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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel aggrieved about what this mum did?

112 replies

deliverdaniel · 06/10/2015 18:06

Genuinely not sure about this one, and can't work out whether I am just feeling sensitive/worried anyway in general about DS or whether this is U. I genuinely am rarely precious about this kind of thing, but may well have totally misjudged this.

DS is a new reception starter. He has had a real struggle with the transition. He still cries every day, on and off all day, had really struggled to make friend s and fit in. HIs teacher says that at playtime he sits on the bench and watches the other kids and cries, rather than joining in. At home he is becomign increasingly anxious and upset and his personality outside school has gone from happy and confident to withdrawn and anxious. I am very worried about him, and have had a meeting with the teacher etc etc and am trying to do all I can to help him adjust.

I had the idea to organise a weekend meet up for his class in the park (whoever wanted to come), with some fun outdoor toys, snacks etc which I think DS would love and would help him to make friends etc. I mentioned this to a friend who also has a boy in DS's class- her son is settling in very well and making friends easily. She is not a great friend, but definitely a good acquaintance- our kids were are preschool together, we have met up a few times for coffee without the kids etc etc. I told her that DS was having a really hard time, and how worried we are, and told her that I wanted to organise the meet up for the kids, saying that I would send out a class email to all the parents tomorrow (this was last night) She suggested a couple of dates she could do, and several that she couldn't do, all fine. I told her that we could do any date except for this Sunday, when we have an unmoveable arrangement and we left it that I would send out an email tomorrow and organise the whole thing and she would help.

Then when I wake up this morning, I realise she has sent out an email already to the whole class, introducing herself as their "room parent" (she isn't- not that this matters, but seems odd) telling them that she was organising this event and setting up a poll for when it should happen suggesting two dates, one being the only date that I said we couldn't do. I emailed her to ask say that I was organising this specifically because I was so worried about DS and wanted to make sure he could go, and she replied saying that she and the other two room parents (they are the actual ones, she is not) had talked about doing this separately before we talked about it (she hadn't mentioned this before) and that they had all decided togehter these were the best two dates. Now everyone has voted for the date DS can't do, and I am devastated that he can't go, that everyone will be even more bonded than they were before and he will be even more left out, etc etc.

AIBU to be upset about this? Was her behaviour U? Or am I being weird and precious?

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 07/10/2015 08:41

I wouldn't go to the whole class meetup. If he's already feeling sidelined at lunchtime, it will be even worse at this sort of event where the parents are all jostling to see who can be top dog and trying to encourage the friendships they think will benefit them in the long term. One on one playdates is the way to go at the moment.

Also, make sure you are talking to the teacher. I regularly get a child struggling with making friendships and a likely looking friend candidate to be a special helper at lunchtime. It could be just helping me set up the classroom for the afternoon, or some other task where they have to work together. It's often a great way to build a friendship away from the stress of the playground.

CocktailQueen · 07/10/2015 08:43

I'd be upset too., She sounds nasty. Could you speak to the real 'room parents' and explain about your ds and ask if they could email people suggesting dates you could do?

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 07/10/2015 08:45

This acquaintance sounds scary. I'd avoid her from here on out. You have seven years in front of, the other mums will soon suss her out.

Meanwhile, I like zzzzz's idea. I wouldn't normally condone it, but this feels like a special case....

MrsTedCrilly · 07/10/2015 08:48

What an awful person! So spiteful for no reason and it's a little boy who suffers for it. I agree with others that you should stick to smaller groups! and stay away from queen bitch, who needs enemies when you have friends like that?

millymae · 07/10/2015 08:52

I wouldn't change arrangements for the organised park thing ....I'm not sure how a group event like this will help your little boy at the minutue as in many ways it won't be any different to the school playground for him, apart from the fact that you'll be there (and probably on tenterhooks the whole time making sure that he's OK). Plus, what's the weather forecast like for Sunday ........................

Your friend is definitely one to watch - if something was already being organised when you mentioned that you were thinking of doing something to help your little one, then it's very odd that she didn't tell you that arrangements were already in hand, and the possible dates.

Your little boy will find his feet at playtime soon OP. It's a huge change for little ones, especially if they've only been used to half days at nursery and a playground with only nursery age children in.

SilverdaleGlen · 07/10/2015 09:05

I'd be hitting "Reply to all" in my most sweet mannered passive aggressive mode:

"Dear x, thank you for organising this, really quick response when I only suggested the idea yesterday, guess that's why you're room parent!

Just a quick one though, x is the only date I said wasn't possible, I assume it's a mistype and you meant Y as discussed?

Look forward to the update!

Oh just another thing, sorry to hear Mrs X or Y has stepped down as room parent, I missed the note from the teacher. Just to check which it is so I know who to go to, you guys are so good to give up your time for the kids like this. Xx"

Mark her fucking cards.

ISpidersmanYouMeanPirate · 07/10/2015 09:18

DS struggled at school at first and cried everyday in the playground. Teacher said it was very common and was set off by the change of setting.

I wouldn't do the park- it's possible he'll sit and watch the others playing and feel even more left out.

DS started individual play dates in the February and it totally changed his life. I Wish I'd done it earlier.

Margaritte · 07/10/2015 09:38

zzz What a good ideas Smile I will look into that for my own DS2 Smile minus the Key ring, although great idea for the OP's DS

Margaritte · 07/10/2015 09:39

I replied back when I read zzz's post, I'm still on the first page. Will catch up

LoveAnchor · 07/10/2015 09:40

If you want to help your DS settle then making one or two really good friends is way to go. Ask your DS who he likes in his class and invite them for playdates after school. Repeat. You may need to invite different kids for a while to see who he gets on with the best. That way he will find some good mates, will have a chance to bond them in a safe environment of his own home. Everything in school will look and feel different when he'll have a friend by his side.

The whole class meet-up is a good idea, because this would give you a chance to see who you can invite, and swap contact details, but actually for your DS it's another busy and noisy place to be, and he might not enjoy it all that much. If you can make it, just let it go. It's not a be all end all kinda thing.

The self-proclaimed room parent is a meanie. Avoid. Just leave her to it, and move on. She's not worth your time or energy. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

LoveAnchor · 07/10/2015 09:41

If you can make it, just let it go.
should have been
If you can't make it, just let it go.

G1veMeStrength · 07/10/2015 09:44

I would prob say that you are going to the class meet up as have managed to rearrange your plans.

Honestly if I was birthday boy mum and you dropped out I wouldn't mind at all, for this reason.

I also suspect that NotRoomMum will rearrange the date once you say you are coming, she sounds a bit odd Wink

madmotherof2 · 07/10/2015 09:48

Love what SilverdaleGlen said! Not that I'd have the confidence to do that myself!!!

I agree with others about arranging a smaller get together for halloween or just an after school play date. I think a small group would really benefit your little boy, some children find play grounds intimidating.

Hope you get it sorted

bialystockandbloom · 07/10/2015 09:58

I think I'd still take ds to the out-of-school birthday party, as pp said, it's still important to have friends outside school and a birthday party obv is a date which can't be moved. And agree again that missing out on the class park event really won't make a difference to your ds settling in or bonding.

Other mum really is a bitch. Normally I'd try and ignore too, but in this case I couldn't bite my tongue, would have to make sure she knew I knew exactly what was going on.

Love silverdales passive-aggressive email idea. I'd definitely reply-all with something like that. Though maybe leave out the bit about not hearing about the change of room-parent, that might look a bit too pointed - you want to be totally nice and innocent here Wink), would have to make sure she knew I knew exactly what was going on.

Margaritte · 07/10/2015 09:59

Caught up with thread. I agree with potoftea It would be nice for your DS to go the party and have a good time there with his friend.

Also think that the 1:1 idea is best for now. Has your DS told you what he finds hard at school? Does he know why he gets so upset?

bialystockandbloom · 07/10/2015 10:00

Sorry don't know what happened with that last bit of my post, ignore repeated last line!

Margaritte · 07/10/2015 10:01

And YY to SilverdaleGlen's email idea Grin

Aeroflotgirl · 07/10/2015 10:13

I agree with silverdaleGlen email, good idea, so that people are aware of how nasty she is.

ghostspirit · 07/10/2015 10:18

what a nasty woman... its not like shes taken over to just to take the credit... shes taken something that may have been good for a child thats finding things difficult thats discusting and she should be ashamed.

as others have said something smaller may be better for him anyway. and if its a smaller group may be able to get chatting to some other mums to.

Laura0806 · 07/10/2015 10:18

definitely arrange something yourself with a few children that your son feels most comfortbale with-ask his teacher who she would suggest aswell. I think this would be far more effective in helping him make friends than a whole class event where its harder for shyer chidlren to join in. Do not let this woman know she has upset you and don't conifde in her anymore. She sounds like one to avoid!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/10/2015 10:29

a what ZZZZ said

look she is highly insensitive and clearly desperate to make fiends

and to be honest I don't imagine an all class event will do much good anyway

definitely focus on smaller groups and its only term 1- this too shall pass

KitZacJak · 07/10/2015 10:35

What a strange woman she is. I would just invite people over on a one to one basis so your child can get to know them well and hopefully you will make friends with the parents. No one likes this kind of Queen Bee type. She is opening herself up for ridicule by appointing herself as Room Parent!!!! What do you think the appointed Room Parents think of that?

Halloween party sounds like a plan. Obviously, don't tell her before sending invites out otherwise she will arrange her own on the same day you can be sure!!!

TendonQueen · 07/10/2015 10:50

I said early on OP should email in the manner Silverdale suggested, and YY to 'mark her fucking cards'. I don't believe in saying nothing about this stuff anymore because then it happens to someone else, and they think 'it must be me, she's so nice to everyone else' because nothing has been said to make them think differently.

MerryMarigold · 07/10/2015 10:57

I think, whilst park idea is nice, it could be just a bit too much like playtime at school. Either your ds will play with toys on his own, or feel left out whilst you make frantic suggestions of who he could go and play with. I think it will be painful and best avoided so the mad woman has done you a favour. (As an aside, I wonder what the real room parents think of her self imposed title!! Not to mention all the other parents. Very weird).

I would definitely invite 1-3 kids over at a time. See what works best for your ds. Or arrange a small trip out for a few Mums/ kids. Does the teacher have suggestions for who your ds may get on with? She sees them all day and probably knows if there is another boy who is a bit quiet.

MerryMarigold · 07/10/2015 11:03

And no, don't miss the party as:
a) It is good continuity for him to be around old friend(s) and will be nice for him rather than stressful. He needs times like that right now.

b) It will give your the opportunity to observe him in a large group context, one that is safe and fun. Maybe he just struggles with large groups/ noise/ lots of different things happening, so keep your eyes open. If he is fine you can put your mind at rest (somewhat) and know he will settle down soon in school. If he is also struggling at the party, well you know to avoid large group situations and you can maybe start looking at some ways to overcome this and start to get SENCO involved...I'm sure he must find lunchtime etc. very stressful if he can't handle large groups. (Not to worry you, but it is worth looking into this).