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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD about complicated situation

127 replies

MustBeLoopy390 · 11/10/2015 20:52

Long story so not to drip feed.
SIL 3 is a serial piss taker regarding her children and her expectance of everyone dropping everything for her. For the past month I have been planning a family day out to a significant place for DH's birthday, it can only be on this one day due to business closing for winter etc. He has no idea we are going, but all his sisters and his parents do. MIL will be driving me, DH, and DS's in her car, FIL unfortunately has to work (that's fine as he is main earner) SIL 1 lives at the other end of the country and her DH cannot get the time off, so they are sending a card and seeing us next time they can (we all understand, this is no issue.) SIL 2 has just started work in a new pub and with it being the local team's match day cannot get the full day off (again we fully understand). My DD's bio dad has also got plans booked with DD so we are celebrating beforehand with her as a family. Now here's the issue. SIL 3's Husband's nana has unfortunately passed away, and the funeral is on the same day as the day out. Baring in mind SIL 3 and H have very very little contact with his family and normally cannot stand to be at events SIL has now decided they simply must go to the funeral, but she will not take her children. She has found a babysitter for her youngest, but she will not look after the eldest as in her words he is a sod to look after. We have no space in the car, and in all honesty I'm a little annoyed that SIL 3 playing happy families with people she describes as 'hills have eyes wannabes' is at the moment coming before my DH's day. In this situation would you:
A) give up on the day out and just forget the whole thing
B) offer to pay for a childminder for Dnephew
C) tell SIL 3 to sort it fast
I know I'm being a bit bitchy but this is the woman who has constantly took MIL's time and attention away from her siblings, and frequently takes the piss out of the lot of them. Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Blu · 12/10/2015 07:41

The OP hasn't said it is a 'significant' birthday - just a nice day out, for his birthday, at a childhood favourite place. We don't know what activity goes on there or what they plan to do, but I suspect that his mother and his wife know him well enough to think that he would enjoy it.

OP, it is not unreasonable of your SIL to accompany her DH to his Nan's funeral but it is her choice not to take her DC1, so she needs to make her own childcare arrangements. I wonder how her DH feels about her reasons for not wanting to take him, but that's his businesss- as it is equally his business to sort childcare or take his son with him.

YANBU. Tell SIL to sort it fast.

Blu · 12/10/2015 07:43

I do have to laugh at AIBU - where people off the internet know better than his own wife and mother what a man they have never met will like for his birthday

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 12/10/2015 08:14

Just stay calm and keep telling SIL "I'm really sorry but we cannot have DNephew that day as we are out for DH's birthday" she can moan and sulk all she wants but it is actually impossible for you to have DNephew because there is no way to fit him in the car. Don't get dragged in to emotional blackmail and negotiations, just keep making the same point "I'm sorry, we can't"

Go for your DHs birthday as planned. It's sad that there has been a family death and you should be sensitive about it but in this situation (not a close family member who died, didn't like them anyway type thing) I would say your day out trumps their childcare issues. If SIL's best friend had died, maybe it would be different.

Original poster

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/10/2015 08:33

The 'grieving' husband himself hates the family, and hasn't seen the nana in question for 10 years, which is why I'm very skeptical about their insistance on attending. Sorry for apostrophes I never quite got to grips with them. Ringing local mini bus hire and taxi companies today to figure out budget. Date cannot be moved due to work commitments although we had tried. I have woke up to around 20 messages detailing what an evil bitch I am and how I should be putting Dnephew first. I will be keeping all of them. The lady who is having Dneice has refused as she doesn't like Dnephew as he misbehaves (show me one child who doesn't have their moments!), SIL has been very sympathetic with her and fully understands! Yet when this is the first weekend in 6 months that I have stated is a no go I'm the bitch. I know I shouldn't punish the child but I will not be having him every Saturday night from now on as I'm clearly not the type of person that she wants around her child if I'm such a horrible cow. She's burnt her bridges. Will be also having a word with MIL and seeing what she thinks and suggests.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/10/2015 08:43

Is SIL mil's daughter? I'd find it hard not to shit stir. Yanbu. I don't think I'd be researching alternative transport after the abusive messages.

Original poster

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/10/2015 08:46

Yes MIL's daughter, MIL herself warned me about SIL's 'amateur dramatics' in the run up to DS1's birth. MIL often puts her in her place and I think we are going to have to resort to that rather than run the risk of SIL ruining the surprise for DH feeling a little less bitchy about it this morning I must admit!

OP posts:

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 12/10/2015 09:10

You've got 20 messages this morning? So she harrassing you because you dared to say no? I'd refuse to do anything for her ever again.

You need a word with your MIL about getting the drama llama back in her paddock.

Spartans · 12/10/2015 09:17

Personally I would text and say ' I have already told you that we can not have nephew that day. I won't be responding to anymore texts'.

Tell you mil about the abuse and ignore her.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2015 09:19

OP - THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!

Ignore messages, block her number if nec, don't look up taxis, don't have her dc on a Saturday, enjoy your day out!

She is beyond bonkers.,

eddielizzard · 12/10/2015 09:41

huh? you have him every saturday night? WHY???????

why are you looking up taxi companies?

seriously, grow a pair. i'm annoyed with you for not standing up to this woman!

don't put her ds before your dh and your family. just don't. and ignore her histrionics. don't respond.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2015 09:54

Op, no one, not one single person in this thread, has any idea why you feel you are responsible for your dn.

Is there a back story?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2015 10:43

You have him every Saturday night? So you have a history with your SIL3 of being a doormat?

FFS, even her own mother describes her behaviour as 'amateur dramatics'.

What's SIL3's husband like? Would it spike her guns to message him to tell his pain-in-the-ass beloved to wind her neck in over this? Maybe with a not-so-veiled threat that Saturday nights will be cancelled for the foreseeable future if she does not STFU? I realise he might be as entitled a little madam as she is, but the threat to his Saturdays might work.

Oh, and cancel having your nephew every Saturday regardless. That's a nonsense that needs to stop. If you like doing it, do it occasionally, but doing it EVERY Saturday reinforces to her that you are her servant.

clam · 12/10/2015 10:53

Did she happen to say why she thinks that you should be putting her son first, above your husband and children?

Even if the day out falls through, I still would not be looking after him, then or on Saturday nights. It's not about "punishing" him - his own mother is responsible for the arrangement falling through. She should have watched her mouth and attitude.

MerryMarigold · 12/10/2015 12:38

Every Saturday night . Even one Sat a month would be a lot.

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/10/2015 12:53

I think we need to know where you are going.....

itsmine · 12/10/2015 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brioche201 · 12/10/2015 14:09

I think the posters saying not your problem are missing the point.If OP won't have have the boy then her MIL will have to look after him as she will (quite reasonably) view the funeral as taking precedence over the birthday celebration.
PS Is it 'the forbidden corner?'

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2015 14:23

"If OP won't have have the boy then her MIL will have to look after him as she will (quite reasonably) view the funeral as taking precedence over the birthday celebration."
I don't think OP's MIL will. OP said earlier "MIL herself warned me about SIL's 'amateur dramatics' in the run up to DS1's birth. MIL often puts her in her place and I think we are going to have to resort to that rather than run the risk of SIL ruining the surprise for DH. " Also that "Just for clarity, MIL has NOT been asked to look ok after Dnephew, I have." SIL3 knows her mother will 'put her in her place', hence not approaching her mother.

I reckon the only danger is that SIL will complain directly to her brother that his surprise trip is inconvenient to her, therefore letting the secret out, or that she might turn up on the doorstep with nephew and try to force OP to take him. If SIL3 thought she could get her mother to babysit, she'd have gone that route first. It's because the OP is the only one she can twist that she's on the OP's back now.

Original poster

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/10/2015 17:15

Not forbidden corner but we did do that earlier this year :) we both have many great memories there. I'm off out for coffee with MIL at 6 so will update then, we have Dnephew while SIL goes out with her friends, I honestly don't mind he's a very lovely young man and is not only brilliant to be around he's also extremely funny and gets on well with his cousins.

OP posts:

Jux · 12/10/2015 17:35

FGS, there's no reason she can't take dn to the funeral, it's his gran after all. She just doesn't want to.

Well, you can't take him with you.

So don't.

clam · 12/10/2015 18:50

You're having your dnephew this evening? After receiving abusive texts from his mother? I don't care how funny he is, I would be cancelling that.

Original poster

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/10/2015 19:10

No not having Dnephew tonight, it's a school night so it's a non-negotiable. MIL has said to play by ear but is still taking us on Saturday. She is also in agreement that sleepovers should stop until SIL starts respecting us. MIL is going to be having words with her and as pp put it brilliantly, putting the drama llama back in her paddock. Thank you all.

OP posts:

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 12/10/2015 19:34

Ywbu to not help if you were available

Yanbu to not help as you have plans that can't be changed. Tell sil3 to sort her own childcare out. Doesn't dhe have any friends or her own family she can ask?

LadyofDispleasure · 12/10/2015 20:18

SIL has made a choice (for whatever reason) not to take her eldest to the funeral. I don't see why the responsibility for that choice rests with you. It's her child, therefore her childcare she needs to sort out.

MerryMarigold · 13/10/2015 09:34

MIL sounds great. At least your not dealing with a difficult MIL too. In teens of the sleeperovers it's hard as it would be hard on dnephew to stop them and would be punishing him for his mother's sins, which he may not realise and just feel unloved or excluded. On the other hand, she's taking the mick. I don't know his age buy if they stop you need to explain to him why, and that you love him a lot, but that you've had a big disagreement with his mum. Good luck with the birthday!

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