Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Offering a bed to distant relatives in law??

131 replies

tootsietoo · 12/10/2015 12:20

I don't think I'm being unreasonable and DH doesn't either, so there is no drama but I am curious as to how many might have done differently from me.

FIL has connections with some very distant New Zealand relatives. When I say distant, I mean that DH has no idea how they are related, he thinks it's via some family about 100 years ago who moved to NZ, so 3-4 generations back. It's the sort of thing FIL does, very nice too. DH has never met them. They are visiting the UK and are in our area this week and need a place to stay on Thursday night. DH is away overnight on Thurs, but asked me whether I would be willing to have them to stay. My instant reaction was no! I really really don't fancy it. I work from home, so making up the spare bed and getting a meal ready wouldn't be a big deal, but Thursday is swimming + Beavers night so I would be out with the children from 4pm-7.30pm. So they would either have to be in the house on their own or arrive late-ish and I wouldn't be available to "entertain them" until about 8. And I can't bear the idea of having strangers to stay and having to talk to them for the evening! DDs are aged 7 and 9 - I don't think it's ideal having strangers in the house with just me and the DDs. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but the fact DH has asked has made me feel as if I should be more friendly!

I am curious as to whether any of you would say yes to this? Just off out for a few hours, so won't reply till I'm back!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 12/10/2015 16:44

It's midweek though and the OP said she works from home not that she's a SAHM. Some people have to do actual work on those days so extra people in your home doesn't work any more than if they came and hung around your office elsewhere. If you've got to work you've got to work. Other people especially strangers hanging around your workplace isn't sensible.

HicDraconis · 12/10/2015 17:49

The airfare nz-uk-nz is horrendous. I wouldn't assume that because they can afford it, they can therefore afford a b&b - they may have budgeted and saved for years to be able to pay for tickets. NZ salaries are much lower than uk too.

I'd say yes, but then I live in NZ and know how expensive it is to get here :) I'd always host a distant relative, a friend's friend (even if I didn't know them myself) - had a complete stranger to stay for a few days the other week and we all got on so well that he's now a friend too.

Can't believe the number of people who'd say no!

OnlyLovers · 12/10/2015 17:57

Hic, the OP has good reasons for saying no. Good reasons for HER, anyway, even if you wouldn't agree.

She's busy and values any quiet downtime she can get. Nothing wrong with that.

fakenamefornow · 12/10/2015 18:02

I'd say yes. We've had quite a few strangers stay with us for a couple of nights though. Every one of them has been lovely and we've never had any problems with them.

I remember once we were all in my eldest daughters bedroom while a Mexican man who stayed with us played Greensleeves on his violin for us.

sleeponeday · 12/10/2015 18:03

I would, definitely. Puts some goodwill in the bank for your own family, as has been said.

Catsize · 12/10/2015 18:14

I would do it, and it could be an interesting evening for your DDs, learning about how things are done over there etc. They would get more out of that than an evening of Beavers etc., I would have thought.

Runningupthathill82 · 12/10/2015 18:36

I'd definitely say yes, and I have a tiny house.
I'd also skip the swimming and the Beavers, get a couple of bottles of wine in, and hope for a night hearing their New Zealand stories. Wouldn't cook, as I'm usually too tired for anything fancy after a long day at work, but would suggest we all got a takeaway together.

As a pp said, who knows - your children may want somewhere to stay in NZ in the future.

I'm a sociable, friendly type of person though. DH, on the other hand, could probably think of nothing worse than entertaining long lost relatives, so I can understand the Nos.

rookiemere · 12/10/2015 18:40

I would say yes, but would dial back the hospitality from that of a known and cherished relative.

So sheets on the bed for them to make up and ask them to strip the beds the next day, give them instructions on how and when to bung pizzas in the oven for dinner and I'd continue with usual DC activities. If you find them wearing then go to bed at 9-9.30 so you only need to see them for a couple of hours tops.
I find Antipodean travellers to be fairly used to self sufficiency anyway.

Personally I'd much rather stay in a hotel than with some random far flung relatives, but nowt as queer as folk.

HicDraconis · 12/10/2015 18:44

OnlyLovers I'm sure everyone who would say no has very good reasons - for them - I'm just surprised there are so many.

LadyNym · 12/10/2015 18:53

I'm with you, OP! Then again, I seriously doubt DH would even ask me and would have declined anyway. He knows me and he would hate to have strangers in the house if he was about.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2015 19:01

I'm a no, no and thrice no and can't understand the yesses Confused

chitofftheshovel · 12/10/2015 19:08

When I was a kid my mum ran the house as a b & b - I totally loved having lots of different people in the house, from all over the world, and all walks of life. I think it has helped shape who I am now. Your kids may love it (but yy to ensuring they become low maintenance by asking them to strip beds/help out - in my experience most people asking favours of distant relatives will want to help out)

Eva50 · 12/10/2015 19:10

I'm a definite no. The only person that has ever stayed here is my Mother.

chitofftheshovel · 12/10/2015 19:13

Having said which, if you're not comfortable with it just say no.

LadyLuck81 · 12/10/2015 19:15

I'd say no purely because you'll be home alone and have kids to sort. Guests of an unknown quantity on too would be a bit much for me.

If H was there as well to share the extra work and some of the pressure of socialising I'd do it.

SuburbanRhonda · 12/10/2015 19:18

Definitely yes.

And we have the tiniest, open plan house with one downstairs bathroom, loads of pets and no spare toilet!

We've put up a family of five before now. It's a squeeze, but people really appreciate the effort, especially if they've travelled a long way.

RapidlyOscillating · 12/10/2015 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2015 19:21

Extra work? Making up a bed and cooking double of whatever you were cooking anyway? Seriously????????

Pranmasghost · 12/10/2015 19:24

I'm a definite yes too. It's only one night and your fil has asked it of you. It is just a little mean spirited to say no I think.

Alconleigh · 12/10/2015 19:26

I am an introvert and hate people in my space but I would say yes as from my experience kiwis are pretty much the nicest people on earth, and they'd do it for you. And probably throw a party as well!

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 12/10/2015 19:28

I'm not good with guests even close friends so me personally I'd say no. Ywnbu either way though, you have to do what suits you and your family. It sounds like it's not really workable this time though

XiCi · 12/10/2015 19:58

A definite yes from me. We stayed with some distant relatives when backpacking years ago, were made to feel incredibly welcome and have repaid the favour gladly since. It may be interesting for your kids to hear some old family stories, there may be younger members of the family out there that they might go out and stay with one day, you might meet a wonderful couple. If not, it's only for a few hours really isn't it. I'd be really embarrassed to say no tbh but both me and dh are very family oriented and this sort of thing is the norm

BertrandRussell · 12/10/2015 20:01

You know, with the exception of people who have genuine mental health issues, I do think there needs to be a bit of growing up happening. Not my relatives? Extra work? A lot on? Bloody hell- it's only making up a bed and doubling the dinner. Yes, of course there are people who would find this a big deal. But for the vast majority it really, really shouldn't be a problem.

And it not being a problem is what we should be aiming at. Because that's how life should be. Not this "pull up the drawbridge, repel boarders" mentality.

missymayhemsmum · 12/10/2015 20:54

Yes from me too. Though I'd get to know them a bit before hand by phone/email and if I instantly disliked them I'd have to find a reason to backtrack and find them a b and b.

Welshmaenad · 12/10/2015 20:57

I'm perfectly grown up, thank you Bertrand. I just don't like having people in my house. I like my privacy and quiet time of an evening, and whilst I occasionally sacrifice this for close family, there's no way I'd do it for complete strangers. Why should I? It's my house. I don't expect to be hosted when I go visiting because I dislike the imposition myself, so like a grown up, I book a hotel.

Swipe left for the next trending thread