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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aib mean?

86 replies

bananaspanana · 05/10/2015 22:16

My 22 year old daughter is back home for a few months before she completes her final year uni exams. She is tutoring in her spare time but has been getting up late and I'm scared that she's going to panic before the exams so want to be as supportive as possible.

Anyway she has uni friends up and down the country who she tries to visit relatively often. A lot of people where we live have moved away so she doesn't have her old home friendship group here now. She went to see a few of them a couple of weeks ago and is spending Halloween weekend with them at one of their houses.

She invited a couple of them to come here in a couple of weeks time but I've no as I think she needs to knuckle down and stop socialising so much. She is a bit upset with me as she was really looking forward to it and they are a nice easy group. I just don't want to play host though! My house my rules etc etc. Aibu?

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/10/2015 22:54

Wow, your update reinforces that yabu. Cut her some slack and treat her like the adult she is.

TeamBacon · 05/10/2015 23:44

Np. 22yo me is feeling very strongly that this is unfairunfair. I get it though, I really do.

One thing... If you don't let her, she'll remember it forever. This last year with friends is weird. It's the last time in their lives they'll be able to do this kind of thing

JawannaDrink · 05/10/2015 23:47

Yes. You're not playing host, your daughter is and it's her house too

Bollocks it is. Is she paying the mortgage or rent? I doubt it. Or anything at all? It might be her home (at times) but it isn't her house. IT's OP's house, and she can decide whether she has people to stay in it or not.

TheRattleBag · 06/10/2015 00:21

It seems a tad unreasonable to be panicking so much about one weekend in October/November when the exams aren't until June. She can't be expected to work absolutely all hours until then!

DoJo · 06/10/2015 00:48

She's bright and capable and I don't want her to repeat mistakes I've made.

Do you think your approach would have worked on you at her age?

anklebitersmum · 06/10/2015 01:29

Should she have asked first? Yes, absolutely. It is not her house to be inviting people to, regardless of age. No rent, no say Wink

Should you be dictating to her as regards her social life? No.

She's not entitled to dictate who's welcome in your house and you're not entitled to dictate where she goes and when.

Conversation and compromise required before it's a bigger issue.

corlette · 06/10/2015 02:17

As TheRattleBag says, it's unreasonable to be thinking one weekend at the end of October will affect her exams in June. It's 8 months away! She can fit an awful lot of study into that 8 months. She'll be a wreck if it's all work and no fun until then.
As for the house, well, that's a decision for you and DH to make but the 41yo-wanting-to-be-22-again in me says "ah, go on, it's one weekend". She can help in the preparing of the house and tidying up after.

Go easy on the study pressure though. The last thing she needs is to be burnt out before she's even started her career.

spanisharmada · 06/10/2015 02:27

There are 7 days in a week, so even socializing every weekend still leaves 5 days for studying.... For exams in June?
Have I missed something?

Senpai · 06/10/2015 03:01

Well, you don't have to. You don't have to have a good relationship with your daughter either.

Controlling your adult child is not going to endear you to her. You are no longer in the role of "parent" anymore, once she became a legal adult that ended. You are now in the role of "mentor", and it's your job to help guide her, but ultimately she's the adult who needs to make her own decisions in life.

It's your house, and you don't have to let people over. But you're only hurting yourself by pushing DD away. You made mistakes you don't want DD to repeat. But you're still here aren't you? You survived your youth, and so too shall she.

Iflyaway · 06/10/2015 03:07

As a single mum....

My house, my rules.

Kids are so insensitive these days - all me me me. So self entitled....

When they pay the rent (uni fees), shopping and clean the house - HA!- do laundry etc. Yep. Too bad, so sad.....

mathanxiety · 06/10/2015 03:40

YABM and VU.

I posted on your other thread. I am tempted to ask what sort of a pole you have up your arse after seeing this one but will refrain.
You seem to have a tendency to not see the wood for the trees. Or the trees for the wood, whatever way that one goes.
I am also tempted to ask what you have against socialising..

You are letting anxiety run away with you and you are attempting to run your DD's life to a degree that is not healthy and will lead to something that is not quite depression, but definitely 'doldrums' or lack of personal motivation and initiative on her part. You need to let her do her own scheduling, set her own priorities, and be a grown up. She is 22. You need to respect that. Step back. She is not your project.

She can get out of bed every day for a week and tidy the house herself. Let her at it. Tell her you are confident she will do a great job and do not hover or criticise or redo whatever she does. Her friends can clean up the party house after themselves too. (Put away your own precious stuff at home first.)

I don't think you need to be present in the city at the same time she and her friends are having their party. Go off with your DH and do whatever you want to that weekend.

Put away your own precious stuff yourself first.

If you think she is experiencing a crisis of some sort -- mh/emotional, please do not try to cure it by nagging about getting up and studying. Encourage her to consult a doctor or counsellor instead. She might benefit by having more in her schedule than just the tutoring job. Busy people tend to make more time for important things, whereas people with long empty days can sometimes drift along and put things off.

No matter what, having some fun with friends to look forward to is a huge positive and it is a sign of generally being ok that she is keen on keeping up her social life. Don't try to kill that or you may be inviting very serious problems.

mathanxiety · 06/10/2015 03:46

WHOOPS! Other thread is a poster with a very similar username, not you -- APOLOGIES!!!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/10/2015 03:50

One of the reasons children actually adult in this case have issues with studying, working hard and goals is because of over-invested, helicopter parents. If she doesn't knuckle down and study off her own bat, she doesn't deserve the job. If at 22 she can't prioritise and work hard, she needs to learn the hard way. You can talk to her and tell her your concerns, but involving yourself to this degree in her social life is not helpful.

It seems to span her whole life as well. Can't she prep the place? Can't she plan for her guests? And, if not, why not? Possibly because you always take over and do it.

Bumshkawahwah · 06/10/2015 03:54

She should have checked with you...but other than that YABU. She's 22 and as long as she's studying during the week, well, going out at the weekend is what 22-year olds do. It's probably good for her to be keeping up with friends, rather than feeling isolated at home all the time .

I'd be making it VERY clear that I expect the house to be cleaned and tidied extremely well both before Nd after.

Original poster
bananaspanana · 06/10/2015 04:02

Thanks everyone.

In all fairness she is pretty switched on in other ways. She had spent the past four years in London living independently and paying her own bills/rent as well as working part-time in term-time and full-time in a "grown-up" office job type affair. So it's not like she isn't used to grafting.

I think I'm just concerned because I'm worried what will happen if I just let her "get on with it". I know she finds it very frustrating when I helicopter parent (I don't like to think of it in this way! Blush) but I just see it as doing my best for her...

OP posts:
sonjadog · 06/10/2015 05:05

The exams aren't until June??? I assumed they were the week after her friends were due to come down. You are being extremely unreasonable. She is allowed to have some fun between now and June!

I suggest you let her get on with it. And yes, it might mean she doesn't do well in her exams. She's an adult. Her choice not to study gives her consequences that she has to deal with. Let your daughter grow up and run her own life.

NerrSnerr · 06/10/2015 05:27

Her exams are not until June. Let her have her fun. I don't understand why you'd tidy the house first? Let her do it to whatever standard she wants to. You sound really controlling if I'm honest.

NotMeUsNotIWe · 06/10/2015 06:56

Of course it would have been polite to ask as it's your house but given its empty and available I imagine she didn't expect it to be an issue.

Sorry Op but you are being mean and you're over involved in her life to the point of being controlling. Doesn't matter how well meant it is, believe me this causes resentment (my father was another who knew best for his adult children). The exams are in June! She has lots of time to study and it's ridiculous to ban her from having friends to visit and imagine that instead she'll put in hours studying that weekend instead.

You seem completely focused on her exams but surely you realise that it's important for her emotional well being to be able to keep in touch with friends, shake off the cobwebs by having a night out/weekend away. At this age her support group is her friends, they are the people who are going through or have recently gone through the stage she is at. You need to take a step back and respect the fact that she is an adult not a stroppy 14 year old.

Spartans · 06/10/2015 07:06

Op you do realise how you treat her now, may have an impact on your relationship for the rest of your life. You are treating her like a child and it will cause her to back away from you.

She is an adult. You need to let her be an adult. Personally, since she is working, I would ask for a small amount of rent, but that's not what you asked. If she fucks up, she fucks up. She isn't a child anymore and has to make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences.

Although it doesn't sound like she is likely to mess up.

Yab mean. You know you are and controlling. You have an empty house, she could borrow it. It's not a huge impact on you.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 06/10/2015 07:14

The exams are not until June. What is wrong with you.

Marilynsbigsister · 06/10/2015 07:19

Honestly OP, park your helicopter up, step out and find something else to focus your time and energy on and leave this ADULT to conduct her life as she sees fit. Anyone who can live/work/budget/pay rent and bills in London from the age of 18 is not in need of their life being micromanaged by an overbearing parent. Neither do you 'need' to be in the same town when her friends come to visit. Neither do you 'need' to 'host' her friends or clean the house she wants to use. This post tells MUCH more about you than her, you need to back off and stop paying lip service to the belief that she is an adult and start treating her like one too. If you don't, I promise you will drive her away. I was in the EXACT same situation as your Dd 30 yrs ago. I had 6 months to go but chucked it in to escape overbearing mother, ended up in series of much lower paid employment to that which I was studying for. Went back to uni 6 yrs later under my own terms. My relationship with my mother is 'ok' but has never recovered. - she is a very bright woman who would of loved to go to university but did not have the opportunity and tried to live vicariously through me..sound familiar OP ?

Pandaremote · 06/10/2015 10:08

Staying in touch with her Uni friends is just as important as studying for her exams so let them stay so she can concentrate on her studies before and after.

You are the one stressing her out in this way which could in turn affect her exam results.

lornathewizzard · 06/10/2015 10:12

I can see why she's pissed off, especially as the exams are so far away. She needs a study / life balance just like people need a work / life balance. If she focuses too much on studying she'll burn herself out and resent it.
I'm not saying she doesn't need to put the effort in, but she also needs a break.
Also, please let her sort the house herself. She sounds more than capable.

Fratelli · 06/10/2015 12:10

Yabu, she's an adult. How would you have felt at 22? Cut her some slack.

JawannaDrink · 06/10/2015 12:16

I really don't understand the "she's an adult, treat her like one" type of posts. Adults don't invite people to stay in other people's houses. Adults don't back to home to mammy when it suits and expect to be able to do anything they like in mammys house without even asking!

In fact all the posters saying you're being mean, you're U, let her have her fun are doing the very opposite of treating her like an adult, instead advocating indulging her like a child. She isn't a young teen wanting an end of term sleepover, she;s a 22 year old who has been living independently for several years.

OP needs to back right off about the studying thing, yes, but the DD might want to try some basic adult manners and ask her mother before she invites multiple guests to stay. Respect works both ways, she can't expect it from her mother when she isn't giving any.