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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DP should contribute a greater part of his salary to our joint/family finances?

152 replies

ScandiCinnamon · 14/10/2015 16:26

Excuse the rambling and the exact numbers but wanted to give as full a picture as possible.

Backstory. Been together with OH (not married) for just over 9 years. Two DC's (one 5 and one 7) both in school. We live in co-owned property. He is working full time in a fairly stressful job and earn (I think) about £4k/month after tax. £2.3k of that goes into joint account for mortgage bills etc. When we met I had a decent job with a good salary, but now I work PT so I can collect the DC's after school. I earn a pittance, but still contribute. So, pretty much at the end of the month I am left with £70 'pocket money' for myself and I don't manage to save money/put anything aside for a pension. He has after commuting costs etc £1.3k to play with. Our joint account regularly goes overdrawn due to car trouble/emergency house stuff boiler/roof etc and so on.

I am starting to feel increasing resent and almost feel trapped. And that I am simply filling a function in the family. AIBU to think he should share more of his money and that it is astounding that our joint account goes overdrawn but he still has his little money pot for himself?

OP posts:
dontrunwithscissors · 14/10/2015 17:20

As others, I just can't get my head around having children and not pooling wages. You are working a full time job by daring for the children, thereby enabling him to earn his wage. As a PP said, make sure you 'charge' him for childcare.

TBH, I just couldn't be in a relationship with someone who treated me like a doormat.

dontrunwithscissors · 14/10/2015 17:20

Sorry, caring for the children.

Thighbrow · 14/10/2015 17:20

Yanbu as I'm sure you know - £1.3k is an outrageous amount for 'spends' when your 'joint' account is constantly overdrawn. Do you share the car? Have you sat down with him with the figures to tell him he needs to contribute x amount extra?

Agree with previous posters about joint money. When you have a family there is no longer 'your' money and stuff.

Fairylea · 14/10/2015 17:20

He's being totally unfair.

We are the other end of the income bracket and are extremely poor (dh earning min wage ful time and I'm a carer to severely disabled ds). We pool all our income and anything left over is split between us for spending money (not much at all)!

I don't know how your dp can look at himself in the mirror to be honest knowing he has all that spare and the rest of the family is struggling.

chicaguapa · 14/10/2015 17:20

If that's the way he wants to view the finances, you should charge him for the childcare which you provide by working PT. You can add that to the £70 you have left after taking your paycut to look after them.

00100001 · 14/10/2015 17:23

Why don't you suggest all salries into one account.

Then the same amount of "pocket money" go out to each per month e.g £100 each, to spend on what you like for yourself, no questions asked etc So if you want to buy ourself a book for yourself, then do it from that. Anything else, meals out, school trips, day trips, clothes, birthday gfts whatever - goes from the joint account.

00100001 · 14/10/2015 17:25

and also - it's basic money management,

if you have "savings" (his £1.3k) and "Debt" (Joint overdraft) - then use the savings to cover the debt - simple stuff!

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2015 17:25

Ugh. He sounds like a bit of an arse, tbh.

You need to add up ALL family expenses, not just monthly bills but including annual/quarterly/unexpected things like big car bills, and holidays and entertainment and eating out etc., and some savings put by for a rainy day. Don't forget that you should BOTH have a pension to pay into, and this should be a family cost too because you are doing childcare. Get a total annual amount. Divide by 12 and get a "true" monthly amount that needs to be in the joint account.

Pay proportionally into that joint account. So if you he earns £4K and you earn £1K, then he pays 4 times as much as you into the joint account. What is left over is yours/his to spend on yourselves.

I bet he won't like it, but it's not fair as it is. You need to kick up a fuss about this, OP, you are on the slope to being financially abused I would say.

(Btw the moneysaving expert site is good for planning ALL the expenses you need to think about in a year. It will be more than you think! I suspect it will make your DPs eyes water, but it needs to be done. Good luck.)

ILiveAtTheBeach · 14/10/2015 17:28

You'll have to sit him down and show him the bank statements. Work out what amount he'd need to pay in, for you to always be in the black, and just say "look, I really need you to pay in £x, for there to be enough". Remind him that although you earn less than him, that is purely because you are there for his children. Remind him that if you went FT, you'd earn more, but that you would have huge childcare costs, so it's pointless. Also, as you are PT, you are able to be there for school plays/trips etc and isn't that lovely! Remind him that your career is on hold. Explain how worried you are about the money.

If nothing changes, then in a few months tell him you've won £1M on the lottery and it's going in to your sole account. Grin

cheapskatemum · 14/10/2015 17:31

We were in a very similar position to this when we started a family. DH only saw it from my point of view when I totalled how much he'd have to pay other people/companies for all the "services" I did for no charge and I didn't even include sexual services Blush !

YANBU

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 14/10/2015 17:32

How the actual fuck did you get to this? How did you not raise merry hell long ago?

NewLife4Me · 14/10/2015 17:32

We keep it easy and all money is family money and anything left is split between the two of us.
I don't work but dh still considers it half mine.
I couldn't imagine his n hers it would be like being two singles, not a partnership.
Why do so many women put up with this and they are usually the ones who have nothing if they split up as they aren't married.
OP, your o/h clearly doesn't want to support the family fully and I also think he doesn't want responsibility of parenting.
You say he has fear of commitment, he obviously didn't first time round.

howabout · 14/10/2015 17:33

£15 per hour might be a good start for childcare expenses he should be paying you (saw this on a bus yesterday as agency cost of careworker) or up to £30 per hour which is the going rate for tutors round our way.

Your DP's attitude stinks.

annandale · 14/10/2015 17:35

I just don't understand how this has come about. You don't know how much he is earning, the bills aren't getting paid, you are paying a huge chunk of cash every single month in lost income due to working PT and there's no mention of savings and pensions, life insurance, funds for the children...?

You need a jointly worked out financial plan with joint goals and a precise budget, otherwise you are going to end up broke and no idea how it happened.

Isitchristmasyet4 · 14/10/2015 17:43

I want to know what he spends his pocket money on every month!

LagunaBubbles · 14/10/2015 17:43

Another one here who is amazed at people putting up with this kind of thing in relationships, you aren't a family, you're the hired help with the wages! Good luck if you want to stay with this man (and personally I couldnt be with someone with a rotten attitude like this, shows a complete lack of respect to their partner), you are going to need it! What on earth does he do with all "his" money whilst you have nothing??

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 14/10/2015 17:52

I always love the "bill him for childcare and cleaning" comments. As adults and parents it's just a part of life. The OP has already said she decided to reduce her hours to be at home more.

It's not like he's sat twiddling his thumbs, he's paying the bulk of the household expenses that allows the OP to have the life she has and to work less. What should he bill her for?

Where a couple are not married, they risk a lot joining assets, money together etc. They should talk as adults and agree who covers what between them. Handing over 2.3k a month isnt opting out of providing, unless you live in a mansion it's more than enough to cover outgoings unless you spend a lot on unnecessary items. That's without your share. Some families live on half that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2015 17:56

YANBU but this is very much a relationship issue and I would also post this in Relationships as well.

You really did sleepwalk into this and had two children by him as well. And now the chickens are coming home to roost.

How much power have you handed over to him (do these children have his surname too); the power and control balance in your relationship is very much in his favour with you being put at a very real disadvantage. He knows this. I doubt very much that he will ever marry you and he is being a shit in that regard too.

Being unmarried as well puts you in a very poor legal position if you were to separate. He knows that as well.

Flutterbutterfly · 14/10/2015 18:05

Wow, it's very very wrong.

Just tell him straight, it won't continue. Ask him how he would feel with £70.

Your his unpaid help. He's taking the piss.

Either, split the remaining money, he pays you some money,( for the childcare/ loss of earnings, you stop paying into house ( watch that though if you separate) or he leaves.

Flutterbutterfly · 14/10/2015 18:06

And I agree he won't marry you.

Original poster
ScandiCinnamon · 14/10/2015 18:45

The finances were obviously not an issue when I also worked FT and had a good salary.

I'd love to bill him. Grin

One thing I must add to the background in all fairness; when we met he had just bought out his ex wife from their house. When I became pregnant he added me to the deeds and we now own the property jointly. He never asked for a penny from me for that.

OP posts:
Muckogy · 14/10/2015 19:37

a lot of red flags here, OP.
i couldn't live in this situation.

he's mean.
and he doesn't respect you or your work either.
and this is, to all intents and purposes, financial abuse.

i would be worried about where i would be left in the future, should he decide to go.

Muckogy · 14/10/2015 19:39

agree with what was said by someone above.

he does not want to marry you.

he may be feathering his nest for his eventual departure.

laureywilliams · 14/10/2015 20:08

£1k is a lot to have left after mortgage/food bills etc. What is he doing with it all?

Defenderwife · 14/10/2015 20:29

He's filling his piggy bank incase it all goes tits up again.

How on earth did u end up in this situation. Did you not have a chat about finances when u have up working FT?