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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask parents not to come because of drinking?

33 replies

FartemisOwl · 14/10/2015 12:00

I probably am being unreasonable here, so I'm prepared for answers.
Basically, I recently decided to remove alcohol from my life as it was controlling me, rather than me controlling it, and although it's early days, I'm doing okay with it.
However, my parents, both of who drink a fair bit of red wine every night and have done ever since I can remember are due to visit us for a few days (they live hours away so don't see us that often.)
They know of my decision, but that won't stop DF from bringing loads of wine with him, as its 'my problem' not his. Bearing in mind that when they've stayed before when I was on antibiotics and found it hard to stay off the booze, he still kept on in front of me, and said he'd go home if he couldn't have his wine.
I know I'm going to have to deal with people drinking in front of me sooner or later, and im prepared for that, but I'm worried about putting myself at risk of failing this early on. Would I be unreasonable just to ask them not to come for a few weeks? Or should I just pull up my big girl pants, grit my teeth and suck it up?

OP posts:
heavens2betsy · 14/10/2015 12:03

They should be supporting you. Would it really be that hard for them not to drink for a few days? If its that big a problem maybe they need to address their own issues too!
You know yourself. Do you feel up to resisting temptation yet? If not then ask to postpone the visit or tell them your house is a booze free zone.
Well done by the way. And good luck!

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 14/10/2015 12:06

" said he'd go home if he couldn't have his wine."

hmmm....sounds like he might have a problem. What about postponing their visit as heavens suggested.

ididntsignupforthis1 · 14/10/2015 12:11

Or ask them to come but look for travelodge type accommodation so they can hold off in the day and drink at night?

MajesticWhine · 14/10/2015 12:11

Oh, that's really difficult. I'm not sure how explicit you have been. Have you actually asked outright "please do not bring any wine, I am not drinking and I don't want to be tempted" If he was to ignore a request like that, it would be incredibly unsupportive.

BarbarianMum · 14/10/2015 12:13

YANBU If your df would really choose wine over you it suggests that he has his own issues with drink. If so, you confronting your issues is likely to make him feel defensive and you will probably find him more likely to encourage you to drink than support you to stop. Sad

l think if you are not drinking any more it is perfectly reasonable (actually sensible) to keep your home alcohol free.

Gottagetmoving · 14/10/2015 12:14

Ask them not to come for a few weeks or until you feel able to cope with them drinking. Mind you, they should be able to visit without HAVING to have a drink. Sounds like they have a bit of a drink problem too.

AnotherCider · 14/10/2015 12:23

You need to put yourself first, particularly in these early days.

Cancel/postpone the visit. If they get upset because they don't understand, then that's their problem, not yours.

claraschu · 14/10/2015 12:23

Your parents should be proud of you for facing your problem and dealing with it. If they are having their own issues with alcohol which they aren't ready to confront, they can go out for a drink before dinner, or hide a bottle in their room and drink on the sly and lie to you about it. You should not have to watch them drink in your own house.

GummyBunting · 14/10/2015 12:37

YANBU.
It's perfectly fine to say that you're not finding it as easy as you thought, so in order to commit to doing this right your home must be an alcohol free zone. You're really looking forward to seeing them but ask that they don't bring alcohol with them.

If your dad kicks off, just say you're sorry that he won't be coming, but you look forward to seeing him when he no longer prioritises his drinking over you. Nice but firm.

Original poster
FartemisOwl · 14/10/2015 12:37

Thanks everyone, I think the sensible idea would be to postpone it. I think DF in particular cannot stop. I can't recall a single time when he's not had his wine...one making dinner, 3 or 4 in the evening and then he sneaks back down when he wakes up in the night for a whisky (my DM has told me and I've caught him too.) He thinks we don't know, so it doesn't count!
I have broached the subject tentatively, DM would be fine with it, but DF would rather stay home if it means he can't do what he wants.
I don't want to be some anti-alcohol dictator, and if it was just for a night, I think I'd be okay, but 4 nights watching them downing the red is really going to test my resolve.

OP posts:
Booyaka · 14/10/2015 12:38

It really sounds like they have a problem. Hotel or nothing I think. And no drinking while with you. If you find it hard not to drink when others drink in front of you, you've definitely done the right thing giving up.

GummyBunting · 14/10/2015 12:40

OK after your last post, your father is an alcoholic with an addiction. I might not actually be possible for him to go an evening without a drink.

That doesn't mean you should accommodate it. Just be very honest, you can't have them here if they're drinking, at least not right now.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 14/10/2015 12:43

It sounds like you are not the only one with an alcohol problem…

If they can't stay off the wine for a couple of evenings to support you and respect the effort you are making then I think perhaps they have more of an issue with booze than you do.

cjt110 · 14/10/2015 12:45

YY to all the previous posts. They should be supporting you and it sounds like they may also have a problem.

YANBU - and well done you for making an important decision about your own drinking and doing well in staying off the booze Flowers

PrivatePike · 14/10/2015 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

G1veMeStrength · 14/10/2015 13:00

YANBU in the slightest!!

Well done on giving up the booze, it sounds like a very strong positive decision. Your home is now an alcohol free zone and if anyone cannot respect that, they are not respecting YOU.

I have to say if my child posted your OP, as their parent I would be utterly ashamed of myself.

Well done and good luck.

CheesyNachos · 14/10/2015 13:13

God Fartemis what a problem. Thanks. I understand the worry especially if you do not see them that often.

If you can postpone that would indeed be a great solution. Get some more weeks under your belt.

motheroftwoboys · 14/10/2015 13:19

It is hard in the early days of recovery and I hope you are going to AA to get support. Eventually you will have no problem with people drinking around you but it sounds as if you are not at that stage yet so it would be wise to tell your mum and dad if you haven't already and to ask them to help you out by not drinking for the short time they are with you.

Original poster
FartemisOwl · 14/10/2015 13:21

I've long suspected that their drinking habits helped to kind of normalize mine in my own mind - growing up where it is normality - well, I'm not surprised! I've known mine has been out of my control for a while, I can't just have one or two, I want 7 or 8, so it just had to go.
DH is very supportive and has gone tee-total even though he rarely has one anyway, but it's appreciated all the same. As far as outside support goes, my friends are behind me 100%, I've set up a blog to write down my feelings and moan on and signed up to a recovery forum, which all seems to be keeping me clear about why I'm doing it and keeping me positive.
I think as far as DF goes, I'll arrange to go see them, but just for the one night.

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 14/10/2015 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helloitsme15 · 14/10/2015 13:39

YANBU - they should be pleased to support you and leave the wine at home.
Ask them postpone if they will not stop drinking - do not jeopardise your own hard won progress.

TheClacksAreDown · 14/10/2015 13:46

As an alternative, might it work for you to say that your house is alcohol free at the moment but go out to a restaurant/pub with them for a meal where they can have a drink. You've still got drinking going on in front of you but might be easier to deal with than in your own home.

Italiangreyhound · 14/10/2015 13:52

Postpone the visit.

Or meet them in a soft play place (if you have kids) or an unlicensed restaurant, cafe or coffee shop that doesn't serve alcohol.

Be very clear with them, YOU are dealing with YOU. Because if this is your problem (and it is) then say "Well, my problem this is my way of dealing with it, if you want to help me, please do by not bringing alcohol but for now I am not free to meet you except in an alcohol free zone." Or words to that affect.

If DF can't visit you without alcohol he has a problem!

Divide and conquer, speak to them separately. Just be really clear, your home your rules.

WELL DONE on recognising a problem and dealing with it. YES by all meals put on your big girl pants but don't then lie down and let them trample on you. Are they coming to see you or drink, if the former no drink, if the later, no you!

Italiangreyhound · 14/10/2015 13:53

Means not meals! (Food is my problem!)

coconutpie · 14/10/2015 13:54

YANBU. Good for you for tackling your problem with alcohol. Your parents obviously have a problem also. You need to put your own health and well being first. If they refuse to not drink alcohol in YOUR home then tell them they are not welcome to stay. Your health trumps their inconvenience.