I feel sick about sending Ds to nursery that referred me to SS.

[FlameProofBoots]

I'm a bit worried about posting in AIBU so I've got my flame proof boots and pants on.

AIBU to feel like this?

A couple of weeks ago I hurt myself and had to spend a night in the hospital. I have MH issues and social services have already assessed us and moved on.

My parents took my youngest to nursery on the morning of my hospital stay and told the nursery owner I'd taken an overdose.

The nursery owner made a referral to social services and they've now put us on the 'child in need' bracket and we now have a social worker. The sw went through the referral with me and it was awful.

She's stated that I took an OD and slashed my wrists in front of the children (not true) and then went on to list her other concerns. She mentioned that Ds has been in pjs when I've brought him in (true, he's a clothes refuser and twice I've had to bring him in pjs or not go at all) and that as he is often distressed at drop off time he is emotionally disturbed by my illness. She also said that she has tried to talk to me and dh about this but we've blanked her. This is categorically not true.

Basically she's added 2+2 and come up with about 500. It's all conjecture (she must have heard 'overdose' and gone into overdrive) and linking things that have nothing to do with it.

The sw is going to talk to all three kids at school and then go from there. He went through the referral and amended and made notes as we spoke so I'm hopeful the whole thing will blow over.

Tomorrow is ds's first day back there since I read the referral and I'm feeling sick about seeing her when she obviously thinks I'm a suicidal abusive horror. There's every chance I'll be taking him in pjs again as he refused clothes at home today and she'll be judging me, even though they've previously said bringing him in pjs is fine.

This has rocked me a lot and I feel like hiding away and never facing her again, but Ds loves nursery and they are good in lots of ways.

How can I deal with this?

[HugAndRoll]

The thing is gamer, the majority of people wouldn't. I agree, if someone isn't coping with any illness with children, they should be referred for appropriate support.

With mental illness though, there is still a massive stigma, and people still believe that it's a choice to have these issues. It really isn't. I'm sure if it was one of the examples I gave, the nursery would have been really supportive, asked what they could do to help, and probably even sent a get well soon card!

[hazeyjane]

Social services are there to support the child, and being a 'child in need' can mean many different thing - including being a young carer of a disabled or ill parent (whether that illness is mental health issues or medical needs).

I know your children haven't witnessed your self harming, but it can be a frightening thing to grow up with.

If the nursery have made stuff up, then you need to sit with them and discuss the issues - if they are a good nursery, they should want to work with you and social services for the best interest of your children.

I really wish you and your children all the luck in the world, and hope that you get appropriate support.

[Senpai]

They probably don't think you're abusive per say, but from what you wrote I could see how those are red flags and worth checking into. It doesn't seem like they're checking in for abuse but to make sure that your children who are flagged as "at risk" are doing alright.

All they have to go on is your child while he is in their care. If he looks distraught and not coming in dressed they may worry about his life at home.

People with mental illnesses do have the potential to get wrapped up in their illness and spend less attention on their children. I'm not saying this is happening with you, but if I were in her shoes I would file a report based on that information as well.

I have cousins who grew up with a mentally ill and suicidal mother and there were no resources for them. They grew up maladjusted and I'm sure they wished there was some sort of intervention. Don't underestimate how much your children actually understand, especially the older ones.

I would think of it this way, they obviously have your son's best interests at heart. While you may not personally like them, in that respect you are on the same team.

[HugAndRoll]

InSpace "Because hugs, some people with MH problems do harm their children. People having chemo generally do not."

Actually, people with MH don't generally harm their children either. Most child abusers do not have any MH issues at all. Some people who have cancer and are having chemo could be complete cunts and regularly neglect their children.

My point is, a blanket judgement shouldn't be made. It ALWAYS is with mental health. (No hyperbole, try living with a mental health condition.)

[DaimYou]

The nursery haven't said the children are at risk, they've reported some concerns. SS will decide if the children are at risk.

[Leavingsosoon]

Spot on again Hug

[hazeyjane]

But hug, Flame said that she hadn't told the nursery about her illness - so you can't know how they would react to knowing that there were mental health issues in the family. (Well apart from how they have reacted to being told that Flame od'ed and was in hospital)

[NerrSnerr]

Hugs- it's not just about people harming their kids or being bad to them. It's about supporting people who need help with their children. People who are saying that the nursery were right to refer are not saying the OP is bad and will hurt her children, just that she might need some extra help at the moment.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

I also grew up with a relative with severe MH problems. She was not aware what a terrible and lasting effect it had on us children. People with MH issues need to take all the help on offer

[saucony]

It's worth remember that people with a mental illness are far more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17182626

[TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee]

DSis is a single Mum. She took a major overdose in front of her toddler. She was unconscious by the time I got there, she coded in the amount and again in a&e, and was in a coma for 3 days.

I looked after DNeph as well as my own DDs (3 under 4, I'm also a single parent) (whilst dealing with my own bipolar/anxiety disorder) for 3 weeks.

Know what SS did? Fuck all. Know what the hospital did? Fuck all. No psych help, nothing.

3 years on and I'm still fucking fuming that she was offered no help or support. I'd been breaking myself physically and mentally to help her since shed had DNeph whilst dealing with my own stuff. SS told me to hand DNeph back to DSis. I was fucking terrified - all I could think was what if she'd died, and hed been alone with her body for days? It still haunts me now.

Either the Nursery have massively exaggerated what your parents said or you're minimising the incident (which is common) - I don't know which. Just be grateful they're taking an interest and may well offer you decent support.

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

I'm not talking about child abuse hug. I'm referring to severely depressed individuals who have taken their own and their children's lives.

[QuiteLikely5]

Op send your son to nursery. Child in need is no where near as bad as being on a child protection plan.

All they are doing is taking a look at your circumstances, checking your support, checking the school attendance etc.

Don't fight against them. Work with them. Demonstrate that your trying to help yourself in your recovery.

They will then come and see where your at in a few weeks and more than likely shut your case.

[HugAndRoll]

hazey Why should she tell the nursery about her illness? I don't understand why that's an issue, should I tell my children's school I have mental health issues? Where is the line drawn, do I tell them I have coeliac disease too?

Nerr I agree with you. I'm writing to those who have clutched their pearls at the mention of self harm.

[ghostyslovesheep]

Hugs why do you think SS want to harm people? Maybe they want to support people like the OP and THEIR CHILDREN - maybe they need help

and stop with your assumptions that no one disagreeing with you has no direct experience of mental health issues - it's daft

[Leavingsosoon]

And they would help ... how, ghost?

[hazeyjane]

I am not saying that she should tell the nursery about her illness - that is entirely up to her! I was responding to when you said

I'm sure if it was one of the examples I gave, the nursery would have been really supportive, asked what they could do to help, and probably even sent a get well soon card!

All I was saying was that, the first that nursery hear about any issues, is what Flame's parents tell them, and that you can't extrapolate from Flame's posts, how supportive nursery are.

[yorkshapudding]

I work with children and families. If it came to my attention that one of the parents I work with had cut themselves (however superficial the injury) and taken an overdose (however small) while their DC were in the house (whether thet witnessed it or not) I would have no choice but to make a referral to SS. I can completely understand you being upset that some of the details on the referral were incorrect or exaggerated but they have done the right thing by reporting their concerns and I don't think they were wrong to be concerned.

[gamerchick]

hazey Why should she tell the nursery about her illness? I don't understand why that's an issue, should I tell my children's school I have mental health issues? Where is the line drawn, do I tell them I have coeliac disease too?

Well why wouldn't you tell them? Does it have to be kept a secret? I don't know about you but when the hell of mental illness entered our lives the schools were the first places I told so they could help keep an eye on my kids for any upsets and changes in behaviour.

[ghostyslovesheep]

Leavingsosoon oh I don't know - maybe the way they helped my family 18mths ago when they where involved with us - through family therapy, CAMHS support, working with school and me, 1-1 support for me and lots of kindness and encouragement?

[wotoodoo]

Op what is your relationship like with your parents? It sounds as if what they said has spiralled this. It sounds as if they are very worried about you indeed. The nursery staff are also worried about you. They just want to protect your dc from pyschological harm and distress.

You say it was a small overdose and superficial cuts on your arms. But the fact you are overdosing and self harming while being responsible for young dc would set alarm bells off precisely because you are not looking after (in fact harming however mildly in your mind) yourself. And if you are not able to look after yourself and keep yourself out of harms way, how are you expected to look after young, vulnerable dependants and keep them out of harms way?

How could ss, the nursery staff or your dh be able to ascertain your state of mind enough to say, oh yes, this was not a suicide attempt children, don't worry? Children pick up on things even if you don't think they do. Have you ever thought they might have witnessed you self harming? Or seen you in distress? I think you would be very naiive to think they have not picked up on this and may be the nursery have been aware of this first hand and seen the effects.

I am sorry to say op but you seem to be in complete denial about the affect your health and ability to parent is having on your dc, the nursery staff and your parents.

I am glad you are cooperating with the ss and the nursery to try and normalise the lives for your dc which must have been very distressing for them. Op I think you are on the right track to hold your head high, accept the help for your dc and for yourself and to acknowledge everyone has yours and your dcs best interests at heart.

[Leavingsosoon]

Ah, CAHMs, yes, the answer to all our prayers

[ghostyslovesheep]

well they where to me and my 11 year old who attempted suicide and was hearing voices yes

[hazeyjane]

Leaving, stop being so unpleasant.

There is support out there, and no it isn't perfect, and there isn't enough of it, but there are people who work in nurseries, social services, CAMHS etc who do want to help and support children and their families.