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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offering a bed to distant relatives in law??

131 replies

tootsietoo · 12/10/2015 12:20

I don't think I'm being unreasonable and DH doesn't either, so there is no drama but I am curious as to how many might have done differently from me.

FIL has connections with some very distant New Zealand relatives. When I say distant, I mean that DH has no idea how they are related, he thinks it's via some family about 100 years ago who moved to NZ, so 3-4 generations back. It's the sort of thing FIL does, very nice too. DH has never met them. They are visiting the UK and are in our area this week and need a place to stay on Thursday night. DH is away overnight on Thurs, but asked me whether I would be willing to have them to stay. My instant reaction was no! I really really don't fancy it. I work from home, so making up the spare bed and getting a meal ready wouldn't be a big deal, but Thursday is swimming + Beavers night so I would be out with the children from 4pm-7.30pm. So they would either have to be in the house on their own or arrive late-ish and I wouldn't be available to "entertain them" until about 8. And I can't bear the idea of having strangers to stay and having to talk to them for the evening! DDs are aged 7 and 9 - I don't think it's ideal having strangers in the house with just me and the DDs. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but the fact DH has asked has made me feel as if I should be more friendly!

I am curious as to whether any of you would say yes to this? Just off out for a few hours, so won't reply till I'm back!

OP posts:
Welshmaenad · 12/10/2015 13:07

No. Absolutely no. I hate having people to stay, and they're perfect strangers. I can't think of anything more hellish.

If my DH knew them and wanted them to stay I'd not prevent it, and would be hospitable, but he would have to rearrange his work schedule to be there to host. On my own? Fuck no. And I actually think it's unreasonable to ask someone to host compete strangers just because there's some tenuous family link, generations old, to their husband. What if they're complete tossers?? Ugh. No.

RaspberryOverload · 12/10/2015 13:18

Welshmaenad

I agree with your comments. If DP had some distant relatives wanting to come and stay, I'd expect him to be the main host as it's his family.

Besides, surely the NZ rellies are going to want to meet their own distant rellies, not the rellies spouses, etc.

MissEeerie · 12/10/2015 13:21

I would say no, but I can't stand people.

AnneElliott · 12/10/2015 13:22

I would say yes, but we often have people staying in our spare rooms, so it wouldn't be all that different!

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 12/10/2015 13:23

I am an introvert so would find this uncomfortable myself.

OnlyLovers · 12/10/2015 13:23

I'd say yes no problem if my DP were there, but if he was away overnight and it was up to me to prepare for them, look after them and clear up after they'd gone I'd say no.

Ihatechoosingnames · 12/10/2015 13:23

I'd say no, but I am another who can't stand anyone staying, let alone in laws who are strangers to me and DH! No way.

sal47 · 12/10/2015 13:50

I would say - apologies but you are busy that evening. If you are like me you are busy enough that evening and its not easy when there is just one of you. If they want to visit for a cup of tea when its more convenient I would offer that.

Bambambini · 12/10/2015 14:15

I'd have said yes. I've stayed at folks houses I didn't know and my mum put up friends of mine whom she had never met even when I wasn't there.

Inertia · 12/10/2015 14:40

I would only say yes if DH were willing to change his plans, rearrange his overnight stay and do the catering and housekeeping for his family. I'll happily host family members that I know at a time that works for everyone, but this all smacks of your time and your children's activities being regarded as irrelevant .

2rebecca · 12/10/2015 14:47

I agree that as they are your husband's relatives and he's not going to be there at all and you have plans for the evening then just saying "sorry it's not convenient on that night" would be fine. It's not as though they're checking when would be a convenient time to come or anything. I presume that if you don't suggest they can maybe stay with you they would be staying elsewhere anyway.
I would be highly pissed off if someone had already offered MY hospitality for that particular night.
If it's inconvenient just don't offer.

Original poster
tootsietoo · 12/10/2015 14:51

I am surprised at the number of yeses! And pleased to know there are many friendlier more hospitable people than me out there! But I am still a Hell No, and reassured that I'm not that odd in feeling that way. I'd be absolutely fine about it if he was there, but not on my own.

Sadly he can't rearrange the trip away, I'm sure he would if he could as he will do a lot to keep his father happy! I think FIL probably has met them, but possibly not for 35 years! DH is certainly not expecting me to have them, I don't think he expected me to say yet but tried his luck anyway!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 12/10/2015 15:01

I would say yes but we do have a fairly large house with a comfortable spare room and own bathroom.

We have been offered hospitality by friends/distant relatives when travelling overseas - even by people we don't know who we just got chatting to in a restaurant. It's great for meeting new people and having new experiences but I understand it doesn't suit everyone. My DH works overseas a lot and we have had many different visitors .............. involving some quite unique experiences. Grin.

Adarajames · 12/10/2015 15:14

I'm another yes, have had occasional possibly related but never met before staying over, along with various friends of fiends who ended up staying for ages without issue, and occasional airbnb, and I've quite enjoyed it, even though I'm totally antisocial and have had to really make an effort to do it, having been very very nervous / worried about it before hand

whois · 12/10/2015 15:17

I would say yes. One day your children might need a bed in NZ :-)

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2015 15:20

Yes of course!

Rainbunny · 12/10/2015 15:20

It depends I think. In the circumstances you've described I would probably say no. I think it's a bit last minute, you've got a lot going on and your DH isn't even going to be home.

I might still say yes if I had a lot of extra room. We live in a tiny apartment currently and even good friends staying can be a strain as we are all sort of on top of each other, so having strangers in a small space would be even worse IMO. On the other hand, you may get along like a house on fire and who knows, if you're ever in their neck of the woods one day...

I would think they would prefer a hotel to be honest over staying in a stranger's home especially when the actual blood relative (your DH) won't be around. I expect they were prepared to stay in a hotel but then your FIL offered them your hospitality! YANBU to say no or yes!

Bejeena · 12/10/2015 15:21

I am a no, if they can afford airfare from new Zealand theb a b and b for the night must be within reach. But then I would also never ever ask or expect to stay with anyone either a hotel gives you freedom and comfort to relax

Sansoora · 12/10/2015 15:27

I would say yes. In fact I never say no to a visitor, stranger or not. If someone wants someone to stay, thats it, they are welcome.

SheGotAllDaMoves · 12/10/2015 15:27

I would say yes as it's only one night and if they don't arrive til 8pm you will only need to feed them and then show them the guest room.

MissingPanda · 12/10/2015 16:19

So your fil has invited people who may be related to stay with you. That would annoy me on its own. I'd say no, other people may be comfortable with having complete strangers rock up to stay but I'm not one of them. If you're not then you have the right to say no too. If anyone (thinking about your fil here...possibly) tries to make you feel bad for saying no then they are the one in the wrong.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2015 16:24

"I think FIL probably has met them, but possibly not for 35 years!"
He's very free with your hospitality then.

WimpyArseWanks · 12/10/2015 16:28

I would say no, I'm very set in my ways and it would be a big deal for me to have strangers in the house.

MaxPepsi · 12/10/2015 16:30

I'm another Yes but totally understand the no's.

Even with DH away I'd say yes, but I've got a large dog, family close by and good neighbours so I'd feel more than safe.
I'd plan on taking them out or something and would ask them to stay longer but I love entertaining!

iwantgin · 12/10/2015 16:33

No. What would be the point of them coming if DH, who is the actual relative, won't be there.

Perhaps you could locate some good value b&b accommodation for them. Meet for a coffee? IMO that's as much as you need to do.

I don't like to stay over in people's houses, even family. Much more freedom in a hotel.