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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib mean?

86 replies

bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:16

My 22 year old daughter is back home for a few months before she completes her final year uni exams. She is tutoring in her spare time but has been getting up late and I'm scared that she's going to panic before the exams so want to be as supportive as possible.

Anyway she has uni friends up and down the country who she tries to visit relatively often. A lot of people where we live have moved away so she doesn't have her old home friendship group here now. She went to see a few of them a couple of weeks ago and is spending Halloween weekend with them at one of their houses.

She invited a couple of them to come here in a couple of weeks time but I've no as I think she needs to knuckle down and stop socialising so much. She is a bit upset with me as she was really looking forward to it and they are a nice easy group. I just don't want to play host though! My house my rules etc etc. Aibu?

OP posts:
AnotherCider · 06/10/2015 12:37

Good heavens, Op. The time to of 'doing your best for her' was when she was growing up, not now!!!

She is now all grown up, back away, and let her get on with it. Stop trying to control her.

Unless you want to push her so far away that you barely ever see her?

chocolatemademefat · 06/10/2015 13:03

As a child I was never allowed to invite people to the house because my mother was so houseproud. Now that I have 2 sons of my own I encourage them to have friends home.

when ds1 was at uni he often had people here and I enjoyed it too. One day she'll move out permanently and you'll have the house to yourself and perhaps wish it was a bit busier.

If she's accepting other people's hospitality it would be nice for her to feel free to return the favour. And students study at strange times so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

Gottagetmoving · 06/10/2015 13:14

YABU if the reason you are not letting her friends stay is because she should be studying - that is her choice and look out.

YANBU if you don't want her friends staying at your house because it is an inconvenience to you or you just don't want people staying.
Of course your DD should ask you first before inviting people!

GoblinLittleOwl · 06/10/2015 13:18

It is your house, as in you pay the bills; inviting a group of friends will increase these somewhat and she apparently makes no contribution.

Of course you are right to object.

As to her studying, that is up to her to organise, but you certainly have a right to voice your opinion. She sounds rather immature; most parents don't see their children's behaviour at University, but the group imperative generally sweeps them along towards revision when they are all together. On her own she doesn't seem to be bothering.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 06/10/2015 13:24

Okay, she should have asked, but even if she had, would you really have said yes? It doesn't sound like you agree with the idea in general, tbh.

I do think you're being very unreasonable. She's 22 years old and her exams aren't until JUNE. Are you planning on keeping her home every weekend until then? What's wrong with her going to see her friends and spending some time relaxing for a weekend? I understand it's your house, but you won't even BE there. If she managed to live alone for four years, why can't she have her friends to stay for a weekend?

Stormtreader · 06/10/2015 13:25

If the exams are in June then they're not hanging around her neck yet, they're barely resting against one foot. Its not as if she can work super hard now and take the exams early.

I can see her point about double standards if her sister has had multiple birthday parties in your second house and she isnt even allowed to have her uni friends see it!

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 06/10/2015 14:48

She should have asked as they're sraying in your mutual home, but you shouldn't say no and try to control her studying. She's an adult.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 06/10/2015 15:01

She's 22. The exams are 8 months away. Do you think one weekend of fun 8 months before her exams is going to make a difference to the outcome?
You are helicopter parenting. My parents had no idea how much/little I studied for my final year exams as essentially it was my business, not theirs.

Gottagetmoving · 06/10/2015 15:21

I can see her point about double standards if her sister has had multiple birthday parties in your second house and she isnt even allowed to have her uni friends see it

She is 22, not 12. She isn't 'entitled' to have any parties or people staying.

Spartans · 06/10/2015 15:25

It's not a mutual home. Its a separate house that Op owns.

whois · 06/10/2015 15:43

The exams are in June? And you think she should be studying every weekend now? In October?

Ha ha PMSL here OP!

Backtrack, say of course they are welcome be you hair wish she had asked you first and not surprised it on you. Then say you hope they have fun.

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