Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib mean?

86 replies

bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:16

My 22 year old daughter is back home for a few months before she completes her final year uni exams. She is tutoring in her spare time but has been getting up late and I'm scared that she's going to panic before the exams so want to be as supportive as possible.

Anyway she has uni friends up and down the country who she tries to visit relatively often. A lot of people where we live have moved away so she doesn't have her old home friendship group here now. She went to see a few of them a couple of weeks ago and is spending Halloween weekend with them at one of their houses.

She invited a couple of them to come here in a couple of weeks time but I've no as I think she needs to knuckle down and stop socialising so much. She is a bit upset with me as she was really looking forward to it and they are a nice easy group. I just don't want to play host though! My house my rules etc etc. Aibu?

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 05/10/2015 22:17

Yes. You're not playing host, your daughter is and it's her house too.

SalemSaberhagen · 05/10/2015 22:19

Reverse?

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:19

Ok pottering but it's my house and I feel I should get final say. She doesn't pay rent (which is fine as she's saving) and she should have checked with me first I feel before inviting these girls...

OP posts:
Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:19

No not a reverse!

OP posts:
Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:20

Although dd asked me to check on here as she felt I was being u Blush

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/10/2015 22:20

She's 22 and you think you can make decisions about her study schedule?

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2015 22:20

Why would you need to play host?

Of course I understand how you might get involved a little bit, but surely that's only if you wanted to?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/10/2015 22:21

Yabu.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2015 22:21

She should have asked before inviting them

Other than that, I don't think she's BU at all.

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:21

Ilove - she leaves things until the last minute constantly and almost dropped out of her degree. She's bright and capable and I don't want her to repeat mistakes I've made.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/10/2015 22:23

She's an adult, not a teenager.

ilovesooty · 05/10/2015 22:23

But those were your mistakes. At her age she has to plan her own study.

BackforGood · 05/10/2015 22:23

I'd like to hope any of my dc could invite any of their friends to stay in our home, just as I can.
Not sure why you think you'd need to 'host'.

The studying is separate, but, from what you post, I don't see that anything would prevent her from studying.

Waltermittythesequel · 05/10/2015 22:23

I'm surprised people think YABU.

I don't think it was reasonable of her to just invite people to stay in your house!

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:29

Thanks waltermitty, I know I probably sound ott but she has taken some time out of uni due to stress and this is her time to make things better. I just want the best for her. Just think socialising every weekend/inviting people down isn't necessarily the best thing right now when she's seeing them regularly and has plans to see them elsewhere.

She's now moodily talking of them getting a hostel room in our city Blush

OP posts:
Mmmmcake123 · 05/10/2015 22:30

Are the friends going to be staying in your home? If so I definitely don't think yabu.
I think you are just looking out for her in terms of worrying about how much studying she can fit in. Sometimes people of all ages need reminding that you can't do everything, however they don't realise this and don't want to hear it; she is an adult. If she chooses not to factor in the right amount of study then it will be her own making when she gets a grade lower than she is capable of.

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:30

The whole group I mean, her included, not just forcing the guests to stay! I feel bad but I'm not doing it out of spite, I just don't want to encourage her in pissing the year away

OP posts:
Thelushinthepub · 05/10/2015 22:31

She's 22! It's up to her whether age studies and how much, hard as it must be to see her slack

mumeeee · 05/10/2015 22:32

I think she should have checked with you before inviting her friends. However I think you should let her get on with her own study plan and not insist she knuckles down. Why is she at home studying.hasn't she still got lectures at uni?

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:32

Mmmmmcake yes we have a small house in a city nearby that we're putting up for sale soon (complicated, used to belong to dh's relative) where she was going to stay with them. So in theory she wouldn't be putting us out.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 05/10/2015 22:33

She's got a few months until the exams? I'd cut her some slack.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2015 22:33

Could you talk to her again and compromise?

Instead of laying down the law, speak to her about your concerns and tell her you'll reconsider if you can see evidence of her knuckling down during the week?

There's nothing wrong with socialising every weekend, as long as you're working during the week.

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:34

Mumeee no she completed her uni year but (long story) is returning for exams. So I really want her to focus. She has a job offer after this that she will be very upset if she doesn't get (conditional on uni grades)

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 05/10/2015 22:34

So she wasn't going to stay in your house anyway?! Hmm

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2015 22:34

Ok now I'm confused at how you would be 'hosting' if you won't be in the same house?