to think that DP should contribute a greater part of his salary to our joint/family finances?

[ScandiCinnamon]

Excuse the rambling and the exact numbers but wanted to give as full a picture as possible.

Backstory. Been together with OH (not married) for just over 9 years. Two DC's (one 5 and one 7) both in school. We live in co-owned property. He is working full time in a fairly stressful job and earn (I think) about £4k/month after tax. £2.3k of that goes into joint account for mortgage bills etc. When we met I had a decent job with a good salary, but now I work PT so I can collect the DC's after school. I earn a pittance, but still contribute. So, pretty much at the end of the month I am left with £70 'pocket money' for myself and I don't manage to save money/put anything aside for a pension. He has after commuting costs etc £1.3k to play with. Our joint account regularly goes overdrawn due to car trouble/emergency house stuff boiler/roof etc and so on.

I am starting to feel increasing resent and almost feel trapped. And that I am simply filling a function in the family. AIBU to think he should share more of his money and that it is astounding that our joint account goes overdrawn but he still has his little money pot for himself?

He's gone from very fair (to his detriment in the case of the property) to strongly the other way. Either he was pretending in order to hook you or something has changed (affair?). Either way, I'd be worried.

Tell him you are considering full time career again as you are sick of your 70 pounds a month.

And if you aren't getting managed get a cohabitation agreement in place and protect yourself and DC a little more financially.

I now earn nothing, DH is on 60K a year. I used to earn more than him but gave up work to look after our 2 children, 1 of whom has special needs. He readily admits that I work harder than him

All of our money is pooled and always has been. We have 1 account and we use it for whatever we need. We obviously discuss big purchases but everything else is never questioned.

I don't think I could be in a long term committed relationship with children if I had anything less than this.

What a dickhead.

You should both just put everything you earn into the joint account, then each take out say £400 a month personal spending/saving money.

While not directly relevant to OP's situation, I would like to point out that "joint account or LTB" isn't the only way it can work. DH and I have been together for 14 years, and when we first moved in together 11 years ago we got a joint account. We fucked that up completely, on account of both being pretty shit with money and in our early 20s. Since we closed that, we've had pretty much seperate finances. Currently we get paid approximately the same, and divvy up the bills between us after contributing half each to the rent. One month he buys the food, one month I do. I do the electric and the gas, he does the sewage and water. It works out broadly speaking, and it works for us.

The key point here is that we consider it fair. OP's situation is grossly unfair. Back when he was unemployed and I was the only earner, I paid all of the rent as otherwise he would have had no money whatsoever. A joint account isn't the only option, but whatever arrangement it is you have to both find fair.

So it's less of a commitment to have children together than it is to pop along and get married?

I don't work, husband is a high earner. We don't have joint accounts and I'd say he spends more on himself than me but it's my choice to spend less than him and I have access to as much as I need or want.

Your situation sounds awful.

Agree with pp that joint account isn't the only way forward. DH and i contribute a sum to the monthly outgoings which is in proportion to our salaries. Whatever we are left with is ours but DH mainly takes care of nights out/ day trips / any weekend spending, most holidays- I cover the kids clothes and other miscellaneous spending. I think whatever the arrangement, as long as you consider it fair between you, that's what matters.

By giving up financial independence to have children w/o being married you've taken an enormous risk.

It seems to me it's more than who pays for what now; you lose out on pension, lost income b/c of child-rearing etc. Without marriage, if your relationship breaks down, you'll have very little to show for your sacrifice.

I would be asking what's the 1k+ he has left spent on. Is he saving? Spending?

You need to write out all bills and make sure there's enough money to cover it going in each month, if he needs to increase then so be it - put cards away for that account and use it as direct debits only. Have a second account for food and petrol to avoid using bill money account.

Explain any meals out ect will have to come out of his pocket

We share every penny! You're a unit, why wouldn't you pool your resources.

I've always felt that you should have a joint account to put all the money needed for bills, expenses, and a little bit extra to cover unexpected bills/emergency fees or whatever. And you keep your "spending" money in separate accounts. Some people say about not needing joint accounts at all, but it's easier if you have one.

Thanks all that have posted.

I don't feel an urge for us only have a joint account. I'm happy with us having a joint and personal (I do not want questions on how much I spend on face cream/wax kits/books) It's the whole imbalance that pisses me off.

We are sitting down to have a chat on Sunday. DCs 'going out for a play date being kept out of the whole potential shouting match

It doesn't have to be a joint account to be fair to both of you although that's an easier way to do it.

One option could be to have a joint account into which both your salaries get paid (and all the bills come out) and have individual accounts with a monthly standing order for an equal amount of disposable income.

Alternatively, add up exactly how much it costs to run the house (include everything - mortgage, bills, food, all expenses relating to children like clothing, days out, school stuff, general bits that they always seem to need!), round up a bit for a cushion and then divide that amount between you pro rata according to you salary (so if you earn 25% of his salary, he pays 75% of the costs and you pay 25%) - with you each keeping the remainder. This isn't fair in terms of the amount of disposable income you both have as I suspect he will still have more left than you, but it allocates all expenses more fairly.

YANBU. Even when DH and I weren't married (together for ten years first) he gave me half of all he had and usually more...all I had to do was ask and even then mostly I didn't have to ask!

He and I had separate accounts but he always told me exactly what came in each month.

How much more do you want OP? Splitting what is left evenly would give you both around £650 spending money a month. But that wouldn't be fair, because going to work full time every day and commuting is more expensive than being at home.

I also think you risk being unfair to this man, who is already paying all of the mortgage, bills, house repairs, food, car, etc.. Yes, you look after the children but he seems to do a lot too. Your children are now school age, you could always go back to your former well paid career? I don't think either of you have enough money together to live the lifestyle you want without being short, if only one of you works full time. And presumably someone is paying off that overdraft regularly and someone is doing that?

If a man was saying these sort of things to me and suggesting that I should be left with even less money at the end of the month after going out to work, after paying all of the mortgage and bills, I'd feel pretty resentful of him. I'd be wondering what was the point in working hard at all if I couldn't buy any little luxuries or things I liked to make my day a little bit nicer after a hard commute and stress at work, 7 but instead had to wonder whether I could afford a lunchtime sandwich.

Personally I believe if you are a family then it should all be equal. DH and I had only been together a short time when we had DS1, I took a career break from a job which paid the same as DH and we pooled our finances. We had equal amounts of spending money, it was never 'his' money, my role was to look after the children and I didn't work because of this.

Now I am part time and we basically pay all bills/household stuff out of our joint money then spends between us whatever is left.

Separate accounts would still work with this arrangement but I have never understood how SAHMs/Part time workers are treated in this unequal way. Shows a real lack of respect IMO.

I totally disagree with Scremersford, I guess how we do it is that we would have however much spending money left and we would spend it between us however we needed, we would never split it in half as such. If it was a joint decision to have a family set up where one person works and one deals with the children then surely it should still all be equal, why would he deserve more.

I actually find that being at work more means we spend less, taking the kids out etc is much more expensive, although we take petrol out of our 'bill money'.

I have the potential to earn more than DH if I went full time but my employer allows me to work part time and is much more flexible so it made sense for us to do it this way. I could never imagine me taking more money just because I earned more, we are a partnership and a family.

Scremersford; I am not entirely sure how much more I would like. It's the not being able to save into a pension that freaks me out. Out of the pittance I earn I also pay very high commuting costs. I leave the house at crack of dawn. Work right through (no lunch break) in order to get back and collect the DC's from school. Then its the normal kids/school/house stuff that is done.

I would not want to go back to my former career as I would have very little time with my DC's as I would be travelling internationally and work until 8 pm at night. Not much room for flexibility in that line of work. And I did not bring children into the world not to see them.

We have a joint account, but mainly operate through individual accounts. My income is variable, but always lower than Dh's. I contribute to food and the children's costs such as clothes and activities , he does most of the rest. When my income is reduced, he tops me up. Basically, I have enough to satisfy my needs, and desires.

Hopefully he's just been thoughtless about your spending needs, and this can be resolved by discussing it.

He is already committed to you through housing and children, so it is worrying that he won't ensure that additional legal security through marriage. It doesn't have to be an occasion.
Worst case scenario, if he died suddenly, would you have immediate security of finances to continue running the household? (I ask because my DF died very abruptly, but my DM was well provided for- like many of her generation, she was completely dependent on his income)

I know, especially on mumsnet, that many will disagree with me. Its simply that I did have a not so dear husband making similar requests at one time, and I began to feel like I was being taken for a ride. No matter how much his share was increased, it was never enough. He always had extra "unexpected expenses" that had to be met. There was always a good reason he couldn't earn as much money as me. There was always something he did that was equally as valuable as my financial contributions. I'd be delighted to find a man who would pay all of the mortgage, bills, food, car, etc expenses. Until this thread, I didn't even know they existed any more! To be honest, I began to feel that the money was just as important to him, if not more so, than me.

I don't actually see the point in working OP if you work such long hours, earn a pittance, pay such high commuting costs and can't even contribute into a pension from it (although pension contributions from a part-time job are always going to be low, aren't they?). The pension contributions are a separate issue; if you were married and divorced you would be entitled to some of your ex husband's pensions to some extent, on the basis that his pension was designed to cover both of you. So presumably if you were married, you would not be so worried by the current set up? Although obviously it would be good to have your own pension. But that's something you need to protect very carefully and which again results from work and a career, if you want a good one.

There's absolutely no point in the posts that say £2,300 is far too high a level of bills. You have no idea as to the OP's mortgage costs etc.

£70 and £1,300 is clearly unfair. Spends should be equalised broadly.

OP if you are not going to get married I hope you seek the relevant legal advice re wills, next of kin etc.

I just don't understand why people put up with these kinds of unfair financial arrangements and also why the earner is not mortified to have the person they 'love' and their children under pressure for money when they can afford to make their families lives easier. YANBU OP. I wish to god there was more openness about this issue so that people go into relationships and having children with a better understanding if fairness and their obligations once children arrive.

My dh would starve himself to let me have a massage or something nice. Not that I would EVER permit that (I'm not a spender at all) but I know he would sooner die than see me or the kids have less than him.

LittleBearPad; We have wills set up. So if he goes first I will get the house and whatever money he has, the DC's and vice versa. There is insurance so if either of us dies the mortgage will be paid off. He also has some life cover through his work, which I would receive.

As mentioned before I'd love to have got married but sadly that has not happened and the last thing I will do is issue an ultimatum about that.

You have children together. You are married in all ways apart from on paper. All money should be 50/50

What the hell is he doing with all his money?

I think you need to go back to work full-time now your children are at school and when your OH seems to want to keep finances separate. Could you find a full-time role that doesn't involve the international travel?

It seems a bit harsh on him that he has to pay over £2,000 a month, put you on the deeds of his house and you still want more while only working part time. Are you working as much as you can? For example, if your kids are at school and you are working 9-3, that is fair enough. If you're having whole days off a week while your kids are at school, then I'd be browned off if I was your OH. Its 2015, and women need to look after themselves. Get a childminder, work full time, and start putting money into a pension. It sounds harsh, but relationships are often here today, gone tomorrow and you need to protect yourself.