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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that keeping a naise house is a relentless all consuming activity?

125 replies

midlifehope · 15/10/2015 16:55

We've recently moved to a new house 3 months ago and I'm trying to keep it all nice like. Granted I have a newborn and a 3 year old, and my dp is not that well house trained. But that aside I am constantly doing housework to the detriment of going out or having much of a life. I'm not ocd I don't think, but the house is never quite to the standard I want it. Soul destroying! Aibu?

OP posts:

BoboChic · 16/10/2015 11:25

Living in an apartment building with a concierge gets rid of so many problems. There is always somebody to receive deliveries, which makes internet shopping for everything so convenient.

RachelZoe · 16/10/2015 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BoboChic · 16/10/2015 11:53

Indeed. There is no moral superiority about being a slob or slattern.

wol1968 · 16/10/2015 11:57

It's worth bearing in mind that back in the day there wasn't so much stuff to buy, so many nasty plastic toys, so much cheap clothing, so many gadgets etc. etc. My mum was the eldest girl in a family of six (1 older brother) in the Northern Irish countryside in the 1940's and 50's, and life was very different. Hard work, yes, but it was all farm-related stuff, none of this endless picking up and putting away, the house was very small (think 4 children sharing a room), you had 3 sets of clothes, one to wear, one to wash and one for Sunday best, showers didn't exist, you bathed once a week in (used) water whether you needed it or no and there was one outside loo. It was a world away from the gleaming ensuites and fancy glass walls that are sold to us as an ideal lifestyle Grand Designs I'm looking at you

My SIL is currently going through the 'can't keep on top of the house' stage with a 2-year-old, and I feel for her. MIL said to us the other day that she thought SIL was being a bit 'lazy' because 'I always managed to keep a clean house with two children' blah blah blah, and I said I remembered how it was when mine were toddlers and it was a nightmare and thank goodness you didn't live up the road from me then you judgemental cow I'm kind of on top of things now both my two are at secondary, not showhome standard but mostly acceptable. Although I really must get round to doing the bathrooms. Sigh.

Mintyy · 16/10/2015 12:09

Well I seem to have touched a nerve there. I'm a slob and fucking superior am I? At least I "get" it when other people like doing things differently to me.

Mintyy · 16/10/2015 12:10

And slattern! Such a lovely woman-hating word. We should see more of it on Mumsnet.

Forestdreams · 16/10/2015 12:14

Wol that is a really good point. Similarly, we moved from a 3 bed semi to a 4 bed with playroom, 2nd bathroom & utility. I was more or less on top of the old house, even with baby and toddler. But add in me going back to work and us moving to the bigger house, and it's so much harder to keep it all under control.

It's truly a first world problem. i am absolutely not complaining about our lovely house. But it's made me reject my parents' '70s/'80s ideology of being upwardly mobile, always wanting a bigger, better house. I have enough on my plate with what we've got.

motherinferior · 16/10/2015 12:16

I hate housework.

Loathe it and detest it. I quite like living in a clean and moderately tidy house, mind, but the activity involved in producing this result is utterly tedious. DP feels the same way.

We have just started paying a cleaner again (admittedly after a point where the Inferiority Complex had plummeted to a repulsive nadir) and oh god I love the result.

motherinferior · 16/10/2015 12:19

I rather love that word slattern. I'm going to reclaim it.

shutupanddance · 16/10/2015 12:27

I must admit after readinf RachaelZoe's comments yesterday, I was tempted to post oh do bore off dear.

BoboChic · 16/10/2015 12:31

We live in far less sedentary times. Ever larger houses and gardens with all their concomitant manual labour may have been the ultimate MC aspiration a generation ago but who wants to sink all their capital and resources into a single large home these days when there are so many more interesting things to do than run and maintain your household?

OnlyLovers · 16/10/2015 12:49

my dp is not that well house trained

That sounds like a big part of the problem, TBH.

Bubbletree4 · 16/10/2015 13:04

It is relentless. I do like things to be tidy and organised but it is soooooo time consuming. It makes me feel better mentally having the house nice but in practice stuff is everywhere. It's child related stuff that I can't control - so much of it, ever changing. Stuff belonging to me and dh is under control and as a pp has said, there isn't much of it, which is the key.

Hereslookingatchoo · 16/10/2015 15:23

I don't hugely enjoy housework but I get stressed if the house isn't clean and tidy and I'm naturally very organised, my job taught me to be and its just how I am. A place for everything and all that.

I keep on top of it with two toddlers and two dogs and did when they were babies too, though I'm not sure how. It often gets commented on that I'm very clean and tidy by visitors but it's not that I slave away at it, I just hate clutter so tidy as I go, wooden floors are easily swept and mopped, and my mental health takes a nosedive if things get too grubby. I can't relax until it's clean and tidy. I probably have a touch of ocd, it does run in my family, so I work with it rather than against it and spend a maximum of an hour a day getting the place up to scratch. Then I'm fine and I can enjoy the kids and other activities.

I couldn't care less when others are messy or grubby though, I really couldn't, unless it's absolute filth and then I do cringe a bit

nickEcave · 16/10/2015 17:18

I have two DCs and work 3 days a week. I find that I can keep the house basically clean but would love to know when people find the time to do things that would make the house really clean. Things like deep clean of fridge and freezer, cleaning inside and on top of kitchen cabinets, cleaning insides of windows, cleaning washing machine filters etc

LieInsAreExtinct · 16/10/2015 18:18

I find it utterly impossible. It never used to bother me but I am changing in my late 40s and want some things to stay nice when I have either bought them or cleaned/tidied them! Also have a new partner whose standards are higher and want it nice for him...I am finding it generally just gets me down though, so think I was better off not caring too much!

troubleatmillcock · 16/10/2015 19:27

What gets me is that you are so judged on a tidy house (or untidy as the case may be)

In fact you are judged on everything and I'm sick of it!

Gin

LittleFeileFooFoo · 16/10/2015 20:26

Trouble, that's so true, but I don't get the feeling the men are judged on it, just pitied that they have such a lazy partner. Why doesn't anyone realize he is not doing dishes either?

GiraffesAndButterflies · 19/10/2015 16:24

It's the little bits of crap that defeat me. The receipts, the random roll of masking tape, the camera charger, the postbox made out of a cereal box that I don't know whether to keep or throw away. This shit just breeds and drifts all over the house.

troubleatmillcock · 19/10/2015 16:53

It's so true - men are not judged on an untidy house! They look at the woman - oh, it's her fault, she's slovenly.

I cannot remember the number of times the kitchen cupboards have been commented upon by FIL - especially the pan cupboard which is a total mess.

Who's fault is it?

Mine - all mine, DH has nothing to do with it!

Gets my goat.

mathanxiety · 19/10/2015 18:18

Is this not a case of women assuming we are being judged?

How many of us have actually heard anyone castigating our housekeeping?

And if judging is being done, are we not doing a lot of it to ourselves?

[Gin] is the answer. And cutting ourselves and others a lot of slack. And telling anyone who makes remarks (Troubleatmillcock's FIL for instance) wthat they are welcome to tackle the cupboard themselves. Or better yet, having her DH take FIL aside and having a little chat.

That way you could be in the doghouse for being a slattern, a sharp tongued harpy, and a ball breaker . Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

You will never manage to please everyone, so aim only to please yourself.

BabyGanoush · 19/10/2015 19:51

Cheers to that, math

MerdeAlor · 20/10/2015 08:40

I rent an 'architecturally important' house. The pressure to keep the inside and outside immaculate is enormous. I've gone from happily slovenly in the last house to being horrible anxious about the upkeep.

It's like we are all on display all the time and I feel much more judged on appearances than I've ever felt before.

Real first world problem I know but the responsibility weighs heavily and it ruins the experience of living in such a house. I can understand why the last person who lived here was so private.

NoseinaBook79 · 20/10/2015 08:55

OMG don't bother. Spend time with your kids and try to forget about it. RachelZoe is probably right, and I've been trying to do that MarieKondo thing... but it's so time consuming. House remains a shitheap and DS is constantly breaking stuff and it's probably not safe -- but I like having lots of stuff that means something to me and a cluttered house because it feels homey. Impossible to keep clean, though.

I find it's easier to be friends with other people whose houses are a bit 'lived in'. They tend to be a lot less judgey.

IamSantaClaus · 20/10/2015 11:21

You're right math . However , the one person who said to me 'your house is looking quite messy ' was a 'friend' of dh. I had just got home after having my appendix out and was in the midst of trying to finish Christmas hampers for family . I couldn't believe it.

Other than that I haven't experienced any judgment ( to my face ) about my less than perfect housekeeping . I barely notice the tidiness of other people's houses either unless they're immaculate.

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