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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that keeping a naise house is a relentless all consuming activity?

125 replies

midlifehope · 15/10/2015 16:55

We've recently moved to a new house 3 months ago and I'm trying to keep it all nice like. Granted I have a newborn and a 3 year old, and my dp is not that well house trained. But that aside I am constantly doing housework to the detriment of going out or having much of a life. I'm not ocd I don't think, but the house is never quite to the standard I want it. Soul destroying! Aibu?

OP posts:

Bloomsberry · 15/10/2015 22:51

I'm with LaurieMarlow. Why be a slave to housework, which has to be one of the most insignificant and dull things you could spend your time on? These threads always feature people who say they can't relax in a messy house, or that tidiness is good for their peace of mind, but the other thing that emerges is that a lot of women still think that a messy house reflects morally on them as a woman, and a lot of the time the heavy investment in tidiness being desirable looks like internalised judgementalism.

CobblerBob · 15/10/2015 23:07

Housework? Gawd I work full time, as does my husband. I work like a dog with unpredictable hours, long hours, stupid hours. I do the bare minimum housework and as I type I'm sat with crap all over the place. But I'm knackered. And with a 0445 wake up call tomorrow, I spent time with the kids earlier and now am sitting having some wine. Life is truly too short. I find my house looks great from Saturday afternoon and then as the week progresses it gets steadily worse until on Friday it looks like we've been burgled. I just don't want to be bothered with drudgery in the week. I love being with my kids more than just about anything and hate housework. If you came round to my house as visitors you'd never know... It looks fab when I have guests! But only me, my family and my dog walker know how damn untidy it really is!
It used to bother me. I can't let it or I'd go mad. I figure that since my husband doesn't notice the mess, then why should I?

damewalterscott · 15/10/2015 23:12

I like a clean house but it is physically not possible right now unless I spend my entire life cleaning and I am not prepared to do that.
We have 4 young DC, 2 very large dogs, 2 cats and a very large house. Just to Hoover and mop the downstairs takes an hour and with all the animals it needs hoovering every day.
However those are the choices we made so we just have to suck it up and get on with it!

Bettercallsaul1 · 15/10/2015 23:13

Hope it works for you, Greybird! For me, it remained exactly as you said - a "lovely idea"! I honestly don't think it's a matter of time available as much as a natural inclination/disinclination to doing housework. My house would never be pristine even if I had the whole of eternity to work on it!

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/10/2015 23:18

Yanbu.

I think having a place for everything helps. And this is where my house struggles. My husband is a hoarder on a minor level and quite frankly it would be easier to pull teeth without anaesthetic than it is to get him to part with the unnecessary possessions he owns. Plus I think he may have been raised by wolves. He appears to not see mess. I was aware of this trait before I even lived with him, so it's not a case of him thinking it is "wife work". I try to accept these flaws but it makes me want to chop his fingers off.

Pobspits · 15/10/2015 23:48

Yanbu OP yadnbu

Sazzle41 · 16/10/2015 00:26

Yes it is ongoing like Forth Bridge but then a any job has boring stuff that needs doing regularly too.

Play to your strength, i've a low boredom threshold so 10mins here and there suits me perfectly. I do the kitchen surfaces/sink or the fridge while i wait for kettle to boil, do sink/loo while the bath water runs . But others might prefer one weekly blitz. I've often done a quick dust or hoover during the adverts of my fave soap as come 9pm thats my reserved time to finally do sod all/wind down enough to sleep

Senpai · 16/10/2015 05:18

Oh and I a gluten for punishment, just got a cat and kitten to add to the 4 dcs, a guinea and a gecko. hmm

We had a few caged animals before DD. They will never enter my house again. They make such a mess and the wood shavings killed 3 vacuums in the span of 5 years.

MiaowTheCat · 16/10/2015 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamsonInDistress · 16/10/2015 08:10

For me is not the tune it takes to get it nice that I resent, it's the fact that it lasts all of ten minutes once the kids are awake or in. It's the repetition I can't stand, I cannot be fucked with cleaning the floor of mess four times every single day. So it gets done when I can be bothered which is about once a week frankly. I'm waiting for them to leave home because that's what it's going to take.

bettyberry · 16/10/2015 08:37

It's the repetition I can't stand

^^ this!

I do the laundry every fri and I will sort clothes into 4 big tub trugs. One for me, one for ds one for towels and sheets another for all the socks and flannels.

Every time. EVERY DAMN TIME he completely ignores that all his clothes are in the one trug (with his bloody name on it!) and tips them all out over the floor.

I hate laundry. Its never ending. Got to the point over the summer holidays where DS had 2 sets of clothes only. One to wear, one to wash. He hated me but oh my was its bliss not having to do 4 loads of washing a week!

SheGotAllDaMoves · 16/10/2015 08:47

It is relentless.

We have a housekeeper which is a huge help obviously but there still plenty for DH and I to do.

And when she is away, I can see how much time it takes to keep things orderly.

The washing for one thing! All that washing, drying , ironing and putting away! Every. Single. Day.

MrsMook · 16/10/2015 08:57

If I have a spare hour avaliable to restore my sanity, I'd rather use it for a run as a break from the house. The runner's high lasts longer than a clear floor!

I'd like to attribute the dodgy standard of my housekeeping to helping DS overcome his food allergies by resetting his immune system properly

Forestdreams · 16/10/2015 09:01

grazia "Tips from very organised people are not going to help people who don't have the same views or priorities"

This is spot on. I think I just need to accept that my house is never going to be immaculate because that would require me to put in a lot more hours of housework than I'm prepared to. There are loads of blogs and books devoted to how to organise your life and cleaning schedule, but they all basically require you to put more time into cleaning than I think I have available. I think there is no magic secret, it would only get showhome tidy here if I spent hours extra each week cleaning.

elQuintoConyo · 16/10/2015 09:04

I have a partner. He does his share.

And we don't have an awful lot of stuff.

And we have taught 4yo ds to tidy before he goes to bed (well, I say 'taught', we guide and help as he chucks bricks in the brick box, throws away his empty yoghurt pot, etc).

Our house is always clean, but not always tidy, and that is fine by me. If someone dropped by now, I wouldn't feel ashamed that I'm still in my jammies ; (it's 10am here), ds' discarded jammies, dressing gown and slippers are on the sofa, his crayons are on the table next to his empty porridge bowl and there is this morning's toothpaste buts in the sink.

None of my friends have immaculate houses

Mintyy · 16/10/2015 09:06

I sometimes feel like I will go insane if I just have to wipe down the kitchen table one more time. But I quietly grit my teeth and get on with it, 3 times a day, day in day out. No ... it's not always me (I live with another adult) but you know what I'm saying.

All I can think of when I'm doing housework is all the other stuff I could be doing instead. I truly detest it.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 16/10/2015 10:13

mintyy indeed.

It's the repetition that does my head in.

Everything else in life changes. Work, family dynamics etc are all in flux.

Maybe that's the difference? Some people find repetition very soothing some find it irritating. I wish I were the former.

hebihebi · 16/10/2015 10:30

I would love a tidy organised house but my kids are still young and they're messy. My husband works long hours. I work part time. I'm so busy and tired.

They say cleaning when you have kids is like shovelling snow while it's still snowing and I feel like in some houses it snows heavier than others.

I would definitely love to be one of the "it only takes 20 minutes a day" crowd that I read about on MN. Oh and my house really isn't that cluttered. It's laundry, washing up, cooking, helping kids with homework, taking them to the park, endless paperwork from school, pre-school, nursery, getting my work stuff sorted, clubs, bath-time, breast-feeding. We have a lot of fun though but never tidy.

Plomino · 16/10/2015 10:38

God yes , the repetition .

I loathe it . Sweeping the kitchen floor , at least twice a day because of dogs or kids or me tracking dirt in from outside or off the yard .

Actually what I loathe more is thinking about dinner . It's not the cooking it that I object to , I'm quite happy pottering about peeling potatoes or whatever with some TV on , whilst everyone else does their jobs or chills out , but it's opening the fridge , or freezer or store cupboard door, and thinking , ' what the fuck can I make out of this that we haven't eaten this week , that won't take forever '

And yes I've tried menu planning , but with at least one person in the family working every single day, and one of us on shift work , and other people that need to be somewhere else , trying to work out a menu plan for that is an absolute nightmare .

BoboChic · 16/10/2015 10:52

Our domestic arrangements have changed considerably this academic year as both DSSs are at university and DD has moved to secondary school, with a completely different routine to primary. I just haven't got my head round it and am not at all organised and, unusually for me (because I like to have my domestic life in a routine and under control so I don't have to think about it) I am not managing to focus on it. Hence it's bothering me and feels relentkess. I hope the next two weeks of half-term will give me some creative impetus to reorganise...

MrsLupo · 16/10/2015 11:04

Relieved to find it's not just me that feels like this. Have a career and a partner who pulls his weight more or less, but I still seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on housework and it's certainly not because I'm OCD about it. It's a long time since the kids were toddlers, so I don't even have the prospect of it all improving once that phase passes as pp have suggested. It doesn't help that our current house breathes dust like nowhere I've ever lived. I would donate a kidney to have a housekeeper, as someone upthread mentioned - not just a cleaner, but someone who would run errands, do the shopping, post parcels, pay bills, do the school run...feel quite tearful at the thought of how good that would be! I have only one top tip for my fellow strugglers and I'll probably get flamed for it by someone. It's to have a zero tolerance attitude to anything that kicks around for too long - odd socks that really don't seem to have an opposite number, lego that no one seems to claim ownership of (particularly if I've trodden on it in bare feet ), newspapers DP wants to save for the crossword, pieces of paper folded over 5 times with TOP SECRET written on the outside...they all go in the bin. I started with boxes we'd never unpacked years after moving house and it felt so liberating that now I just chuck out anything I can't be bothered to deal with. Have had to act dumb a few times ('Has anyone seen the rules I was writing out in triplicate for all my friends for our new Minecraft extravaganza?'...Um..no..maybe Dad's seen them...?) but it keeps my sanity (vaguely) intact. Kids seem largely happy. House mostly looks like a bomb's gone off. Oh well.

SquadGoals · 16/10/2015 11:16

We have a cleaner who comes twice a week for about 3-4 hours each time.

I'll never not have a cleaner again.

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2015 11:17

My house isnt brilliantly tidy. I have too much stuff. I am resolved to throw much of it out so have started to get rid of things bit by bit.

For anyone with young DCs I hope you're not beating yourself up about an untidy home. People forget, back in the day women didnt work so much outside the home, friends were in and out and also women helped each other.

Unless you have a cleaner I don't know how a home can be pristine if youre a mum of little ones.

I'll get there with mine. My teens help too, thank God. Mind you I wouldn't be associated with anyone who judges on another's level of tidiness anyway. When I go round to a friend's house and see untidiness/masses of clutter I just think "she's feeling down/mildly depressed maybe" and then I help without making a deal of it at all

Once Ive got rid of all the unecessary stuff Im going to hire someone to come round do a dust & deep clean "my idea of heaven"

Plomino · 16/10/2015 11:23

I would give my right and left arm for a housekeeper . When DH and I were imagining what we would spend our lottery winnings on , a housekeeper was my first wish .

It's not that it's just me , doing all the slogging , everyone has their jobs . It's the fact they have to be done at all . Over and over and over . I need staff .

MissMarpleCat · 16/10/2015 11:25

A housekeeper is first on my lottery wish list too. I bloody detest housework.

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