To be offended by BIL?

[Ephelant]

I'm planning to have my ds christened in a month or so and decided it would be a nice gesture to ask BIL, DP's brother to be a godparent. He has tended to be a bit distant and didn't actually acknowledge ds's birthday recently but he's really the only possible candidate from DP's side and I felt it might seem like a slight not to ask, plus was living in foolish hope it might bring us all a bit closer, make him feel he has a role and generally generate some positive feeling.
BIL did not reply to my message. DP then texted a day or so later to check he'd got my message and he said he was thinking about it and would call the following night. Nothing.
Three days after that I texted to check, he said sorry, still thinking and would call the following night. This is now three days ago. I made it clear it wasn't a problem at all if he wasn't comfortable with the idea, I just can't understand why the man doesn't have the courtesy to get back to me! Even if he doesn't want to do it being asked deserves some sort of acknowledgement doesn't it? It's meant to be something special and his reaction has gone beyond slightly distant uncle into plain rude. I feel offended for myself and ds tbh .

This is now possibly stepping aside from the main point - but if you don't have much expectations in terms of them being an Uncle, then I highly doubt offering the 'title' of Godfather with make him in any way more involved. The opposite is of course true, he could be the most involved, loving Uncle there is - being a Godfather doesn't add to that in anyway (unless he is taking on responsibility in raising the child Christian). I will say, for the last time, that in my opinion if this ceremony is so very important to you, have people involved who actually show interest in both your child and faith, not out of family obligation.

Sorry... Just over half see them pretty regularly and most have a great relationship with them so far... meaning most of them that see their God children regulary. that is the key bit!

Surely the obvious thing to do is just to pick up the phone and talk to the man? If you or your dp can't bring yourself to do that then I really really don't understand why you thought it was appropriate to ask your BIL to be a godparent.

Godparents are supposed to be people you have a special relationship with and that you think will have a special relationship with your child.

In this case it sounds as if there is a difficult/distant relationship between the brothers who only see each other at family events, the OP says she doesn't really know him at all and he has taken no interest in their child.

They have only communicated by text but she thinks the BIL is rude not to have called. Why, if you ask someone to do something important for your child surely the onus is on you to take action, not your BIL?

Oh and I have a godmother aunt as well as my mum's ex boyfriend(!) and someone who was very motherlike to my parents. Like all my siblings godparents they are people who were very important to them, already part of their inner circle (and all shared their faith too, although I no longer do).

Personally I would prefer a person to think it over. If it takes him a while to think it over so be it.

I do think your dp should have asked, even if he felt texting was the way to go. I don't get why you do t just let your dp get on with sorting it.

It's not a favour, I would dispute if it's an honour. It's a responsibility. Which should be considered carefully.

I also don't think its a honour but a responsibility.

If he doesn't practice the religion then he may be battling with himself as to the right decision. Maybe he just doesn't agree with christenings. Or maybe he doesn't want to be involved with your PFB as you expect him too, not everyone likes children.

I've been asked numerous times in the past but don't practice so say no, none of the parents did either so it was all a farce and excuses for parties.

Maybe he thought it was rude of you and his brother to text such an important request. Yes, he is rude not to have responded properly yet.
IMO, you have both been rude to each other.

You don't ask someone to be a godparent in the hope that it will force a closer relationship with the child than is currently the case.

You ask someone to be a godparent because you think they will have a close relationship with the child, and that they will want such a relationship, and that the relationship will be a positive one.

You've asked someone with little interest and, not surprisingly, they've responded with little interest. Just choose someone who will actually want to do it.

"I've never heard of a close family member being asked to be godparent OP"

In OH's family nearly all the godparents are relations. In mine they aren't as we have a small family.

Giving the BIL the benefit of the doubt he could just be thinking it over. However, promising to call and then not following through makes me wonder if he wants the role at all. Also, his lack of interest in his nephew would make me think twice about asking him.

As a Christian myself I would also question your motives about asking your BIL. I don't go along with the school of thought that you ask people just because you want to appease them. I believe that you should choose someone who will take an active interest in your child and be there to offer spiritual guidance.

When we had DD baptised we thought long and hard about who to ask to be godparents. In the end we chose OH's sister (a practising Christain) and some really good friends of ours who are occasional church goers themselves. So far we haven't regretted our choice. DD is 15 and all her godparents still show an interest in her.

Whoever thought that godparents would be legal guardians in case you die is wrong. Godparents are not the people who will care for your child should anything happen to you. Arrangements for this would normally be made by a Will.

I agree that your husband should telephone, not text him and get a straight answer, but he needs to make it clear that neither of you would be offended if he decided not to be a godparent.

Has BIL been baptised himself? If not he can't be a godparent anyway.

Godparent info here

To ask to be a godparent by text??? I'm a Christian but if I were to be asked by text rather than either a phone call (marginally better) or in a face to face conversation, I'd be wondering whether or not I was first choice for the role and also how important it is to the parents of the child. I'd ask someone if they wanted to go to the cinema by text or if they wanted to meet up for dinner but not something like this.

You've said that he's not good with kids. There is your answer. I know that kids grow up but they will always be your kids to him. Even when they are adults in their own right.

If I were you, at this point, I'd sent one more text to your BIL saying that you've had time to think it over and have decided to ask someone else to fulfill the role of godparent. You appreciate that he must have been giving it a lot of thought and understand that you had put him in a difficult situation so you're thanking him for that.

And move on with this. It's not the be all and end all. Pick someone else.

Is he the kind of person who just takes ages to get stuff done? I have calls I've been meaning to make for weeks, and many of my friends are also bad a returning calls straight away. Maybe just a mismatch on expectations?

Ephelant, I wonder if the reason he has not replied is because your request has offended him. Not because you sent by text but because he may of misinterpreted your reason for asking him.

He does not know you very well, therefore he may think he has only been asked, in order that he can provide financial gifts to you child. Many childless people are asked to be Godparentd for this very reason.

If you genuinely want to bring the two families together, than I would telephone him to explain your reasons. If he has found your request offensive, then he may seethe about this privately, and this could damage the relationship further.

Just get your DH to ring him and say

"are you really thinking it over or do you just not want to do it but don't want to offend us by saying no?"

You'll get an answer (to being a godparent) and can move on.

People have focussed on the text message because none of us can imagine asking a reasonably important question by text. If you're confident that this isn;t why he's gone silent then fine. But the problem with text is exactly the position you are now in. No proper real time communications.

Phone and ask, have a conversation and get a definite answer. Actually talking is also a better way to develop the relationship if thats what you want.

Watchamacallit I took your advice and also said I probably shouldn't have asked my text but didn't want to put him on the spot. Doubt I'll get a reply, I feel a bit rubbish that it's all backfired but I really think after more than a week with no real communication it was time to draw a line under the whole thing, he definitely didn't want to do it so I've saved him the bother of saying so.

So you've now retracted your suggestion by text? Still no conversations at all? Sorry but I find this quite extraordinary. I can't imagine that this episode has done anything other than make a fragile relationship even more distant.

I really hope that one of the brothers picks up the phone and talks to each other. It's a bit sad.

Yes, I know.

As a general rule with in laws, anything affecting them should be done by the person they were originally related to, not the one the are related to by marriage. Your OH understands his brother and how he works and whether or not he wants to be closer to him or not. Someone without the many years of shared history has massive potential to get things wrong.

Sorry it's turned out this way for you - I really would get your DP to be responsible for all communication with his family from now on. It really does make life easy and avoids a whole heap of arguments and misunderstandings.

You're so right. Anyway I think it's ok, he's obviously happier now as he's texted back quite quickly and said it's probably for the best as he wasn't sure he was the most suitable person but thanks for asking. Which would have been fine from the start and is obviously what he's been thinking all along, oh well.

"a chance to be important"

Well, I wouldn't see it like that. I am gm to my cousin's lad. I saw it as a huge commitment and responsibility. The only way I would be 'important' was taking the duty seriously. Yes, it is sometimes seen as a privilege, but actually that stems from the parents belief of who/what you are.

You clearly don't know this chap, and are unlikely to be privy to his beliefs. So you're asking him for reasons which are not religious. That's probably at least part of his reluctance; 'are you asking because he'll give good presents?' - that's a reason so many people get asked, especially if they're not close to the parents.

Ephelant re I feel a bit rubbish that it's all backfired but I really think after more than a week with no real communication it was time to draw a line under the whole thing, he definitely didn't want to do it so I've saved him the bother of saying so. I really do not think you should feel bas, you certainly did not do anything wrong by asking your brother in law to be a God parent to his nephew. Whatever anyone thinks about asking this by text it is really not the issue at all. If someone says something by text and you want to know more you text back or call or email. It is the year 2015. I doubt he expected a horseman carrying a papyrus scroll! Please don;t take all this personally!

I think maybe there is more to this, either he is just a rather anti social person, or has some deep faith-based wrestling going on, or is socially awkward and does not know how to say no.

Please, please come back and tell us the two brothers have had a chat and please, please do not feel bad for asking a nice thing to a relative, it is beyond belief anyone is making you feel bad about this.

BAD not bas, don't feel bad!

florentina1 re I wonder if the reason he has not replied is because your request has offended him. Not because you sent by text but because he may of misinterpreted your reason for asking him.

Do you really think any person would assume because they had been asked by a relative to be a God parent they would think this was about money or gifts? I find that hard to believe. if I were God parent to a relative I would buy the same present as I would buy if I were not God parent. I am hopeful this is the least likely reason for the silence but then I am still surprised by how people do take things, even within families. I do hope this is not the case as that would be crazy.

Does sound like it's for the best.

Can't believe the reaction you've had!

I'm Irish catholic. All godparents in my huge family are related and nobody feel like it's a huge pressure. Certainly none of this 'helping to raise the child in the faith' shite.

I guess my family are just normal not Catholic enough!

Italiangreyhound thank you for your messages. I do think he's rather socially awkward, I thought perhaps by asking it might make him feel pleased to be included but I underestimated his lack of interest. It's his prerogative though, I just wish he'd been a bit more communicative as I made it clear it was fine if he wasn't comfortable with the idea
I also agree that the gift thing hadn't crossed my mind, I wouldn't have expected anything extra in terms of that and it does surprise me that some people seem to view it as that.

Ephelant If I ask people to make significant decisions it is always by text or email. I absolutely hate to put people on the spot, and I hate it when I am put on the spot like that. I feel it's considerate to give people time to consider their initial response, I've just asked pil to join us on holiday and just in case they don't like the idea at all I sent an email so we won't have any shocked faces and blushes, they can accept or decline in the way they choose. Expressing condolences, apologies etc of course always face to face! But really don't get the posters who think it was rude of you to ask by text. And Yanbu.

To me an email is like a letter, something that thought has gone into. A text is on the other hand quite casual, useful for a quick inquiry, comment or relatively trivial proposal.

I guess the other thing is that clearly people have very different ideas as to what being a godparent entails. For some it's just about being recognised at a party, to some there is an expectation of present giving, while others will see it as a solemn undertaking (religious or otherwise).

I'm not really sure how the OP thought the role would play forward and of course we've no idea what her BIL thinks. I can see if you don't really think of it as a big deal then a text would be fine. For me it would be much more significant and I'd expect to have a conversation with the person asking, and also to think about it for a while. My godparents were important to me growing up, special people who I had a special relationship with.