To not like boyfriend disciplining DD?

[S00TY]

My boyfriend, who I would like to point out is lovely and gets on great with DD has been spending a bit more time than normal at my house has been rubbing me up the wrong way.

I have no problem with him telling DD off if she does something directly to him. Whether it be rough play getting a bit too rough, picking her up on manners when speaking to him etc. However, when it comes to things like telling her to tidy her room (we're talking toys on the floor not anything major) I feel that this is my domain. It is my home and therefore if there is mess I wish to be tidied up at that specific moment I will ask her to do it, I do not need someone else to.

Another example is when DD is speaking to me poorly (again just normal 4 year old backchat) and I am dealing with the situation he has been known to talk over me and issue an ultimatum. So will maybe say, if you don't stop speaking to your Mum like that you won't be allowed to do x. If I am dealing with a situation I certainly do not need someone to cut me off and decide what punishment should be given. I feel that is down to me.

Whilst I do see that he is trying to have my back I have been a single parent for 4 years and I have managed to raise a lovely, well mannered (most of the time), outgoing, friendly, thoughtful little girl. I find it.. for want of a better word, intrusive. I also feel that talking over me is undermining me in front of DD. It is just the two of us during the week and we manage perfectly well.

I have picked him up on this. I mostly do it one to one but have told him not to speak over me in front of DD numerous times for two reasons, one - I don't want her thinking that that's an ok thing to do and two - in the immediate moment I have disagreed with his ultimatum and will not be standing by what he has said.

I know that I am struggling having someone else in a position to be "parenting" (again not the best word choice as I am her only parent) role towards her but I'm unsure if these annoyances are perfectly reasonable or if IABU.

Any advice would be appreciated.

And he's not been through any shit either. He has a very solid family background. Just starting to make things up now. Thank you to those who posted with helpful advice. I'm out now.

Oh I see well then if you've been together for a long time and he's then been around DD for a year and he has a very solid family background then you're ok aren't you... all sounds very hunky-dory. You could have put that up in 1st place to make things clear..also a little caveat that unless replies are focused on softly-softly approach to a man then they arent welcome/you are in defence-mode

sigh...

Can I speak up as a step mum op? I've struggled at times SMTP stay out of issues between DH and DSD especially before we married (she was then the same age as your DD). Sometimes I found it really tough not to step in when I felt things were out of hand or I was frustrated at the round in circles game they played. I'm not saying what your DP is doing is right or wrong, I'm just saying the early days of step parenting are damn tough as you try not to cross boundaries whilst solidifying relationships and your role on the family. It takes a saint or a highly controlled psychologist to get it right all the time.

I think it sounds like he is starting to think of you as a 'family' unit - and is assuming the role of other parent. Because you haven't taken the parenting journey together - and done what new parents do, in terms of talking about and agreeing parenting norms and expectations - he will be drawing on his own experiences of being parented. He has probably never actually thought about what sort of parent he wants to be as an active process.

You need to talk about what your parenting choices are, and agree what role he is to take in your DD's life. And he needs to show that he is responding to that.

Apologies as I haven't read the whole thread. I'd suggest it's okay to be annoyed as he doesn't live with you guys. If you are planning on making a go of this relationship, perhaps living together eventually then you need to understand that he will be involved in disciplining your child. It's unrealistic for SP to be told they have no authority over children that live with them.

It also sounds like you have very different parenting styles, he appears to prefer issuing ultimatums and you don't. However, him talking over you and ignoring your expressed wishes isn't behaviour conducive to learning different approaches. Him stomping in with his size 10's is going to confuse your daughter and frustrate you further. The time for him to be a full co parent isn't now and only you can can make that clear to him.