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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib mean?

86 replies

bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:16

My 22 year old daughter is back home for a few months before she completes her final year uni exams. She is tutoring in her spare time but has been getting up late and I'm scared that she's going to panic before the exams so want to be as supportive as possible.

Anyway she has uni friends up and down the country who she tries to visit relatively often. A lot of people where we live have moved away so she doesn't have her old home friendship group here now. She went to see a few of them a couple of weeks ago and is spending Halloween weekend with them at one of their houses.

She invited a couple of them to come here in a couple of weeks time but I've no as I think she needs to knuckle down and stop socialising so much. She is a bit upset with me as she was really looking forward to it and they are a nice easy group. I just don't want to play host though! My house my rules etc etc. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:35

Haha bastard are you my dd?! Grin well it's still a house I/dh own so more or less!!

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Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:36

We'll have to clean it up, get it ready for guests etc. it's nearby but we'll have to be there that weekend

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BastardGoDarkly · 05/10/2015 22:36

Yes, but you were worried about hosting?

ripeningapples · 05/10/2015 22:37

Mine aren't dissimilar ages. I think they would get stressed if I tried to control their social lives. Providing she's,working reasonably I think going out is normal for teenagers. I quite like seeing their friends. Have been known not to dish up or give over key to garage for access to beer fridge until four lads have done twenty minutes hoovering, mopping, sweeping etc.

Secondtimeround75 · 05/10/2015 22:38

Yabu

I think you need to let her get on with her life & choices.

TeamBacon · 05/10/2015 22:40

She can clear up, get things ready etc.

I think you're being really really unreasonable and mean. I've been in this situation and friends were all over the country. Let her have her friends visit fgs

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:40

I just feel like she should abide by my "rules" when she's still under my roof... I mean this kindly but she'll be able to exactly as she wants when she moves into a place of her own. She's putting extra work and pressure on me and dh when we could/want to be relaxing

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Mmmmcake123 · 05/10/2015 22:40

That's a shame about considering a hostel room (possibly in order to guilt trip). Would she understand if explained that two or more adults living in the same house would not invite guests without checking first. It's just being polite.

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:41

Teambacon can I ask why? Not being sarky, just think it's fair enough that I have final say over who comes when?

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BackforGood · 05/10/2015 22:42

eh?

Now you are saying they won't even be staying in your home ??

Of course YABU.
Why would you have to be there ? Confused
She's 22! You say her friends are students. I'm pretty sure they will be able to cope with carting their sleeping bags to an empty house without you!

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:43

She's also upset because our other dd has a big group of friends over every year for her birthday. Her (uni) friends haven't been to the house yet. I think she sees it as double standards but it's really not meant that way

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Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:44

Backfor yes thanks but I want to tidy the house etc beforehand. So the work will fall to me in getting it ready. Time I don't really have

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WorraLiberty · 05/10/2015 22:44

I think you're putting the extra work onto yourself to be fair.

There's no reason at all why your DD and her friends (all adults) can't clean up after themselves.

Infact it's what I would expect.

BastardGoDarkly · 05/10/2015 22:45

I see her point I'm afraid.

IguanaTail · 05/10/2015 22:46

You sound really controlling and annoying. It's one night, she's 22. You asked are you being mean and I say yes.

But you seem quite smug about it.

TeamBacon · 05/10/2015 22:47

Obviously you have the final say, it's your house after all.

I just think that it's a relatively small inconvenience for you, but obviously important to your daughter. I may be projecting slightly here, but at that age all my friends were all over the country, I was at a local uni so living at home. I used to go visit them all the time and it was great. It's a stressful time, and being able to do this sort of thing at the weekend makes a huge difference.

It's not up to you to police her social life, and it doesn't sound like she has people over often. I'd let her do it, as long as she does the clean up/prep

SniffsandSneezes · 05/10/2015 22:48

Are you going to stop her watching TV until she's done her homework too?!

mumeeee · 05/10/2015 22:49

If it is a house that you are not living in.Then I would let her and her friends stay there. She can tidy it up and get it ready for guests herself. Also why would you need to be there? Did she live with you while she was at uni. I would give her a break and let her have this weekend with her friends

Mmmmcake123 · 05/10/2015 22:50

When I was a similar age I paid a small amount of rent (then borrowed it back again). My mum used to see that I wasn't socialising which she felt was what you should do at that age and never wanted the money back. However she wasn't bothered about study and I ended up studying again as a mature student. Getting the best grades you can at an early age just makes the rest of life that little bit easier.
BTW I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting anyone without checking first. Don't want to be mean but I think she is being a little bit 'precious'. Sorry, obviously I don't know you're lovely dd

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:50

No sniffs Grin

Ok I take your point everyone

I think I'm just worried for her because all of her friends have finished uni and are "free" but she's got these huge exams hanging around her neck and yet she's making big holiday plans/weekend socialising and I can just see it all ending in tears! I'm ibviousky being a bit unfair thiygh

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TeamBacon · 05/10/2015 22:51

It's her home at the moment, isn't it. I'm guessing you're not asking for rent because you're supporting her through uni.

I just think it would be nice if you let her do it. And trust her to deal with her workload when the time comes

TeamBacon · 05/10/2015 22:52

When are her exams?

Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:53

Mumeee no she's lived away from home in a huge city for four years pretty much full-time and worked. So I think this feels like a step back for her. All I want is for her to pass these bloody exams, get her freedom and achieve her dreams! I have a sneaking suspicion that's what she wants too Grin

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Original poster
bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:53

Teambacon they're in June. Thanks for your advice, I do see your point!

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SniffsandSneezes · 05/10/2015 22:54

I get that you want her to buckle down and concentrate but she needs to be able to let her hair down and relax too...