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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel aggrieved about what this mum did?

112 replies

deliverdaniel · 06/10/2015 18:06

Genuinely not sure about this one, and can't work out whether I am just feeling sensitive/worried anyway in general about DS or whether this is U. I genuinely am rarely precious about this kind of thing, but may well have totally misjudged this.

DS is a new reception starter. He has had a real struggle with the transition. He still cries every day, on and off all day, had really struggled to make friend s and fit in. HIs teacher says that at playtime he sits on the bench and watches the other kids and cries, rather than joining in. At home he is becomign increasingly anxious and upset and his personality outside school has gone from happy and confident to withdrawn and anxious. I am very worried about him, and have had a meeting with the teacher etc etc and am trying to do all I can to help him adjust.

I had the idea to organise a weekend meet up for his class in the park (whoever wanted to come), with some fun outdoor toys, snacks etc which I think DS would love and would help him to make friends etc. I mentioned this to a friend who also has a boy in DS's class- her son is settling in very well and making friends easily. She is not a great friend, but definitely a good acquaintance- our kids were are preschool together, we have met up a few times for coffee without the kids etc etc. I told her that DS was having a really hard time, and how worried we are, and told her that I wanted to organise the meet up for the kids, saying that I would send out a class email to all the parents tomorrow (this was last night) She suggested a couple of dates she could do, and several that she couldn't do, all fine. I told her that we could do any date except for this Sunday, when we have an unmoveable arrangement and we left it that I would send out an email tomorrow and organise the whole thing and she would help.

Then when I wake up this morning, I realise she has sent out an email already to the whole class, introducing herself as their "room parent" (she isn't- not that this matters, but seems odd) telling them that she was organising this event and setting up a poll for when it should happen suggesting two dates, one being the only date that I said we couldn't do. I emailed her to ask say that I was organising this specifically because I was so worried about DS and wanted to make sure he could go, and she replied saying that she and the other two room parents (they are the actual ones, she is not) had talked about doing this separately before we talked about it (she hadn't mentioned this before) and that they had all decided togehter these were the best two dates. Now everyone has voted for the date DS can't do, and I am devastated that he can't go, that everyone will be even more bonded than they were before and he will be even more left out, etc etc.

AIBU to be upset about this? Was her behaviour U? Or am I being weird and precious?

OP posts:
Narp · 06/10/2015 18:23

Yes, I agree that his difficulty at school may be precisely because he finds school a bit busy, noisy and overwhelming at the moment. And there's nothing at all wrong with that.

Jackie0 · 06/10/2015 18:23

She's toxic and what she did wasn't an accident .
Keep your distance from her, others will soon realise she's bad news.
Your little boy will be fine

deliverdaniel · 06/10/2015 18:25

HaloEveSteve I'm really tempted to skip the birthday party and go to this instead, but I know how upset DS would be if another kid missed his party so feel very torn.

WIll definitely do smaller meet ups/ play dates. Thanks so much everyone for lovely supportive words.

OP posts:
LavenderRain · 06/10/2015 18:25

I'm sure you will find that the other parents will soon suss out this weirdo queen B if she carries on like she is,
What on earth made her think she was 'room parent'?
If I were you I would ask the teacher to confirm who the room parents are, and make sure QB is in earshot Grin

NicoleWatterson · 06/10/2015 18:25

When one of mine was struggling he found a whole class party too much and just spent the whole time sobbing in a corner. So you might find he does better on smaller play dates.

That mum sounds very odd, I can imagine the minute you suggested it she went running to the official room parents and said it was her idea.

NKFell · 06/10/2015 18:27

YANBU! She's a dick.

ppandj · 06/10/2015 18:27

OP this might be pushing it- but is there any way you could attend both? Say the meet up is in the morning and party in the afternoon? Clutching at straws here!
Your poor DS, I would be v upset about this too. Grrr to the sneaky mum!

Narp · 06/10/2015 18:27

What fresh hell is this 'room parents' idea?

TendonQueen · 06/10/2015 18:27

That is bitchiness of the highest order. She musT be desperate to be the class organiser and really didn't want you to get in first. So now you know. She isn't a true friend, I'm afraid.

I would be open about this though take a 'confused' line. I would email back to the whole group and say something like 'I don't understand what's happened here - we had a conversation blah blah and I was really keen to get DS to this event but had told you I couldn't make that day. Could we reconsider as it will be a big disappointment and wasn't what was discussed'. See if anyone comes on side. If they don't, I would do a few things. First, approach people who can do the other day about meeting them then. Second, think About if there is anyway to make that date after all.

deliverdaniel · 06/10/2015 18:28

LavenderRain ha! good idea :-)

I think people are probably right about the small groups thing. Funnily enough he was never previously bothered by big groups,and has always been pretty sociable at preschool/ used to love parties etc so not quite sure why he's finding it so hard to settle at his new school.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/10/2015 18:32

If the bithday party person is a good friend, could you not explain to the parent how important this meet up is to help your ds integrate with his school peers? Offer to take birthday boy out with your ds for an extra treat to make up for missing his party? I would definitely be ok with this if it was one of my friends who had to drop out of my ds's birthday party.

deliverdaniel · 06/10/2015 18:39

Fairenuff thanks that makes me feel better. Maybe I"ll talk to the mum today (she is a good friend.) I do feel concerned that it would upset the other kid though and worry it's a bad message to send generally that it's ok to skip a good friend's party for a better offer... but maybe I'm being totally ridiculous. Maybe will just feel out what the other mum thinks... Thank you!

OP posts:
johnImonlydancing · 06/10/2015 18:45

She is totally U! Honestly. What is the matter with people. cross on your behalf. Can you explain matters to the other parents?

CoraPirbright · 06/10/2015 18:45

All great ideas here esp the smaller meet-ups (and the fantastic key-ring idea). Look on the bright side though, OP - at least you have discovered that this self-appointed room parent (I mean, really, who does that??) is a bitch-on-wheels and you now know to take evasive action!!

laffymeal · 06/10/2015 18:47

I wouldn't miss the birthday thing for this, it's rude and I think attending the class gathering could be counter productive. Your ds might just perceive it as an extension of playground hell and meanwhile you've let down his best friend. Sorry but that's just shabby imo.

Starkswillriseagain · 06/10/2015 18:48

What a bitch. Evidentially her needing to look good and be in focus is more important then her friendship with you, your idea and helping your DS. She wouldn't be a friend of mine after that!

deliverdaniel · 06/10/2015 18:49

laffymeal I agree with you about letting down the best friend. would only do it in the unlikely event that the mother thinks the best friend wouldn't care (which I accept is highly unlikely.) DS would love the park meet up. I mentioned it to him (stupidly) before this other mother got involved to check if it was something he would like before I organised it and he was so excited by the idea.

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 06/10/2015 18:52

Could you approach the actual room parents and talk to them about it? Might be a good idea to give them the heads up on what sort of classroom politics this 'mare is up to.

zzzzz · 06/10/2015 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ovenchips · 06/10/2015 19:00

Ouch, ouch, ouch. With friends or 'good acquaintances' like that who needs enemies etc.

Give queen bee a very wide berth from now on. Seriously. I'd never arrange anything or run things past her again. She's given you a beautifully clear window into her character. And I think ZZZZZ's idea is a good one.

Sorry your DS is having a bit of a rough time - it's such a worry when they aren't happy at school. I think it's early days though, and the odds are very much in favour of your lovely boy settling in and finding his way.

Aramynta · 06/10/2015 19:10

I have a feeling she is selling porkies about this. You need to ask the other two class parents if it was pre arranged and explain the situation to them.

Be brave OP Thanks

potoftea · 06/10/2015 19:14

I wouldn't miss the party as being with his friend and having fun with other kids might be good for your ds and his confidence.
I agree that smaller play dates might be best to foster friendships for now.
As regards the other mother...you're lucky you found out now what a bitch she is, rather than getting closer and being let down in time. You'll always remember this, and she's lost out on your friendship and any chance of you being there for her if needed.

Fairenuff · 06/10/2015 19:14

I also think she did it on purpose which is why it would be great to be able to call her bluff and say, 'Great news, ds can make it after all'.

If birthday boy would be disappointed I wouldn't duck out but I suspect that, at the discerning age of 5, the promise of a trip to the cinema or other treat will help him forget about it in two seconds flat and still enjoy his party.

Doublebubblebubble · 06/10/2015 19:15

Your poor ds. Yanbu at all. I would either speak to the real room parents (whatever they are) or i would organise something else as other posters have suggested. Have you made any "friends" in the playground yourself?? X

Verbena37 · 06/10/2015 19:18

What a total cow thing to do to you.
If I were you, I'd not be a good acquaintance with her anymore, organise your own smaller Halloween party tea at your house and don't invite her or other two room mums.