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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD about complicated situation

127 replies

MustBeLoopy390 · 11/10/2015 20:52

Long story so not to drip feed.
SIL 3 is a serial piss taker regarding her children and her expectance of everyone dropping everything for her. For the past month I have been planning a family day out to a significant place for DH's birthday, it can only be on this one day due to business closing for winter etc. He has no idea we are going, but all his sisters and his parents do. MIL will be driving me, DH, and DS's in her car, FIL unfortunately has to work (that's fine as he is main earner) SIL 1 lives at the other end of the country and her DH cannot get the time off, so they are sending a card and seeing us next time they can (we all understand, this is no issue.) SIL 2 has just started work in a new pub and with it being the local team's match day cannot get the full day off (again we fully understand). My DD's bio dad has also got plans booked with DD so we are celebrating beforehand with her as a family. Now here's the issue. SIL 3's Husband's nana has unfortunately passed away, and the funeral is on the same day as the day out. Baring in mind SIL 3 and H have very very little contact with his family and normally cannot stand to be at events SIL has now decided they simply must go to the funeral, but she will not take her children. She has found a babysitter for her youngest, but she will not look after the eldest as in her words he is a sod to look after. We have no space in the car, and in all honesty I'm a little annoyed that SIL 3 playing happy families with people she describes as 'hills have eyes wannabes' is at the moment coming before my DH's day. In this situation would you:
A) give up on the day out and just forget the whole thing
B) offer to pay for a childminder for Dnephew
C) tell SIL 3 to sort it fast
I know I'm being a bit bitchy but this is the woman who has constantly took MIL's time and attention away from her siblings, and frequently takes the piss out of the lot of them. Thanks in advance

OP posts:

SugarDiabetes · 11/10/2015 22:38

OP has two DSs. Unfortunate apostrophe in the original post has caused confusion! It was all clarified by -

MIL, DH, Me and two car seats for two DS's, it's a swift and tight fit.

Jux · 11/10/2015 22:46

5 in the car, maddening, see post of 21:05

Say no, keep saying no. When MIL is asked to do it, and talks to you about it, point out everything you've said here.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/10/2015 23:09

OP, why is the expectation of babysitting on you? Why have you got to do it? I get the finally it's a common theme from your SIL.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 11/10/2015 23:09

feeling not finally.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/10/2015 23:13

"MIL has not been asked, SIL 3 has said she has no intention of asking MIL because she thinks it should be ME looking after Dnephew. Hence the wheedling and bloody nagging."
OP, it's really really not a complicated situation. You just tell SIL3 to fuck off.

Farandole · 11/10/2015 23:17

YANBU, she should sort her own childcare and it is not your responsibility to look after DN. How old is DN? Besides I've seen loads of kids at funerals, why can't she take her kids?

However, your post does make you seem unkind. Perhaps it's just because you are annoyed. Or maybe you are unkind. I honestly don't know.

5Foot5 · 11/10/2015 23:26

OP, it's really really not a complicated situation. You just tell SIL3 to fuck off.

^^This.
Couldn't put it better.
Next.

Mmmmcake123 · 11/10/2015 23:30

I don't understand that if she knows the car situation she is even asking. Is MIL definitely happy to drive? When she suggested it maybe she thought she would get to see all the family, but now that's not the case, could be moaning about it to sil3. Just a thought, but yanbu in anyway to be expected to babysit

scallopsrgreat · 11/10/2015 23:33

Where is your DH in all this? Why is he not sorting it out?

Gabilan · 11/10/2015 23:37

OP I think your problem is that whilst SIL3 is generally an arse, on this occasion she may have a valid reason for needing childcare.

Can you hire a bigger car for MIL to drive so you can take nephew with you? Then once the funeral is done, lay down some ground rules with SIL.

Or change the date. It doesn't seem as if many people can go.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 11/10/2015 23:41

I expect your MIL will feel she has to cancel, which is a pity.

I expect SIL wants to attend the funeral to support her grieving husband rather than "play happy families". So really the things you are saying about her are not at all kind, even if you think she is one tremendous pain in the arse.

I too would be upset and aggrieved however, at the dreadful timing. How old is the kid? Can he not go to the funeral? Has she no friends who might have him, or if he is still little can he not go to nursery or childminder?

OllyBJolly · 11/10/2015 23:46

I go to funerals of people I don't know because I want to support the bereaved I do know. IMO that's what funerals are about = recognition and support for the bereaved.

I agree with PPs - YABU. It's a funeral of a close family member. Make other arrangements for your transport or change the date,

CassieBearRawr · 11/10/2015 23:58

Politely but firmly tell her no, you won't be babysitting and as you have refused several times already she is to stop asking and you won't be responding to any further pestering on it. End of really.

Then look into a Plan B of how to get to this place in case your mother in law ends up babysitting the nephew.

Italiangreyhound · 12/10/2015 00:03

In your shoes I would either move the date of your DH's birthday event (if it is closing for the winter I would move it forward) or I would say that the event will go ahead on the day planned. If you mother in law decides to look after her grandchild while her daughter goes to a funeral then so be it. I would make alternative transport plans.

Your sister in law may be someone you don't get on with and there may be a history of problems but in this case she is choosing to go to a family funeral and that is not something one can easily alter or get out of, nor would many people want to. So even if she does not like her family-in-law presumably she likes her husband and wants to support him, and it is probably a wise call not to take a young child to a funeral.

Lastly, I would say your dh will probably enjoy his birthday whoever comes and you will be left feeling stressed and pissed off for no reason. Unless all this is a surprise for your dh I would simply ask him what he wants to happen and be led by him.

ThisOldFool · 12/10/2015 00:11

Or you could cancel the whole sheebang, and never talk to SIL3 again. Her attending funeral is NOT your problem. She's lousing up your arrangements for spoiling your DH. Just ignore her and spoil DH.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/10/2015 00:24

This is all quite simple..
'Day out planned for dh birthday, mil driving, no space left in car, we can't drive. Sil was coming in own car with own family. She now can't attend, but wants us to take dn'.
'Sorry, can't, car is full'.
No further thinking on this necessary.

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2015 00:36

For those struggling, I think this sums up the dilemma:

Day out planned for DH significant birthday
MiL suggested place (special to the DH) and offered to drive
Car full of MiL, OP, DH and small DCs
SiL3 needs to go to grandmother-in-law funeral
SiL3 did not like grandmother-in-law or the family and was v. disparaging therefore OP is questioning why she is going to the funeral
SiL3 does not want to take her children, has arranged care for some but wants OP to have DNephew
OP has refused because of the previous arrangements
SiL3 won't leave it alone.

Should the birthday trip be cancelled because of the above?

In my view, no.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/10/2015 01:08

"SIL has now decided they simply must go to the funeral, but she will not take her children. She has found a babysitter for her youngest, but she will not look after the eldest as in her words he is a sod to look after."

So either the babysitter considers that SIL3's eldest is a sod to look after (so won't), or SIL3 considers that her own eldest is a sod to look after (so doesn't want to).

Either way, not the OP's problem. SIL3 must either find alternate carer as OP is not available, or take her eldest to the funeral.

Just to reiterate - OP, it's really really not a complicated situation. You just tell SIL3 to fuck off.

BrendaFlange · 12/10/2015 06:13

OP, unfortunately you were very uncear in your OP and left out what the original arrangement was (SIL to come in car, bringing her children ) and what she now wants (you to fit DN in (MIL's car with you.

If you cannot easily move the day out one day forwards or backwards, just say no, as you have, and tell her to stop bugging you about it .

Her reason for not taking her child with her is pretty horrible , given it is her child's great grandparent, but
None of her reasons are relevant to you because you are not available to help her out , and that is that . SHE could pay for your MIL to hire a bigger car if she is desperate for help ! You could suggest that?

MythicalKings · 12/10/2015 06:36

YANBU. SiL will have to sort Child care for herself. "Not your circus not your monkeys" was never more valid. You have your own circus to organise.

MerryMarigold · 12/10/2015 06:51

I thought she was putting pressure on MIL, but if she isn't, I don't see what the problem is. If it's so important for her to attend the funeral, then she should take DNephew. My kids attended their great grandmother's funeral and it was a good experience to go through. A funeral which isn't someone very close. When it is someone closer (eg. their own grandparents), they will be a bit more prepared.

Spartans · 12/10/2015 07:05

There are 5 people in the car. Not 4.

Honestly op you are making a huge deal out of nothing. Sil has no intention of asking mil, you can't as you have plans. So jobs done.

CalleighDoodle · 12/10/2015 07:22

Im actually wondering whether wanting to go back to a favourtie childhood place in the middle of nowhere is something a man would want to do anyway for a significant birthday...

diddl · 12/10/2015 07:35

If she's not going to ask MIL to babysit then I don't see how it impats on you at all tbh.

Is it your husband's sister?

What would he want to do?

Also, if MIL has mentioned this place & not your husband, is it something that he would want to do?

When is the funeral?

Perhaps your husband would prefer to help his sister & have a meal out for his birthday or something that doesn't involve a whole day out.

ptumbi · 12/10/2015 07:37

And that has what to do with it, Calleigh? It's a day out, a surprise for his birthday. Is he going to say 'well I don't like it here' when so many people have organised so much?

Maybe you're right. maybe the OP should be throwing a load of money at a big party, or a 'red letter day' or special holiday abroad? rather than spend it with people that he loves, on a day off?

Op, stick to your guns. No childcare, you are busy with your own family.

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