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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Offering a bed to distant relatives in law??

131 replies

tootsietoo · 12/10/2015 12:20

I don't think I'm being unreasonable and DH doesn't either, so there is no drama but I am curious as to how many might have done differently from me.

FIL has connections with some very distant New Zealand relatives. When I say distant, I mean that DH has no idea how they are related, he thinks it's via some family about 100 years ago who moved to NZ, so 3-4 generations back. It's the sort of thing FIL does, very nice too. DH has never met them. They are visiting the UK and are in our area this week and need a place to stay on Thursday night. DH is away overnight on Thurs, but asked me whether I would be willing to have them to stay. My instant reaction was no! I really really don't fancy it. I work from home, so making up the spare bed and getting a meal ready wouldn't be a big deal, but Thursday is swimming + Beavers night so I would be out with the children from 4pm-7.30pm. So they would either have to be in the house on their own or arrive late-ish and I wouldn't be available to "entertain them" until about 8. And I can't bear the idea of having strangers to stay and having to talk to them for the evening! DDs are aged 7 and 9 - I don't think it's ideal having strangers in the house with just me and the DDs. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but the fact DH has asked has made me feel as if I should be more friendly!

I am curious as to whether any of you would say yes to this? Just off out for a few hours, so won't reply till I'm back!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2015 09:55

So someone asking a favour is an automatic reason for refusing?

OnlyLovers · 13/10/2015 09:58

No, but this particular 'favour' is a cheeky and rude one IMO. It's not his house and they're very distant relatives. And would he be so free with his offers if it was him who had to meet and entertain/feed these guests and make them comfortable while also dealing with young children?

iamanintrovert · 13/10/2015 10:01

No. Because they are strangers and you are the only adult in the house with two children.

ThatsDissapointing · 13/10/2015 10:05

MN is such a funny place. . Having ransoms stay overnight in your house while your DH is away gets a YES but letting the ID wielding meter reader come in for a moment to glance at your meter gets a resounding HELL NO

I'm a yes to the meter reader but a no to the NZ'ers

trixymalixy · 13/10/2015 10:06

I would say yes, but be dreading it. However would probably enjoy it once they arrived.

I've realised that the things I regret are the things I don't do, because I give in to the introvert in me.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2015 10:08

"No, but this particular 'favour' is a cheeky and rude one IMO. It's not his house and they're very distant relatives. And would he be so free with his offers if it was him who had to meet and entertain/feed these guests and make them comfortable while also dealing with young children?"

He didn't offer. He asked. Which is entirely reasonable. and the OP said that this is the sort of thing that the fil concerned does all the time.

thelittleredhen · 13/10/2015 10:11

If I had spent some time with these people and I had gotten on with them and then they said "we're not sure what we're doing Thursday evening", then I might be inclined to say "I have the space, come and stay with us".

But this way around, I'd say no. You really do not know who these people are and it's essentially inviting a guy you met online to come and stay with you and your family.

Gruach · 13/10/2015 10:21

My family has so many legendary, never met, distant relatives who might, out of the blue, ring, or email, or phone from the airport. It's fun.

And OP surely your FIL's relatives are your children's relatives? Are you really not the least bit curious? We're always saying things like "that child is exactly like Great Uncle So&So who used to ..." In a way it's what makes the world for us.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2015 10:35

"And OP surely your FIL's relatives are your children's relatives?"

No, not on mumsnet. On mumsnet, descent is through the female line only. "Family" means nuclear family only. Nobody can possibly do anything else if they have "children to sort out". And the second somebody you don't know steps over your threshold they become mad axe murderers. Be they meter readers or 3rd Cousin Bill from Aukland.

RhodaBull · 13/10/2015 10:46

Well, I might say yes but I'd want a little more information first on who was coming. I agree that Swimming and Beavers should not enter the equation.

I was talked at by a retired couple at an airport once who droned on about their world travels. They talked very enthusiastically about travelling light with one pair of drip-dry trousers each and how they were managing to stay with friends and relatives everywhere. Dh and I still nearly 20 years later talk with horror about the drip-dry couple and how people's hearts must sink when they turn up.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 13/10/2015 10:47

I'm an introvert, in that I need plenty of time to myself to recharge. I'm not antisocial though, or inhospitable.

I would have these people to stay - you say you have the space and that it won't be much extra work.

I think it is good to show our children how to be generous and welcoming, and not to set up unnecessary boundaries 'just because'.

And you never know OP, if in ten years time one of your DC decides to do some kind of gap year/travel in NZ, you might be very glad to receive the offer of a bed for them for a couple of nights.

maybebabybee · 13/10/2015 10:54

Another introvert here. Yes this kind of thing is an introvert's worst nightmare but then so is a lot of my daily existence, like going to the kitchen at work to get a cup of tea when it's full of people from other teams.

OnlyLovers · 13/10/2015 10:56

this is the sort of thing that the fil concerned does all the time.

Another strike against him, IMO.

villainousbroodmare · 13/10/2015 12:06

I'm very interested to know how the No side met their OHs, friends etc. Seems like it would be tricky.

OnlyLovers · 13/10/2015 12:10

Through mutual friends, work, shared activities...

I'm racking my brains, but I don't think anyone's ever become a significant person in my life after flying thousands of miles and coming to stay at my house pretty much arbitrarily.

queenoftheboys · 13/10/2015 12:11

I have been on the receiving end of this sort of hospitality and I always so appreciated it when it was offered. When you're so far away from home it's actually lovely to have a break from impersonal hotels and stay with a family in their home.

I think the positives of saying yes in this situation far outweigh the negatives - your children get to meet their relatives, you (or DC) might need a bed in the future in N Z, you're doing a nice thing for someone, you might meet wonderful people, you're teaching your children to be generous and open to new experiences...It's a definite yes from me.

laureywilliams · 13/10/2015 12:14

Really villainous?! I'm firmly in the no camp but have managed to meet my dh, make many good friends and interesting/unusual acquaintances all over the world.

All without having a total stranger sleeping in my house, it was easy!

Original poster

tootsietoo · 13/10/2015 12:57

Ah, thanks for more replies! I've just called DH (he has been away for the last few days again!) to apologise for being antisocial and to say of course they can come if they need a bed, but they are sorted and booked into a pub. However, he has been running around organising trips for them on Friday, booking them into said pub AND he is going with them on the trips on Friday, and he is tearing his hair out sorting it whilst really busy as well as giving up a precious day on Friday to go! I've told him he is a better person than I am and that the sun will shine on him forever, but he said he wishes he wasn't! FIL does do this to him every so often - call and ask him to do something which is a BIG ask considering he is always flat out busy, and he will never say no to his dad. I think DH is a good person doing this stuff but I wish his DF would have a bit more restraint when it comes to offering his son's favours. And I feel guilty now for not doing my bit. Grrrr.

OP posts:

PeopleLieActionsDont · 13/10/2015 13:06

Don't feel guilty. I think you would he mad to let total strangers stay when you are the only adult in the house and have kids.

Even if you know them to be decent people, they are still strangers. Fil has no business foisting them on you. I get really mad when other people try to volunteer my time or space for things that they want and I would have said no too!

2rebecca · 13/10/2015 13:42

As the NZ couple are currently in the UK have plenty of time as they're on holiday and they presumably speak English why aren't they the ones booking themselves in to a pub and deciding which trips they want to do whilst they're in the area and booking them? having a busy working man do it just because he's a few miles nearer makes no sense to me.

OnlyLovers · 13/10/2015 13:45

Yes, your DH needs to stand up for himself (and for you) and tell his father where to get off.

That aside, though, good result!

2rebecca · 13/10/2015 13:52

I wonder if the NZ couple are spending their evenings on an NZ mumsnet complaining about the old bloke who is a distant relative and has started micromanaging their much planned European holiday and dragging his relatives in to the "project" and how they're not getting 5 minutes to themselves!

Original poster

tootsietoo · 13/10/2015 13:58

2rebecca I was wondering the same thing! Their family (FIL particularly) does have this extremely strong "duty" ethic that drives him to do things like this that I don't understand and can't quite explain articulately here. DH has it too although having been married to me for 10 years is losing it a little bit!! DH is the toughest person you'll come across when it comes to his work, but when it comes to his family I have learnt that I need to stand up for us because he will go to great lengths to keep them all happy!

OP posts:

LadyLuck81 · 13/10/2015 14:23

I'm not introverted in the slightest bit. If you're happy to have total strangers in your home while you have to child wrangle without the support of your OH bully for you. It would not be a good idea with my kids.

Doesn't make me inhospitable it makes me someone who puts my needs first. If is even met them once and knew I'd get on with them I'd crack on but not a total unknown quantity.

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2015 14:45

The children are 7 and 9, ffs! Surely not that much wrangling involved?

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