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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be offended by BIL?

109 replies

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 20:06

I'm planning to have my ds christened in a month or so and decided it would be a nice gesture to ask BIL, DP's brother to be a godparent. He has tended to be a bit distant and didn't actually acknowledge ds's birthday recently but he's really the only possible candidate from DP's side and I felt it might seem like a slight not to ask, plus was living in foolish hope it might bring us all a bit closer, make him feel he has a role and generally generate some positive feeling.
BIL did not reply to my message. DP then texted a day or so later to check he'd got my message and he said he was thinking about it and would call the following night. Nothing.
Three days after that I texted to check, he said sorry, still thinking and would call the following night. This is now three days ago. I made it clear it wasn't a problem at all if he wasn't comfortable with the idea, I just can't understand why the man doesn't have the courtesy to get back to me! Even if he doesn't want to do it being asked deserves some sort of acknowledgement doesn't it? It's meant to be something special and his reaction has gone beyond slightly distant uncle into plain rude. I feel offended for myself and ds tbh .

OP posts:

RiverTam · 11/10/2015 21:14

Unfriendly???? Your approach to him was hardly warm!

Looseleaf · 11/10/2015 21:17

You say you don't know him very well, don't you think it would be important or at least better to ask someone who will actually be important to your son ie someone you are already close to / possibly sees him a lot and who you know will be interested in a godparent relationship with him? ( I also feel a bit bad for your BIL as if he doesn't want this commitment it might be awkward to say no given it's seen as an 'honour' surely? I would send something light like 'No worries about our question, we'll assume it doesn't suit. Hope all's well and hope to see you soon ' or something. Or ask what your DH thinks as knows his brother best I guess

AliceInUnderpants · 11/10/2015 21:27

Wow. Why are you even having him Christened?

Original poster

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 21:29

Looseleaf I did exactly that a few days ago, I was very nice about it. I know everyone keeps saying I shouldn't have texted but it's just easier with someone like him, I knew he'd want to think about it and didn't want to put him on the spot too much.
I can see I made a mistake asking him, I just thought it would be a chance to build a slightly closer relationship
He is one of ds's closest relatives and we do see him regularly at family things. I just wanted to give him the chance if it was something he'd like to do, not putting pressure on him. I made it clear we'd be really pleased if he said yes but no problem if not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 21:31

Sorry, why do you think I'm having him Christened? I'm a Christian so it's something I want to do. Why are you asking?

OP posts:

Hellochicken · 11/10/2015 21:34

Yes being chosen is an honour, but because you have been asked to support the child in its Christian upbringing. Choosing someone is not to improve family relationships/generate good feeling. Asking someone is asking them to do you/your child a big favour over many years.

So I think YABU in your attitude towards it, maybe he is giving it deep consideration, maybe not, a few days won't harm anyone.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/10/2015 21:44

Really rude to text him to ask, you think it's such an important event, but can't be arsed asking someone on the phone to be part of one the more 'important' role?

Maybe he's just taking it into deep consideration. Maybe he's thinking of a nice way to decline. Maybe he has other, more important things to deal with right now. It's been three days, it may be important to you but others don't think it's a priority, as is their perogative. I'm sure he'll come back to you in good time. If someone had asked me, it would take me a few days to think of the nicest way to decline - especially if it was family. It's much harder to say 'no' than 'yes' to these things. Is he a christian?

Wolpertinger · 11/10/2015 21:50

So as you are a Christian, you would know that a godparent is supposed to also be a committed Christian and someone who takes the Christian upbringing of the child very seriously.

Why would you ask someone by text who you barely know to do that?

Even his own brother couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone to ask him

CookieDoughKid · 11/10/2015 21:51

Op - IMO (my own O only), it's ok to text - especially if it was worded warmly and inviting.

However, based on the fact he has yet to respond means that he isn't taking the question and the role seriously. It probably is just the way he is. My BIL is like that, he is just too ''busy'' to respond because a) any questions that come from me isn't a priority to him and b) my bil gets offended that I ask and not my dp. Which is utterly stupid as my dp is absolutely rubbish in getting anything organised let alone asking but we all know that and c) my BIL wouldn't really understand the gravity of the role.

IMO - you are better off asking someone else as this could cause unnecessary future angst. Just because he is a relative - doesn't mean he is suitable.

EmmaGellerGreen · 11/10/2015 21:51

Good grief, you sent a text to someone you barely know asking them to make what they could perceive to be a lifelong commitment to a child. I think that it is you and your dp who are unreasonable here. If you don't know him well enough to pick up the phone, let alone ask in person, what were you expecting?

IonaNE · 11/10/2015 21:58

This ^

WeAllHaveWings · 11/10/2015 22:16

Why did your dp not want to call, or even better visit, and ask his brother?

Do they not get on? Is you dp not bothered about the christing (which might explain bil's hesitating)?

AliceInUnderpants · 11/10/2015 22:20

You say you thought it would be a nice gesture... like you were doing him some sort of a favour by asking him?

Original poster

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 22:48

Not a favour, a chance to be important in a child's life. I think most people would be pleased to be asked, I did make it clear there was no pressure to say yes. I think criticising my method of asking is a bit pointless, it was a nice message and I know the type of person he is a bit better than anyone on here. He would not have been offended by that so can we just agree to disagree?
My choice of potential godparent, obviously a mistake and yes he hasn't been the most involved but he's not a stranger. He's dp's only uncle, as I said we do see him. He's not that great with ds but I get the impression he's not great with young children, he's not horrible though. He was also the only person on DP's side who we could reasonably have asked.
I know it's not all about pleasing people but I wanted to make sure his family felt included. It is a religious thing but also about bringing people together imo.
I'm disappointed I misread BIL to that extent. To ignore the message to start with was unfriendly to me personally I feel, then to leave it a whole week without actually answering - not even thanks for asking but...?
I left it very much open for him to do what he felt comfortable with. As far as what the actual role entails, it's meant to be special but I think some people posting have a more strict interpretation of it, I'm not expecting him to bring my child up in the faith, just to take an interest really, and be a fairly decent role model. Some people might criticise that but it's nothing to do with them and nor is it an unusual approach.

OP posts:

Epilepsyhelp · 11/10/2015 22:57

I'm shocked at the lack of Christian fellowship on this thread from those questioning OP's decision to have DC christened. Judgmental and exclusive, not at all in the spirit of the religion you presumably follow, given your 'morally outraged' tone.

Original poster

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:01

Also what's with the judgmental Christians posting here? "you should know better than x y z, what were you thinking?"

OP posts:

Original poster

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:02

Thank you Epilepsyhelp. You posted while I was posting

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/10/2015 23:04

So, you're not taking accepting you are in any way unreasonable in this situation, you've asked someone who you get the impression 'is not great with young children' to take on a role that is for those who are expected to... well guide young children, you've chosen someone who you don't expect to share your faith (even though faith is the only point of this ceremony), someone to be a 'decent role model' yet you cannot be bothered speaking to them in an actual conversation (sorry but 'it was a nice message' is a bad excuse - anything that you keep referring to as 'important' warrants at least a phonecall, if not face to face).

One more question. Are you serious??

Original poster

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:12

Mrsgentlybenevolent... I'm touched by your gentle and benevolent message, thank you xx

OP posts:

Senpai · 11/10/2015 23:12

It's been a few days have DP call him and have a chat. Clear the air, or make it known that you're finding someone else. He might feel bad about saying no, so is waiting for you to say no and take the pressure off so he doesn't have to feel bad. A phone call will help clear that if that's the case.

I do agree with texting initially, calling outright puts someone on the spot, and you end up getting a lot of impulsive yes's with no commitment from them past the Christening ceremony. But, I would have called after DP texted him, or had DP call him after he didn't get back the first time.

There's no point in hand wringing about it. He either wants to do it, or he doesn't. Call and find out. It's not that hard, is it?

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 11/10/2015 23:15

What?
I will assume that you are avoiding answering any of my post, because on some level, you know you've been somewhat unreasonable.

EmmaGellerGreen · 11/10/2015 23:15

OP -AIBU?
Everyone else -YABU
OP - no, I am not being unreasonable.
And repeat.

5Foot5 · 11/10/2015 23:16

I can sort of understand that your reason for doing this by text was that you didn't want to put him on the spot - and actually I am OK with that. I also note that you said that you made it clear that there was no pressure to say yes. However, I think it likely that he feels you would be offended if he declines and is procrastinating because he is trying to think of a way of saying no without being rude.

You mention in your OP that he has been a bit distant and you thought this might help to bring him closer. It is a nice thought but TBH many people are really not that interested in other people's babies, even ones they are related to. At least not until they have some of their own. Looking back to our younger days I realise that DH and I put on a polite front and tried to simulate interest when around his young DN, but really we sighed with relief when they had gone home. A few years later, by the time his other brother had DC, we had become parents ourselves and we found it much easier to have a relationship with his children and were much closer to them.

Epilepsyhelp · 11/10/2015 23:19

Not 'everyone else YABU' actually. I would be hugely touched to be asked to be a godparent, however the message was conveyed. This is the usual mumsnet bandwagon because something in the tone of the OP pisses off a couple of posters who decide to pick on some point of etiquette or etc.

The basic point is, OP reached out to her BIL and is disappointed and hurt by his lack of response, and his apparent lack of interest in DC. Whether or not he is disinterested or there is another reason (responsibility of the role, perceived lack of relationship with his brother) is not something any of us can know, but there is no reason at all for this over the top critique of OP.

Original poster

Ephelant · 11/10/2015 23:20

I think you're right, it would probably be a good idea to call and clear the air. He was never the right choice as his behaviour shows, but still DP's brother so I guess I'll just have to accept this is the way he is. I just thought some good might come from it, my impulse was to try to bring people together a bit more. I'm a little upset that despite my saying just do what you're comfortable with, it's no problem, he just ignores us for days. I'm actually quite sad that ds's close family are like this but you can't change people I guess.

OP posts:

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