To not like boyfriend disciplining DD?

[S00TY]

My boyfriend, who I would like to point out is lovely and gets on great with DD has been spending a bit more time than normal at my house has been rubbing me up the wrong way.

I have no problem with him telling DD off if she does something directly to him. Whether it be rough play getting a bit too rough, picking her up on manners when speaking to him etc. However, when it comes to things like telling her to tidy her room (we're talking toys on the floor not anything major) I feel that this is my domain. It is my home and therefore if there is mess I wish to be tidied up at that specific moment I will ask her to do it, I do not need someone else to.

Another example is when DD is speaking to me poorly (again just normal 4 year old backchat) and I am dealing with the situation he has been known to talk over me and issue an ultimatum. So will maybe say, if you don't stop speaking to your Mum like that you won't be allowed to do x. If I am dealing with a situation I certainly do not need someone to cut me off and decide what punishment should be given. I feel that is down to me.

Whilst I do see that he is trying to have my back I have been a single parent for 4 years and I have managed to raise a lovely, well mannered (most of the time), outgoing, friendly, thoughtful little girl. I find it.. for want of a better word, intrusive. I also feel that talking over me is undermining me in front of DD. It is just the two of us during the week and we manage perfectly well.

I have picked him up on this. I mostly do it one to one but have told him not to speak over me in front of DD numerous times for two reasons, one - I don't want her thinking that that's an ok thing to do and two - in the immediate moment I have disagreed with his ultimatum and will not be standing by what he has said.

I know that I am struggling having someone else in a position to be "parenting" (again not the best word choice as I am her only parent) role towards her but I'm unsure if these annoyances are perfectly reasonable or if IABU.

Any advice would be appreciated.

And yes he does cook and clean. He also puts petrol in my car, buy's a food shop etc.

They get on perfectly well. The incidents I've spoken about are few and far between and my daughter whilst adorable is no angel. He can handle naughty behaviour but sometimes yes, he does butt in a bit. It's a far cry from being a nasty person.

I may step off this thread because either I'm portraying the real situation poorly or there is a bit of hysteria. I was looking for a bit of advice that was all. Not accusations that a good man is abusive

Goodness, lots of angry replies and jumping to conclusions.

I see this more as 'it takes a village to raise a child', and while you need to agree on disciplinary strategies (ie. agreed consequences for different behaviours, or deferring to you for everything), I tend to think that he is trying to help, rather than hinder.

What happens in future if you decide to get married or live with each other? Will you ever consider him to be a parent to your child?

If he has been in DD's life for at least a year (25% of her life so far), then I would consider him a responsible adult in her life and one that she should be able to trust and take direction from. Similarly to how I am 'allowed' to direct my nieces and nephews to do a task like tidy up and dole out appropriate consequences for misbehaviour, and my siblings can do the same to my DS. Not to say that it doesn't smart a bit if they tell him off, but as we all have similar parenting philosophies, it's something I have to suck up and move on from.

I think the idea to attend a parenting course together is a great one.

However, the caveat is that you need to be comfortable with all this. And if you aren't, maybe ask yourself why.

whatdoiget - he does in some ways. He doesn't have much of a filter and tends to say what he thinks/how he feels in that moment. It's something he is aware of. It's never malicious just occasionally quite baffling.

Him and his family are all very close (niece's and nephew's too) and they all seem to have this open way of talking and just saying what is on their mind.

might be difficult for him to change then! But he's going to have to start engaging his brain before opening his mouth.

Oh hang on, smacking? Abusing? It's a poor bloke trying to do his best in a situation he doesn't understand. OP said he doesn't have children, he's never gone through the thought processes and trial and effort she has in working out what works best for her child. Every child is different and will react in a different way. OP said when she explained one of his 'trying to help' sanctions he had never thought about it in the way she had.

Let's not string this man up just yet shall we. OP it's been a year, if he is spending more time at your home it could well be that that is where he feels more comfortable, my male single mates have very unwelcoming cold (there words) houses and they much prefer to be in a warm loving home than sat on their own. Unless OP comes back with some massive drip feed I think this is more about communication issues (which we all have had in our time) and whilst you should lay down the law that she is your DD and you will handle any issues with her at present, give him a chance to learn from you.

I dread to think what my ex and his exW thought about my efforts with his children but I was just trying to do my best in an unfamiliar situation.

KP - I do struggle with it. My ExH was to say the least a not very nice man once I had DD. We only stayed together 7 weeks after DD was born and 2 of those he was at his parents and 1 I went to mine.

It took alot for me to get involved with someone and even more for him to be part of DDs life. I think I am insecure in allowing him in anymore than he is and I do feel that he probably feels like he's in limbo slightly.

I would like to get to a place where I can accept him as an equal part in DDs life but I do find it difficult.

he is trying to help but struggling to find a balance between helping and hindering.

Fair enough. Your daughter shouldn't be the blackboard though. Bullying is a strong word indeed.
It doesn't always mean "raising a hand". Emotional bullying is a fucker, and can cause much more damage in the long term. I am not accusing your partner of this, to be clear. Just outlining.
A new man in a house, telling a 4 year old she can't go with Mummy if she doesn't behave and has to stay with him (as punishment) is just not adequate. He does not have the parental rights or the authority right now to do this.

You do not need to rescue anyone other than your child, but you know this. Clearly this man has some issues and clearly you are concerned, or you wouldn't have posted in the first place.
He does not need to be in the house with your daughter until you have established these very clear boundaries in relation to behaviour etc. This is YOUR responsibility, not his and certainly not your daughters.

My cousin started seeing someone when her ds was 4. They married after a few years, and started living under same roof. Even then, my cousin's husband never ever took the role of the disciplining father. We used to think it odd of him to back out of confrontations with his stepson so completely - sometimes it made him appear a bit of a wimp, and as if he wasn't helping his dwife with the inevitable struggles of bringing up a headstrong adolescent. HOWEVER, they got on extremely well as a result, and there was no lingering resentments or difficulties, and now looking back I think he did the right thing. It must have been very hard at the time as his wife was a soft gentle soul who needed sticking up for, but in the end she was the mother of that child and I think it was incredibly important that her son felt she was the one in charge, not the step parent. The step parent was a support to her, but not his boss. They (mother and son)had lived in their house for so long together before the new husband moved in, despite having been the couple out together for a few years before that (but not under same roof all the time) that it was very important for son to feel it was his house and his mother was the one in charge. Wouldn't anyone feel odd in a situation where step parent suddenly started ruling the roost, however tactfully?

Oh x post and good no drip feed! OP you may have to parent him for a bit until he understands the style in which you chose to raise your child. You've had four years to learn he's trying to impress you, build a bond with your DD and find his place in your little family. It's tough when you love someone and they have children. You want to love those children and for them to accept you and youre scared of doing the wrong thing. Often there is an ex in the background waiting to rip you to shreds for the smallest thing. Being a stepparent I think is one of the hardest things in the world.

Your own 4yo is always amazing, gorgeous and beautiful to you. Maybe he really likes her but isn't blinded by love so finds her behaviour slightly irritating at times. A non parent will never understand the 10 to 20 times of asking. However, ahead of that he is disrespecting you, you need to make it clear that you understand why he feels the need to butt in, but you understand your child better and home should always be a happy secure place for her.

Son has now gone to university and is delightful so the stepfather backing off has done no harm whatsoever. My cousin's ex (and father to her son) had been a bully so it was very important to her not to have another scenario like that.

Of course the relationship deserves every chance, we all need and want someone to love.
Where we, as parents, have to step up is where it gets a bit sticky.
Yes, indeed, the boyfriend may have had xyz happen in his life which determines how he behaves. But, he is an ADULT and can determine how he reacts and can control his environment. A 4 year old can't. She relies on Mummy and other adults to make her happy.
I absolutely do not agree with what I will call the "bloke centric" posts on here. He doesn't have kids? Get over it. Learn how to interact with them by listening to their mothers. Engage with the child, put their needs first. Because they are children, and cannot meet their own needs on their own.
If a parent tells someone "don't do that to my child" and then it is done again, I would have to wonder why the adult is not listening. And then I would have to act on that information.

Your child your rules. But make a choice, is he a parent to her or is he not?

If not then tell him that, if he is then let him act like one.

You can't, imo have it always.

If he's a great guy and wants to be a father to your child then you have to decide how that is going to happen.

For instance do you want a man in your life who has no say in the discipline of your dd even though he is contributing financially and raising your child?

He 100% is not a bully. He is just trying. I think I certainly need to be more clear in what my boundries are. Things are discussed but I guess in hindsight it's always in drips and draps.

We'll speak tomorrow night once DD is in bed. Thank you for the page 2 posters. This was really what I was looking for by posting.

Good luck, and hopes for a good result from here.

Thank you.

It's really difficult to manage these bits, but I think it's workable, my dp struggles to get it right with my dcs. I think it's probably going to be getter to sit down with your dp and have a ground rules conversation. You might even go as far as writing a family contract, which you daughter can be included in the making of (have a grown up conversation privately first. That way you can all have a say about how you'll try and handle conflicts that arise, without feeling like your squashing your dps slightly clumsy efforts.

You could also privately agree with your dp on some type of code or communication from you to him if he mucks it up, such as 'I think your mobile's ringing dear' - that way nobody has to undermine the other. A united front is important from all of the adults (speaking from bitter experience)

And finally, yes he will get things wrong. If it was her bio dad, he'd also muck it up from time to time (or constantly) but you are in the position of holding all the cards, so your way is how it's going to happen. He just needs a solid way of navigating that.

S00TY
"To an outsider it will sometimes sound like DD and I talk round and round in circles but what I tend to find works is reinforcing what I have said whether that be 10 or 20 times she will eventually accept it, deal with it and move on."

If I was in a room where mother and daughter were having the same argument 10 or 20 times over and over, I'd struggle not to butt in, quite frankly.

By the way, some of the accusations levelled against this man have been little short of scandalous.

I was really against the tone of this thread on page 1, but it's changed a bit on page 2. I am a massive "red-flag" raiser, but I have to say, the OPs post did not raise a red flag for me.

I think OP's partner is trying to find his place/role and not getting it right yet. So Y Y to parenting classes from me - I think they will help you all.

SOOTY, I think you need to think about where you see this man in your life. If you see him as only being around you all for a little while (short - medium term) then he should butt out and leave all parenting to you.

However, if you have a reasonable (and hopeful) expectation that he's there for the long-haul, then he is right to try and "parent". Because that's what he is if he's around for the next 10 years.
But maybe he needs some help and support to get that right. And (as gently as possible) you should let him, and let him make his mistakes and learn to get it right (as a birth parent would/does). I often didn't and don't like my DH's parenting decisions, and he's the biological father.

If you want this man to be properly a part of your life, then that also involves him being a father to your children (and that is a great thing, and if that is what he wants, he should be congratulated for it). But wanting that doesn't necessarily mean he is right in how he carries it out. But he needs support for that, and not demonizing.

Hope this helps!

In our family we tell nephews/nieces/cousins off if we think it's needed and just get on with it - no one bats an eye lid.

I also think it's fine to do this because if I am looking after niece or nephew they need to know my boundaries around things and need to respect my surrounding and if I can't tell them off for some reason then it's not going to work. The things I'm thinking about when telling them off is when they don't pick up after themselves, to stop running/jumping/fighting/screaming/back chat etc. Etc.

I also think it's important for kids to respect other people in their families boundaries even though they may be different to their parents boundaries.

Think of me at my mums along with my brothers kids - brother has gone out and left them and they are playing up. They get told off but often say "we do that at dads house" my answer is always your not at your dads house now and gran doesn't allow it, they need to respect others rules and know they will be disciplined by others at times.

I was a stepmum before I was a mum. When I first met my stepdaughter I wanted to do the right thing but it was hard sometimes to know what to do, joining a family set up that had been evolving for years. As well as making it clear what he should not do (i.e. talk over you etc) it might be helpful to agree what he can do in these situations that you would find positively helpful (even if it's only saying, I'll make your mum a cup of tea while you talk, and then really deliberately leaving the room). That might help in the short term as he gains experience of your parenting style.

But yes, if you intend to become a family all together in the long term, then you will over time need to evolve a joint parenting approach together. Good luck.

Agree with irishdad - mine get told off 3 times at the most. I wouldn't be telling someone off after 10 times never mind 20. I would struggle to listen to someone telling their kids off 20 times and not want to say right enough give it up you've been told.

The 10/20 times is an exaggeration.

Its not being told off either its a conversation, usually can I do/have x - no because of y. But I want x - no you have been told y. Please can I have/do x probably a pretty please too. Yes it is annoying, boring and repetitive but since I started explaining things even multiple times we don't have the same tantrums.

I don't enjoy doing it but I try as much as possible not to shout /ignore. Not for everyone but its how i do it.

On phone now and its a nightmare. Will read and post properly tomorrow. Thank you to the posters offering advice.

Truly excellent posts, Dontlaugh.

op i am bothered by his coming into your house and acting as if it's his -i mean his saying you will go out and leave your dd at home with him as a punishment. This steps over more than 1 boundary IMO and shows that he thinks he is in charge in your house of you and your dd.