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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like boyfriend disciplining DD?

81 replies

S00TY · 14/10/2015 21:47

My boyfriend, who I would like to point out is lovely and gets on great with DD has been spending a bit more time than normal at my house has been rubbing me up the wrong way.

I have no problem with him telling DD off if she does something directly to him. Whether it be rough play getting a bit too rough, picking her up on manners when speaking to him etc. However, when it comes to things like telling her to tidy her room (we're talking toys on the floor not anything major) I feel that this is my domain. It is my home and therefore if there is mess I wish to be tidied up at that specific moment I will ask her to do it, I do not need someone else to.

Another example is when DD is speaking to me poorly (again just normal 4 year old backchat) and I am dealing with the situation he has been known to talk over me and issue an ultimatum. So will maybe say, if you don't stop speaking to your Mum like that you won't be allowed to do x. If I am dealing with a situation I certainly do not need someone to cut me off and decide what punishment should be given. I feel that is down to me.

Whilst I do see that he is trying to have my back I have been a single parent for 4 years and I have managed to raise a lovely, well mannered (most of the time), outgoing, friendly, thoughtful little girl. I find it.. for want of a better word, intrusive. I also feel that talking over me is undermining me in front of DD. It is just the two of us during the week and we manage perfectly well.

I have picked him up on this. I mostly do it one to one but have told him not to speak over me in front of DD numerous times for two reasons, one - I don't want her thinking that that's an ok thing to do and two - in the immediate moment I have disagreed with his ultimatum and will not be standing by what he has said.

I know that I am struggling having someone else in a position to be "parenting" (again not the best word choice as I am her only parent) role towards her but I'm unsure if these annoyances are perfectly reasonable or if IABU.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Doyoufeelluckypunk · 14/10/2015 21:56

I think you are on the right track in your response to this.

How long have you been together?

You probably need to have a direct conversation with him about this issue and clearly set down some boundaries.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 22:00

I have picked him up on this. I mostly do it one to one but have told him not to speak over me in front of DD numerous times And he has ignored you. Why does he think he has a right to trump your wants, wishes and choices for your child?

Original poster
S00TY · 14/10/2015 22:02

We have been together a while. He has been in DDs life for a little over a year.

We have spoken about it several times and he has said that in the moment he's just trying to help. I know he is but, honestly, I don't find it helpful.

OP posts:
Doyoufeelluckypunk · 14/10/2015 22:05

I'm not really sure what the answer is to be honest if you have addressed it and it continues.

Does he have children?

Original poster
S00TY · 14/10/2015 22:08

He doesn't ignore me. He very quickly backs off but he does do it again at a later date. He has said he doesn't realise he's doing it until the words are out and that he is trying to diffuse the situation.

The things is. I've raised her alone up until now, he doesn't have children so when he is sometimes doing what he thinks is a good thing he doesn't realise that actually it's not, it will piss me off and an ultimatum to a child will never work when his alternative to behaving I won't follow through on. I feel it's my decision to issue an ultimatum if and when I think it is necessary.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 22:09

Some people just like to jump in. There was a woman recently on DD's school trip who insisted on jumping into every bloody conversation between every child and every parent.

Parenting classes? For the both of you? Might be good to work through some of this.

Original poster
S00TY · 14/10/2015 22:11

To an outsider it will sometimes sound like DD and I talk round and round in circles but what I tend to find works is reinforcing what I have said whether that be 10 or 20 times she will eventually accept it, deal with it and move on.

Next time it will take less repeating and so on. Obviously this is situation dependent. I can tell her why she isn't having chocolate for breakfast a million times and it will never sink in Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
S00TY · 14/10/2015 22:15

Thanks MrsTerry, that might not be such a bad idea. I think I need a bit of guidance on accepting someone else into my life on an equal footing as I struggle with sharing responsibilities for DD. I'm used to taking it all on and I guess I feel a bit territorial and quite fiercely protective of our set up/relationship.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 14/10/2015 22:15

I think you need to tell him that it's as much for his benefit as it is for yours; the last thing you want is DD thinking he's Bad Cop and the one who's always dishing out reprimands and punishments. That's going to have negative repercussions for their relationship longer term.

He might come from a background where his dad was the disciplinarian and he feels like this is what male parents do. You should point out that you had this down for three years before he really got involved, you know your daughter, you know what works- now it's time for him to watch and see how you handle different situations, rather than spouting out crap or over the top ultimatums.

If he pays lip service but keeps butting in, i think you need to remove either him or DD from the situation. Send DD to her room, follow her up and have a chat about what she did or said. Or, if he's more accommodating, say something which you both understand to mean, "clear off and let me deal with this".

Seeyounearertime · 14/10/2015 22:19

When I moved in with my gf and her 2 DCs we had the conversations and such about everything. One of those things was I was not to tell the children off about anything. If they need telling, I tell my GF and she sorts it. It works perfectly well, boundaries set and they haven't ever been crossed.

You need to have this chat with your BF and set the boundaries. Grin

SaucyJack · 14/10/2015 22:24

I think you need to sit down together and come up with a co-parenting that lays down clear guidance for both of you.

I don't think YABU to not want to be overruled. No parent likes it.

But I also think if he's been around for a year or so then it's perfectly normal for him to "join in" with the family when he's seeing you. He's not some random bloke any more.

Original poster
S00TY · 14/10/2015 22:25

I have over the last couple of days said as much.

He said something along the lines of "right your Mum can go out an do what she needs to do and you'll just stay here with me". I immediately quashed that and said no. Later I did tell him that the message he is sending to her is if you're good you get your Mum if you're cheeky she will leave to do whatever and you will stay here (with him) as punishment.

There is two things there, firstly I will not have anyone tell DD that if she is naughty I will leave her at home. That would be my decision not his. And secondly it turns what is a positive thing (them spending time together one on one) into a negative.

When I told him this he was a bit taken aback. His thought process didn't work that way and he apologised to both me and DD. He honestly doesn't mean bad by it and I know he doesn't but it's really bothering me. Even though we've spoken about it and he has agreed it's still bothering me.

I'm assuming that couples who are Mum AND Dad go through the same kinds of issues but I'm thinking it might be easier to deal with as they are on equal footing. I'm in unchartered territoty here too.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2015 22:29

I'm assuming that couples who are Mum AND Dad go through the same kinds of issues but I'm thinking it might be easier to deal with as they are on equal footing. Well kind of except you don't know what your partner's parenting will be like until you have a child and DH will still be DD's Dad even if I split up with him so I'm stuck with his parenting style! Grin

Original poster
S00TY · 14/10/2015 22:30

Yeah I guess that's true.

OP posts:
Hissy · 14/10/2015 22:39

So you have been seeing this bloke for a year, how long has your dd known him?

He's overstepping boundaries here and not listening to you.

Back up from the guy a LOT!

NanaNina · 14/10/2015 22:42

I don't like the sound of your BF SOOTY in the way that he is trying to mussel in and "discipline" your daughter, and issuing ultimatums is simply not on. OK so he apologises but then he does it again.......you say he is spending more time at your house. Is there a reason for this? If he is start to discipline a young child when he's not living with you, I think he would be a lot worse if he moved in, and it could become a real problem.

Of course parents can have different parenting styles but it's not the same, because as you say you're on an equal footing.

I think this is a red flag, really.

Handywoman · 14/10/2015 22:43

OP I think your instincts about where the boundary is is spot on: he needs to butt out. If he can't accept it then he needs the sanction - I would not have him spend so much time with your dd. You are understandably territorial about how things work in your house and don't need parenting classes, IMO.

Handywoman · 14/10/2015 22:45

I actually feel this is all about his attitude to YOU, OP, not your dd..... By which I mean you've told him his input is illogical and unwelcome but he does it anyway. I think it's a bit disrespectful. It's an amber flag, if not red.

minimalistaspirati0ns · 14/10/2015 22:48

It's really inappropriate for him to take over when you are dealing with things

Dontlaugh · 14/10/2015 22:51

You've told him how to talk to your child, he has ignored you. He "apologises" but only on the surface, because a real apology means not repeating the behaviour. But he has.
What are YOU going to do next?
Her needs come first, above his.
How the hell has he suddenly become the law in your house?

Aussiemum78 · 14/10/2015 22:51

Does he actually help as in cooking or cleaning? Or just bullying you and your daughter?

Do your friends feel they need to discipline your daughter?

I'd see this as a red flag TBH. And a deal breaker if he ever thinks a smack is his solution to disciplining your child.

Maybe over the top, but I'd be concerned about him abusing your child. He's acting like an authoritarian and the man in charge.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/10/2015 22:55

I know that I am struggling having someone else in a position to be "parenting"

As your boyfriend, he is not in any position to be 'parenting' your dd and it's certainly not his place to undermine you.

I find the use of the word 'punishment' in connection with 4yo dc singularly inappropriate and wonder whether this is your term or his?

Why has he been spending 'more time than normal' at your home?

Dontlaugh · 14/10/2015 22:57

My boyfriend, who I would like to point out is lovely and gets on great with DD

From your original post, OP, I would have to strongly query both points, based on what you've posted.
He's not that lovely, is he, and he doesn't get on with your DD unless she does what he says.

Original poster
S00TY · 14/10/2015 22:59

He's not bullying either of us. Yes he has overstepped the mark and yes it needs addressing. I will sit down and have a proper discussion instead of bits here and there. If there is no change then yes he will be out.

He would never raise a hand to her, he is against that as I am and if he wasn't we'd be done quite frankly.

Aussiemum that is over the top. From blindly stumbling around parenting styles to abuse is a massive jump of the gun.

I am no shrinking violet and have zero qualms about walking away from anyone whom I think would harm mine or DDs well-being but knowing him as I do he is trying to help but struggling to find a balance between helping and hindering.

OP posts:
whatdoIget · 14/10/2015 23:03

Does he find it difficult to control what he says in other situations? I'm just wondering whether he usually has a problem with this, or whether it's only when he's talking over you to tell your child off?