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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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129 replies

3littlerabbits · 03/10/2015 18:48

Probably am unreasonable but basically we have a group of friends, children all at school together, playdates and all the rest. Found out the rest of the are having a party tomorrow evening at one families house with all the children. No invite for us. Feeling quite rubbish about this. Got a real heart sinking feeling about this now. Tell me to get a grip?

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 04/10/2015 10:25

Of course it hurts, its horrible feeling left out of anything! Personally I would ask whats going on, I much rather would hear the truth than brood on possible reasons.

BodieBroadus · 04/10/2015 10:30

Sorry to hear this OP, it is very hurtful being left out, I have experienced it too with a group of mums at school - my DS's best friends' mums. They have left us out of several meet ups and weekend activities despite us all starting out as friends who knew each other. I have no idea why.

All I can say is, as others have said, do something nice without them - you will be way more bothered about this than your DC. Mine just shrugs it off, while I fume!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 11:07

I would op, I would text host mum, and say that you know that they are having a BBQ, and the others are there, what time should you come. Their answer will tell you everything, if you lower your expectations of them, then you will not be embarassed. I have done this, and the mum in question looked very sheepish, when my ds was not invited to her ds party, despite going to ds party a week earlier, and boasting at ds party, that her ds was going to have a big party next week.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/10/2015 11:26

I definitely would not send a text angling for an invite! Completely understand how you must feel, but at the same time if they're generally nice and you have a good relationship, then I would try not to worry about it. The hosts may feel that they have friendships with you as an individual couple, rather than feeling that all the couples have to be seen together as part of a group. Everyone has friends that they know from the same place, but they don't necessarily feel they want to see all the friends at the same time, and there's nothing wrong with that. Social qs in the NYT actually treated a question on a similar topic last week - I think the advice there is quite good: nytimes.com/2015/09/27/fashion/social-qs-sharing-with-thy-restaurant-neighbor.html?ref=topics&_r=0

Bingolala · 04/10/2015 11:39

Its too late now but the perfect response was to text yest saying we're Off to the zoo- who fancies it and gauging the answers.

Laura0806 · 04/10/2015 11:44

I agree with Bingolala. I would have probably texted to say we're off to the zoo, anyone fancy it....that way you'd find out if it was a genuine mistake or not. Think of it this way , if it was a deliberate exclusion, you now know not to waste your precious time on these people. Spend it with people more deserving of your friendship.

IguanaTail · 04/10/2015 11:45

That is indeed the perfect text.

IguanaTail · 04/10/2015 11:46

Actually I would create a group whatsapp to say what a great time you all had and to then say to them all about the zoo thing. Watch them all squirm.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/10/2015 11:49

I really disagree that the zoo text is a good idea. I don't think that if your friends do something without you it means they're not really your friends! No one can be invited to everything.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2015 11:52

But to leave one out of a group of friends who usually socialise together, is awful Theycall, op has the right to feel hurt, reevalute things. I would text, that way you will know either way, what have you got to loose.

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 12:03

I do feel for you OP.

Can I just ask what all the baby and stork pictures are forConfused

The list down there says it for "sad"Confused

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/10/2015 12:04

Hm, but is it always that simple... There are four couples who are all friends and see each other fairly often. But presumably some of the individuals within the group get along with other individuals more than others and might see those individuals more than others. Presumably some of the couples have other friends through the same school, so they might also sometimes see some of the 'group' couples alongside other parents. I guess what I'm saying, is that what seems to the OP like a fixed group of 4 couples might seem to other members of the group like just some of the people that they're friends with. Not everyone compartmentalises their friendships so sharply. The OP doesn't know that it's ONLY these other couples who are invited to the party - they might have just decided to give a party where they invited friends from different parts of their lives but wanted to keep numbers down. If you look at it like that, it's not a snub.

Bakeoffcake · 04/10/2015 12:04
Sad

Testing and sorry for the derail OP.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 12:07

OMG I can't believe the amount of people advising the OP to text the woman Shock

Definitely text party host, what time we coming tomorrow?

phone the host up, and ask directly 'am i invited to the BBQ tomorrow?'

And other similar posts?!

OP, it's absolutely shit and I don't blame you for feeling gutted about it, but keep your dignity (and manners!) and just have a great day with your kids and DH Thanks

Mintyy · 04/10/2015 12:12

Oh I sympathise op. I thought something similar had happened to me once and I was awake all night feeling upset about it.

diddl · 04/10/2015 12:15

"The OP doesn't know that it's ONLY these other couples who are invited to the party - they might have just decided to give a party where they invited friends from different parts of their lives but wanted to keep numbers down. If you look at it like that, it's not a snub."

I agree with that.

I do find it hard to think that these 4 couples always do stuff together & this is the first time that something has happened that OP isn't invited to.

Fairenuff · 04/10/2015 12:17

I'm a little bit confused OP because you say you were all friends but you can't pick up the phone and ring her? Why don't people talk to each other any more.

I would ring and ask why she didn't include me in the event and if she didn't have a good reason I wouldn't call her a friend. It's not about loss of dignity, it's about speaking out when someone treats you badly and not letting them get away with it.

Liomsa · 04/10/2015 12:28

In the nicest possible way, get a grip, OP. And there is a huge amount of projecting, catastrophising and mind reading going on on this thread! Some friends are having some mutual friends over, and you're overreacting madly to your perception that you're 'excluded' for some reason. There's no history of bad feeling, exclusion, or misunderstanding, and you yourself had the children of only one set of mutual friends over yesterday, for a perfectly ordinary reason. Why wouldn't you not be invited as a one off for an equally ordinary reason?

It all sounds a bit incestuous. I would be horrified to feel I was in a friendship group where I had to extend every invitation to every member, or risk this kind of brooding and hurt. Don't you ever just want to see some people and not others, or think you would like fewer people in your house at one go, or think you've seen X a lot lately, so I'll ask Y and Z to come over? I can't imagine a situation where I would feel entitled to be invited to everything involving other friends.

ihateminecraft · 04/10/2015 12:32

Wonder if any of them will be dumb enough to put the event on Facebook?! I know someone who puts everything on fb, and she's been known to exclude people and they've found out that way. Bizarre!

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2015 12:33

I would ring and ask why she didn't include me in the event and if she didn't have a good reason I wouldn't call her a friend. It's not about loss of dignity, it's about speaking out when someone treats you badly and not letting them get away with it.

But no-one should feel obligated to invite someone for fear of losing their friendship.

This whole thread has quite a 'school yard' feel to it.

As some PPs have pointed out, the OP herself didn't invite all the kids to her house yesterday for an entirely normal reason.

Liomsa · 04/10/2015 12:41

Ihate, but why wouldn't they post it on FB, any more than the OP would have been expected to hide the perfectly normal play date with one set of children yesterday???

NotMeUsNotIWe · 04/10/2015 12:47

Yes based on the info Op has provided I'd agree with Liomsa. The dad mentioned the names of some children his DC would see tomorrow as he was hustling them out the door but you can't necessarily conclude these (and their parents) are the only people invited.

Is it possible there is a gathering of family and some friends? Eg I might invite some friends to a family party but not others, the ones invited would likely be friends who have also met say my dsis or SIL just because I can't invite everyone and it's easier to invite people who will already know some of the others. If that makes sense!

I just don't think you have enough information Op to conclude that you and yours are being excluded but sorry you're feeling hurt about it and hope it's all cleared up.

Fairenuff · 04/10/2015 12:56

But no-one should feel obligated to invite someone for fear of losing their friendship.

I totally agree Worra which is why I think they should talk. There will be some perfectly rational reason which will put OP at ease.

If there isn't though, and they just didn't want her there, then these people are not her friends and there is no 'friendship' to lose, they will just be acquaintances that are fun to spend time with sometimes.

theycallmemellojello · 04/10/2015 13:57

Fairenuff - but the explanation is just that the OP wasn't invited this time! What else is there to say? Who seriously demands an explanation anytime mutual friends meet up without you? One couple just decided to invite two couples they know round for a meal - it's not a big deal and the fact that they didn't also invite OP does not mean that "these people are not her friends"! I completely agree with Liomsa here - it's perfectly fine and normal to not want to see all your friends at the same time, every time. Honestly, OP, unless you think that there has been some issue causing a falling out, I'd just continue with the friendship as normal. I doubt they thought of it any differently than you did inviting just one of the couple's kids over for a playdate.

PavlovtheCat · 04/10/2015 18:14

The reason why I said phone and ask directly, is because if one of my good friends arranged a party that u feel under usual circumstances I would be invited to but didn't invite me, I would want to know why. But that's because a party for my group of friends would include everyone in the social circle. Not like a dinner party which is more intimate so I would not necessarily presume I would be invited to. If it left me feeling upset, it means I feel something is wrong and ignoring that just causes resentments.