I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

[wotoodoo]

My mother has severe mental health problems and overdosed but she does/didnot think it would affect us. It did. We lived on eggshells. It was devastating. I was quiet and withdrawn. She was and is oblivious to the devastation she caused/s because she was and is in denial.

Accept help op for your dc's sakes and do not deny how badly they could be affected by this. Good luck op x

[ghostyslovesheep]

You are being really unreasonable Leaving so I will disengage x quiet dis empowering to have people belittle your experiences

OP I hope you can see past the shock to make this less of a negative experience - maybe you do need support? Take care and don't worry about tomorrow - I'd have a word with your parents though to check what they said

[saucony]

I think some people are spectacularly missing the point. The nursery exaggerated in their referral to social services, thus perpetuating the stigma of being referred for help.

[AnotherCider]

Op, if your DS is a clothes refuser, why don't you dress him in tracksuit bottoms and a long sleeve tshirt for bed? At least then he's dressed approprately for the next day.

[Senpai]

Well why wouldn't you tell them? Does it have to be kept a secret? I don't know about you but when the hell of mental illness entered our lives the schools were the first places I told so they could help keep an eye on my kids for any upsets and changes in behaviour.

Because the world isn't PC land where everyone is understanding of everything. Mental Health issues have a stigma whether you like hearing that or not. If you want to, great. But I'm not sure insisting vulnerable people who might be targeted for having a MH problem is a good idea either. You need a sort of fortitude to deal with the judgement and when you're in the throws of a MH episode, you may not be equipped to handle that.

-

I agree with PP about parents telling nursery and unloading their worries about the kids. I be incredibly shocked if the older kids didn't know what mum was up and it's very possible that they've seen the scars and cuts. The OP may not be actively drawing blood in front of them, but she is self harming in front of them if they can see the wounds and know what's going on. Or maybe one of them managed to sneak a peak. The kids may be talking to their grandparents about what they see and know.

My cousins knew at a very young age that there were nights they had to hide all the pill bottles. It was heart breaking to watch them grow up in that.

It's not the same as watching a parent with cancer struggle. With cancer a child understands it's the illness making their parent tired and vomit.

With a mental illness it's poignantly clear that the person is actively hurting themselves. It takes an adult mind to understand that mental illness makes you act abnormal, but a child sees self harming as a simplistic "Well, then just don't cut yourself". It's hard to explain to a child why they must exert self control when not hitting a sibling but a parent can't use self control to not self harm. They won't understand it until they're an adult. In the mean time they need to be sheltered as much as possible from the stress of knowing their mother hurts herself and one day might actually end up dead from it. I hope SS will help with that and help offer a way for you to get help as well.

[Gizmo2206]

If I was you I would buy new pjs that were actually soft jogging bottoms and a long sleeved soft tshirt for my child to wear to bed, then if it's a battle in the morning he would already be wearing acceptable clothing for nursery (even though your little one will think they are pjs...)

[yankeecandle4]

Generally the "risk" associated with having a parent who is suicidal/unstable/self harming is not a physical one; but an emotional one. No child should have to witness any of the above.

I agree though that the stigma of MH issues certainly does not help matters.

Hope you are getting help OP.

[ishallconquerthat]

You look like you nee a lot of help, and maybe you ds is suffering a lot. I have mh problems myself and sometimes we have to admit we're not coping.

(who the heck takes a "small overdose" and "superficially" cut their arms??? If it was something sosuperficial/small, you wouldn't have had spend a night in hospital!)

[DaimYou]

Forgive me, I am undoubtedly one of the people without a full understanding of MH, but how is it possible to od in a house where you have sole charge of dc a nd not harm them in some way?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Oh dear Leavingsosoon...if only

[saucony]

"I did take a small overdose and superficially cut my arms. It wasn't a suicide attempt. The duty psychiatrist had already made a referral stating this and we'd had a phone call from ss to check in on us."

Based on the correct information, the trained professionals felt the risk did not necessitate further action. The exaggerated referral triggered more input from the SW.

Honestly, schools can be right pain the arses in some cases. Some are beyond fantastic but some are....not.

[SimLondon]

We don't know the nursery manager exaggerated - just that the op believes that. The OP has mental health issues, serious enough to harm herself requiring hospital treatment, it seems entirely feasible that her perception is a tad off right now due her to illness.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I mean this in the gentlest way; it's possible that your dc have been more affected by your illness and actions than you think.

It's possible that nursery has exaggerated for some obscure reason.

It's possible they are seeing things in your dc that you can't/won't.

Perhaps, now that it's done, you can look on this as an opportunity to get help?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I am surprised that posters think that being kept off nursery is the right choice for an unsettled child with a mum who has self harmed recently with him in the house.
I'm not judging you op but of course your child needs his stable routine right now. I'm sure you will feel embarrassed with the staff but this isn't about you.
Also remember that the nursery will be represented at child in need meetings which will allow you the opportunity to explain and explore their worries with them.

[saucony]

Well, as always with MN, we only have one side of the story. I try and take people on face value. I have professional experience of schools not managing SS referrals very well and it damages the relationship between parent and school.

[ohtheholidays]

I hope you've started to feel a bit better now OP,are you getting support now just for you,for what reason you took the tablets and hurt your arms??I hope so.

First off yes do take your LO to nursery,if you don't that could send the social worker into a tail spin and that's not what you need right now.

With your LO and the clothes refusing,have you had any help with that?and the fact that your LO crys when you do the drop off isn't a bad reflection on you,all 5 of my DC would get upset some of them a little bit and one of them alot when I dropped them off.Your little boy just loves him Mummy alot that's all

With the mistakes the social worker has made about what actually happened make sure that they correct those mistakes and get it done as soon as you can,that's really important for yourself and your family.

Do you have support with anything that was going on,is going on?

[Criminy]

I'll admit firstly that I haven't read the whole thread yet, just the first page.

Earlier this year I was an inpatient at a mental health unit for several months. I was obsessed with hurting myself and killing myself. I had tried to kill myself before I went into the unit, & I tried to kill myself while in the unit, as well as lots of episodes of self-harm.

I have 2 DC, and a DH. We haven't heard anything from Social Services. I was half-expecting to, but nope, nothing. So clearly not everyone who displays this sort of behaviour automatically gets referred to SS.

So sorry to hear you're going through this OP, it can and will get better.

[Leavingsosoon]

Blackbird, my child would not go anywhere near a place that lied about him to SS.

[HugAndRoll]

I'm sorry to everyone, I shouldn't have said anything, I'm clearly wrong.

[wotoodoo]

Daim, the self harmer can normalise what they are doing and justify the action in their mind. The self harmer would have little or no appreciation of the emotional damage done to young and vulnerable dependants because they are not in a healthy emotional state themselves and so they would not necessarily recognise or be in a position to deal with emotional distress in others.

[Leavingsosoon]

I agree with you Hug

We can be wrong together :)

I once had a crying fit where I whacked myself across the head several times in front of DC saying what a terrible person/parent I was. Not my finest parenting hour but just the same, hardly a SS referral.

Right now I'm struggling to even change nappies due to stupid wrist (and apologies to you, ghost, I reported my own post straightaway as I admit I was rude; I am really in a lot of pain which is making me short tempered and irritable) - again, SS? Hardly!

[ghostyslovesheep]

I hope your wrist feels better soon Leaving - thank you

[Leavingsosoon]

Thanks for accepting the apology so graciously ghost

so do I re wrist!!

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

That sounds like extremely disturbing behaviour for your children to have witnessed leaving

[Leavingsosoon]

Agreed it wasn't my finest moment, but had it been referred, what could SS have said?