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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be offended by BIL?

109 replies

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 20:06

I'm planning to have my ds christened in a month or so and decided it would be a nice gesture to ask BIL, DP's brother to be a godparent. He has tended to be a bit distant and didn't actually acknowledge ds's birthday recently but he's really the only possible candidate from DP's side and I felt it might seem like a slight not to ask, plus was living in foolish hope it might bring us all a bit closer, make him feel he has a role and generally generate some positive feeling.
BIL did not reply to my message. DP then texted a day or so later to check he'd got my message and he said he was thinking about it and would call the following night. Nothing.
Three days after that I texted to check, he said sorry, still thinking and would call the following night. This is now three days ago. I made it clear it wasn't a problem at all if he wasn't comfortable with the idea, I just can't understand why the man doesn't have the courtesy to get back to me! Even if he doesn't want to do it being asked deserves some sort of acknowledgement doesn't it? It's meant to be something special and his reaction has gone beyond slightly distant uncle into plain rude. I feel offended for myself and ds tbh Angry.

OP posts:
Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:22

Thank you so much Epilepsyhelp, I feel a bit upset by the uncharitableness of some answers. Never mind.

OP posts:
momtothree · 11/10/2015 23:22

Op , DH is one of lifes thinkers, it drives me crackers... He will put off calls, and letters, blah ... I think its rude ... is he married? He may say yes yet!! I would assume you are a doer.. and want to get things sorted ... so this is annoying you.

Wolpertinger · 11/10/2015 23:25

As far as I can make out the only person who has said they are a practicising Christian on this thread is the OP so I am mystified as to why she would be expecting Christian fellowship.

5Foot5 prob has it right. Many people, especially those who are already identifiably not good with children, are really not interested in other people's children. Was your BIL interested in your child or even in bringing himself closer to you? From his perspective being your DC's godparent doesn't sound like that good a deal.

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:27

Mrsgentlybenevolent, you can assume away. Your post was rude and comically at odds with your name, as for the points you made I addressed them in my other posts and wasn't going to further explain myself to you.

OP posts:
caravanista13 · 11/10/2015 23:29

I really don't understand the majority of these responses. I can't see any problem with texting - much less intrusive than phoning and gives the recipient time to consider their response. And why is it a problem that the OP asked and not her DH? Once you're married your family!

Morganly · 11/10/2015 23:29

His brother needs to phone him or meet him and have a proper conversation. It is utterly bizarre that such an important request should be conveyed by text message from his brother's wife. He is probably really upset that his brother couldn't ask him in person himself and has no idea how to respond.

This would be a classic mumsnet post: my brother in law has text me to ask me to be a godparent for my niece/nephew. I don't understand why my sister hasn't talked to me about this. i don't know how to respond because I don't know whether my sister really wants me to be a godparent or not. Even if she does, it seems really rude not to talk to me herself.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/10/2015 23:31

Sorry that you feel like anyone disagreeing with you, or pointing out some flaws in your OP is considered uncharitableness. I suspect you only posted here to gain sympathy and expected most to say your BIL is rude, and should have accepted your offer since he's the only one 'good enough' from your husband's side to be handed such an 'honor'.

Unfortunatly, this is AIBU, and sometimes you have to see that even if you're mostly in the right,you can be a bit in the wrong as well. My advice, retract the invitation to be godfather, find someone within your church who will actually do the role properly if there's no one suitable in your family/friends group.

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:35

Wolpertinger I understand what you're saying - he's not interested in our child and is mildly horrified by the idea of being godparent. Still a bit hurtful and rude to respond the way he has.
It's true nobody has said they are or aren't Christian but it's a fair assumption based on some people's remarks, yours included. I wouldn't wade into a matter of someone else's faith that I didn't share to lecture them about the ins and outs of something like this. Christian fellowship or otherwise I do think some have taken an unnecessarily rude and harsh tone. It's not that I expect everyone to agree but there are ways of saying things.

OP posts:
Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:39

Mrsgentlybenevolent...are you honestly going to tell me that your posts have been pleasant? I think it's fair to say that whatever your opinion may be your tone has been thoroughly snotty.

OP posts:
Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:42

And yes it's pretty uncharitable to repeatedly suggest I couldn't be "arsed" to call despite my explanation as to why.

OP posts:
MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/10/2015 23:43
  1. My username is meant to be ironic, it's very strange you bringing that into an argument. A quick Google will answer any questions on its origins.
  1. Please point out how I have been rude, Ive only been asking genuine questions regarding the situation, I will do my best to re-explain myself in a way you don't find so 'offensive'.
Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2015 23:44

Ephelant I wonder if you brother in law is worried by the depth of the commitment or perhaps not sure what the commitment is.

Traditionally, if the parents of a child did (sorry!) the God parent would become the child's guardian. My sister would assume that role for our kids if anything happened to us, so we made it clear to potential God parents that they would not be expected to step in if DH and I both died!

As Christians, we chose Christians to be the God parents, although they came from a variety of churches. It is my understanding that a God parent also needs to be baptised (in any church) and if not then a person who is not baptised can be called a 'sponsor', as a Godparent to a child, this is in the C of E. You may like to check I have got this right! For us it was not so much of an issue as my daughter and son were both dedicated and not baptised, but they each have God parents.

Anyway, my point is your brother-in-law, if not 'religious' or not a Christian may be unsure what he is letting himself in for. He may want to say no and be embarrassed to say no. Or he may be very busy and have simply put it off. I don't think you mention how old he is, and if he were relatively young I would understand this even more.

I would also say that as the uncle (only uncle) to your son he actually already has a very special role. The reality is his involvement with your son will be what makes the relationship and this may be better facilitated by shared experiences, like inviting him for a meal more often or going to sporting events etc together when your little one is older, or a shared interest in trains etc!

My in-laws do not live close and we have made regular commitments to meet up with them so they can see their niece and nephew and we try and do things that may interest them, but which have something for kids too. Not easy but worth it as the kids seem to really like seeing them.

This is maybe just me but a week is not long, not if you have a lot going on. Not long to make a big decision. Being a God parent is a lifelong commitment, not just a day. So it is reasonable for him to take time, especially if he was not expecting to be asked.

I think your husband needs to step in now, chat to his brother, make sure the brother knows it was a big decision to choose him (in that he should feel honoured in a good way, we thought you could do a good job) but it is not a problem to say no if your BIL doesn't feel it is right for him. I would also ask hubby to emphasise that at the end of the day what you both want is for BIL to have a good relationship with his nephew and you both and that whether he says yes or no to this 'responsibility' you just both want have a good relationship as a family with him, as wider family.

Lastly, I think traditionally (in the C of E at least) it is three God parents, two the same sex as the child and one the opposite sex - but you can have as many of as few God parents as you chose (within reason). And they can be male or female, so if you only have two chosen friends (rather than the traditional three) you could just go with that.

Good luck.

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:45

And I seriously doubt BIL is upset DP didn't call about it, they just aren't like that as a family, which is a judgement I made. Honestly, this obsession with the text message!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2015 23:46

died not did - sorry!

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:48

Thank you, Italiangreyhound. I'm going to do that.

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MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/10/2015 23:48

Again, why snotty? Disagreement is not being 'snotty', I genuinely don't understand why you've asked someone that you said had no interest in young children and have alluded not to sharing your faith, to be a Christian Godfather. Is that really unreasonable to ask? I've also not been the only one questioning why something (once again you mentioned several times) to be so very important to you, was done over text message. Not once it seems, but by your husband as well. This is something that is beyond me, as anything I've considered that important in life, I wouldn't do over text. Is it rude to ask why neither of you have actually called him, before coming to moan on here?

Senpai · 11/10/2015 23:50

"My username is meant to be ironic"

... It's not really ironic if it's the actual name of a villain.

Or are you saying it's ironic because you like being prickly on MN? In which case it sort of dissolves your argument that you're not being rude on purpose.

Just saying. Wink

I think OP gave a valid reason why she didn't text him. There's really not much more to expound on that point.

Italiangreyhound · 11/10/2015 23:51

Ephelant please only take the advice that is helpful. If things are not helpful, just ignore. The text message is now in the past and you and your dh can proceed from here.

SofiaAmes · 11/10/2015 23:52

I think I understand why the bil is avoiding the OP.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/10/2015 00:02

Senpai - I apologise, the origins of my chosen username is based on irony. Is that clearer? I wouldn't want it distracting too much from the point now.

I know the OP explained why she texted, however I cannot personally understand the connection between this being very important to her, and asking someone (I again say, these are the OP's own words) - is not very interested in young children, does not follow the faith, and apparently is quite unapporachable anyway. I can understand the sentiment of wanting someone from her husband's side - but the balance of 'this is important to me - so I've asked someone who I figured wouldn't be much interested and now am hurt by the fact he's showing lack of interest' is quite odd to me. However, it's obviously a mistake to point this out, especially to the OP herself.

bittapitta · 12/10/2015 00:04

I've never heard of a close family member being asked to be godparent OP. He already has a relationship with your son- he's his uncle. Maybe he is confused as to what is being asked of him over and above being an uncle?

Anyway I've read the whole thread and I think Yabu to have texted especially as you say you personally aren't close to him. Your DH should have spoken (phone or face to face) and your DH should take responsibility for putting this right.

Ephelant · 12/10/2015 00:07

Well, he's not great with young children, but children get older and relationships can grow with time. I'm close to two of my godparents in adulthood, it's a nice connection to have. I know stricter churchy Christians would say it's a godparent's duty to help bring up in the faith but I can't say my godparents did much of that, they were just good people who were/are there for me if I need them and that is more or less what I was hoping for for ds in this particular case. We actually don't know anyone closely enough within family and friends who would fulfil a highly religious role, so I have chosen people who I believe will be a good role model and have at least some kind of faith. I didn't say BIL wasn't Christian just that I don't personally have a huge expectation for that side of things in practice.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/10/2015 00:08

I know lots of people who ask sisters or brother to be God parents. I never chose to do it but I think it is pretty usual.

Ephelant · 12/10/2015 00:09

Quite a lot of people have uncles, aunts etc as godparents. Including me Smile

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Italiangreyhound · 12/10/2015 00:13

Ephelant can i ask which denomination you are? Is it the same as your Brother in law?

Our kids have 10 God parents between them. Just over half see them pretty regularly and most have a great relationship with them so far, but it is not something we could have predicted before hand, we just had to choose the best people at the time.

Likewise between us DH and I have 5 God children and again the relationship varies, it really is down to how much all of us put into it.

Good luck.