes I would move the visit to the week before or after. Your dd won't know or complain. Hove have a lovely fun and cheap party or treat at home with your dd and your dear sis-in-law.

Yes, your in-laws should pay but if they won't what can you do. It would be horrible for your dear sis-in-law to miss out and also for her to feel that her visit is an inconvenience for you. I'd also guess at 3 and 14 the two girls would want to do very different things in a theme part anyway.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:38

With respect, mil has had a lot of trouble with sil recently (not behaviour she evidences with us but all teens are different with their parents arnt they!) so I can understand why she feels she needs a break without her. It's just a shame that unfortunately that's the sort of thing that sils behaviour is due to, it's a vicious circle really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:42

Italian, thank you. Unfortunately we couldn't move the trip as we have no free days as a family until Xmas hols. It's all sorted now anyway and all 4 of us will enjoy the day Smile

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 15/10/2015 22:49

Glad it's sorted. It's lucky your university give a half term at all. Mine certainly didn't. Then you mil would have been well and truly stumped! Mind you it must be costing her more to go on holiday that week too. Kind of surprising she hasn't booked out of holiday time and attempted to palm your sil off on friends.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 22:56

I don't get a half term at uni, just for some reason have a day off that week, technically a study day but I will study extra in the evenings instead!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 15/10/2015 23:00

Enjoy. Find the fun and have a great day.

Original poster
Lj8893 · 15/10/2015 23:03

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
minimalistaspirati0ns · 15/10/2015 23:20

Why don't you pay for SILs theme park visit and then continue post celebration to make cuts to cover the cost.

Mintyy · 15/10/2015 23:30

I just find it extremely hard to believe that any adult (other than a teacher) would go on a child-free holiday during the school holidays, when the price of all accommodation/flights/travel is double the price more or less by default.

Added to this, in this particular case, MIL has the headache of the fulltime care of a 14 year old daughter to factor in because she's not at school. I am really curious to know why op? Why is she going in half term week?

Booyaka · 15/10/2015 23:31

The OP actually cannot afford it. If the MIL is that skint she can't afford £25 she shouldn't be going on holiday. She just doesn't want to give up her holiday spends.