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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offering a bed to distant relatives in law??

131 replies

tootsietoo · 12/10/2015 12:20

I don't think I'm being unreasonable and DH doesn't either, so there is no drama but I am curious as to how many might have done differently from me.

FIL has connections with some very distant New Zealand relatives. When I say distant, I mean that DH has no idea how they are related, he thinks it's via some family about 100 years ago who moved to NZ, so 3-4 generations back. It's the sort of thing FIL does, very nice too. DH has never met them. They are visiting the UK and are in our area this week and need a place to stay on Thursday night. DH is away overnight on Thurs, but asked me whether I would be willing to have them to stay. My instant reaction was no! I really really don't fancy it. I work from home, so making up the spare bed and getting a meal ready wouldn't be a big deal, but Thursday is swimming + Beavers night so I would be out with the children from 4pm-7.30pm. So they would either have to be in the house on their own or arrive late-ish and I wouldn't be available to "entertain them" until about 8. And I can't bear the idea of having strangers to stay and having to talk to them for the evening! DDs are aged 7 and 9 - I don't think it's ideal having strangers in the house with just me and the DDs. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but the fact DH has asked has made me feel as if I should be more friendly!

I am curious as to whether any of you would say yes to this? Just off out for a few hours, so won't reply till I'm back!

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 12/10/2015 20:59

Really ? Making up a bed and double dinner ? Is that really so hard ? How would you feel when your kids are 18-25 travelling, would you rather they were in a 'distant' family home or some nondescript motel/flee pit ? Come on OP, it's ONE evening out of your life. Even if they are raving loons its 6 hrs at the most to show human kindness to another. Take a chance, worst is you never want to see them again but the best could be lovely people who give you a great connection to NZ and you DH past family history.

Sansoora · 12/10/2015 21:03

I'd definitely say yes, and I have a tiny house.
I'd also skip the swimming and the Beavers, get a couple of bottles of wine in, and hope for a night hearing their New Zealand stories. Wouldn't cook, as I'm usually too tired for anything fancy after a long day at work, but would suggest we all got a takeaway together.

Spot on.

Sansoora · 12/10/2015 21:16

sorry.

We still laugh at the night a french businessman stayed here and my son, he's severely autistic, got up in the middle of the night and went to sleep with one of his brothers. He was 20 at the time, and he jumped into bed with the guest before saying something like - hey, what you playing at man, you're not DB!!!!!!! He was most put out!!! The guest took it all in his stride and because I was only about 6 steps behind my son I was able to deal with the situation. It was really funny and we still bring up the night DS jumped into bed with the French businessman.

Then there is the other night we'd just moved into our new house and we literally had to sleep on mattresses on the floor. My husband had invited another French businessman to stay and stay he did. We had a takeaway and this CEO of an international household name company had a take away with us and was given a mattress to sleep on in the guest room. He said it was the best night he'd had in ages and we still remember the French and Arabic lessons we had over dinner. We all learned so much that night.

I love impromptu guests . In lots of ways they're the best kind.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 12/10/2015 21:32

How many are coming? Do you have any family who can stay as well to help you? (obviously if your house is big enough!) Personally I'd try to find out if they're going to be entitled-pains-in-the-butt - if so I'd say no!...unless you want to start an entertaining brass neck thread afterwards for us all to enjoy Wink Grin

DeepBlueLake · 12/10/2015 21:46

Be a yes from me, it's for one night and it might be interesting hear about their life in NZ etc. I wouldn't skip beavers or swimming though and make it clear to them you won't be in until 8pm.

laureywilliams · 12/10/2015 21:49

Neither of you has ever met them.

I get the impression you know nothing of them and are not in touch with them either (correct me if I'm wrong).

So that's a no from me.

I would no more pick someone up off the street and have them stay in my house.

Original poster
tootsietoo · 12/10/2015 21:53

Just to clarify, it would be little effort on the domestic front, that is not my issue. I do indeed feel mean spirited, but I can't get away from the fact that my heart sinks at the thought of having a couple of random Kiwis being in my house when I get home and having to talk to them after a long day when I am tired and wanting to get a million and one other things sorted. I am aware that this is completely rubbish of me and that they might be lovely and it could end up being good fun. I often try to squash this introverted part of me, but right now I really don't feel like psyching myself up to be a pretend extrovert! It's also the difference between his family and mine. His family are all about a huge Eastenders-style faaaaamly. My family are me, my DB, parents and that's it!

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 12/10/2015 21:55

If I had the space and it was only for one night I'd say yes.
My sister and cousins were on the opposite side of this as young women travelling in Oz and my Grandmothers friends couldn't have been more welcoming. They'd never met them either but it didn't matter.

Smartiepants79 · 12/10/2015 21:57

Are you ever planning a trip to New Zealand?
Just a thought, a little bit of good will about things like this can win you brownie points and return trips!!

SilverHawk · 12/10/2015 21:58

Just talk about the rugby. That's why they're over here isn't it?
Send them to the nearest pub showing the games. Then get some take aways, easy Grin

LittleBairn · 12/10/2015 22:03

No I don't allow strangers to stay overnight in my home.

Gruach · 12/10/2015 22:05

I would say yes, absolutely.

But as they're complete strangers and your DH is away I would get a friend to come and stay overnight as well - just so you have some support if things go awry or the visitors turn out to be seriously weird.

Hosting guests is just as important for children's development as Beavers and swimming surely? You don't have to be an extrovert. Just yourself. And your children will want a bed on the other side of the world one day!

DramaAlpaca · 12/10/2015 22:10

I'd be saying no.

And I did say no when my cousin asked me if I'd be able to host some long lost mutual cousins of ours from Australia who happened to be visiting. I'm introverted and need my own space, and although I enjoy having friends round I don't like having them staying overnight in my house. There was no way I could've coped with having total strangers around.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 12/10/2015 22:16

Any chance mumsnet is topheavy in introverts? Hmmmmm

Ask yourself this.....

In 10 years time will you remember the night the kiwis came to stay or that special night you went to beavers and swimming? Really?

Yes, I work full time and this would be a whole lot of hassle for me too and in my head I'd moan and groan about it and I'd prefer no hassle, but in hindsight it'd be a night I'd actually remember specifically, whether it turns out for good or for bad...

fakenamefornow · 12/10/2015 23:04

Tell you what op, if we happen to be in the same part of the country they can stay with me at my house. I'm in the South West. PM me if it's any use.

2rebecca · 12/10/2015 23:15

I suspect my kids when travelling would rather stay in a backpackers place or hostel rather than with distant relatives they've never met and have to make polite concentration rather than chat to their friends on the internet. They'd probably have at least 1 friend with them anyway. I don't get this enthusiasm for staying with random strangers. If I've been doing the tourist thing all day I quite like chilling out with a drink and a book in the evening.

Scarletforya · 12/10/2015 23:23

Oh my God, NO

A bunch of random freeloaders invading your house for 24 hours when the men responsible for bringing this shower on top of you are not even home?

No, nay, never. I'm gobsmacked at the amount of (sorry) mugs saying yes!Confused

slithytove · 12/10/2015 23:30

No way

ArcheryAnnie · 12/10/2015 23:35

I'd say yes if I thought the flat was tidy enough that I could stand it!

I like my space and my privacy, but one night isn't a big deal, it helps someone out at little cost to yourself, it might be interesting, and you never know when you or your kids might need a friendly face the other side of the world.

Dieu · 13/10/2015 01:50

It's one night of your life.

Dieu · 13/10/2015 01:52

And I'm an introvert too, but wouldn't use it as an excuse never to go out of my way/comfort zone for someone else.

TiredOfFamilyPolitics · 13/10/2015 08:03

I'd say yes if we had the space. Mainly because if my DC were ever to travel in their country and had problems, there would be someone to call to help!

BertrandRussell · 13/10/2015 09:15

Is being a self diagnosed introvert a free pass not to do anything you don't want to? Or is that just on Mumsnet.........

Sansoora · 13/10/2015 09:33

No, nay, never. I'm gobsmacked at the amount of (sorry) mugs saying yes!

Why did you feel the need to call people a mug when others have managed to post without being rude?

Would you like it if people who said they would host the family called you a wierdo for saying no?

OnlyLovers · 13/10/2015 09:54

your fil has asked it of you

For me that would be a reason to say no. How dare he offer hospitality on someone else's behalf?