to think that DP should contribute a greater part of his salary to our joint/family finances?

[ScandiCinnamon]

Excuse the rambling and the exact numbers but wanted to give as full a picture as possible.

Backstory. Been together with OH (not married) for just over 9 years. Two DC's (one 5 and one 7) both in school. We live in co-owned property. He is working full time in a fairly stressful job and earn (I think) about £4k/month after tax. £2.3k of that goes into joint account for mortgage bills etc. When we met I had a decent job with a good salary, but now I work PT so I can collect the DC's after school. I earn a pittance, but still contribute. So, pretty much at the end of the month I am left with £70 'pocket money' for myself and I don't manage to save money/put anything aside for a pension. He has after commuting costs etc £1.3k to play with. Our joint account regularly goes overdrawn due to car trouble/emergency house stuff boiler/roof etc and so on.

I am starting to feel increasing resent and almost feel trapped. And that I am simply filling a function in the family. AIBU to think he should share more of his money and that it is astounding that our joint account goes overdrawn but he still has his little money pot for himself?

The OPs OH wanted her to go part time.

There are a few on here whose internalized misogyny is leading to selective reading.

When you are couple with a child and one of you works part time to deal with child care and the other work in keeping a home, the one working full time deserves more of the money pot??
I can't believe some of the comments on here.
It should be 50/50.
In many relationships one earns more than the other. You haven't got a marriage or partnership if you have this yours and mine mentality. Stay single.

That is crazy. My partner and myself put all our finances together and we have 200 each a month to play with. (we could have more if we wanted as we only save the rest anyway)

It has always been this way even when oh was on 14k and I was on 18k plus my second job roughly making my income upto 22k.

He's now on 17.5k and we still work the same way. We have a home together. No kids yet but we're big savers and currently doing our house up. (were both 20).

It just makes more sense to us to put the money all in one big pot? Even though I am the bigger earner I'm happy to do that, always have been! I'm sure OH will be happy to when he's a higher earner or when we do have kids and I'm on mat leave.

Tell him. It sounds most unfair.

Make a spreadsheet with income and outgoings and show him in black and white!

I am in the opposite position - I earn more than DH and have always contributed more to the joint account. We try to ensure that both of us have roughly the same amount of disposable income left. Sadly DH isn't that good at managing money so is frequently overdrawn..... He also appears to think that the joint account is infinitely flexible

I'd leave my husband if he didn't share his money with me as equals. We are a family, all money is family money. Whatever load we have, we pull together. I don't understand family set ups with carefully carved up money and expenses, like living in a flat share.

Ok, if you are both 100% happy, but OP is not and struggling when her husband is rolling in cash. How is this a loving partnership?

"partner 1 simply has a higher paying job than partner 2, due to industry chosen or whatever, why would partner 1 automatically 'deserve' to have the extra money this involves to themselves? "

Because it's theirs? Not saying they can't chose to share some of it with their DP but it shouldn't be expected as the default. Bills like the mortgage and the heating should be equal because you both use those. But not sure why you think spending money should automatically be shared.

"In many relationships one earns more than the other. You haven't got a marriage or partnership if you have this yours and mine mentality. Stay single."

No, if people have a setup that works for them then you can't go around telling them they should be single because they don't have the same setup as you. What I was saying about not splitting it didn't really apply to someone staying at home raising up kids. In that situation you'll probably have talked it over before and agreed on how the finances are going to work. I was just meaning that in other situations say Partner 2 earns a bit less in a fulltime job than Partner 1, I don't think Partner 1 should be obliged to share. Bills should be split 50/50 yes but spending money not so. Ofc if people want to and it works for them thats great but it shouldn't be expected as default. A partnership doesn't mean you're joined at the hip.

"I'd leave my husband if he didn't share his money with me as equals. "

What is your work situation, are you full time worker or stay at home parent, part time etc?

Hiiiii. I'm back. Just spent a wee while reading all the posts. Thanks all. Agree with some disagree with others.

Okay so here's some more info.
When I was FT we worked in same industry. And earned pretty on par. Hence no issues. And as I contributed equally we managed to save up. That money is now long gone (feeding over draft).

As mentioned earlier If I go back FT in my industry I would have to travel internationally. Which OH does regularly. It would be impossible as there is no family to help w looking after if both travel.
I do the house work, cooking etc. OH doesn't do any of that. BUT as of after half term things will change. I will then work my hours will spread across four days. So those days OH will drop DCs to school. I will pick up and do the normal after school stuff. The day I will not be working I will drop/pick up clean house etc.
If OH leaves the office on time (ie no sneaky after work meetings. Read: going to pub) he would be home by earliest 7 pm. Up to very recently OH has been spending a great deal of his free time away from home / doing hobbies etc (I even posted a thread on this a while back). FYI he has been going through a bit of a midlife crisis. So he has by no means rushed home to read stories and put DCs to bed.

If I work full time we need either childminder (in our area £1,000 for two DCs) or live in au pair.

I am by no means a free loader and hate losing financial independence. And whilst he put me on the deads of house and I didn't pay for that I have invested just over £10k in house.

I don't think Partner 1 should be obliged to share. Bills should be split 50/50 yes but spending money not so. Ofc if people want to and it works for them thats great but it shouldn't be expected as default. A partnership doesn't mean you're joined at the hip

Sharing the money us not being 'joined at the hip' That is a daft thing to say.
If you are committed, as you should be in a marriage or partnership, especially with children, you are a family. You don't have one member taking the lions share because they earn more!
It smacks of the days when men would hand over a small amount of housekeeping money to ' the little woman' while he would keep money to spend in the pub because he was ' the provider'!!
On average women DO earn less, but in a partnership with children it takes a commitment to be equal within that family, not one person deciding they deserve more because they earn more.
It's bollocks!
You support each other, some with finance, some with taking more care of children to enable the other to pursue a career or in other ways for the overall good of the family.
I imagine it does work well for the one warning most to keep more of the money. I doubt the one with less is over the moon about it.
Who wants to be married to an arrogant prick who sees their position as 'superior' or 'more worthy' ?

It is the same whether you have children or not, btw,...You are partners who share, not single people!

I'm sure he will love the extra money and be perfectly fine to contribute more to the family with his time. Let us know how his new-found domestic skills mature, won't you?

"Because it's theirs? Not saying they can't chose to share some of it with their DP but it shouldn't be expected as the default. Bills like the mortgage and the heating should be equal because you both use those. But not sure why you think spending money should automatically be shared."

This is so cold. I thought you were supposed to live and care for each other. Does one sit with a waitrose ready meal and the other one from Iceland? What about holidays - does the higher earning partner jet of on more holidays - if they go together does one fly First class and the other economy - (though that's actually happened to us)?

A partnership, especially children isn't always something that can be just split down the middle, often the division of labour and who does more of what etc can be quite complicated. How can you love someone and see them have a lot less to get by on whilst you enjoy your higher earning? Strange.

I'm struggling to understand why you feel someone is an arrogant prick and considers themselves superior because they take the pay they are entitled to in the first place. There should be some amount of sharing of spending money because you won't see the other stuck for money, but I don't agree with a default assumption of a 50-50 split. Your bills are joint yes but you are separate people with separate hobbies and pursuits which cost different amounts. If the man and woman both have expensive hobbies and the woman earns more, it doesn't seem fair she should have to cut back on her hobbies to let the man fund his and vice versa.

Some degree of sharing yes, default assumption on 50-50 split no, I just don't see that being right.

Your bills are joint yes but you are separate people with separate hobbies and pursuits which cost different amounts.

So the higher earner is entitled to more expensive/numerous hobbies and thus a better quality of life, purely because their job pays them more money? Of course you're entitled to have this setup if you find a partner who agrees with you, I don't think anyone is arguing against that. But to think you're entitled to a better standard of living than your chosen life partner, who you presumably claim to love and cherish, then yes, I would say you'd have to be a bit fucked in the head.

We don't have a 50-50 split so yes, it doesn't have to be that we both can only spend the same amount of money. But, we do have access to spend the money as we want - he doesn't get to have more just because he earns the money. I earn nothing - some weeks or months it might even be that I spend more on myself than he does.

But to think you're entitled to a better standard of living than your chosen life partner, who you presumably claim to love and cherish, then yes, I would say you'd have to be a bit fucked in the head

Absolutely. Seriously, people like that should be avoided as partners.

Yep fucked in the head sounds about right and having read your update Op I hope he has some redeeming qualities you haven't mentioned

Just wanted to note to all those saying it is fine not to share equally with a lower earning partner. Both the DCs are also his. The DP in this case is not only not sharing with his partner, he is also not sharing with his DC such that adequate funds are not available to support their lifestyle.

"he is also not sharing with his DC such that adequate funds are not available to support their lifestyle."

The OP said that he does put money into their joint account to cover bills, which will include things the DC's need, so you can hardly say he deprives them. OP, while I don't agree with the assumption others seem to have about everything being shared, I would like to say that your £70 spending money versus his £1,000+ seems a massive difference. More than I'd consider normal in a relationship. It's something I think you need to talk to him about, and let him know that you're feeling trapped and a bit resentful. See if you can work something out together, and best of luck.

Thanks all for your posts.

The budget conversation is due to happen this weekend. I'm feeling a bit apprehensive but also very very curious to how he will be about it all.

Good luck! You certainly have a right to know where all that spare money is going every month if you have been depleting savings to cover the shortfall in the joint account.

I would not stand for this in a committed relationship with 2 children. It is not my idea of a partnership, at all.

Good luck, yes definitely find out if he has a slush fund accumulating all that surplus cash.

Love the fact he has the luxury of a midlife crisis! Heywouldnt you like that option. Unfortunately you have to be the one with the backbone worrying g about the realities of finances and childcare.

I'm genuinely shocked by this thread op... We are in similar circumstances (equal full time earnings then dc, now I do 3 days per week and he's had a couple of pay rises so I earn about half what he does)

We worked out our budget and then we both contribute to the joint account so all expenditure is covered and we both have roughly the same left over in our personal accounts each month. We review regularly to check each other is happy with the arrangement and managing OK.

I hope your conversation goes well. I don't think I could live with the finances controlled the way you are. I certainly wouldn't be happy.

Would you go into business with a partner that drew £1k wages each month but told you as a joint director you can only draw £70 per month and whilst your joint business partner took pension from the business you get no perks?

Ask your dp if he would do that? Also ask him why he thinks its a good idea to pay bank charges every month when he has savings?