to feel aggrieved about what this mum did?

[deliverdaniel]

Genuinely not sure about this one, and can't work out whether I am just feeling sensitive/worried anyway in general about DS or whether this is U. I genuinely am rarely precious about this kind of thing, but may well have totally misjudged this.

DS is a new reception starter. He has had a real struggle with the transition. He still cries every day, on and off all day, had really struggled to make friend s and fit in. HIs teacher says that at playtime he sits on the bench and watches the other kids and cries, rather than joining in. At home he is becomign increasingly anxious and upset and his personality outside school has gone from happy and confident to withdrawn and anxious. I am very worried about him, and have had a meeting with the teacher etc etc and am trying to do all I can to help him adjust.

I had the idea to organise a weekend meet up for his class in the park (whoever wanted to come), with some fun outdoor toys, snacks etc which I think DS would love and would help him to make friends etc. I mentioned this to a friend who also has a boy in DS's class- her son is settling in very well and making friends easily. She is not a great friend, but definitely a good acquaintance- our kids were are preschool together, we have met up a few times for coffee without the kids etc etc. I told her that DS was having a really hard time, and how worried we are, and told her that I wanted to organise the meet up for the kids, saying that I would send out a class email to all the parents tomorrow (this was last night) She suggested a couple of dates she could do, and several that she couldn't do, all fine. I told her that we could do any date except for this Sunday, when we have an unmoveable arrangement and we left it that I would send out an email tomorrow and organise the whole thing and she would help.

Then when I wake up this morning, I realise she has sent out an email already to the whole class, introducing herself as their "room parent" (she isn't- not that this matters, but seems odd) telling them that she was organising this event and setting up a poll for when it should happen suggesting two dates, one being the only date that I said we couldn't do. I emailed her to ask say that I was organising this specifically because I was so worried about DS and wanted to make sure he could go, and she replied saying that she and the other two room parents (they are the actual ones, she is not) had talked about doing this separately before we talked about it (she hadn't mentioned this before) and that they had all decided togehter these were the best two dates. Now everyone has voted for the date DS can't do, and I am devastated that he can't go, that everyone will be even more bonded than they were before and he will be even more left out, etc etc.

AIBU to be upset about this? Was her behaviour U? Or am I being weird and precious?

I think you are lucky to have seen her true colours early on and now know what she is like.
I would go for one to one situations- much better for getting to know people.

I have never heard anything as silly as 'room parent'.

She doesn't sound very nice at all. I don't have any time for people like this. Your poor DS. I think other people's suggestions about organising a small group meet up sound great. I hope he settles in soon.

There's no doubt she's bu. I think reception year can bring out the worst in some parents. It's weird but it's a stage where we just don't know where our dc will sit socially or academically.

I don't think you need bother highlighting how "confused" you are by it. Although a good response, everybody will know she's a bitch by year 2. I'd play the long game there.

I wouldn't cancel the party. The reason being, we went to a few of these whole class meet ups in the park and I don't think it helped integrate anybody really. People just sat with who they knew already and it was a bit too big to try and reconcile everybody.

A better strategy IMHO would be to ask class teacher who he might like to invite round to play or to go to the park 1:1 with. If you don't know them, just ask TA to leave a note in the dc's book bag. If it works out, repeat monthly. Then add others to the list. Build him up a few allies. Don't be put off if someone says no or doesn't reply. Just keep going with it. Generally people are delighted their dc has been invited somewhere. And keep in mind someone who's a bit bossy/boisterous at age 4/5 will probably be quite nice by age 8. Most of them are.

If they've had a nice game at your house or in the park 1:1, generally they'll want to carry it on at school.

I remember reading a book called the unwritten rules of friendship with dd when she was a bit older. But some of the concepts hadn 't occurred to me by the age of 40. One of the ones I most remember is that you never ask "can I play". Because people like to have the power to say no. You approach with another idea - wow that's really cool, you could do this. He's a bit young at this stage but a lot of it is about building his confidence and teaching him ways to join in without being asked. Football is a big ice breaker for boys if he likes it.

You're not u to be upset by this woman.

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate it. I think we will just have to miss the meet up, and do some more individual playdates etc as people have suggested. Thanks for all your ideas. I'm not used to this kind of weird bitchy behaviour so feel all wrong footed by it!

That is absolutely terrible behaviour, how thoughtless of her.

Do you know what....I think you should definately have the Halloween party as suggested, but invite her aswell, because then the kids can see what a REAL witch looks like. She won't even have to dress up .

Even if she had discussed it with others before why didn't she tell you that when you suggested it? YANBU she's being mean. She could have offered other dates if she spoke to the others about how left out your son is. If they really cared about unity they'd change the dates.

What a nasty individual, i think she dud that deliberately. I woukd organise one a bit later, keep it close to your chest.

Do individual play dates, were you invite a few round. Your ds might like that more.

I would actually talk directly to the proper room parents (and can people not bitch about this? Other countries do things differently) and see what they say. And agree to doing something for Halloween.

Go with your origionly non school commitment. Organise small play dates instead

Do some 1:1 play dates. I found this best for helping build up friendships at this stage. If you invite lots over the danger is your ds is on the edge of it all still.

By all means do a Halloween party but do 1:1s as well.

Yes, talking to the other room parents is a good plan. I would say something about 'I didn't really understand what X said about arrangements' and I would bet one or both of them rolls their eyes and says what a pain she is etc. It may, just may, be that one or other of them likes/tolerates her because she muscles in and does all the work for them - in which case you know where you are with them too from now on. But it's pretty likely they are irritated by her, so you can then get them on side.

I see what you're saying blobbity about not saying anything and playing the long game - however, I see it differently. After seeing this kind of behaviour in others' lives and once in my own, I now make a point of saying something about it (even if it's 'I'm confused by..' rather than 'what are you playing at, you bitch?') Because then someone's acknowledged it's happening and it puts down a marker. Otherwise you have the potential for everyone to think 'X seems like she switched everything round there and deliberately cut me out, but everyone else thinks she's so nice, no one else has had this happen, it must be me'. I no longer believe in karma always putting these people in their place. Sometimes you have to do something towards calling out the behaviour or at least signalling it to others.

I'm with zzz as well. Do something smaller, and more centred around your DS. And get the class teacher helping at school, she's the one with a genuine interest in your DS, not the weird, controlly women!

She really does sounds like a fucking nightmare with too much time on her hands. As PP have said, steer clear, I bet other Mums will drop away too over the school year.

And just heap your DS with lots of cuddles and kisses, his confidence will grow.

Let us know how he gets on. xx

I just wanted to say that my ds was exactly the same in reception. He'll be fine,he'll settle eventually. A big group might have been too much for him-definitely start with playmates 1 on 1. That woman's a cow bag.

Well she sounds like a nasty piece of work... And I don't think it looks too good that the other two 'elected' room parents are in cahoots with her. I'd look down on that if I were the class teacher.

Where are you in the US, OP? Mine goes to an international school here and the teachers have no time for this kind of thing. I'm fact, they go out of their way to be inclusive and there are lots of after school weekend and evening family events. There must be some kind of Fall Festival coming up. Can you get involved with that? Our school is always crying out for volunteers to lend a hand. You'd meet other parents that way too.

In the meantime, good luck with everything.

I simply do not believe it was a coincidence. I think you'll find this woman (she is NOT a friend) told them it was her idea and she is gunning to actually be a room parent. Taking your idea was probably her way "in".

I would speak to the actual room parents though to try and suss out whether this person is telling the truth about it being pre-planned. Something like "Great idea about the park!" and if they say that X planned it then you have your answer. You could always expand on it, depending on how you feel about how the conversation is going, "Oh really? She never mentioned it when I suggested it to her X weeks/days ago... well either way, unfortunately DS can't come. It was scheduled for the only day I told her he 100% couldn't come so maybe next time".

Agree that starting small is a good way to go. You'll find that these fast and quick friendships won't last, and the deeper bonds will form over time. He will be okay :)

Yep, she's a bitch. Obviously very unsure of herself and desperate to make her mark by excluding others. AVOID!!

In the meantime, focus on your DS. He probably would have been overwhelmed at the big event anyway so I agree with the suggestion to organize some small play dates soon for him and keep in touch with old friends like birthday kid too.

Don't forget too - the schools have only been back a few weeks. It's such a short time scale. There is plenty of time for him to settle in yet and you're being proactive for him so I'm sure he'll be fine!

Wow. I cannot believe she targeted a small child like that.

But, I do agree with others that small play dates would be best between children. If he's sitting on the bench crying during school, I'm not convinced he's going to be much better with the same number of kids in a different setting. If he's bonded to one or two then he might be brave enough to venture out and play with the other kids.

The teacher really should be doing something to get the children to play with him, such as organizing a class game (tag, red light green light, around the world, kickball) that they can all play. I recall my Kindergarten teacher taking crying kids to "random" groups and asking if they could play with them, of course kids said yes and everyone made friends. I did have a day I couldn't find a play group and the teacher put me in a random group and every had a good time. I'm not saying it's easy to get a kid to like socializing but at that young, a ball and a few prompts and kids are best friends for a bit.

As others have said, he's young. He has time to adjust, and at this age kids memories are so fleeting that each day is a new day for him to start over on a clean slate.

What an absolute bitch. Agree with the others, organise a halloween party x

Don't cut off nose to spite face. If the best thing for your DS right now is to go to the class event then do so (provided that it won't leave his other friend devastated, which will all depend on how many other children are going - at the age of 5, I don't think children would really notice whether one friend or another is there). As parents we're guilty of projecting (i.e. how we would feel if our best friend blew us out on our birthday) but kids aren't like that. Speak to the birthday boy's mum explaining what is going on and asking whether you taking the boys out for a treat would make up to him.

As for teaching your son that you do't agree to do something and then give it up for a better offer, you've got plenty of years ahead to hammer that home. Just tell your son that there's been a change of plan and instead of going to the party, you'll be taking them out for a treat as you felt it would be more fun for birthday boy, and that means he can attend the class meet up.

Don't cancel the birthday party that would be rude and would put more pressure on the 'big meet up' to be successful. I personally think that a big meet up wouldn't yield such such a positive return and that play dates would offer a more relaxed atmosphere. Talk to the teachers and the real room parents for advice.

Oh, love, I really feel for you and your son. What a witch she is. I've no suggestions just

Could you invite some of your favourite kiddies from his class for a sleepover?

WHAT A COW

I am staggered. So nasty.

I would speak to the room parents and say there must have been a misunderstanding because you and she had discussed etc (they will know what you are saying), and ask if another meet up can be arranged another time as ds is having a hard time etc. Meanwhile as everyone else says, organise lots of small group things.

She sounds like a bitch.
I'm sorry your son is struggling, we've had the same issues here, can the school link him up with a buddy in his class?
Hope it all gets better soon.