AIBU to keep punishing my 6 year old

[Arrowfanatic]

My daughter is 6, and she still wets herself daily.

She will sit on the sofa and just wee herself, she will sit at school and just wee the carpet. She wees her bed constantly.

This has been an almost daily occurrence since we started potty training when she was almost 3.

She has two younger siblings who are totally dry. She is ruining her bed, we have to buy new bedding constantly as the smell just stops washing out. She refuses pyjama pants, says she's not a baby. When she wees herself in the day time she says she just didn't want to stop what she was doing

It's been 4 years, you name it I've tried it when it comes to solving this. We even see a consultant at the hospital for it, there is no physical problem that may be causing this.

I'm ashamed to say after she wet the duvet we got her yesterday that I told her to go and find somewhere else to live; I'm not proud of it but unless you've been dealing with what I have every day for 4 years and the endless attempts to get it resolved you just can't understand.

I told her today she will be going to bed every day after dinner this week and won't be allowed to go to her after school club.

If I thought she had no control it would be different but she can stay dry when she wants. She'll stay with grandparents in their house and be totally dry. She can be out with us all day and say she needs a wee and hold it till we find one. So its pure lazy behaviour that causes this.

AIBU with punishing though? I honestly don't know what else I can do. I've tried EVERYTHING and believe me when I say everything I mean it. I've seen health visitors, incontinence nurses, reward charts, ignoring, praising, getting her to wash her own stuff, taking away toys, incentives, bribes, shouting, crying, begging, helping me potty training her siblings, explaining that wetting herself is what causes her never ending soreness down "there", I've had family involved to help, the hospital, teachers, we've done stickers, stars. Over 4 years I don't now know where to turn.

Good good I wouldn't punish her like that, even though the whole situation must be terrible awful for you.

But I certainly would have her back in nappies day and night, and lots of cuddles, and a talk about how its not babyish and things happen for some people easier/quicker than others. And when she can be dry during the day or night consistently she can go back to pants.

Abuse no chance. She's always with me, or at school or Rainbows. Or at her GPs' house. I agree with hairy that it is not a good idea to say that there is no chance of abuse. Unless she is with you 24/7 of course there is. And incontinence can be a sign. You seem sure it's not a factor in this case but in case lurkers are on here...

Is there something about your house/your bathroom she doesn't like? or is scared of? Eg she saw a spider in your bathroom?

Make your life easier and involve her. Talk to her - keep calm, explain it's a problem, you're going to support her but you need her help. No more shouting, but she steps up.

Pull-ups at night. Until she's dry for x nights. Sits on a towel on the sofa during TV. If she wets, she has to go to the loo, clean herself and change and put the towel in the wash. It's up to you if the TV goes off - personally, I'd do this but agree to pause TV if she goes to the loo without wetting.

Reward good behaviour - sticker for a dry afternoon. X stickers = prize.

Put an annual or short stories in the loo.

very tough op, totally understand your frustration but I think you need to look on it as a disability she can't help.

I would also do my own research on top consultants in this field, you know you can choose your own, nhs choice, somewhere they will be someone who can help you, just seeing consultants means nothing if they cant get to the bottom, which they cant. I have seen consultants over many things, and they are not all expert in minuti of each field.

Start to look on it as something she cant help, I would go to nappies, you can get them of course for any age, not mention it in a bad way and seek help, email call and find that specialist.

I wouldn't reward for being dry (yet) as she may well nt be able to do it yet. I'd start with tiny rewards for actuallt going to the toilet when you tell her to, without kicking up a fuss> Then move onto going without being pushed. Then for small chucnks of dry time, gradually getting longer. The single most important thing in using star charts and their like is that it has to be for something the kid can do, not something they don't know how to.

Also agree strongly with the people saying make certain that she's drinking really well and not constipated. And, of course, I'm assuming that you long ago banned bubblebath, and she's not washing her hair in the bath.

who knows maybe something went wrong in potty training?

NOt saying in your case something did, but this is why I am big beliver in not pushing it. there is a kink somewhere and like when potty training, all experts say - back off, dont push it, I would say same applies here, go back to dot!

one more thing op, some people with LD are in nappies for life, or until 20's, so do it and without any stigma, plenty of parents do it for their dc....

I doubt unless abuse its anything physical.

one more thing, op you have already tried everything, its not a problem your getting at with reward stickers its bigger than this.

My DD did this. Turns out she had epilepsy and would wet herself when she had absent seizures.

My DS did exactly this. I let him be. Covered his bed, changed his uniform constantly. Never passed comment except to insist he wear nappies at night and he was dry aged 7.

I don't think she should be punished because she's not being naughty. She needs help. Look at the ERIC website. You'd be surprised quite how many older children have problems with bladder and bowel functions.

Oh dear. You sound at the end of your rope. This must be very difficult for you.

I have a nephew who sounds very similar but he is nearly nine years old. There are investigations into dyspraxia with him. He is very bright, has no physical issues with his bowel and bladder but just hyperfocuses or when he is distracted he doesn't go, or the messages don't get through to his brain.

Your daughter's situation sounds similar. Has she been assessed for any additional needs?

If this is the case, then it really isn't willful behaviour and punishment and stress around her wetting is really counter-productive and pretty futile.

You need a different approach. At her age I would definitely put her in pull-ups at night or padded washable pants, Switch your focus to making her wear them. Perhaps reward her for wearing them. Some children are not dry at night until they are in double figures.

Have you seen the SENCO at school? Can you talk to them about making her go to the loo at each break session or someone physically taking her to the loo? A routine she can learn to keep her bladder relatively empty.

How does she react when she has weed on the sofa or carpet?

Is she sorry or upset?

This sounds very hard but I don't think punishing her is the answer.

Maybe try a vibrating watch which will discreetly remind her to go. Instead of punishing her for wetting you could then reward her every time she responds to the watch by stopping what she's doing and going to the toilet.