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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD about complicated situation

127 replies

MustBeLoopy390 · 11/10/2015 20:52

Long story so not to drip feed.
SIL 3 is a serial piss taker regarding her children and her expectance of everyone dropping everything for her. For the past month I have been planning a family day out to a significant place for DH's birthday, it can only be on this one day due to business closing for winter etc. He has no idea we are going, but all his sisters and his parents do. MIL will be driving me, DH, and DS's in her car, FIL unfortunately has to work (that's fine as he is main earner) SIL 1 lives at the other end of the country and her DH cannot get the time off, so they are sending a card and seeing us next time they can (we all understand, this is no issue.) SIL 2 has just started work in a new pub and with it being the local team's match day cannot get the full day off (again we fully understand). My DD's bio dad has also got plans booked with DD so we are celebrating beforehand with her as a family. Now here's the issue. SIL 3's Husband's nana has unfortunately passed away, and the funeral is on the same day as the day out. Baring in mind SIL 3 and H have very very little contact with his family and normally cannot stand to be at events SIL has now decided they simply must go to the funeral, but she will not take her children. She has found a babysitter for her youngest, but she will not look after the eldest as in her words he is a sod to look after. We have no space in the car, and in all honesty I'm a little annoyed that SIL 3 playing happy families with people she describes as 'hills have eyes wannabes' is at the moment coming before my DH's day. In this situation would you:
A) give up on the day out and just forget the whole thing
B) offer to pay for a childminder for Dnephew
C) tell SIL 3 to sort it fast
I know I'm being a bit bitchy but this is the woman who has constantly took MIL's time and attention away from her siblings, and frequently takes the piss out of the lot of them. Thanks in advance

OP posts:
ButterflyUpSoHigh · 11/10/2015 21:14

A funeral trumps a day out. Pay for a taxi for you and your family.

Floralnomad · 11/10/2015 21:16

A funeral takes precedent over a day out , unless the day out has included lots of money already paid out ( which this doesn't sound like) . YABU describing it as a family day out when not even the whole of your family are going personally I would do a day out on a day that your dd could attend as well otherwise she may feel excluded .

Original poster
MustBeLoopy390 · 11/10/2015 21:19

Just for clarity, MIL has NOT been asked to look ok after Dnephew, I have. After I have said no SIL 3 is nagging, wheedling and generally being quite pushy about me giving in. MIL suggested asking the friend who is having Dneice. I think I'll ring tomorrow for taxi quotes. In all honesty if I discussed a family member in such a way and decided very bloody vocally I hated the whole lot of them I wouldn't bother going to funerals. I certainly wouldn't want anyone attending mine or any of my families if they had said such vile things, but that's just me.

OP posts:
Osolea · 11/10/2015 21:19

YABU.

I see why you'd be disappointed, but this is the problem with not driving and relying on other people to ferry you to places you want to go.

A funeral is more important than a day out, even considering your SILs nasty comment. It's not relevant.

Are you both unable to drive or s it that you just don't have a car? Wondering if you could borrow or hire a car for the day?

EldonAve · 11/10/2015 21:25

YANBU
Just say no. Let her sort out her own childcare

Original poster
MustBeLoopy390 · 11/10/2015 21:30

Both unable to drive, MIL suggested the place (childhood favourite) and offered to drive when we started organising. As I've said DD isn't getting left out, in fact due to food allergies its worked out better and we are doing something as just the five of us before the day out.

OP posts:
slithytove · 11/10/2015 21:30

Yanbu

turningvioletviolet · 11/10/2015 21:32

Let's be honest. Your poor old MIL is being used by both of you (that's if SIL does actually ask her to babysit her Ds - if not its just you using her for her car/driving)

PacificMouse · 11/10/2015 21:32

But who is attending a funeral of someone they didn't like? Or is it just an issue with how it would look like if they didn't attend?
And why is it that the children aren't going to the funeral of a direct family member? That's their great granmother afterall.

I'm amazed at how it can become the OP's issue and she has to drop everything, incl an outing that was planned a long time ago to be a babysitter. That's up to SIL3 to find a babysitter and the fact the OP isn't available (and she knew this) isn't the OP's problem.

Floggingmolly · 11/10/2015 21:34

You've said no. That's the end of your involvement in the matter Confused
Whether you think she should be attending the funeral or not is completely irrelevant; it's none of your business.

PacificMouse · 11/10/2015 21:35

The OP 'using' her MIL? Confused
I thought it was the MIL who proposed said location as it had childhood memories and I would have thought she was doing that for her son not for the OP....

You lot have a very sad way of looking at things where anyone who isn't fully independent and actually uses the help of someone is just 'using that person'. Very strange....

Original poster
MustBeLoopy390 · 11/10/2015 21:36

Let's be honest, my MIL suggested the place and the lift we are not using her and I'm quite offended that you'd say that, may be irrelevant but it's me and DH that are there for MIL 24/7. Pacific it's all about image as far as I can tell, she will not take the children as in her own words 'they aren't having anything to do with that pathetic excuse for a family'.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 11/10/2015 21:44

what car does MIL drive????????

diddl · 11/10/2015 21:45

Why can't SIL take heroldest to the funeral?

iamanintrovert · 11/10/2015 21:50

Just don't get involved. Continue to expect that the day out will happen as planned and expect that SIL will sort out her childcare problem. But do have a private Back Up Plan as this will reduce your anxiety.

turningvioletviolet · 11/10/2015 21:50

Well your issue isn't with your SIL, it would be with your MIL if she decides to look after DGS rather than stick to already made plans.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/10/2015 21:55

You've said no.

If MIL decides to mind her grandchild that's her perogative and nothing to do with you either.

On another note, if you and dh want to do trips like this maybe one of you should learn to drive!

SolidGoldBrass · 11/10/2015 21:56

Oh FFS cut OP some slack. She's clearly had years of having to give way to this self-obsessed SIL and, knowing that SIL despised the deceased, doesn't want to have her own H's birthday treat fucked up because SIL won't pay for a babysitter.
Just keep saying No, OP.

Original poster
MustBeLoopy390 · 11/10/2015 21:58

DH is learning, again MIL suggested this place and DH does not know. Not sure why that is hard to grasp. MIL has not been asked, SIL 3 has said she has no intention of asking MIL because she thinks it should be ME looking after Dnephew. Hence the wheedling and bloody nagging.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 11/10/2015 22:00

It's not hard to grasp, it's just...

You've said no already so it's a non issue! Confused

NorksAreMessy · 11/10/2015 22:04

I have found the phrase 'not my circus, not my monkeys' to be useful occasionally :)

goawayalready · 11/10/2015 22:19

personally if your going to slag someone off why bother going to the funeral? if i called someone an inbred i sure as shit would not be going to a funeral and i would use lack of childcare as an excuse if needed

Kym134 · 11/10/2015 22:22

I understand OP that DIL asked you to have DN. Just say no sorry we are busy and cannot fit him in unless someone else drives and comes with us. Send her a link to a babysitting agency.

maddening · 11/10/2015 22:32

There are 4 of you in the car though - why is there no room for dnephew?

lexigrey · 11/10/2015 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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